I wasn’t sure how I was going to make it. Every time I was expecting to see her and she wasn’t there. She wasn’t there to tell me about her friends and what crazy stuff they did, she couldn’t tell me what things her dad did for her to hate him even more. Where were all these stories that I’m dying to hear?

Truth is, they are gone. Forever, I will never be able to hear stories like hers anymore. Who will give me a beautiful speech just to make me feel better? Who will I be able to talk to? No one will be able to fit in her shoes as good as she did.

How is my family going to react? My mom got this new boyfriend. His name is Josh. He had two children of his own. Owen and Breanna but everyone called her Bebe. She was only 10 years old. I felt really bad for her. Being 10 years old and being told that her biggest sister died. My oldest brother is named Chance. Breanna and me cried and cried the whole weekend she was there. We never came out of my room until it was time to take them home.

It was around 7 o’clock when we got home. I went to my room and sat in the darkness and cried. My mom came in there and asked me if I wanted dinner. I said, “I’m good. I’m not hungry.” “Okay.” She said. It took me a very long time to feel better a little bit to where I only cried three times a day.

I started to have random breakdowns in the middle of class. I would have to go out in the hall for half of the class period just to calm myself. My friend always helped me. I was very glad that she was my friend.

One month later I still cried twice a day and sat in the darkness everyday after school. On the weekends my mom forced me to be with the family. Of course I did not want to but like I said I was forced. It was horrible. No one would even pay me any attention and when they did they just buried me under a lot questions. They even had the nerve to ask, “What’s wrong? Why are you so upset lately?” I got so mad at them. I expected them to know that the reason I was like this is because my big sister died and I couldn’t help her. I always told her that she always had me to talk to whenever there was no one else. I guess I didn’t get my point across clear enough.

My teachers noticed I was upset but didn’t bother to ask why. People in school didn’t pay me any attention, as always, but only one person actually asked. She was best friend so I expected it.

I was still trying to get better with hiding my emotions. Although the everyday routine was still going on and my sister’s death, it felt unbearable. You’re probably wondering what is the daily routine? Well, everyday I’m called and asked if I’m emo or goth. It really annoys me how people do that but you get used to it after awhile.

Now it has been three months after her death. I still cry everyday but the good thing is that I’m better. Now I’m sort of willing be with the family although they still don’t pay me much attention.

For some reason people still ask me what’s wrong. They don’t understand. I mean they never understood my life or me. They never paid me any attention. I was used to it so I guess in a way, it was okay. I mean, I still cried everyday and it’s been six months now. You would think I would be better by now, but I’m not. Everyone wonders what’s wrong. I answer by screaming out that my sister died. Then they start to have sympathy and pity, which I hate. Now, my teachers are telling me that I don’t have to do my work if I don’t want to. Of course I want to because I don’t want the other students to think that they don’t have to and I want to keep my grades up. Although, my teachers told me they would give my full credit for work that I didn’t do. Sometimes I did take the advantage and sometimes I didn’t.

I thought that my parents would understand my pain and give me a little break. Did they? Of course not. They still made me do a lot of work and I did it. They noticed I was being slow. I also started to sleep all weekend but never on the weekdays. The next day I went to school my counselor showed up wanting to talk to me. She told me that my parents had called her to talk to me. I did not want to talk about anything. She kept telling me that it was confidential. I knew she was going to tell my parents so I did not speak. Half an hour later she told me to go back to class. Everyone wanted to why I went to the office but I didn’t say anything. People used to not pay me attention but now everyone wants to talk to me. They ask how I’ve been. How I’ve been taking my sister’s death. I never say anything.

Now it’s been a year in a half and I still cry four times a week. That night my parents wanted to talk to me about how I felt about m sister’s death. Every time a word came out of my mouth it was screamed. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was trying to get better, and then they want to talk about it? Did they hate me? Did they want me to suffer more? When they started talking about memories of her I screamed and through a tantrum. I was having a total breakdown. My parents tried to hold me down to get me to stop. It didn’t work. I screamed, punched, kicked, and broke things.

It’s been two years since my sister’s death. I’m still shaking about because her death was my fault. I could have helped her but I didn’t, I never knew that she thought about doing that to her self. She seemed so happy. I remember her telling me that after years of pretending to be happy pays off and no one notices anymore. She was right. I act like everything is okay at home and at school but really nothing is okay. She went through a lot and I know that but she could have solved her issues a different way.

Next week my brother is coming to visit again. Now that Brooke is gone we have hung out a little more than before. I used to hang out with Brooke every time they came to visit. I guess it’s a chance for me to really get to know my brother. I love him and everyone else in my family, even the ones that have passed.

My mom has gotten very ill. She is in the hospital and the doctors haven’t told us what’s wrong yet. We have been sitting in the waiting room for three hours. I’m very worried that she has some type of cancer. She has asthma and she smokes a lot. She has been coughing a lot lately. Maybe she does have cancer. If she does and she dies how will I handle that? I’m just now starting to get over Brooke who died over two years ago. If my mom dies, I won’t know what to do. They are the two most important people in my life. If she dies then all I will have left in my actual family is Chance. I have Josh and his kids but they aren’t my actual family.

My mom has been in the hospital for two months now. The doctor says she does have cancer but I can’t remember the name. He said that she doesn’t have much time left. They might have to pull the plug if she doesn’t die in the next two months. That means either way she is going to die. I’d rather her die sooner than later so she doesn’t have to go through any more pain then she is already enduring. I’m going to loose my mother, I’m not going to be able to handle that. I don’t know what to do. Who am I going to talk to? Especially with girl stuff that guys don’t understand.

I told my friends that my mother is slowly and painfully dying. They felt bad for me but the teachers showed no mercy. They gave me more work than everyone else. Did they not want me to see my mother for the last time? Everyone else at school comforted me. At home with Josh, he cooked and I cleaned around the house. My grandmother that we still unfortunately live with does nothing but sit in her room or on the couch and watch TV. She doesn’t even drive me to school anymore. I have to walk down to my bus stop because she is too lazy.

On top of Brooke’s death and still living with my grandmother, my mother is dying. It’s almost been four painful months for the family and her especially. We are in the hospital saying our last words before they pull the plug. They said it’s impressive that she has made it this far but if they don’t pull the plug now she will just suffer even more getting worse everyday. At 9:00 o’clock my mother was dead, for good, she was gone.

My brother moved away, I don’t get to see Josh because of his work, and I don’t get to see Owen and Bebe anymore because we don’t have the gas money or the time to get them. The worst thing is that my mom died. I don’t know who to talk to. One day Josh was off work and he noticed that I was depressed so he took me to the doctor to see if I get any type of medicine. The doctor said that I was psychotically depressed. He told me all the symptoms and he was right, I was psychotically depressed. I thought to myself how could life get any worse. My mother was dead and my sister was dead. The two most important people in my life were gone forever.

My dad thought that it might be a good idea for me to stay out of school for a while until I felt a little better from my mother’s death. I knew that that was going to be hard because I’m still trying to get over my sister’s death. How was I going to do this? Could I get out the way my sister did? I was alone. If I did decide to go out like my sister, no one could stop me. No one could say their last words to me. I can’t say my last words to them. No one would notice I was gone and if someone did, who would it be? How long will it take for someone to notice?