I’ve always wondered why I am the way I am. Why I walk this way, why my voice isn’t as deep as other boys', why I enjoyed shopping instead of playing basketball. People always used the word "gay" to describe me. It would piss me off but WHY? hmmm. The ones who liked me would say “he isn’t gay, he’s just feminine.” But am I gay? What even is gay ? I spent my whole middle school life trying to figure out what gay is. It’s just when a person likes someone of the same sex as them but in today’s world, wearing pink can classify someone as gay, getting a tattoo on a certain area on your body can be classified as gay. It may lead someone like me confused about the person they REALLY are and begins a game of hide & seek.

I spent a chunk of my life fighting who I am with fear of being accepted by my family, my peers, the community …. even myself.

Ever played hide & seek? One person is it and has to count to ten and find everyone. That's the game I'm playing with myself. It seems as if acceptance is the one who’s “it”. Acceptance is in charge of counting to ten then looking for me. Right now I'm in the closet, waiting for a way out.

I started this journey to accept myself in 8th grade. Accepting myself took so much time, it took a long time to get comfortable in my skin and not worry about what anyone had to say, I always told myself that “I didn’t care about what anyone thought” but i obviously did because I didn’t want to face people with MY truth. Coming out to my mom was something very important to me and I felt in order for me to fully begin to accept myself my mom needed to know. My mom was my everything, me and my mom have always had a really close relationship. She raised me and my brother by herself and have always made a way out of no way for me. I’ve been a "Mama's boy” (meaning depending on her for everything) for as long as I can remember, she honestly means the world to me and I always wanted us to have that bond where honesty is an open policy, however I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me or I didn’t want her to hate me or reject me. In the gay community you hear a lot about people’s parents not being so receptive to them coming out, and I couldn’t live with my mother hating me . However, I knew I couldn’t live without her knowing. I remember when i told her I wanted to date guys, I was too afraid to tell her face to face so i sent it in a text message. When I got home she simply said to me, “It’s a phase you're too young to know what you want.” I was shocked at that reaction, but i honestly didn't know what to expect, I was young … it was 8th grade … I still didn't feel completely right. I thought to myself “Am I really going through a phase?”. Once I entered high school I quickly learned that this was no phase and a REAL feeling. I entered high school a little boy who wasn’t trying to find his place in the world but trying to figure a way for others to accept him, the way i acted was always the same I just had a lot of emotions on the inside. By 9th grade I’ve already accepted myself and just knew that this was who I was, but it was still some question in my heart on why i am this way.

I just wanted answers on why it had to be me and couldn’t be someone else. So once again i went to my mom and told her that i’m gay, this conversation was way much different than the one we had in 8th grade. I was in 10th grade by this time and when I sat with her to have this heart to heart I had so much emotion in my heart. I sat her down to discuss how I was truly feeling. It was midday on a weekend , she questioned why I have been “acting out” , why have i been just on a reckless run with life and before I can utter a response I just busted out crying , and at that moment my mom , with her coco brown skin like a model for the vaseline company said something to me that I thought I’d never hear her say . She said to me "You're my son nothing or no one can ever change that , I love you no matter what way you decide to live your life as long as you're safe and happy.” it shocked me because it seems as if she knew what I was thinking before i even said it to her. I looked her in her eyes and all the guilt I felt , all the arguments we had because I felt she didn’t understand me , all the sneaking out , all the lies I told about my whereabouts just vanished. I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

No one knows how stressful it can be to be a gay guy. Being a gay guy is just so hard to me, we get treated as if we are our own species. The everyday life of a gay male (especially a young black male) is just rough. For example, one time I was going to a new school for the first time. When I entered, I got instant stares and whispers. People said, “he’s gay” or “listen to how he talks.” But when the other new kid came, everyone was super receptive to him. I felt like I was alone in a place where I should be safe, a ”community.” That's why being a gay guys is mega rough, let alone a gay guy with no support.

So my mom saying that sentence to me not only made me feel better but it made our relationship better. It opened up honesty between us and made it way better for us to have communication with no secrets , now I have no problem introducing her to my boyfriends or bringing my gay friends around for family functions. Now that i’ve come out to my mom and got the support from her that I needed coming out to other family members was no big deal to me. My mom told me “its non of their business , they don't put food in your mouth or clothes on your back so their opinions don’t matter”. I agreed 100% with that statement but I still felt that they should know , so I told my family just out of no where. We were having a family gathering and its sort of like they already knew because no one was really shocked by the announcement which made it hella easy on my end.

So now my whole family knew. Next, I had to deal with society and how I'd like to communicate my sexuality in school and with friends. In school and public, I always get asked “are you gay?” or always get referred to as the “gay guy.” I would always just deny and deny being gay. The more comfortable I got with myself, it became harder and harder for me to hide it. I couldn’t help the way I walked. I couldn’t help the sweet sounds of my voice. I couldn’t help that I would rather shop until my legs fall off than play Call of Duty.

Once, I got asked the question, “Was it easy coming out the closet? , Coming out to your peers?” I giggled and said I never really came out to society. Once you're comfortable in your skin the opinion of others don’t matter. So now when I get asked “are you gay?” I no longer freeze and say “no.” I respond proudly and say “Yes im gay ! And if you don't like it thats fine because i'm still my mothers child and nothing or no one can change that. she loves me no matter what way i decide to live my life as long as im happy and safe’’. Acceptance finally found me, in the form of a person who in my eyes was the most important person to me…. The game of hide & seek ends.