Most of us fight against a relationship with God, as he fights to get closer to us. Most of us including myself, let fear get in the way of LOVE, what He ultimately stands for. What are we afraid of? Who are we afraid of? Why do we fight?
God is around us at every moment; awake or asleep, walking or sitting, thinking or speaking. Some of us will never understand that because were too busy trying to “figure” it all out, trying to fight for success, love and happiness when at the end of the day all we need to fight is for the love of God, and with that we achieve all our desires.
I haven’t always been close to Him. I’ve fought Him, I’ve ran from Him, and I’ve believed I was in the right more than Him. I’ve denied Him at times, especially when my heart has been beaten and then have looked for Him and His guidance only to my convenience. I have been wrong. We all do it you know? We all want questions to be answered, and things to be granted. But asking God once a week, and for some once a month or once a year isn’t the way he works. He wants us to communicate with Him with our hearts, and he doesn’t want a one night “visit,” God wants us to make him our HOME. What is home to us? Home to me, is a place where I know I can be myself, where I am not pretending, where I am not trying to please anyone but myself, where I can turn my worries in and set them free, where I can let my fears and insecurities out, and most importantly where I can LOVE and be LOVED trusting that someone although may not physically be there, is listening and watching over me, knowing that in that moment my eyes may be closed but my heart is fully open.
Faith since I have been here has increased tremendously in my heart. Faith to me was interpreted as hope, and now it’s a lifestyle. I breathe it, and I try to live by it from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. I have still plenty I know I must learn, plenty I know I must suffer, and plenty I know I must let go of. Nevertheless, I see myself now compared to what I was just a year ago and I am a complete different person. I am whole. My year ago self wouldn’t be so passionate, which says a lot because I have always written with passion. My year ago self would not admit that I have much to learn, I have much to live, and I have much to suffer so that I can be whom God wants me to be. There were plenty of times where I questioned if being here, in Arizona was the right thing for me, there has been various times that my heart yells to me to pack up and go back home, where comfort and familiarity wait for me with open arms, but I have found that as time has progressed, I see that the friends he has placed in my life are more than blessings, because each and every one of them have already made an impact in my life. As I hope to have made differences in theirs.
Before I came to Arizona and left my family I had them taking up the space where my faith was meant to be. Although it may sound harsh, I feel that God’s purpose of bringing me here was to divide my relationship I had with my family so that He could grow within me. He accomplished it. It is because I do not have the ones I love physically walking beside me that I have come to love and rely on this being that too many is just a conspiracy, but to me has become my All, my God. I have found myself, the real me, and I have found that even I do not know who the real me is. it does not scare me, because deep down I am aware that I am growing, I am being molded, and I have complete faith that I am becoming what one day will make a change in this life. Having expectations, ambition, desires, goals, and dreams is not bad, it is me, and I’ve learned to embrace it.
I was afraid at first, afraid because I thought letting him in, would push the ones I’ve loved for so long away. But I was wrong; in the contrary I love more now than what I have loved in all my life. I love those who love me, and I love those who have hurt me, I even love those who I don’t know and don’t know me. I love life with all its flaws and virtues. Although I love the way he wants me to, I know I have plenty more tribulations that I must come across before I find what I desire the most. I have always been the type to question everything, and now as I am, I question nothing that is followed by His name. I’m ready, more ready than I have ever been, and because I’m human, I know I will be afraid at times, I know worries will overwhelm me at times, and I know insecurities will attack me at my weakest moments, but as God once said, “when the world is falling apart, BE STILL and I will protect you.” I know in my heart, I will be just fine, and in His name, I will forever more say, “Amen.”