Elana was simply a careless replacement. She was some duct tape hastily placed over a hole, covering sufficiently to an outside eye. But, really, water still slowly dripped through, making it evident only to those being dripped on what they were really missing.

Mimi, my mom’s mother and my beloved grandmother, passed away in June, two summers ago. It happened while I was at a school history competition with my mom in DC.

I woke to the sound of my mother’s sobs. When my eyes opened, I could just barely see the outline of my mom sitting on the edge of the plain white bed next to me, talking on the phone. I got up and hurried into the bathroom. It wasn’t until I was about to flush the toilet when I heard an especially harsh cry. My heart jumped into my throat at the raw, vulnerable sound of it. A tear or two at a sad movie wasn’t uncommon for my mom, but it was obvious to me that these cries were much more than that. I wrenched open the door and sat across from my mom.

“Are you ok, mom? What is it?” I asked softly, terrified of the answers to my questions.

I saw her take a deep breath and answer me. I think I stopped breathing for a couple seconds. I felt instantly overwhelmed, suffocated, like I was underneath a huge crashing wave, unable to surface myself. The panic, pain and sadness that rose up inside me frightened me so much because I knew whatever I was feeling, my mother must be feeling twice as much of it.

We got to Pop-Pop (my grandfather) in Annapolis, Maryland within the hour. The next few days were a blur. I don’t think my mom nor I could have gotten through them without each other; which is a thought that warms my heart and breaks it at the same time.

When we were already hearing about “Elana” within a couple of months, I was more than angry. How could he possibly have a girlfriend already? Does he even care that Mimi’s gone? How can he think that anyone could ever replace her? It didn’t help that Pop-Pop was a piece of work himself. Everytime I saw him or heard about him I just thought of how Mimi was, how kind, generous and thoughtful, so starkly different from him.

I first met Elana on Memorial Day weekend the next year. She was perfectly nice, not too friendly or nosy, just polite and seemingly respectful. It disgusted me. I wanted her to be horrible- mean, rude, nosy and condescending. It would have made it so much easier for me to hate her. Instead, people talked about how helpful she was. What would he do without her? She really is a lifesaver for him. Yes, Pop-Pop was crazy and a pill-popper and she was helpful and extremely tough for putting up with him, but I still wanted her gone.

It took a little while for me to realize that it’s not that I wanted Elana gone, I just wanted Mimi back. It’s hard, to say the least, to always pass the black wooden chair in the kitchen at our summer house that Mimi would sit in every day. My eyes fall on it and my heart aches, thinking about how many times I passed by her, maybe with a little hello, but rarely a full stop and a conversation. How I could cherish Mimi now- shopping, girl talk, and the good advice she would give me. But, my sister always tells me there’s no point in regret. It’s, again, taken me a little while to realize that she’s right. A specific quote hit this home for me. “Never regret anything because at one point it was exactly what you wanted.”

Mimi was generous beyond compare, so emotionally and mentally strong despite her physical weakness, and far more intelligent than she gave herself credit for. She played an influential role in my life, my sister’s life, my mother and my father’s life, and I’m sure so many other people’s lives as well. While Elana may seem to me a lousy attempt at a replacement on Pop-Pop’s part, maybe I should focus a little less on why she’s insufficient and more on why Mimi was so great. I miss you Mimi. I hope heaven is as amazing as you.