Depression is a mental illness that I have no control over. It’s a proven fact that depression can take over your life, and change the happy cheerful person you used to be.

Last November I was diagnosed with stage 7 of MDD. (Major Depression Disorder.) Everyday since then, I’ve had suicidal thoughts. Every couple months I’ll try and attempt it, but it always fails. I’m on anti-depressant medicine called Zoloft (Erowid Setraline) that helps me get through the day, but those thoughts always seem to creep up inside me. Depression has took over my life. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. Physically- I’m lazy. I sleep all the time, I rarely get out of my room, and I gave up on staying in shape. Emotionally- Somedays I’ll just break down and cry because of how much I hate my life and how much I wanna die. Mentally- Depression ruined my self esteem and my self confidence. I’m just like any other girl out there in the world, thinking I’m not beautiful or pretty, etc. But it’s different. I don’t think my appearance is ugly, I think I’m ugly, from the inside out. And I can’t help but think I’ll never be good enough for anyone.

Loneliness is a totally different story. Though depression and loneliness are a lot alike, they’re different in so many ways. From my own experience, loneliness has been eating my insides. I’m like the seventh wheel. There’s three couples, and then there’s me, the loner. And I live my life saying it doesn’t matter and I’m used to it, because I am. I’ve been hurt so many times in my life that I can say I’m used to it. And it hurts me deep inside knowing that I can say I’m used to it. I have learnt to stand up for myself more often, but the fact that I get treated like a rock stuck in the mud? That hurts me. That hurts every part of me. And I can’t seem to do anything about it because I’ve let it happen for so long that it’ll just keep happening. Loneliness used to be my life. I used to stay inside my room all day, listen to depressing and suicidal music, and self harm. And I’m not that person anymore, but it’s starting to get that way again. Even though I’ve been almost 3 months clean from self harming, I always feel the urge to relapse. You know that voice in the back of your head that tells you to do things you don’t want to do? Imagine that voice speaking to you everyday, constantly nagging at you and telling you to do things you don’t want to. For a minute, imagine that voice as if it was always there, everywhere in your head, telling you you’re not good enough and you never will be, saying hateful things that makes you want to end it all, saying things you want to hear but you’re to afraid to listen. Now imagine hearing that voice as if it was your own. Sounds easy, right? Wrong. When you get to the point in life where you want to end everything, that’s when you know, you’re screwed up in the head. You’ll never get better unless you want to get better. And some days, I’m glad I don’t want to get better. You know how people say they’re afraid of the dark, or heights, or the monster under their bed? They’re actually not afraid of any of those things. People aren’t afraid of the dark, they’re afraid of what’s in it. And people aren’t afraid of heights, they’re afraid of falling. People aren’t afraid of the monsters under their bed, they’re afraid there’s actually something under there that can take over their life. But if you think about, the monster’s already got you. You’re the monster, and it’s hard to admit to yourself that you are, because you don’t want to face the fact that you’re ruining your own life. Day by day, night by night. I have to live my whole life knowing that I’m the monster, and I haunt myself like it’s for a living.

Loneliness is something I dread every minute that I’m alive. No one ever wants to be alone, but no one ever wants to get hurt. You know the saying ‘If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, then it’s meant to be.’? Coming from a person who’s always been alone, that saying means nothing to me. Anytime I loved someone or something, they let me go, or they left without notice. They threw me away like a crumpled piece of paper. It’s a cycle. I find someone, I love them, they crumple me up like a piece of paper, they throw me away. I’m recycled. It happens over and over again. Being alone for such a long time leads to your point of view changing. No matter what it is or who it is, your opinion will change. You’ll find people you think are your best friends, but then they’ll drop you as soon as they’re in a relationship. Your opinion before they dropped you? They’re great people, and you appreciate them to no extent. Your opinion after they dropped you? You don’t need them. They’re not worth your time. No one will ever be worth your time. Everyone is just going to use you, and that’ll get you no where in life. Find real friends, if there’s any out there in the world. Here’s the upside to depression and loneliness- You don’t have to put up with people’s complaints and lies and mistakes, because you’re alone and depressed and so you have no friends. The downside to depression and loneliness? You don’t have those people who bicker at you and complain to you about their problems. And as much as you hate people complaining about their relationship problems, or making up lies just so they don’t have to hangout with you, part of you wishes you had those people around. That’s what being lonely is all about. You have anxiety so you don’t communicate with the outside world, but deep down inside, you’re an out-going person with a shining personality. The more you worry about your life, the more depressed and lonely you get. If you want to be happy, then be happy. Be anything you want to be, as long as it’s not depressed or lonely. Show people that you’re not afraid of life. If you show people that you’re afraid of life, then that’s the easiest way to get shot down and trampled on.

In conclusion, depression and loneliness has affected me in many ways. Depression has took over my life, loneliness has lowered my self esteem and confidence, depression pushed me so far to the edge I tried attempting suicide twice and I self harmed, depression makes you feel alone, and loneliness can cause your point of view on someone or something to change in a matter of seconds. But don’t let that change who YOU are. Like Dr. Suess’ little rhyme/poem, ‘Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.’