Boston, dubbed ‘The Hub’, is more so The Heed of media these days.
From the Celtics’ head coach, Doc Rivers, leaving for the LA Clippers; to the ongoing trade rumors around Rajon Rondo, to the official trades of Kevin Garnett, Paul Pierce, and Jason Terry to Brooklyn in exchange for Gerald Wallace, Kris Humphries, Kris Joseph, Keith Bogans, Reggie Evans, and the Nets’ first-round draft picks for the 2014, 2016, and 2018 drafts, ultimately signifying a long-term-preserving approach from G.M. Danny Ainge, the core group that brought Boston its 17th NBA championship in the rearview mirror, a disgruntled, rehabbing Rondo the only piece of that run remaining; to the Patriots’ Aaron Hernandez mess, of whom they released before court rulings were even placed; to the Bruins’ loss to the Blackhawks in the Stanley Cup Finals two weeks ago, and even less excitement piled on Boston from—to say the least—unproductive NBA and NHL drafts.
Heavy sigh! It’s a mouthful, I know. It makes the Bad News Bears fans seem fortunate, right? Imagine wrapping up two weeks’ worth of this to a die-hard Boston sports fan who was unconscious in a coma through it all and now is as oblivious enough to make a speechless monk look like a sports analyst. Here’s a shot at it.
Jimmy: Man, what happened to me?
Lewis: Well, the night the Boston Bruins made it to the Stanley Cup Finals, you thought you could ice skate on the icy roads.
Jimmy: Wait, what?
Lewis: You said you were reenacting Adam McQuaid’s goal in game 4? You were swinging a broom around because they swept the Penguins. A car got the best of you. A Cadillac made you pay for it, big time.
Jimmy: Not the first time someone’s admitted that. So was it worth it? Did they win it all?
Lewis: No and no. So quit with the superstition stunts. Oh, and trust me. That was about a blade of grass to the field of mishaps our city’s had since you’ve been out of it.
Jimmy: Please explain…
Lewis: Shortly after, Ray Allen got everything he had ditched Boston for: a second championship ring.
Jimmy: Oh, great.
Lewis: Then it was the media scrutiny for the ‘publicity stunt’ the New England Patriots pulled by signing Tim Tebow as a third-stringer.
Jimmy: So, who cares?
Lewis: Good question.
Jimmy: Okay, I’ve used up all my tissues. I think that’s enough sorrow for one conversation.
Lewis: Oh, we’re just getting started. Then it was Celtics coach Doc Rivers being dealt to the Clippers.
Jimmy: Whoa, now. You’re a little outdated. You’re thinking of 1991 when he was dealt there as a player!
Lewis: Nope. Agreed to a three-year, $21 million contract for a 2015 first-round pick. And here’s probably the biggest piece of news of them all. Patriots’ tight end Aaron Hernandez—
Jimmy: Yeah, my favorite player. What about him?
Lewis: He, uh. Let’s just say he’s not number 81 anymore. He’s 174954.
Jimmy: What! What’d he do?
Lewis: He was released by the Patriots after week-long reports of his affiliation with a murder. The same day, he was charged with a first-degree murder. The next day, he was denied bail.
Jimmy: Well, at least we still have a great core group of receivers. We still have Rob Gronkowski at tight end and Wes Welker and Brandon Lloyd as wide-outs.
Lewis: Nope. Welker inked a deal with Denver, and Lloyd was released. Gronkowski is still recovering from back surgery and may have to miss training camp. After that, the Celtics had the NBA Draft, though they didn’t have to stick around long.
Jimmy: Why’s that?
Lewis: They had one pick in the entire draft; the 16th pick of the first round, in which they gambled with a 20-year old, seven-foot Brazilian center, Lucas Nogueira. With a wingspan of 7’6”, standing reach of 9’6”, you’ll think you’re blown away at that until you hear he’s a mere 220 pounds.
Jimmy: Sounds sketchy. What were his stats?
Lewis: Five points and three rebounds a game.
Jimmy: Well that won’t help his cause! Sounds like another Fab Melo, and we saw how that draft pick did us. He couldn’t leave a dent in tin foil, let alone a game.
Lewis: To make matters worse for the Celts, two days later Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett were traded to the Brooklyn Nets for Gerald Wallace, a few role players, and the 2014, 2016, and 2018 first-round picks of the Nets. I guess we can hold our sitting ovation for about five to ten years.
Jimmy: Stop it! I can’t take this anymore! That better be it…
Lewis: …The Bruins’ first pick wasn’t until pick number 60 in the NHL Draft the following day.
Jimmy: What in the name of—let me guess, the Red Sox dropped 15 straight!
Lewis: Actually, no! Still dominating the AL East!
Jimmy: Great! One last question. How’s the bad guys—uh, the Yankees’ Curtis Granderson rehabbing?
Lewis: Still can’t grip a bat.
Jimmy: Good to hear!
Lewis: For Boston’s luck’s sake, let’s just stay away from icy roads from now on.