The Ideas Desk | Teen Ink

The Ideas Desk

July 27, 2016
By Jtatsu PLATINUM, East Brunswick, New Jersey
More by this author
Jtatsu PLATINUM, East Brunswick, New Jersey
26 articles 0 photos 77 comments

     A shadow walked along the crumbling ruins of the empty city, not really sure where it was headed. Wherever it was, it seemed in no hurry to go.
     Constantly stopping every few blocks to examine a coffee shop, a library, crowded apartment buildings, the shadow could see how the city might have once been a lively place, but that clearly wasn’t the case now. Covered with dust from a bygone time, the shadow observed how everything was falling into disrepair: the buildings overgrown with ivy and creeping vines, leaning every which way like hastily built towers of building blocks, the paved streets giving way to dry cracked soil- even the sky was a muddy orange, tired and devoid of life.
     So imagine the shadow’s surprise when it saw a real, working neon sign, reading “Welcome! Please come in and have a seat.”
     Glad to get out of the rather depressing city, the shadow put its hand on the door handle and gave a firm push, only to be met with what looked like an empty and rather boring waiting room that was just as dirty and miserable as everything else in the city.
     Disappointed, the shadow turned around to leave but was blinded by a sudden bright light.
     “Welcome to the Ideas Desk! How may I help you?”
     Encountering the first sign of intelligent life in the otherwise completely abandoned city, the shadow slowly opened its eyes, trying to comprehend what it was seeing.
     What seemed at first like an empty room was suddenly filled with all manner of people that the shadow had no way of describing. The only thing that the people seemed to share in common was a certain emotion, a certain look. It seemed that one part of the shadow’s first impression was correct- it was a waiting room, and all these people were waiting for something. But for what?
     “Ahem,” the receptionist coughed politely. “Do you need something?”
     Startled into action, the shadow awkwardly shuffled toward the door, laughing apologetically. “Ahaha, no, I think I just stumbled here by mistake, but thanks. I’d best be going-“
     “Not so fast!” the receptionist caught hold of the shadow, looking it straight in the eye. “What urgent matter is making you want to leave so soon? No one stumbles into the Ideas Desk by mistake, dear.”
     “Ah, well, I have things to do-“
     “What sort of things?” The receptionist said impatiently. “They can’t be all that important if you’re skulking around the city of Inspiration.”
     “I wasn’t skulking,” said the shadow indignantly. “And this city doesn’t seem all that inspiring. Who are you and what the hell is this place?”

     “Well… perhaps skulking wasn’t the right word,” said the receptionist thoughtfully. “Maybe striding? Or sauntering? Slinking? Maybe even-“
     “That wasn’t what I was asking,” said the shadow in frustration. “Let me say it again since it seems you didn’t hear it the first time. Who are you and what is this place?”

     Suddenly a loud voice rang out, calling out in exasperation, “Originality! Are you scaring away the potential consumers again? How many times have I told you to immediately call me over when we have a new face? You’re getting ahead of yourself again!”
     The shadow goggled as an extremely tall figure walked through the door- or at least, tried to walk through the door. It hits its head on the doorframe, cursing as it came to the reception area.
     “We really need to make the doorframe taller, damn it. How is our productivity looking?”
     “We have an average productivity level of fifty five percent, about thirteen percent more than last week,” chirped the receptionist, ignoring both the disgruntled shadow and the tall figure, who winced as it gingerly probed its head.
     “That’s not nearly enough! What is taking our team so long?!”
     “Well, we haven’t been receiving many new ideas lately, mostly just teen romance and spinoffs of other ideas we’ve had in the past,” said Originality (the receptionist) brightly, reading off a clipboard. “At least Dystopia is dying down now. You have no idea how many times the team kept calling me over for that one. It was pretty insane. Why, only last week I-“
     “Will someone please tell me where I am,” the shadow bellowed. “I have been standing here for the last twenty minutes and still have no blinking clue.”
     The figure then noticed him for the first time, scrutinizing him with a gaze not unlike that of a hunter stalking its prey. “Well, well. Looks like you’ve done something right for once, Originality.” Here, he stressed the word Originality for an awkwardly long period of time, making both the shadow and the receptionist uncomfortable. “This one looks promising.”
     The figure grabbed the shadow by the hand, dragging it toward a door that read “Employees Only.”
     The shadow struggled, trying to pull away. “Wait! Where are you taking me? I don’t even know who any of you are!”
     The figure groaned. “Do I really have to do this again? Geez, how useless can my coworkers get?” The figure sighed resignedly. “I’m Explanations. The one you were talking to is Originality. She’s good natured but she can really put off people sometimes. You’re at the Ideas Desk, the heart of the city of Inspiration. We supply ideas to all the different creators in the world – the musicians, the painters, the writers, etc.” The figure sighed again. “Any more questions?”
     “Where are we going?”
     Explanations simply shrugged, throwing the door open wide, “I’ll try to let everything else speak for itself.”
The shadow’s eyes widened as it saw a stream of machines hard at work, constructing things (the shadow wasn’t sure what else to call them) of various shapes and sizes, putting them into boxes, and sending them all out to places the shadow couldn’t even begin to comprehend.
     “Where are they going?”
     “What is ‘they’?” asked Explanations quizzically.
     “The things, the boxes up there. Where are they going?”
     “Well, it all depends,” said Explanations thoughtfully. “Some go to Dreams, another city not very far from here. The Dreams Department weave ideas they receive into elaborate tapestries of different lengths and colors. Others occasionally go to Writer’s Block, where they are used to construct great big walls that seem completely impassable until someone comes up with a creative way to utilize them. Some go to Music and there they become sticky notes that are constantly rearranged to make stories. And then there’s-“
     “Stop,” said the shadow, bewildered. “I can barely keep up with what you’re saying.”
     Explanations paused, groaning, “I knew it was a bad time to drop that load of exposition… I told her it was a bad idea! I know I told her!”
     “Her?” said the shadow. “Do you mean Originality?”
     “No,” muttered Explanations, “I mean Details.”
     “Just how many employees do you have?” asked the shadow wonderingly.
     “Hm, well we have Plot, he’s the leader of the Story Department in the Ideas Facility,” said Explanations, who was clearly racking his brain in order to remember. “There’s Originality’s sister Creativity, who just started working here this summer, Grammar, who’s not much of an entertainer but is a monumental part of this establishment. Characterization, Setting, Genre, Dialogue, the twins Poetry and Prose-“
     “Can you maybe list your employees without describing them?”
     Explanations ignored the shadow, much to its annoyance, and began counting off on his fingers. The shadow could hear a couple of garbled names before Explanations growled, “There’s no time for this! We’re wasting time!”
     Before the shadow could ask what that meant, a siren began blaring deafeningly, shining bright red lights everywhere. “Code Red! Code Red! All eligible employees please come to the Personification Room immediately!”

     The shadow could just recognize the panicked voice as Originality’s before Explanations roughly grabbed the shadow and pulled him through one door, then another, then another.
     “Ow!” exclaimed the shadow. “Exactly how far are you taking me? I’m kind of tired of being dragged through all these doors.”
    “Quit whining,” barked Explanations. “We’re already here.” Before the shadow could interject, Explanations hurriedly added, “Besides, I’ve only dragged you through four doors.”
     “Only? Why were we hurrying? Why do you have so many doors? I’m not going to stand for this any – mmph!”
     Explanations covered the indignant shadow’s mouth with a gargantuan hand as he called out, “What exactly happened here?”
     An intern (whose nametag read Conflict, the shadow noted) called back, “We’ve had a chemical spill! Nothing lethal as long as it doesn’t mix with anything –“
     Just then, a huge ball of flame erupted out of the ground, sending all nearby employees flying. Explanations’ grip on the shadow tightened as a distinct humanoid figure made its way out of the blazing fire.
     Explanations belted out the foulest curse words the shadow had ever heard.
     “That’s no way to treat an old friend,” purred a new voice the shadow couldn’t identify. “I think it’s about time an antagonist arrived.”
     Explanations cursed some more, then abruptly dropped the shadow and charged directly at the smug figure. “You! You have no place here!” Explanations roared as the figure dodged all of his attacks.
     “Why, that’s a bit rude,” the figure remarked, shaking his head disapprovingly. “I’ve always been here. I’m just here to claim what’s mine.”
     “Go to hell!”
     The shadow gaped, watching the two hulking figures brawl it out in a complete free-for-all before crying out, “Who are you? Why do eventful things only happen when I’m around?”
     “So this is the protagonist,” murmured the mystery figure. “This is my rival I’m destined to defeat. Interesting.”
He kicked Explanations into the fire (that was magically, still burning) before walking over to the shadow, his smug grin growing wider and wider. “Do you know where you are?”
     The shadow, at this point, was completely fed up. It was tired of being ignored, being dragged around. It clenched its hand into a fist and rose to strike the figure, screaming, “Answer my question!”
     The figure, of course, easily dodged the shadow’s blow, sending the shadow barreling headfirst into a wall. Boxes rained down on the befuddled shadow, but it still managed to stand. “You still haven’t answered my question, you know.”
     “Shut up!” the figure snapped. “I was just going to get to that if you would just please let me finish my victory monologue!” Putting his hand on the shadow’s head and roughly pushing it into a sitting position, the figure conjured a rope and began tying the shadow’s hands and feet together, admiring its handiwork.
     “That’s much better. Now, where was I? Ah yes – you are in a story – a story written by a person who just happens to need Inspiration. That is why I, the great and powerful Discouragement, is here!”
     “I still don’t understand. What does being Discouragement have anything to do with trying to destroy the Ideas Desk? Well, besides wanting to be the antagonist, I mean.”
     Discouragement looked at the shadow with a strange look before saying, “I don’t think you understand the monumentality of the situation at hand, but no matter. I’ll answer your silly questions.” He smirked before continuing, “It’s simple really. I’m here to give everyone a little dose of something called Doubt.” He took out a glass vial of something that looked like nothing more than extremely fine white sand and held it in front of Explanations, just beyond his reach.
     “Now, Explanations. I know how much you like to explain things, so can you tell me what this is?”
     Explanations stiffened, his eyes widening in horror. “You monster! Put that thing away! You have no idea how much power that thing wields! You mustn’t-“
     “On the contrary, my dear Explanations. I know exactly how much power this vial wields, and I don’t intend to waste it.” Discouragement let the vial fall on the ground, and the shadow watched as the contents of the vial spread rapidly across the floor.
     The shadow could see now that what had been in the vial was clearly not sand. Whatever it touched, it destroyed, leaving acrid fumes everywhere in its wake.
     The shadow felt dizzy. It could dimly see Discouragement giving a mock salute as he disappeared in smoke, going to who knows where.
     At least the fire’s out, thought the shadow drowsily. The shadow tried to look for Explanations, but couldn’t find him. His head was pounding as if it’d explode, and he could swear he heard voices, whispering…
    The shadow suddenly sat up with a bolt, gasping for air. He could hear the voices clearer now, the voices tinged with unrelenting judgment: “Lack of talent, no potential, waste of time, half-baked ideas, little to no character development, boring, typical setting…”
     The shadow covered his ears but the voices only got louder, mocking now: “No likable qualities, useless, cowardly…”
     The shadow began to run blindly, searching for something, anything. He ran through the building, but all the employees were gone; he was alone now. He realized the building had gone dark, just like the rest of the city of Inspiration.
     He panicked, running outside. No, no, no! He could only watch helplessly, as the Ideas Desk slowly flickered, then faded away entirely, like a mirage, it had become something nonexistent.
    He dropped to his knees, stunned. This couldn’t have just happened. No, this didn’t just happen.

     “No,” the shadow said softly, an emotion he didn’t recognize burning in his stomach. “No! I refuse to believe it!” 
     He dug madly at the ground with his bare hands where the Ideas Desk had once stood, kicking up dust and dry packed dirt everywhere. He didn’t care that he was getting dirty, that he wasn’t getting anywhere. He couldn’t care less about that. He had to find Explanations and the others!
     “There’s no use digging there, you know,” said a tired voice.
     The shadow whirled around to see a single, solitary figure in front of him, smiling with something that looked like pity. “It’s gone. All of it’s gone. Inspiration, Originality, Dreams… Without ideas, no one has anywhere to go.” The figure laughed humorlessly. “Since you look lost, I’ll tell you plainly that there’s no point in staying here any longer. Everyone else has already left. Come on, the last train to Reality is leaving soon.” The person reached out a hand (more out of sympathy than anything else), but the shadow hesitated.
     “Are Originality and the other employees there? Where are they? Did they get out safely? Tell me!” The shadow tugged at the person’s shirt desperately, accidentally ripping her sleeve in the process.
     “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to,” the shadow stuttered, mortified.
     The girl looked like she had just seen all her family members die in front of her, but she shook her head. “I’m not upset about that. It’s just-“ She turned around, her shoulders shaking. “It was so silly of me to think that this was going to be easy…”
     “Well, what is it?” asked the shadow. “Did they get out safe? Are they alive and well?”
     “They’re dead,” said the girl, with a disheartened expression. “Originality and all the others were part of the Ideas Desk. Now that the Ideas Desk is gone, so are they.” She put her head down and began trudging away. “I’m sorry.”
     The shadow looked at her incredulously. “That’s it?”
     “What?” The girl turned around and gave the shadow a bemused expression. “I just told you-“
     “No,” the shadow said with conviction. “No. You’re telling me that all this has happened, and everyone’s just giving up? There has to be something that can be done. There always is.”
     The shadow expected her to glare, or look scornful, or begin laughing at him, but instead, she looked thoughtful.
     “I knew I chose a good protagonist.”
     “What?”
     “Ah, nothing,” the girl began fidgeting with her hair, flustered. “It’s nothing. But I do think I have something for you.”
     She handed him a fountain pen, an antique one that looked like it belonged in a museum. While the shadow had no idea what it was for, he could feel a certain feeling of considerable weight, a feeling of importance, responsibility from it.
     “What is this for?”
     “It’s a pen. You write with it,” said the girl, matter of factly.
     “I know that,” said the shadow in exasperation. “But how can this possibly help me?”
     “Well,” the girl said, “This may look like a simple tool, but it’s actually something quite powerful. It’s something that can create people, places, whole worlds.”
     She pressed it firmly into the shadow’s palm, looking at him with eyes that somehow felt familiar; eyes that made him feel like he had known her his entire life. “Now it’s yours to use as you choose.”
     The girl began walking away again but the shadow ran up to her, panting. “So you’re asking me to create?”
     She nodded solemnly.
     “But why a pen, of all things? And why me?”
     “It’s a little cliché, but I’ve always been partial to the saying ‘The pen is mightier than the sword,’” said the girl, flushing a bit. “And I know you can do great things with that pen. I know you can.”
     The girl checked her watch and sighed. “I’m already running short on time. I’ll have to get going now.”
     She turned around, once again, to walk away, but the shadow called out, “Wait! I don’t even know your name!”
     She turned her head and shouted, “You can just call me The Writer!” She turned and ran, but as a last thought, she cried out, “Goodbye Curiosity! It was great knowing you while it lasted!”
     The newly dubbed Curiosity could only watch as even the figure of The Writer disappeared, leaving only clouds of dust and a faint memory of important things said and even more important things left unsaid, left for him to figure out.
     Curiosity gripped the pen and turned back to where the Ideas Desk once stood, suddenly noticing bare walls that he hadn’t seen before.
     He looked at the blank walls for a while before beginning to write: “A shadow walked along the crumbling ruins of the empty city, not really sure where it was headed…”

    Curiosity uses the pen The Writer gave him to account all his experiences. Though it takes a long time, eventually the city of Inspiration is brought to its former glory, and Curiosity builds himself a new Ideas Desk.
     He survives on his own ideas for a while, but he knows it’s impossible to make enough ideas for everyone on his own, so he put a “Help Wanted” sign on the (now larger) door.
     The next day, he is met by all the faces of the old Ideas Desk, but they do not recall anything that has happened. He gladly welcomes them in, and allows them to take back their old positions.
     Though Curiosity is satisfied with everything the way it is, he begins to feel restless. Originality asks him what’s wrong. He replies, “Everything has been settled here, but there’s still other places that lack Inspiration. I can just feel it.”
     Originality looks at him knowingly, and tells him that his adventure is not over. The next day, Curiosity packs and leaves the Ideas Desk, entrusting it in Explanations’ hands while he is gone.
     Curiosity has yet to find a permanent residence anywhere. He goes everywhere that lacks Inspiration, encouraging creators to continue creating, and fights Discouragement wherever he appears.
     The Ideas Desk is still holding strong. If you go there now, Originality always smiles and points at the two most important words that Curiosity wrote on the walls of the old Ideas Desk: What if?

The author's comments:

If you kept up with the story, most of this information you already know. However! There are several tidbits of new information, so you should definitely check this out!

Inspiration: An abandoned, desolate city in the beginning, it is the home of the Ideas Desk and all those working there. In the hands of Curiosity, it is restored to its former glory, becoming the home place for good ideas once more.


Dreams: Another city, not that far from Inspiration. It gets exported ideas from the Ideas Desk, and weaves them into tapestries of different lengths and colors. It specializes in good dreams, odd dreams, déjà vu dreams, and the occasional nightmare.


Writer’s Block: Writer’s Block is an odd little area that wanders from place to place. The occasional idea gets exported here to construct great big walls that are impossible to pass under or over. The walls are only broken down when someone manages to find a creative way to pass through and use the ideas that the walls are made of.


Music: A city that receives ideas to create note blocks that are constantly rearranged to make stories. Home of punk, classical, rock, pop, reggae, dubstep, EDM, and everything in between.


Curiosity: The initially reluctant protagonist of our story. Referred to as “the shadow” through the majority of the story, Curiosity wields the power of the pen to create new worlds and restore others. He becomes a wanderer who encourages others, and fights off Discouragement when he is needed.


Originality: The peppy receptionist of the Ideas Desk, she is often mistaken for her sister Creativity. She is good natured, but can put off people sometimes. Though she annoys Explanations to no end, he begrudgingly admits that the Ideas Desk just wouldn’t be the same without her.


Explanations: Described simply as a tall figure, Explanations loves planning, and becomes agitated when he is forced to abandon his plans. He is responsible for all the exposition in a story, and has a long spat with Discouragement, whom he is extremely distrustful of.


Discouragement: The antagonist of the story. Discouragement was one of the first residents of the city of Inspiration and would often harass the townspeople with his vials of Doubt. He was thrown out of the city by the Ideas Desk, which was losing potential consumers due to Discouragement’s antics. Discouragement is very flamboyant and melodramatic and loves making long monologues and flashy entrances.


Other characters: Conflict, Plot, Creativity, Details, Poetry, Prose, Dialogue, Setting, Word Choice, Climax, Genre, Characterization, Grammar, etc.



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This book has 10 comments.


Sparaxis GOLD said...
on May. 3 2017 at 8:15 pm
Sparaxis GOLD, Saint Marys, Georgia
13 articles 1 photo 307 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you keep on picking on me, I'll mess up again. This time, on PURPOSE."

I especially like that you put endnotes at the end. That's what I've done with some of my work.

Sparaxis GOLD said...
on May. 2 2017 at 3:43 pm
Sparaxis GOLD, Saint Marys, Georgia
13 articles 1 photo 307 comments

Favorite Quote:
"If you keep on picking on me, I'll mess up again. This time, on PURPOSE."

Looks like I finally know who's been stopping me from turning my ideas into work.

on Apr. 6 2017 at 2:33 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

Plot & Overall: I love the concept of this story! As a writer, I find it especially entertaining and relatable. There’s nothing I would say to change, plotwise. Stylistically, just remember to only use adverbs if they make something clear that the context does not; otherwise they just take up space and are distracting. Sorry if I messed up any of the line numbers. I tried to count carefully, but mistakes happen. Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. If you have any questions about my feedback (I realize I didn’t fully explain all of the changes I recommended), feel free to let me know.

on Apr. 6 2017 at 2:33 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

Chapter 5: Line 4: Replace “on his own” with “by himself” to avoid repetition of “own”. Line 8: Replace “there’s” with “there are”. Line 11: Replace “it in Explanations’ hands” to “to Explanation” Line 15: Put quotation marks around “What if?” I think you should change all of this chapter except for the last two paragraphs to past tense, since it is describing things that have already happened. The last two paragraphs are good in present tense because they are happening currently.

on Apr. 6 2017 at 2:32 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

Chapter 4:Words to cut: “up” (line 3) “solitary” (line 7) “accidentally” (line 13) “in the process” (line 13) “with conviction” (line 24) “matter of factly” (line 36) “in exasperation” (line 37) “even” (line 53) “really” (line 59)//// Line 4: Add a comma between “dry” and “packed”. Line 13: Move “desperately” to after “tugged”. Line 33-34: “…he could feel a certain feeling of considerable weight, a feeling of importance, responsibility from it.” could be more clearly worded as “it had a feeling of considerable weight, a feeling of importance and responsibility”.

on Apr. 6 2017 at 2:32 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

Chapter 3: Words to cut: “roughly” (line 1) “hurriedly” (line 6) “Just then” (line 13) “distinct” (line 14) “abruptly” (line 18) //// Line 1: Replace “could just recognize” with “had just recognized”. Line 2: Here you refer to the shadow as “him”, while before you have only referred to the shadow as “it”. Line 27: Remove “(that was magically, still burning)”. It not necessary to explain why the fire is still burning. Line 27: Paragraph indent. Line 33: Remove at least one of the “just”s Line 37: Replace “is here” with “am here” Line 40: To avoid the repetition of “look”, this line could be reworded as “Discouragement gave the shadow a strange look before saying,” Line 42: Replace the comma after “continuing” with a period. Line 42: Add a comma after “simple”. Line 50: Remove “of the vial”. Line 55: “At least the fire’s out” should be in italics because it is a transcribed thought. Line 56: Here you use “his” to describe the shadow again. It doesn’t matter if you pick “he” or “it”, but you have to stay consistent with whichever one you pick. (I personally liked the ambiguity of “it”.) Line 57: Remove “with a bolt”. Line 66: Replace the comma after “mirage” with a period and capitalize “it”. Line 67: Remove both “just”s.

on Apr. 6 2017 at 2:31 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

Chapter 2: Words to cut: “then” (line 17) “awkwardly” (line 19) “resignedly” (line 25) “thoughtfully” (line 37) “wonderingly” (line 47)//// Line 1: to avoid repetition and unneeded words, this could be rearranged as “A loud and exasperated voice rang out:” Line 5: replace “came to” with “entered”. Line 7: insert a hyphen in “fifty-five” Line 21: Place the period after “Only” outside of the quotation marks. Line 25: Add a hyphen in “good-natured”. Line 35: Remove “asked Explanations quizzically”. Line 38: “weave” should be replaced with “weaves” because the Dreams Department is one entity, and thus is singular. Line 50: Replace the comma between “summer” and “Grammar” with a period. Line 57: Replacing “come to” with “report to” would sound more realistic and professional.

on Apr. 6 2017 at 2:30 pm
addictwithapen PLATINUM, Norfolk, Virginia
21 articles 14 photos 163 comments

Favorite Quote:
"I'm at it again as an addict with a pen." - twenty one pilots, addict with a pen

Chapter 1: When writing, your goal should be to remove all unnecessary words. This allows the words that are important to receive more attention and makes your prose more polished and effective. Read each line and ask yourself “Are there any words I could remove without changing the meaning?” Common words that can be removed are “that” and adverbs such as “really”, “rather”, and “very”. Anything that ends in an “ly” is suspect. Words to cut: “really” (line 1) “So” (line 9) “rather” (line 11) “completely” (line 16) “that” (line 18) “awkwardly” (line 23) (the context makes it clear that the shadow was awkward) “impatiently” (line 28) (context suggests the receptionist was impatient.)//// In line 1, you use the word “it” to describe the shadow, but the first “it” in line 2 seems to be referring to “where [the shadow] is headed”. To avoid confusion, replace the first “it” in line 2 with “the destination”. In line 3, you mention “crowded apartment buildings”. But throughout the chapter you say that the city was empty. For this reason I assume you mean that the apartment buildings were crowded together, not crowded with people. To make this clearer, you might say “apartment buildings crowded together”. In line 5 you have a misplaced modifier. Due to the structure of the sentence, it reads like you are saying the shadow was covered in dust. Unless this is what you meant, you should rearrange the sentence to say “Everything was falling into disrepair, covered in dust from a bygone time:” In line 6, replace “built” with “constructed” to avoid repetition, since you’ve used the word “buildings” twice in that sentence. In line 7, add a comma between “dry” and “cracked”. In lines 7, 20, 24, 27, and 33 you have used a hyphen (-) in place of what should be an em dash. The hyphen is only used within hyphenated words. The em dash is used when dialogue is cut off or when separating sentence parts. It looks like this — and can be obtained by pressing the ALT key and then 0151 if you’re on Windows. If not, you can easily look up the keystrokes for whatever your system is. Line 12 can be reworded to replace “an empty and rather boring waiting room” with “an empty, boring waiting room” to improve flow and avoid “rather”. In line 18, “seemed to share in common” reads more smoothly as “shared in common”. In line 27, “the” in “the receptionist said” should be lowercase. In line 31, “said the receptionist thoughtfully” could be replaced with “the receptionist mused” to avoid using an adverb. Try to take out as many adverbs as you can, as they get repetitive quickly and often repeat information that can be drawn from the context.

on Aug. 19 2016 at 7:51 pm
Chrissiana1320 BRONZE, Hypoluxo, Florida
3 articles 0 photos 48 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;It isn&#039;t what you can do with your strength, but how you chose to use.&quot;<br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> <br /> -By me, I think.

I loved this the 1st chapter sucked me in. I see so much in your character. It is definitely original! Cant wait to read more.

on Aug. 18 2016 at 9:30 pm
CNBono17 SILVER, Rural, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 248 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lego ergo sum (Latin&mdash;I read, therefore, I am)<br /> The pen is mightier than the sword&mdash;unknown<br /> Don&#039;t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity&mdash;1 Timothy 4:12

Once again, you prove yourself a master of Creativity. How true is this story. It has a very Pilgrim's Progress feel with the names of the characters, and its refreshing to see this kind of Originality showing up in a story ;) Well done and keep it up!