Dear self,

   It’s been a long time since we have had a conversation, you and I, but times are changing and the nagging fear we have felt for so long is manifesting in to an urge, a need, a desire, to be something more. My mind is a thick, lush forest. Every thought, memory, and emotion is a seed for which a tree sprouts. Some cloaked in beautiful emerald leaves with a strong trunk to support the many branches that reach to the heavens. Some trees however are tattered, and leafless giving off a haunting and unwelcome feel. This corner is where the fear lies. Deep in the caverns of this lifeless section of my forest the beast rests, ready to raise its head at the first thought of my unclear future. Taking a deep breath, it lets out a deep growl, dripping with doubt, leaving me fighting to send the beast back into its slumber.

   What do you hope to leave in life? What are your plans for college? What are your plans for a career?  Such plain questions, but is ultimately one that I cannot answer. I am aware that being only sixteen and a mere junior in high school still gives me lots of time to ponder, however, all the words of warning from my fellow upperclassmen, parents, and even my older sister remind me that these four years in high school will go by fast; and so far it most certainly has.

    There are a few things I am certain of however. I know I don’t want to be a simple face in the crowd; I want to be known for doing great things, chancing the perspectives of others even. The way a singer performs a song, powered by a message so strong it leaves the listener breathless, or a piece of art that is, at first confusing at first glance, but as the viewer’s eyes take in the wholeness of the work shows a deep display of emotion. It’s a good start, but on how I am to achieve this goal is the source of my great unease. The weight of this baseless desire is at times as weightless as the paper these words are written on, but there are the times when the fear is almost suffocating, like a weight pressed to my chest.  

    Through trial and error I test my skills, one after another, seeking desperately to single one out. Honing in on that hidden talent. that secret spark of potential to allow me to pave the way to the future I desire.

    This item was never given to me, there is no one forcing me to hold onto this article of my being, and yet I can’t seem to let it go. In a way this fear, this uncertainty, this doubt, this silly little quirk, drives me. Keeping me focused and determined to take the talents and skills I have come to use and enjoy pushing me to master them; hoping that they will pave the way for the bright future I, if not all, search for.

   I do not want to be an average person. I want to be Hairy Houdini, Leonardo da Vinci, and Ian Clarke all in one. Though this fear is a cause of annoyance and anxiety, without it I would have nothing to strive for, and in many ways that is far worse than my unclear future plans all together.