I measure my year in debate tournaments and production weeks and Wednesdays, but not exactly, I don’t actually measure anything, and there is a very passive note to the filling of my notebooks because it seems as though it simply goes from empty to completely scribble-scrabbled on, all these days in the middle nonexistent in my memory—is life like a very long debate round? Refutations forgotten, only constructives and rebuttals left standing in the mind of the audience—

—but aren’t refutations the most exciting part? How could I forget the best parts, how could I only care for lazy Wednesday mornings to sleep into? And why am I an audience to my own life, not the lead actor?

I am disappointed in myself.