First off, I would just like to thank all of you who have given me such eye-opening advice over the past few years. “I know how you feel but we all feel that way, maybe you should just try to focus more on the positives?” “You just need to stop thinking about it.” “I know you’re struggling right now, but just think about how much worse other people have it.” “Why don’t you just, like, stop?” “You’re not trying hard enough.” And, of course, my personal favorite “it’s all in your head.” I love when people tell me that, it’s like a revolutionary discovery- it’s all in my head, wow, it’s almost as though I have a mental illness. When you see that I’m struggling please tell me that I just need to change my mindset or try harder, really, it’s incredibly helpful. Once I hear those magic words suddenly I am cured. Incredible!

And to answer all of your questions, yes, this is a choice. I woke up one morning and sat at the table eating a bowl of cereal and I decided right then and there that I was going to stop being happy- and I can definitely decide just as easily to go back. “Why can’t I just eat?” you ask. Excellent question, I’d never thought of that before. Hand me a plate of steaming hot pancakes and all my issues with food and my body will be solved. And no, despite everything you see and hear on the news about mental illness I am not a danger to you. To myself? Maybe, on a bad day, but- shocking as it may be- I have no desire to cause you or anyone else harm.

And to my father, who immediately upon discovering my issues with self harm thought that it was a good time for jokes. Yes, your idea to make a club of teens who cut and have the motto be “just be nice, don’t slice” is highly amusing. I still laugh about it to this day.

And to the psychiatrist who told me that she no longer felt comfortable working with me as I was just too difficult, I totally understand. Why should you, a medical professional, be trained to work with the more difficult cases like mine? I wouldn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable, and I can understand why, at one of my most difficult times, you would see fit to push me away. It’s okay though, I’m used to being ostracized for being ‘too messed up’ or ‘too weird’. It doesn’t hurt in the least to essentially be told that I’m too sick for treatment. Don’t worry about my feelings, it’s not like that’s part of your job description or anything.

And to the insurance companies who stopped paying because I wasn’t sick enough and the hospitals which kicked me out because I was too sick, I promise not to take it personally. So maybe I was having chest pains, my hair was falling out, my organs slowing down, and my body eating away at itself, but I wasn’t skinny so it can’t be too serious right? I couldn’t possibly have been struggling when I didn’t fit the stereotypical image of the girl with the eating disorder. If the illness isn’t visible it doesn’t exist and if it doesn’t exist then it clearly doesn’t require coverage for treatment. Besides, it’s not like it was anything serious like cancer or a broken arm or even a common cold which you are all too willing to cover.

And to the people who told me it was just too hard being friends with me and that they couldn’t handle the stress of being friends with someone with mental illness, I can definitely see where you’re coming from. It seems like the only thing worse would be actually having the mental illness. But don’t worry, I wouldn’t want to be a burden on your happiness.

And to society who continues to tell me that mental illness is fake or a choice or all about the attention, thank you for telling me that my illness is invalid. That because you may not see it or feel it,  it couldn’t possibly be real. Just know that this ‘fake’ issue affects one in four people, and someday that one could be you, and if it isn’t something that affects you directly then you should consider yourself lucky. But statistically, at least one person you’re close to is struggling whether they do so in secret or are open about it, and by telling them that their illness is selfish and fake you are only discouraging them from getting help.

And most importantly to myself and all those like me, for letting the stigma control you, for spending years struggling alone, for almost not getting help until it was already too late- you believed them. You believed that your pain was no more than a figment of your imagination and that your sadness was superficial. You believed that you were not sick enough to deserve to get better and I can’t imagine anything sicker than that thought. You don’t have to struggle alone and no one else should either. And when they tell you that talking about your illness is you being selfish, you look them in the eye and tell them they’re right. That you are selfish, and that you’re proud of it. Because sometimes you need to put yourself first, and what could possibly be more selfish than the pursuit of your own happiness. And when they tell you that you’re looking for attention, you just nod your head and laugh.

Because you are looking for attention, not for yourself but for the issue as a whole, so that someday maybe people will understand that just because it’s ‘all in your head’ doesn’t mean it's not a real illness and a real problem.