I know I have two parents but why do I only see one ? talk to one everyday? Spend holidays & birthdays with one?

I didn't ask to be here. I didn’t ask to be here.

I tell myself everyday “I'm good with just my mom, ” but there I go lying again! Why doesn't he want to talk to me?
I didn’t ask to be here. I didn’t ask to be created.

Why do I have to teach myself how to be a man? Why did my big brother have to step in to teach me how to ride a bike ? I wore velcro shoes until 2nd grade because i didn't know how to tie my shoes, where was my dad? why wasn’t he there to pick up the pieces and help me?

I didn't ask to be here. I didn’t ask to be created.

I just don’t get it, you would dip in and out my life whenever you please. Make promises that you never fulfilled, are you happy with yourself? You have ONE child who’s lost in a world, on his own searching for love from you! Searching for not a “male figure “ or a “father figure” but his FATHER, his birth father.

In 5th grade my classmates always talked about how they want to be like their fathers when they get older, the Jamaican kid in my class had his dad come for career day, he was a fire fighter. My teacher asked me, “What does your dad do?” Ha! my dad’s a f***ing failure, he has a part time job breaking promises. Man I blame you for all the hell I put my mom through because I was searching for answers that I couldn’t find. Why create me if you wasn’t going to take care of me?

I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be created.

Every child needs both of their parents, I needed you... matter of fact I still need you. I love my mom to death but a women can't teach a boy how to be a man. I had to go to my mom when I hit puberty, when I wanted to have sex, when I started to come into myself. I would go to my friends houses and they would ask, "Mom can I get chips?" The mom would say no and they'd go ask their father's the dad would sneak him chips. Where were you to sneak me chips? Sneak me ... anything. I walk around with an empty hole in my heart needed to be filled. I always wanted you to come to recitals, come to my parent teacher conferences, I just want you to care. My mom breaking down when things got stressful with her raising a bad ass child on her own, she shouldn't have to be doing that. What are you so busy with? Why can't you come take the burden off her shoulders?

Man why didnt you just leave my mother alone ? you could have left her living on Sutter Avenue in Far Rockaway , relaxed in her one bedroom apartment living life as she pleased. Now because of you she has a son whose reckless, destroys everything he comes in contact with and her biggest disappointment. Lets also add she goes through this alone. I swear when it comes to you I have 1,000,000 questions to ask, but you're never around to answer them. Why create me? You didnt really want me. You didnt really want a son. I didn't ask to be here, I didn't have to be here. thats probably how you want it anyways. It probably already seems like I don't exist to you.

These feelings in me seem to never go away. I will always cringe at seeing my mom break her back to bring me lunch to school because I left mine home , you could have brung it. I will always cringe at the fact that I know my mom felt guilty for having a baby and marrying such a failure that even though I get in so much trouble she know’s you won't provide so she still continues to hold it down.

I have so much hate for you, yet a soft spot for you. I often catch myself about to go and find a way to contact you because I just want to have lunch with you. Then again why can't you try to find me ?! Like it’s not that hard to get in contact with me, you just don't care. Why though? I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be created.

I catch myself in a daze thinking one day you’ll come around, one day you’ll be the father I always wanted, the one who comes to recitals, the one who attends PTA meetings. One day ill have someone else to come to my rescue and give me all I need instead of my mom. One day you’ll chose me. One day im going to come home from school and you’ll be there just like I last saw you. Darksin, tall, clear skin, with that gap between your teeth on the top row. Most likely with your favorite black leather jacket on and you’ll say “come on pop, lets go to Grandmommy’s house.” We’ll hop on the E train, get off at Jamaica Avenue and we’ll walk from the Ave to the Van Wyck because you hate the Q9. Ha! thats just a daydream, I'm still a fatherless child only left depending on Super Mom to come and save the day. Why? im not sure … I'll never be sure but one thing I am sure of is I didn't ask to be here. I didn't ask to be created.