“When you bottle it all up, eventually it all just spills out.”
Disappointment is a fourteen letter word that is almost certainly synonymous with my name. I’m just going to call myself Negative Nelly for now. Lots of people call me that already, anyways. I’m a person that sees the glass half empty, sure. In spite of how everything seems sometimes, the way I act isn’t my fault. Blame can fall on somebody else’s head, not mine.

Being left, deserted, by the one person that was the World to me definitely had an impact. I didn’t have any friends. I don’t know if I have that many now, actually. That’s alright, I’m not bad company for myself to keep.

The memories of a lonely blacktop assault my mind occasionally. That’s where I spent the duration of Intermediate School. With a pink coat buttoned up to my chin and a hat jammed over my ears, I’d wander the area, alone. During winter, I’d kick little chunks of snow around for fun. Harmless hunks of that snow turned into shards of ice that pierced my heart every time she walked by.

My World.

World was the essence of perfection in my eyes; she just was. Back then there wasn’t a moment where I didn’t imagine us together for the rest of our lifetime. So naïve, so blind. I’m stupid, same as I was then.

Once the new girl rolled in, I was discarded like yesterday’s news. This girl, the one that took World away from me, was Snake. In appearances, perhaps beautiful. But inside she was dirty, vile, the greatest of all evils. Seeing World and Snake together made tears prick at the corner of my eyes and my head ache.

Snake had stolen the World, like the story in the bible. The sly Snake tricked Eve, and Eve let the World fall in to a more sinister pattern. I was furious, disheartened, and confused all at the same time. That’s the moment I became Negative Nelly; when the World slipped between my fingers and fell into the open jaws of the waiting Snake.
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Feeling lonely is basically felling empty. Like a donation jar no one’s bothered to fill. Maybe that jar felt so empty that it wanted to fall, from high someplace, and shatter into a billion tiny fragments. I wonder if anyone would ever try to glue the pieces back together.

When a lonely feeling creeps up on you, the logical thing to do is find company to banish the alone vibe. Instead, I delved into a hidden land of fantasy and excitement; books. In a bound object, pages white and words bold, there was almost always a happy ending. Conflicts were resolved and every story left me feeling lighter and more … normal.

It soon turned into an obsession and I read whatever I could get my hands on. I grew more and more isolated. I cared less and less. Pages of loved books I’d read were stained with salty tears and corners of pages were dog-eared with love.

World faded. Snake went away.

It was me, me and my books. Oh, so ever alone. I’d read until the sun set, and then I’d read until the sun rose. I didn’t care about anything anymore. Not my family, not my classmates – and certainly not myself.

The world faded to black and white, and I simply allowed myself to blend in. I’d lie in my bed at night, stare up at the ceiling, and I’d sigh. Patterns like this: the slow, depressive ones, were so hard to break out of. I grew to hate living, which really sucked.

Think about it – as a breathing human, I am supposed to live. Suddenly, the only thing I wanted to do was die. That’s an incredibly messed up concept. In time, more and more things started to choke me, whether it be pressure to do well in any number of things, or just a bad mistake or event. I drowned in my own fear and an indescribable feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.

But there was one thing I’d never seen coming, something bright, strong, and beautiful beyond all comparison. She pulled my head above the oppressive waters of doubt I’d been drowning in, dried my tears, and held me close. I recall marveling at this wondrous girl, my eyes wide and jaw unhinged.

She was so amazing, to welcome me as a part of her life with open arms. I never believed she was real, at first. Foolishly, I’d stumble, and she’d immediately pick me up and dust me off. She broke the stupid, protective barrier I’d erected around myself and reminded me each day that I mattered to her.

She, my Sun, became my salvation. Sun plowed down every obstruction and cradled me every time I cried. This perfect, loving Sun of mine spread her rays and warmed the heart that had once been pierced with shards of desolate ice.

My Sun, my all, my reason to live – She became Sun, and I Star. Both of us relating, free, and gleaming. Both of us so alike, trusting, and anew. We became two souls that knew everything about one another, that would protect and cherish each other always. Two burning globes of fire united to become one, and outshone the entire universe with the power of their complete, resilient friendship.