Depression….what is it? At first, I never knew the real definition. I didn’t know anything about it; not how it felt, what it meant, or how much of an impact it had on someone. I’ve always had class discussions about it or started to learn and understand it during school, but I never really truly knew what it was. I started to become interested in psychology when I began high school and taking the course really helped me understand the human mind and its functions. I learned that depression is a mood disorder that affects how you feel, think and behave. I was a sophomore in high school when I soon experienced what depression actually felt like and how much it’s impacted my life today.

It was the summer before 10th grade and I felt distant from a lot of my friends. As the months progressed and the beginning of the year started, it started to become a normal thing to feel tired and reserved all the time. My parents started to notice and consistently ask me what was wrong. “Nothing,” was always my response. I rarely had energy to do something and when I did, it was when I went to soccer. I’ve been playing soccer since I could even remember and I couldn’t see myself without it. It was one of the only things I could go to and just zone myself out.  I wasn’t a very open person when it came to expressing my problems or drama with others, but the only person I felt I could talk to was my best friend and boyfriend, Tyler. Tyler and I had a very close friendship before we started dating. I would tell him things and vent to him about how unhappy I was or how my friends ostracized me out of our friend group. I’d constantly feel alone and not important. I couldn’t think straight about my feelings, my actions, or my thoughts. We spent a lot of time together those few months and he helped me through a lot. Venting your feelings and thoughts to someone helps quite a bit, but sometimes it’s not enough. Although we’d have discussions having to do with my problems frequently, I still felt very unhappy. Self-harming was my go-to every time I got upset. Self harming was a way I could release anger, sadness, and worthlessness. I didn’t know how else to release all of my mixed up emotions nor do I know why I came to this solution.  I was comfortable with only Tyler knowing because if I had told my friends I knew they would judge me. If I told my parents I knew they’d ask a million and one questions and feel as if they had to take the blame for it.

Around January of 2016 worse comes to worse and my parents did found out. Tyler’s messaged popped up on my phone and he had texted me about how self harming was not the answer and my mom saw the message. At the time, my dad was out of state due to a business trip. The morning my mom found out she started to cry and ask the questions I was afraid of. She called my dad right away and told him the news. She tried to take me to her work that day, but I couldn’t go because I had school. She left and was texting me the rest of the morning. On my way to school my dad called me, bawling his eyes out. He asked just as many questions my mom did. “Why did this happen?” “Why couldn’t you tell or even talk to your mother and I?” The hardest part was seeing my parents so upset and knowing that they were blaming themselves. I talked to my dad on the phone for a while on my way to school. We hung up on each other as I was walking in. Later that day he showed up at my school. He had flown back from his business trip to talk to me in person and talk about what had happened earlier that morning. He made me get out of class early to talk to the school counselor and psychologist. They suggested I go see a psychologist or clinical therapist outside of school and talk to someone. My dad did lots of research to find someone I was comfortable talking to . A few days later I had my first appointment. I talked to her an hour and a half once every other week. I told her about my friends, how unhappy I was and how I disliked my life at the time. It was hard the first few sessions, but I opened up and the words came pouring out. She understood a lot of things and really helped me through my problems Within the months that I saw her, I became a little bit more confident, I stopped self harming and I became more comfortable talking with my parents as well as a few teachers at school. My clinical therapist diagnosed me with low-grade depression. She said it wasn’t anything serious, but I should still be aware of it.

Summer of 2015 started and I was ready for the adventures and spending time with my friends. Two weeks into it and I hated it already. It was nothing like I expected. I still had problems with the people I considered my friends. These girls played nothing but games all summer. I spent the majority of my summer with one friend during the day and Tyler at night. I didn’t do much though. This friend of mine and I usually went to the beach or pool, or went to get food. Then at night Tyler and I would have a bonfire with a couple of his friends or watch movies. I tried to make the most of summer and so did Tyler because he knew I was still having trouble with these girls. We had a great time walking around State Fair and eating all different kinds of food. We ate corn, potatoes, ice cream, drank the various kinds of milk, and enjoyed the long days in the sun. Summerfest was another place Tyler and I had a great time at. We tagged along with some of his friends a few of the nights so we would have more fun with a bigger group. We went to see all of the country singers who performed; Florida Georgia Line, Chase Rice, Billy Currington, Thomas Rhett, Brett Eldredge and a few others. We tried to make the best of summer with the people I had. My parents, Tyler, my therapist, and the few others friends I had helped me get through summer and were all there for me when things went downhill. I couldn’t even express how thankful I am for my parents and the other people I have in my life for all of their support and love.

I learned a huge lesson throughout the past year. I learned that you shouldn’t take anything for granted and there will always be someone there for you to have a shoulder to cry on. I learned that there is so much more to life than just the “high school life” and we should be looking beyond that. Although I’m not someone who has major depression, I am still able to overcome this mild form of it and get through it. I have become more confident and I took a second look at who I want to live my life with through the years. I surround myself with people who love and care about me. I am the way I am today because of my experience with depression and how it felt and what the impact it has on someone's life.