We were friends for two years. We weren't the best of friends, but we were close at one point. He was a few years older than me, and we bonded over similar interests like hiking and our love for animals. I can look back to the first time I met him and wonder how we ended up here?

Flash forward two years, and we're here. We're in a long distance monogamous friends-with-benefits, whatever that is. I don't even believe the 'frieds-with-benefits' label accurately defines us either. I don't believe anything can really. 

I used to like him so much a year ago. I remember it all started back in my last semester of high school. He had liked me before then too, I just didn't know it at the time. We were flirtatious, and it was always a back-and-forth kind of thing between us. Neither of us told the other how we felt, of course, but I think we both could have guessed it eventually.

The beginning of summer things came to a head. I spoke my mind and said what I wanted to.I told him how I used to really like him. I still liked him a bit around this time, but nothing like before. 

Following that encounter, our talks waned until mid-summer. He told me he didn't want a relationship becaue he could easily like multiple girls at the same time if said girls came into his life, and that was reason enough to not seek relationships. I was taken aback by the rawness of his answer, but I knew he was right. It wouldn't be fair to me, or anyone for that matter, to be put in that kind of situation.

He knew that I liked him, and I knew that he liked me. We went for a talk one day, and the night ended blissfully, but in a array of uncertainty. We kissed and we reconnected. We hadn't talked like that in months. I didn't know where that was going, but for the first time in my life, I wasn't planning it all out.

Right before the end of summer, things escalated. I did things I never would have thought that I would do. I did what I wanted to do though, and I went with the flow. I learned something valuable that night too; I didn't like him anymore. I loved him as a friend, cared for him like I would anyone else, but I did not like him the way that I had. I couldn't see a future with him, and I wasn't going to go seeking the unattainable.

That night left us with an unclear road. I don't know where this is heading, but it's what I currently want. I feel like I'll meet my regrets, and I'll welcome them in. I don't want to look back and say that I wish I had done this or that. Not this time.

So yes. That is where I am. I don't know how we got here, and we are both quite surprised that I even initiated this. We are a monogamous pair who aren't in a relationship that used to/still likes each other (on his part, and mine to a degree), and it's all long distance till winter break. We don't know where this is headed. I'm not sure if we want to know. 

I don't know if I could ever like him as I once did, or if he that is something I'd even want. What I do know is that something changed inside of me, and I won't shy away from it.