INTRODUCTION

I was born on January 15, 1998.  My original plan was to write a story about the last three years of my life. For the simple fact that I didn’t want to talk about my past. After much thought I decided I need to tell my story. If I don’t it’ll haunt me forever.  I also hope telling my story will help kids like me who been through similar things know they are not alone. (Names of people in the story besides mines has been changed for privacy reason)

I have always believed that horrors can seal the mouth. And not only the mouth, but also the heart and mind, at least for a long time. That there are horrors that let all stories die because the words refuse to come.

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Do you know how it feels to have no one in your corner? Or to be lonely when surrounded by smiling faces? To be scared to talk to anyone because you don’t know who to trust? If you answered no to any of these questions you have no right to say you understand what I’ve been through or how I feel. Truth is you will never understand until you have experienced the same things I’m about to tell you.

This story begins on January 14, 2012. The day my life took a turn for the worst. I was 13 at the time and I was outside playing with my friends in North Philadelphia. My mother was throwing a birthday party for her boyfriend so the adults were in the house drinking and having there own fun. My friends and I were running up and down the street our boundary (set by our mothers) were we couldn't pass the stop sign at the end of the block and we couldn’t pass the corner store at the beginning of the block. At the time it was ok with us because mostly all the neighborhood kids came on our block to hang with us.

On this particular day however, three guys from another neighborhood was also hanging with us. Jordan and Will who I knew from school because we were in the same class.  They bought a friend with them. I seen him around before when school was out and I started to walk home, but I never seen him in our school so I wasn’t even sure if he was even going to school at all. I learned later that night that his name was Elliot. I don’t remember the exact game we were playing but i do know it caused for a lot of running. I started to get hot seeing as though I was wearing a big hoodie and a winter coat. I decided to take my coat off and sit on our front steps (house on the left with brown door). A few minutes after I returned to playing with the others I notice my coat was missing. Panicking because I wasn’t suppose to take it off in the first place I searched frantically until I heard Elliot calling my name. And there was my jacket in the clutches of his  itty bitty hands. I screamed at him multiple times to give me back my jacket, but of course he didn’t listen to me. Soon Elliot, D, and Will made a game of passing my jacket around and watching me trying to take it away from them.My jacket was soon back in the hands of Elliot and he was running up the block with it past the corner store where I wasn’t allowed to past. How was I supposed to get my jacket back If I couldn't go pass the two corner stores? At this point I was getting cold again so I really wanted my jacket back. I could just go in the house and tell one of the adults they took my jacket,but than again there’s a high possibility they are all drunk and I’d get yelled at for taking it off in the first place and I don’t want that. My other friends were all the way down the street still playing and I didn’t want to drag them away from the game over a jacket. I guess the reasonable thing to do was to get my jacket myself before anyone realize I was missing.
I ran past the corner stores on to the next block and chased after the boys for my jacket. My house falling farther and farther behind me. With each step I took I could feel the winter air coursing through my hoodie making me shiver. I needed to get my jacket back and fast. When I finally caught up with Elliot, him and Will were standing on the steps in front of a red house. My jacket nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s my jacket?”  I asked doubled over trying to catch my breath which was hard to do with the winter’s crisp cool air filling my lungs just made them burn more. “I’m not playing anymore give me my jacket” I demanded using the tree in front of the house for support.

“Do you see us with your jacket?” Will asked. I looked around and shook my head no. “Then obviously we don’t have it.” he continued. As if one cue Jordan open the front door and lo and behold there was my jacket lying carelessly on the steps that led to the second floor of the house. Will came out of the hose and stood behind the door holding it open. It wasn’t till later I learned the house was abandoned and Elliot had Will break in through the back window to unlock the front door. At the time I just thought it was his home.

“Your jacket is right there if you want it go get it,” Will said.

I was a little suspicious about going to the house because I didn’t know what they were planning.  I was gone for more than I wanted to be and I was sure by now my friends had to realize I was gone. Analyzing the situation I could do one of two things. I could just walk back home and later on tell my mom someone stole my jacket and get yelled at for not having my jacket on. Or I could run in the house grab my jacket and hurry and run back out. I went with the second option. The stairs in the house was perfectly lined up with the front door so I was 90% sure that I could grab my jacket and make it out the house before they tried anything.  I took a deep breath and ran as fast as I could into the house. But I underestimated Elliot and his friends. By the time I ran in the house they were right behind me closing the door behind them. As well as blocking my way out.

“Get out of the way I have to go back home” I said trying to push my way past them.

“You're not going anywhere until you do something for us” Elliot kept saying.
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Basically what happened that night wasn’t good. Elliot invited two more boys I went to school with over and I was rape that night. The night before my 14th birthday. I was raped by four boys that went to school with me everyday, and a boy that I hardly knew but had a crush on. Life after that was horrible. I had to talk to the SVU, and transfer schools. I didn’t tell my mom about it I just wanted to forget that it happen. Pretend like it never happened. Later on I found out that one of the boys recorded the whole thing. Carelessly they had it on their phones and one of my friends saw it and showed their mom who later on showed my mom.
            
My mother didn’t believe that I was assaulted and it hurt. Thinking  she was protecting me, my mother didn’t allow me to leave the house. I was able to go to school and back that’s it. I wasn’t even allowed to play in front of the house with my friends. I was a prisoner and I didn’t like it.
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Since the incident I haven’t been able to go outside unless I was headed to school. Lucky for me my school was was 50 minutes away. All this means is after school, instead of catching the bus straight home, I can catch the first bus and than walk the rest of the way home. With this plan I was able to walk by the park all my friends go to after school. So I was able to still see my friends.
 
My mother soon caught on to what I was doing. She didn’t like it, but she also knew she wouldn’t be able to keep me away from the outside. My mother loosened up my leash and I was finally able to go in front of the door at last...even if it was only for a few hours.

One day my friend and I was sitting on the front steps and he was helping me with my math homework. Well he was trying to help me with my math homework but I wasn’t really paying attention. We soon both grew hungry so I went in the house to make us some french fries to snack on. After the fries were done I remember seeing myself turning of the stove. I guess I didn’t. Five minutes after I came back outside with the fries, the smoke detectors went off.  At first I didn’t think nothing of it because our smoke detectors always went off even when there wasn’t any smoke.

My mother came to door steaming mad and yelling at first I didn’t understand what was going on. Until she asked me was I the last one to use the stove. When I told her yes she started yelling even more. Saying things like “You could have burned the house down” or “are you trying to kill us?”  She wouldn’t leave me alone about it, she even brought up the whole rape thing again. I couldn’t take it anymore. I was tired of hearing about all the mistakes I made and how I made life so hard. I get it I wasn’t the person everyone wanted  me to be so why even try anymore?

Up until this point, I always had suicidal thoughts but I never acted on it. This time I knew exactly how I wanted to do it. Storming up the stairs with tears blinding my sight I made my way to the bathroom. Locking myself in I slid down on the floor my head in my hands. I felt worthless and useless. All I did was cause problems for those around me. I stood on my feet  and looked at my reflection in the mirror, my brown cheeks wet with tears . I knew how I could fix all this. All I had to do was kill myself.

I opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed the only prescription bottle that was in there. I don’t remember exactly how many pills I took that night  but I do know they made me really sleepy. I went down stairs and sat on the couch. After that I don’t remember anything besides my sister waking me up to get ready for school. My head was pounding and I could barely walk straight. My mother had asked me if I took anything but I just told her no.

Once I got to school that morning I went straight to my guidance counselor and told her everything. I was rushed to the nurse office. There I waited for an ambulance to take me to the hospital. After all the test and procedures I was sent to a psychiatric hospital. It wouldn’t be my last one.
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I’ve been through many things a girl my age shouldn’t have to go through. I tried to kill myself numerous time and self-harm. I've even been hospitalized twice.The first time I tried to kill myself. The other time happened this school year in the beginning of December. After facing so many challenges in my life, I haven’t given up. I haven’t given up because I honestly believe I was meant for something greater. If I didn't believe in a greater power, I do now cause if no such power existed I would be dead, and you wouldn’t know my story today.

Thanks to many people I’m slowly recovering from the things in my past. I’m slowly learning how to deal with my past. I’m fighting my demons one by one and I will come out victorious. I’m a survivor of my own darkness that dwells inside of my heart. My light is shining brighter and brighter everyday I choose to wake up and fight.

So Ms. N you wanted a non fiction story this is at real as it gets with me. My story might not be happy-go-lucky but this is what you asked for.