“I am worthy.” Those three words make up the mantra I’ve been trying to ingrain in my mind.

It’d make my recovery a whole lot easier if I could believe it. I would no longer attack myself and punish myself for falling short or not being enough. I wouldn’t get angry at myself when I fail. I would shake it off and improve.
Sometimes I believe it, like when I’m talking to people about my road to loving myself. I feel worthy when my friends hang out with me. I feel worthy when I have my favorite lipstick on. I feel worthy when I am dancing to Florence + the Machine.

But, I don’t feel worthy 24/7. I don’t feel worthy when I am sitting on my shower floor, drowning in tears. I don’t feel worthy when I see the one that left me. I don’t feel worthy at four in the morning when I am listening to Front Porch Step. I shouldn’t need the reassurance of another person to tell me I am worthy. I should be my biggest supporter, not my biggest enemy.

I need to be able to feel worthy when I am weak, when the monsters are attacking me full force. That’s when I will truly, without a doubt, 100% believe I am worthy. I need to believe I am worthy of other’s love, of my own love, and of living because I am. No matter what others say about me or what my demons scream at me, I need to believe that I am worthy.

Loving and accepting myself will be the biggest accomplishment of my life. I will be proud of myself when I no longer need someone to calm me down, when I stay clean for myself, not for the sake of another, when I believe I am worthy. Because I am worthy.