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Blissfully Unaware MAG
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. The freshly fallen snow gave way under my feet. My new, bright red boots tackled the snow almost as effectively as a plow. The only sounds were the monotone of my steps and my breathing. The winter air was crisp and there was ice along the roads.
Crunch.
Oh, great. Now my sweater was starting to move around. Off came the book bag. Off came the jacket, scarf, and third layer. Amidst the random pieces of clothing on the ground, I tried to adjust my too-large sweater, which had twisted so that the front was in the back and the back was making its way to the front. I finally got everything back on the right way and hoped to regain the warmth lost in the process.
Realizing I was only halfway home, I took out my trusty MP3 player to listen to my temporary friends: Blue October, Coldplay, and Maroon 5. When I looked up again I spotted a group of kids staring at a boy who was lying on his back on the sidewalk.
Oh, geez, I have to pass these people. I bet they pushed that kid down. If I walk fast enough, maybe they won’t bother me, I thought.
As I got closer, the group laughed as the boy picked himself up, and they ran across the street. The kid turned back to me and shouted, “Oh! Be careful there – it’s ice!”
In the short time it took me to hear and process what he had said, I had already trekked past the point of doom. I had stepped down onto what could have been an ice rink.
I stumbled idiotically for my balance, clinging to nearby bushes. But despite my desperate attempt to stay upright, I began falling. At first it was only a lean backward, but the weight of my book bag assured my lack of recovery.
I looked left and right to see if anyone was around. I knew how funny I looked and I could even picture the weird face I had made as I hit. I would have laughed at myself if it hadn’t hurt so much. So I picked myself up, re-adjusted things, and tried to hide the pain in my butt as I walked on.
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This article has 14 comments.
Pretty good, but I have a few suggestions.
First, NEVER start a story with onomonopeias (words that describe sound, if you didn't know. Such as 'zap' or 'crunch'. It's isn't the best way to start a story.
Second, there wasn't much of a climax. You built up a good rising action, and your readers expected a really good dramatic climax. Instead, all we got was a short summary of you falling. I think you should have made your climax a little more climatic.
I do like the ending however. In this story, you were trying to get up and go away discreetly, and that's how you ended; discreetly. In writing, your attitude should affect your writing style, which you did perfectly in the end.
Lastly, I LOVE Coldplay (notice my avatar is the Viva la Vida cover and screename is WhiteShadows...:)) so I love your MP3 player playlist!!
Overall, your story was really good but needs to be tweaked.
I really liked it. Good job!
Hey, please check out my story, Love or Drama (It's called Love or Romance but its supposed to be called Love or Drama), also the chapter where Brittney arrives in seattle and meets nikki, matt and kim is chapter 2. The chapter where they all talk about stephanie is chapter 3. TeenInk.com/fiction/romance/article/228711/Love-or-Drama-Chapter-2/.
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