Tears were streaming down my face, yet I had never felt so happy in my entire life. I sat down in front of the blessed sacrament, took a deep breath, and surrendered myself completely to Him.

During the end of August my teacher told me I was one of the few juniors chosen to go on the a retreat. I was honored, yes. However, I felt restricted. I felt that I couldn't go tell my friends how excited I was because they weren't chosen. I felt that since the other participants were all best friends, and to me they were all just a familiar face, I would feel excluded. But most of all, I felt it would just be another normal retreat. However, not only did I understand what an honor being chosen was and I had obviously heard all the great things the past participants had said in regards to the retreat, but I also felt drawn to the retreat in a greater way. Maybe, deep down, I thought God wanted me to go. 

As the retreat drew closer, I grew more anxious. I felt I didn't have enough clothes, that the few hugs and congratulations from my peers were forced, and that maybe I wasn't worthy of going. Yeah, I am perceived as someone whose faith is strong and unwavering. And people have every right to assume so. I mean, I teach CCD, I attend and participate in mass regularly, and I help lead my parish's youth group. But, I felt like I was only going through the motions with these things. I lacked that fire that I saw so many people had for Christ. I longed for it, but I didn't have it. So a lot of the time, I faked it. When I pondered this, I felt I was chosen because of my fake persona. I felt like a hypocrite. But I tried to suppress those feelings.

  Fast forward to the first night in New Jersey. By this time, all of us felt fairly comfortable with each other, even me, and so we went hiking outside of the retreat center we were staying in before the retreat. All of us walked hand in hand to no particular place. We just walked somewhere in complete darkness. Joseph then had an idea. He asked if we wanted to go lay down by the lake and look at the stars. We all agreed and excitedly rushed to the lake as quickly as we could, mind you we were going down hill while it was pitch black outside. When we got there, all of us laughing, we laid down on the grass, snuggled close to each other for warmth, and just looked up. That was the first time. That was the first time I felt Jesus' presence during the trip, probably the third time in my whole life, and I was so genuinely happy. We sang songs, we openly talked about how crazy it was that we were all there together, and we made each other promises. We promised to never lose what we felt that night. So far, so good.
The second time. By now we were all already in our second day of the retreat. We had made new friends from different parts of the East Coast, and our bonds with each other had reached places we never thought possible.

After hearing a witness talk and reflecting over it in our small groups, my teacher, who was in my small group and who i never spoke to before the retreat, pulled me aside. She basically told me she saw Christ in me and that God wanted me to be on this retreat so I could share my light with others. I broke down. An endless stream of tears rolled down my face and I hugged her for who knows how long. No one had ever told me something that beautiful before. I was in shock.

Just to be clear, God is slick. He makes everything happen for a reason. And that was an experience that has changed my life forever.