I stop, suddenly on the way to a class at summer camp. A barrage of thoughts fighting for my attention. I see the light of the radiant allure of the sun and fully experience the beauty and tranquility of nature as I experience a new sense of euphoria. At that moment, I realized what actually happened the week before. I fell in love for the first time, with the most unexpected person in the most unexpected place. He became everything I thought about and has been for the past 18 months. He soon became everything I ever wanted but the exact opposite of what I thought I wanted in love.
            Then, I started to feel a sense of impending doom, the walls starting to close in on me and I couldn’t breathe and my heart started racing. It was the first in an almost 15 month series of panic attacks brought upon for no clear reason. He was the guy only found in magazines and movies, and we’ll just say that I’m not. I knew that I had this perfect gem in my life that I really didn’t want to lose or get hurt by and I was afraid.
            Foolishly, I told myself I hated him and tried to suppress any positive feelings towards him, which only brought upon more pain on my part. Selfishly, I refused any signs of affection, which I can only imagine as the most intimate moments of my life. Trying to understand where these feelings came from led to a 15 month struggle and then something amazing happened.
            Standing in front of the most beautiful river, talking to the most beautiful person in the world, those bottled up emotions, which I could only write in my personal journal, were attempting to make their way out of my head and out of my mouth. Although that attempt miserably failed, I did get a much bigger benefit from that conversation on that October morning.
            That morning I realized what life is and suddenly a whole new world opened for me. I realized I have a mission in life to make the world a better place. Also, at the same time, I fell in love all over again and relived the utopian euphoric feeling that I experienced 15 months before.
            As I started to grow and began to know myself more than ever before, I realized why. I believe that someone in the Universe wanted us to meet, to make my life better. He is everything I need in life, he inspires me and forces me grow while I strive to be as perfect as he is. This week, I realized I may have possibly given up the greatest adventure of my life due to an organization for which I have developed a deep-rooted hatred but was deeply dedicated to, which will always be remembered as the greatest mistake of my life. I tried for so long to understand how this love happened but now I am just grateful it happened. I would give up everything to have the boy who may have been my first love and everything I ever wanted.