Failure is Success 

“Thump, thump, thump”, my heart was beating fast as I pulled out my phone to check the results. My mind went back to the night of my tryouts. I remember how my fingers were cold to the touch and my legs were shaking of fear. We slowly pulled into the parking lot, the sky black and rain pouring down like a fountain. I remembered the long minute of silence, and the nerves looming above like an ominous cloud. This is my only shot, I thought, I have to play good. We had 5 minutes until we had to go inside and the clock was ticking faster than ever. 

“Don't stress,'' Mrs. Bershiet said, trying to inspire us. “It's just a tryout, it will be fine, don't let your nerves take over”.

As we slowly pulled up to the front of the building the little confidence that I had built up was crushed by the sight of all the girls waiting in line. There is no way I'm going to make this team. The idea filled my head and refused to leave. We climbed out of the car; I felt the cold drops of rain hitting my skin as we ran inside to join the rest of the girls waiting in the line to register. As more girls joined the line, more negative thoughts filled my mind. 

“Hi what's your name”, I heard and snapped out of my thoughts. 

“Evelyn Metze”, I responded. 

After we registered we were sent to the bathroom to wash our hands and change into tryout shirts. “We're going to do fine,” Camryn said. I nodded in response. When we walked into the gym I was overwhelmed by the sight of 50 girls and the volleyballs flying through the air. The squeaks that were made on the floor from shoes crashing with the courts and the sound of knee pads hitting the ground as girls slid on the floor trying to save falling balls all, intimidated me. We slowly made our way to the benches to put on our knee pads and shoes on and went onto the gym floor to pass. As we passed I started to believe that I still had a chance to make the team, every pass I could feel the nerves start to disappear. The coaches called everyone in the middle to start the tryouts and I noticed that some of the girls were wearing black shirts instead of orange. 

“Because of Covid”, one coach started, “Our players that did not get to finish last year's season, will automatically get a spot on this year's teams” she said.

I looked at Camryn and our eyes slowly drifted over to the girls in black shirts, taking in how many of them there were, I remember when the realization hit us. There were very little spots to fill. Again, I felt like an elephant had stepped on my confidence, destroying it again. We were split up on two courts and luckily, Camryn and I were on the same one. The coaches instructed us to make a long line at the back of the court. They explained the drill and I watched as the first girl in line made her way onto the court and by herself, passed the ball back to the coach who had hit it hard down to her. One by one each of the girls in front of me went until it was finally my turn. My foot crossed the painted blue line on the floor, my heart beating like a drum. “Smack” I heard the coach slap the ball and I immediately started to focus. I felt the smooth ball hit the familiar spot on my forearm as I watched the ball go up in the air and make its way back to the coach. The second hit wasn't a great pass, but at least I got it up; the third and the fourth hit came and I got them both back to the coach. I stepped back in line with adrenaline running through me, proud of myself for what I did, but still scared for what was to come. After a long two hours, the tryouts came to an end and we made our way to the car exhausted and worried. It is what it is I assured myself, if I made it I made it, if I didn't I didn't, nothing can change that now.

I could feel the memory slowly start to fade as my mind returned back to my bedroom. I anxiously logged into my account to see the results. My hands were shaking and suddenly something inside of me decided that I needed to be on this team. You had to make it, you had to make it; if Camryn made it you had to too. The thoughts swarmed my mind and locked themselves in my head. I felt as if I needed to prove myself, to show that I was just as good as Camryn, I needed to make myself and my family proud. The feeling came like a heavy blanket and wrapped itself around me. I slowly moved my fingers down the smooth, glowing screen, my eyes heavy with sleep, looking for my number. It has to be here, it has to be and then I saw it. My heart sunk all the way to the floor as I saw my name on the alternates list. I stared at the screen in shock, I didn't make it, I was crushed. It felt like my dream to continue playing volleyball was immediately put to an end and I convinced myself that I wasn't good enough to play anymore. But, soon I came face to face with the fact that I didn't make the team, and slowly learned to accept it. I realized that everyone is going to fail sometime during their lifetime, I learned to use my failure as something to make me stronger and encourage me, rather than something that brought me down.

I now use the same method when I make other mistakes as well, whether it was not doing great on a math test or not making a volleyball team, I used it as a way to make myself better. So, I started practicing harder, pushing myself to get better and telling myself that there is always a next year. Eventually, I was thankful for this experience and glad that I found a way to cope with my failure. I also learned not to get yourself down from experiences in the past because everyday you are becoming a better person, mentally and physically. So, the next time I make a mistake or get a bad grade I can understand that my failure is just as important as my success.