I have always thought that ideas like ‘fate’, and ‘everything happens for a reason’ were flawed attempts at organizing chaos. Now I know that sometimes life builds, every experience adding something you didn’t have before. There are things that happen in each persons life that change them, make them into an evolved version of themselves. For some those are small moments spread throughout life; like finding love, and losing love. But for others it is a singular experience. For me it was the latter, I was forced to evolve to become a different person. Not to be happy, but to keep living.
I was fifteen, and I had convinced myself that I knew the person I wanted to be. That I needed to prove something to the world, prove that I was worth something.In my mind life was a contest and I wanted to win. That all changed when a perfect storm raced towards me as I stood unaware. I still remember feeling the first drop, hoping it was a fluke...pretending it would go away if I ignored it. But it kept coming, until I was laying on a metal table having a total right Hip Replacement. As dramatic as it may sound I have never known pain like I have since then. From the time I got my diagnosis to the countless doctors to right now. Never for one minute did it stop, the storm just kept coming ruthless and unfeeling.
There were times when the pain got so bad, and the drugs stopped working when all I saw was dark. There still are times when my mind lingers to the idea of giving up. But I didn’t go through all of the; needles, doctors with bad news, medical bills, and pain just to give up. I always thought I knew myself, but I didn’t until now. Now I know that I am a fighter, as self righteous as that may sound. I spent the last two years suffering, having my body attack itself, and crying myself to sleep because I could no longer fit into the box I had made for myself. Thats what it took, all of that to open my eyes to the truth. The truth is I have spent my life trying to make up for things that were out of my control trying to forget things instead of forgive. Now I know what I want to do with my life, and I know that the truth of my health may be unfortunate but I owe it to myself to give everything I have into being the person I want to be. I know that I will always be sick, but that fact can’t stop me from creating the life I want for myself. It may take longer than most people, but we do what we have to.
I have always thought that Ideas like ‘fate’ and ‘everything happens for a reason’ were stupid, but now I see that for the first time in my life, I like the person I am. After all of the horrible things that have happened to me, I realize that is what it took for me to be me. I know what I want in life finally, I want to travel the world and write books. Books that provide refuge to readers, like me who need comfort, who find themselves in need of living just for a minute in the mind of a stranger. Even if only one person can read my book and say it changed them then my work is done. In truth I have to believe that everything happens for a reason, because if I didn’t I would go insane. So when I start to get in a dark place I just remind myself that sometimes the
experiences that shape us the most are the ones that leave us scared. Mine is ten inches and a constant reminder that life is a gift not a right. And I will spend every moment of my life living, really living. Because I don’t think it was an accident that this happened to me...that would just be too ironic.