Alright, Bills. Hold your horses. As you may have heard, the Buffalo Bills have shown the Dollar bills to yet another unproven kid under center. This one has the mouth to prove that he will, until he wakes up from his day dream, be a proven quarterback on a proven team. We love the fire that Kevin Kolb (pronounced ‘cob’) brings to the media table, though. It’s reassuring that his new, two-year, $6.1 million contract isn’t going to be a total bust like the last several. Don’t believe me when I say ‘bust’?
Philadelphia Eagles, 2007. Took a couple snaps.
Philadelphia Eagles, 2008. Six games, no touchdowns, four interceptions.
Philadelphia Eagles, 2009. Five games, four touchdowns, three interceptions.
Philadelphia Eagles, 2010. Seven games, seven touchdowns, seven interceptions. Seven’s a lucky number, right? Perhaps the greatest season he’s had.
Arizona Cardinals, 2011. Alright, time for a new start here. Nine games, nine touchdowns, eight interceptions, seven fumbles. Yikes.
Arizona Cardinals, 2012. Redemption year? Six games, eight touchdowns, three interceptions. Try exemption-from-playing-time year.
In 34 career games in the NFL, Kolb has thrown 25 interceptions to his petite tally of 28 touchdown passes, fumbled the ball 19 times, averaged out a dreadful 31.8 quarterback rating, and made too many statisticians cringe. You know you’re in desperate need of a quarterback when you clean up the pile of barf you left from looking at a guy’s resume, and sign him anyway.
How far can this team more hopeless than a worm in a desert possibly go? “Super Bowl” is the pair of words Kolb dares to mention. Where are the tomatoes to throw? The Buffalo Bills went a horrendous 6-10 last season with a quarterback in Ryan Fitzpatrick more developed than Kevin Kolb is. Okay, let’s be honest. Deciding to take chances with Kolb over Fitzpatrick, at this point, is like picking Carl Lewis over Roseanne Barr to sing the national anthem; it’s not much of a treat either way (If you’re in for a laugh, look up these voices from Heaven).
Alright, we’ve seen a lot of 2011 Tebows happen over the course of a few years, incredible, Cinderella-story victories coming as a result, but let’s be real here. SUPERBOWL?
“For me, it was just ‘hey, how can I go win, how can I go be successful,’” says a face on Kevin Kolb more serious than an angry Clint Eastwood (forget the squinty eyes, though). “I’m here to win a Super Bowl, period.” I wish the wallpaper behind him was sponsored by Snickers so we’d have permission to do so. We can’t expect him to say anything less to the fans, so we’ll just laugh sometime in January when their season ends—the Super Bowl is in February, by the way.
Kevin Kolb, rookies are seen the same way, so don’t feel left out. Last year, after the Indianapolis Colts selected Andrew Luck as their first pick, we watched the opening kickoff like it was a coin flipping across the room, the blue jerseys hoping ‘luck’ would help them get heads instead of tails. Every game was as intensely watched as an inauguration, a rookie, unproven in the NFL, taking the field, trying to lead a team that went 2-14 the prior season. Luck strapped his team to his jet pack and rocketed out of the dungeons of the league, winning 11 games and tasting a playoff berth. It was what we all called ‘incredible.’
Kevin Kolb, you will have to watch your turnovers. You have had 44 turnovers in your 34-game career.
You will have to be on target. 25 of those turnovers have been poorly thrown passes.
You will have to be able to scramble from pressure to buy time in the pocket. You’ve been sacked 77 times; that’s over two times a game.
You cannot get hurt. You already have had two serious injuries in your young career.
Kevin Kolb, you will have to be ‘incredible.’ You can’t erase the past, but you can draw your present. If it’s a good enough drawing, you’ll be in a throne, and doubting jokes like mine will be bowing down to you.
The Lombardi Trophy is waiting.