To Be Thin | Teen Ink

To Be Thin

April 20, 2015
By smedleigh, Shelby, Ohio
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smedleigh, Shelby, Ohio
0 articles 1 photo 2 comments

Author's note:

     I don't think that many people truly understand eating disorders, and how hard it is for a person living with one. I myself have recovered from my eating disorders, and would just like to spread awareness for people who are still struggling.

     Camila winced in pain as the knife was drawn across her forearm. She opened her eyes slightly, daring a peek at the new slice she had acquired. The blood trickled out like a calm stream at first, then the flow became a section of rapids. This one would need stitches. The first time hadn’t been so bad, but of course they never cut deep on your first time. It was more of a warning than anything. Now that Camila had ignored her warning, she was paying the full price. She had already been forced to throw up all of her binge, but that was not as bad as this, or what was to come. Mia sat across the blinding white table from her, wiping off the blade. The whole room was blinding, almost like a dream. Bright lights bounced off of the snow white walls and floor right at her. She looked down to see a puddle forming on the table under her arm, her white gown sleeve soaked. She grabbed her arm, pulling her skin together to stop the bleeding. If she didn’t, she would pass out soon, already becoming light headed.
“ I suppose now would be a good time to get a nurse to stitch that up. Or do you need more time to think about what you’ve done?” Mia said this in a cold tone, never lifting her eyes off the blade in her hands.
     Camila shuddered as she looked from her injured arm to Mia. Just Mia’s mere appearance frightened her. Her dark hair black as night, and eyes such a razor blue Camila felt as if they would cut her just by taking a glance at her. Of course, this wouldn’t be much different from what Mia had already done... She was strikingly pale, every vain a blue river across her fragile body. She was so thin she looked as if she would break at the slightest collision, yet was so strong and powerful, shooting fear through Camila’s body with the slightest glance.
     Camila fidgeted slightly, daring to make eye contact with Mia. “ I understand my wrong doing....it will not happen again.” She managed the words past her fear stricken lips, barely even audible.
     Camila knew the punishment process well enough, but hadn’t ever experienced it at full blast. Last time it had been a simple warning, each step being mild. She dreaded what was to come. The nurse would come to stitch you up, wrap your arm and give you meds. Then she would be led to a huge gym with every exercise device you could ever imagine. Mia would push her to her limits until she was to the point of collapsing. Then she would rest for a miniscule moment before starting again, making sure she burned off every last calorie she had consumed in the binge. This was not even the worst part……

     * * *
     Camila’s heart pounded against her chest, feeling like a stampede of horses running across a cold tundra. Her chest ached, and her lungs gasping for breath felt that they would explode at any given moment. The dry air made her throat feel like it was on fire. Every muscle straining to take another step, feeling like rubber. She zoned out all of her surroundings. She focused solely on the sound of her footsteps pounding on the treadmill. Her mind came back to reality when a shock of electricity shot through her.
    “Go faster! What? Do you think that this is just going to come easy? Do you think that you deserve some sort of pity? Camila, you are nothing special! You are nothing at all! You are a failure! So weak you are! You are such a waste of space! Go faster and maybe you will lose the weight you gained, and at least be wasting less space!” Mia shot these words at Camila, and they hurt…even more so than the taser Mia had used on her. It felt like she had been stabbed in the gut. Her eyes welled with tears, but she couldn’t cry. She couldn’t show her sadness, she was already weak enough.
     At this moment, Mia turned the dial on the treadmill, forcing Camila into a dead sprint. She accelerated, but she couldn’t keep at this pace for long. Her legs burned, she felt as if she was hyperventilating. She just couldn’t get the air in fast enough. Her vision began to blur, and Camila began to fall, the world going black.

     When Camila awoke her body ached beyond compare. She pushed herself up into a sitting position on the cold hard floor, her muscles screaming in the process. Her movement triggered the motion sensored lights to come on, and for a moment she was blinded. When her vision returned, her eyes moved to observe the bandage on her arm. Thats when it all came back to her. She was here because she had failed...She had eaten. She hadn’t stuck to her diet, which was one of the most important rules here in the city. 
     Here in the city, it was divided up into sections where people would live based on their BMI. The center of the city was called “Pro Center”. Only because thats where the pros lived. This was for the strongest people, those who had the best self control and had a BMI of anywhere between 0 and 12. The next ring of the city was referred to as Skinnyville. This was for those who had a BMI of 12-14. The next ring was called “The Norm”, and those who lived here had a BMI of 14-17. Camila lived in the next ring….Fattytown...Her BMI was 18, and this town was for anything higher than 17, for the fatties. She had been trying to get low enough to move to The Norm, but she still had weight to drop. Her binge hadn’t helped either, because now she had been moved to the Mia Outskirts of the city for her punishment. 
     Camila stood, and regained her balance that she lost in the headrush. The room was like none other she had been in before. Every wall was nothing but a giant mirror, even the floor and ceiling. Any way she turned to escape the view of her own disgusting fat body failed, for there was no escaping that. “NO!” She sobbed, falling down, and landing with a loud “THUD”. The pain ricocheted through her bones, but no pain would ever amount to how she felt when she looked at herself in the mirror. Camila rose her head up, looking into her own blue grey eyes now. Her long, blonde hair was a tangled mess from the dreadful night. Her chubby, tear stained face staring back at her in disgust. “Why are you such a failure?”, she screamed as she punched the ground mirror, wishing the image would disappear. She crawled over to the wall. How could someone be so fat? She sobbed uncontrollably, for there was nobody she hated as much as herself, and there never would be. Her fists began to bleed as she hit her own reflection. The pain shooting up her arm as the bones in her right hand snapped, but Camila kept going. She fought until all energy was gone and her mind became numb. Her hand throbbed, but it didn’t matter. The nurse would fix it it before she was shipped back into Fattytown. Laying back down onto the mirrored floor, Camila made a promise to herself. She could not stay like this any longer, she just wanted to disappear. Disappear she would, at least for the most part. Camila would become thin. She would become a pro.

     Camila stepped on the scale, Ana at her side. She was weighing in to be accepted into Skinnyville. Ana stood by, calculating her BMI, which would have to be lower than 14 for her to be accepted. With a height of 5’8”, her weight would have to be 92 lbs or less. Camila stood nervously waiting for Ana to spit out the results. Her heart felt like she was running a marathon, and the butterflies  amid her stomach were flying faster every second. She prayed silently that she had made it. She had been working so hard ever since the dreadful experience she had encountered in the Mia outskirts. She just wanted success, to be perfect. It wasn’t just the satisfaction of not hating yourself that she was after. She wanted to be known. The closer you got to Pro Center, the more famous you were. People just liked you more when you were thin, and you were remembered. Nobody would remember a fatty. Her followers on the city weight site had already doubled. The thinner you were, the more people wanted to be like you, and Camila already had a large group of fatties and norms asking her how she did it. She responded with good advice, but saved her best tips and tricks until she became a Pro.
     “91 lbs.” Ana said in a bubbly voice.
     “Huh?”, Camila asked, Ana’s statement ripping her from her thoughts.
     “You just weighed in at 91 lbs. That gives you a BMI of 13.8. Good job! You will be transferred into Skinnyville whenever you are ready. Keep up the good work!” Ana said this with a gleam in her soft, beautiful hazel colored eyes. Her smile radiated with approval, every tooth perfectly straight. Of course, what wasn’t perfect about Ana? She was the most perfect person Camila knew. Ana was genuinly proud of her, and she felt better than she ever had before. Never again would Camila go back to being a fatty. Not even a Norm would cut it now. She HAD to lose more weight. Camila stood there fantasizing the day she would become a Pro and everyone would look up to her. She would be famous, and with only one scar to show her Mia Outskirts experience, she would have some of the best self control of them all.
     That’s how it was here, your scars showed a story. Every time you had to visit the Mia outskirts, they would cut you. Only once each time, but deep. This way, you would never forget. Not even if you wanted to, for every time you took a glance at your scars a dreadful memory would return to you. This was supposed to help toss your binge craving. Whenever Camila got a craving to eat something that was not on her diet plan, she would just look at her scar. She never wanted to go through that again. Some people never escaped it though. They would spend their whole lives out in the Mia Outskirts, scars covering every inch of their bodies. Some got tattoos to cover it up, but they were still visible. It just became so habitual for these people that they couldn’t stop. They just spent their lives in a never ending cycle of binging and purging.Camila shook the nasty thought from her mind. NEVER would she become a Mia.
     Ana took Camila into an office. The walls, of all colors were yellow. Quite a happy room it was, and it brightened her mood just being inside of it.
     “Alright”, Ana grabbed a binder with the words ‘To Become a Pro” written on the cover. She turned back to Camila, handing over the binder. “Here is your new diet plan. I know how tough it’s going to be for you, it is very restrictive. This plan covers seven days, and once you reach the end, you start over at day one. Stick to this plan and you will become a Pro in no time.” Ana’s smile beamed like the rising sun, and it made Camila proud. Camila opened the binder and flipped through the pages. Each day had a different amount of calories, from 0 (these were fasting days) to  200. Each page had suggestions for meals, but you were free to choose your foods, just as long as they didn’t exceed the calorie limit.There were also exercise plans for each day, making sure that twice the calories you ate would be burned, ensuring weight loss. Then she reached the page of rules...never before had her plans contained rules. I guess this is what it takes to become a Pro, she thought to herself.

  Rules
-Stick to your meal plan. Go one calorie over and you will be sent straight to the Mia Outskirts.
-Exercise at least twice the calories you take in.
-No binging.
-No purging.
-No liquid calories.
-You can have less than the meal plan suggests, but never more.
Nothing with half the calories coming from fat.
-No trans fats.
-No added sugar.

Camila finished reading it over and noticed Ana still staring at her.
     “ I believe that you can do this. You are a strong one Camila. Make me proud.” Ana said this in a tone that both encouraged and scared Camila at the same time. At this time she was shooed out the door and into the new Skinnyville. A whole new world awaited her. Camila picked up her things and headed to her new home where her belongings from The Norm were being shipped to. Her new house was a mile away, but she decided to walk rather than get a cab. She thought of it as getting a head start on her weight loss, burning a few extra calories.

     When she got there 20 minutes later, she fumbled with the key to unlock the intricately designed door. It swung open and she stepped inside, breathing in the sweet, crisp air. It was a homey place, a big fireplace in the living room. Big soft couches and fluffy carpet. She dropped her things onto the floor and flopped onto the couch, sinking into the huge cushions. It was such a cozy place, but she wouldn’t let it get to her. She just simply couldn’t. Camila mumbled to herself, “Don’t get too comfortable here, you’re not going to be here for long.”, and with that she decided to turn in for the night. Tomorrow was a whole new day, a whole new start. This was the closest she had ever been to her dream, and she was going to achieve it. Failure was not an option, she would never look back.

The author's comments:

     This story is a reflection of life with an eating disorder. This dystopian city serves as the mind that one has when experiencing bulimia, anorexia or any other eating disorder. The characters Mia and Ana are short for bulimia (Mia) and anorexia (Ana). The Mia outskirts represents the feelings that one has when they are trying to diet, but fail and end up binging. Hence the purge and intense self hatred for being fat,and yes, the self harm.

     Today was weigh in day. Today was the day that Camila would find if she was a  Pro or not. Today Camila would either fail or win. She shook with nervousness as she walked through the doors to Ana’s office. It had been 3 weeks since her last weigh-in, and acceptance into Skinnyville, and today she was hoping to become a Pro. Camila hadn’t eaten for 7 days, and had hoped that this would accelerate her weight loss. Mugs upon mugs of coffee were the only things keeping her awake. She struggled to just walk down the hallway, having to stop 3 times just to avoid passing out. Her and Ana finally made it to the office, seeming to take an eternity.
     “Alright, well you can step on whenever you’re ready”, said Ana in a sweet, almost concerned voice. Camila stood, staring at the scale. Her best friend, but also her enemy. Her heart fluttered, and she placed her hand against the wall to steady her swaying body. The room blurred, and she had to gasp a few breaths to steady her heartbeat. Finally she managed to step onto the scale. Ana scribbled out calculations in her notebook and paused, looking Camila over. She had become so thin. Her skin so pale that one could mistake her for a ghost. Her legs were like those of a flamingo, every step she took seemed like they would snap out from under her. Every single rib and vertebrae visible to the world. Camila was so thin it was painful just to look at her. The most astonishing part though, was her face. Her cheeks sunken, her lips thin and pale, eyes dark and disappearing into her skull. Her hair that was once long and thick was now thin and brittle. The life appeared to be sucked right out of her.
     “You are 75 pounds Camila, which gives you a BMI of 11.4. You know what that means. You made it. You are a Pro. Your new home in Pro Center awaits you now. I also have you some clothes here, since the ones you wore in here are falling off of you.” Ana Smiled her brilliant smile, and Camila cheered inside. Finally she had made it! This was her lifelong dream!
     She stepped off the scale and turned to see Ana handing her a new outfit. This one would actually fit her scrawny figure. Camila changed and exited the office, everyone staring at her as she passed by with shocked expressions at her thin body. She couldn’t wait to get to Pro Center.
     The gates to Pro Center were in view, only a quarter mile away. Camila began walking. Soon her heart began to race, and her lungs began to gasp for breath again. She stopped, placing her hand on her chest and doubling over. These palpitations had been getting the best of her lately. She tried to calm the spinning world around her,but her vision just became more blurred. She tried to ignore it, and managed a few more steps toward Pro Center before her legs gave out and her frail body crashed to the ground. She heard a siren and a woman talking, but couldn’t make out her words because she was slipping away. Slipping away into a darkness that she could not stop.
     Hours later, Camila awoke. She was in a bed, in a white room. Not the kind of white as in Mia Outskirts though. She looked around, still in a daze. She was in a gown, hooked up to some machine that beeped quite annoyingly. Suddenly it all came back to her. The weigh in, the dieting, the new clothes, Ana, Mia, Skinnyville, and most of all, her success at becoming a Pro. She was in a hospital, but why? That part she couldn’t remember...she didn’t recall being in any sort of accident. Suddenly a man entered a room, interrupting her thoughts.
     “Ahh, I wondered when you were going to wake up, or if you would at all actually.” The doctor spoke to her in a calm reassuring, yet stern voice. “Camila, are you aware that you almost died? Do you know what you have done to your body? Your strict dieting regime has caused your body to consume its own muscles, even your heart, just to keep you alive. You are very lucky to have woken up.”
     “Why did this happen?”, Camila responded in confusion.
     “As I said, your strict dieting is causing your body to practically eat itself.”
     “But I have to do this! This is what we do, this is what I am supposed to do! Where am I!? Where is Ana!? I want to go back home! I want to go to Pro Center! That is all I want!” Camila was yelling now, her frustration intensifying.
     “You are in the hospital just outside of Pro Center Camila. I don’t know if it is such a good idea for you to go back just yet. You lost so much weight so fast. Your body is in huge amounts of stress. I think that the best thing for you to do right now is to gain a little bit of weight to restore your health before you go to Pro Center.”
     “ Gain weight!? Thats what you want? I can not and will not gain an ounce! I refuse! Where is Ana!? Bring her here, she understands me! I want her, not you, you fool! Get away from me, don’t touch me you fatty!” The doctor gave her a small nod before leaving the room. Camila was alone again.It was just her and the machine now, and some liquid that was entering her arm through a needle. Frustrated, Camila ripped out the IV and threw it down. “Nobody is going to make me better! I don’t want to be better, why can’t they see that!?”, she mumbled to herself. At that moment a female doctor walked in.
     “Hello Camila”, she said with concern.
     “Its about time! Can you get me out of here?”
     “Camila, you almost died...don’t you think that you should have a little rehab before you jump into the life of Pro Center?”
     “I can’t waste any time, can’t you see? I need to go home to Pro Center, and lose more weight. I can’t mess with this rehab crap, I don’t need it. I don’t need help, I’m perfectly fine. I just need to go home so that I can carry on with my life. I’m going to be famous, people will love me! I can’t stop now, I have so much more weight to lose!”
     “Camila, you have made weight for Pro Center, you don’t need to lose any more. There is no reason to. You are good enough, you have succeeded your goals.”
     “I will never be good enough, don’t you get it?”
     “Camila, you have to understand, this is your life you’re gambling with. If you carry on like this, you will die!”
     “I would rather die than be fat.”



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This book has 5 comments.


EW12342 BRONZE said...
on Jun. 14 2015 at 8:06 am
EW12342 BRONZE, Alexandria, Virginia
1 article 0 photos 4 comments
I have struggled with an eating disorder (In fact, I have a book published about it- Memoir- not a very creative name) for a while and I think this book is very well written and inspiring. Great job!

smedleigh said...
on Apr. 28 2015 at 9:38 pm
smedleigh, Shelby, Ohio
0 articles 1 photo 2 comments
Why thank you!

smedleigh said...
on Apr. 28 2015 at 9:37 pm
smedleigh, Shelby, Ohio
0 articles 1 photo 2 comments
Thank you! I really hope it does.

stifler513 said...
on Apr. 28 2015 at 12:35 pm
This is a very moving story,it's been a very long time since a book has given me goosebumps way too go i look forward to your future stories

readinggirl said...
on Apr. 27 2015 at 8:33 pm
This is a very creative story, and I think it will help people have a better understanding of the psychological struggles of people with eating disorders.