Ever had troubles throwing back jabs shot at your beloved sports team? Player? Fan base? Or, rather, just troubles adjusting an askew perception of it? Fret no more, my friend! Here’s your free lesson on How to Manage Sports Smack Talk. We’d like to call it Sports Management, but we wouldn’t be able to give you a degree for, uh, legal reasons. But we’ve got better! Here’s the cheat sheet you don’t have to sneak under the desk! Just say you’re reading this newspaper like a regular citizen, and you’d like to practice your multi-tasking skills during your Sports Smack Talk test. Get started!
Comebacks 101
Simple Example: YOUR QUARTERBACK is slower than a distracted glacier. He couldn’t escape pass-rushers if someone lit flames on his socks.
Answer as followed: MY QUARTERBACK is old-school, conventional, methodical. He lives in the pocket.

YOUR DESIGNATED HITTER is the Michelin Man with a helmet.
MY DESIGNATED HITTER doesn’t need to run when he’s tarnishing balls that clock the popcorn sellers in the head above centerfield.

YOUR FANS at games are lame. They’d let you hear a penny drop during the game, yet they’d turn into an Oprah crowd if you threw it up for grabs.
MY FANS simply don’t have to worry about chanting M-V-P for our best player. When the scoreboard is a glance away from cringing, your fans start doing it for us.

YOUR DEFENSIVE LINE couldn’t fight through a sea of toothpicks.
MY DEFENSIVE LINE would rather see your shaky quarterback try to make a play against my secondary of ball thieves.

YOUR PITCHER gives us a seventh inning stretch in between each pitch. We’d jump to the occasion of a seminar on drying paint if we could.
MY PITCHER knows a batter can’t focus after a nap.

YOUR COACH throws chairs to midcourt in fury…enough said.
MY COACH gets his point across…the court.

YOUR GOLF BALL is rigged! It’s got some magnetic force of attraction to the hole like that scene in Space Jam!
MY GOLF BALL is just allergic to sunlight, that’s all.

YOUR POINT GUARD shoots too much.
MY POINT GUARD is a shooting guard that brings the ball up the floor.

YOUR ‘FACE OF THE FRANCHISE’ needs to know when to hang ’em up. He’ll be looking up at his grave before he retires.
MY FACE OF…was that a death threat, or were you complementing that my ‘Face of the Franchise’ isn’t a quitter?

YOUR SPORT is boring to watch.
MY SPORT has each play based off a strategic, plotted plan for what will happen next so each play can be as perfected as the following; it takes a while of brushed noses from behind the fence, moving fingers from the plate, and head movements from the mound before it’s mapped out.

YOUR BEST PLAYER is more wiry a build than an ancient computer.
MY BEST PLAYER is lengthy and impossible to block.

YOUR G.M. couldn’t make a good decision if he were at the counter of Ice Cream Heaven, let alone at the stakes of his team.
MY G.M. wants you to tell him this in ten years when draft picks are primed and the roots of a presently building foundation are imbedded in an experienced cohesion of players. In his mind rests patience, something many feel the need to disrupt and awake to make something happen now. Success isn’t a wait for progression, though; it allows it to marinate. Too deep? Sorry…

YOUR WIDE RECEIVER flicks an unraveling red carpet as he high steps through the end zone before contorting some ugly night club dance move.
MY WIDE RECEIVER doesn’t see where the complaint is coming from. He’s busy peeling open his invitation to Dancing with the Stars. Back of the line of media, bud.

YOUR REFEREES are dumber than zebras and blinder than bats with eye patches.
MY REF…they’re not my referees, and I couldn’t agree more.