Sitting in my English class, completely zoning out, I couldn’t stop thinking about what might be happening. The conversation to the left of me snapped me back to reality. “Yeah, I’ve never lost anybody close to me.” “Me neither.” “Knock on wood! Knock on wood.” After hearing that, I sent my mom a text. “How are things going?” Her exact response escapes me now, but it was something like, “Good. Text you when she’s out.”
The rest of that school day is a blur. I do remember a friend asking me to go to her volleyball game and I told her, “My grandma is having surgery so it depends on how it goes.” The surgery was risky, so much that my aunt flew in from Seattle and my dad came home from work in Bakersfield. Although it was so risky, we never actually expected to lose her.

Not remembering how I got there in the slightest bit, I was home. I don’t remember actually how long after walking in the door that I got the phone call. My mom had called and told me the news. I’m not sure why but once I heard the words come out of her mouth I couldn’t help but feel like it was a joke. I had to ask her “are you serious?” several times. I just could not grasp the reality of my grandmother being dead. My mom had called my brothers right before calling me but for some reason I didn’t go see my brother, Brian, alone in his room. I’m not even sure what he was doing. Instead, I went and sat in the living room alone, tears streaming down my face. When my other brother, Dennis, got home, I ran to him, hugged him, and sobbed on his shoulder. After a minute or so, Brian walked out and we all hugged each other, crying and feeling foolish for it.

We decided to go to my Grandma’s house where everyone else in the family was or was going to be. We walked in on a couple cousins, one of their boyfriends, and an aunt. Everyone in shock, a couple stories were told, the good times were laughed at, and everyone cried their eyes out. I got a phone call from a friend who had seen a tweet and once again, broke down crying. I stepped outside to talk to her and I knew all she wanted to do was be there for me.

Loss is a weird thing. You never actually think about what it could do to a person until it happens to you. I could never imagine what losing my Grandma would be like until it actually happened. No one can ever really help with the pain either. Yeah, they can have a shoulder for you to cry on but no matter what, the pain doesn’t ever really go away. Almost one year and seven months later and it still hurts to think about. It still hurts when I think about going to her house to pay her a visit and I realize I can’t.

A couple of days after my Grandma’s passing, I had to take the pre SAT test. I stayed home from school that day and only went to the test. When my friends saw me, they hugged and hugged me. And off to the test I was. I ended up passing it but I definitely wanted to do better. I was in such a haze. I couldn’t stop thinking and I wanted to do the whole time was go home and cry. That week was the hardest week of my life. I don’t remember what I did, who I saw, or the places I went. All I remember is the pain.