I'm stuck. I'm stuck in between this world and the next. I can't erase my past, I can't plan my future. I'm looking over each day, wondering where the flaws all came from. I'm poring over all these insignificant facts and opions about everything. I'm sitting here driving myself mad in search of just a fragment of meaning. Will I find it? No. Will I stop searching for it? No.

Sometimes I wonder if people can actually see me. I mean I have conversations with them, I ask them questions, I listen to their banter but do they actually recognize that I'm breathing? Do they actually see that , yes I'm present and here. I don't think so anymore. I'll sit at a lunch table with people who, during normal circumstances, I wouldn't really hang around with. I listen to them talk about their memories, what happened over the summer, how school was, things like that. They laugh over inside jokes, they have nicknames for boys they like. I don't join in on these conversations. Something won't let me. I mean I want to, I want to understand, I want to laugh even if I find something funny for a different reason, but I can't. I just sit there and observe them and wait for the bell to ring so I can go to Science and try not to fall asleep. No one takes notice of the silence that seems to hang around me. Part of me is greatful for it because that way they don't ask questions. But another part of me longs for some sense of acknowledgment, for somone to just realize that the silence is there. But nobody ever does and I'm not sure if I like that or not.

I go through the motions day after day but they tire me out. I feel so insignificant, so lost in this huge crowd of people that I'm losing the energy to continue pretending. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. I do what I'm supposed to do, always. I follow orders like an obdient dog. I sit there and do whatever they tell me to do. Wake up. Get on the bus. Get good grades. Don't do drugs. Don't give attitude. Get this done by tomorrow. I do them all. I didn't used to though and I miss it. I miss having a life that I actually lived. I used to form opinions, I would get a bad grade sometimes, I would say what I felt like, even if it hurt. I would never back down from anything, I felt like a person then. Now it seems that I merely resemble a person, I'm not actually one at all.

I'm empty. My emotions don't feel real. I can laugh and laugh and laugh but it comes out sounding fake every time. The tears don't come, I just feel a sort of lingering feeling that almost feels like sadness but isn't. My anger doesn't seem to exist. I can be mad, but it dies down fast and I'm left with nothing. My head just swims and swims with all these emotions it should be feeling but isn't. I don't understand what's happened. I used to be like spitting fire angry at whatever got me fired up. I would cry if something hurt. I would actually smile and feel like I was on top of the world. Now there's just nothing but that lingering. I can't sift through my emotions, I can't make sense of the mess of them that's tangled in the back of my head. Like I said I'm stuck. Just stuck. Stuck between wondering if I'm alive or wondering if I'm dead. My back is against the wall. I'm going to go out into the world every day and no matter what I'll always be stuck. Cornered like a rat and I don't know if I will ever be free.