The three of us grew up in a place where the sounds of car horns, people yelling, and sirens were like a lullaby to all children. Even though the city of Southwest Washington, D.C is a crazy place to live, we do have a place where all of those noises are boxed out: the little playground located in the dead center of the city. That playground is the place we all first met. It is the place where Kris and I swore that we were going to be best friends forever. It is also where Jason confessed his feelings for me when we were both sixteen. Even though we had some very bright memories from that playground, it was also the place where our worst nightmares came true.
“Nicole, let’s play a game!” I look up from my biology textbook and into the loving, dark brown eyes of my best friend, Kris.
“What do you mean, ‘let’s play a game’? We’re supposed to be studying now,” I say to Kris.
“We’ve been studying for an hour and a half. We should take a little break.”
“Fine, but it has to be a fast one,” I reply to him. As soon as I say that, his eyes light up with joy. Kris then explains to me that he wants to do a treasure hunt. He tells me that we both will take a piece of paper and write a personal secret that we never told anyone. Then we will hide it somewhere in the city that brings back childhood memories. I agree to this reluctantly, since I’m still confused about this whole concept. He jumps off his soft, red couch to grab two pieces of paper. Once he returns, we both write down a secret, and he sticks his secret into his pocket, while I put it in my textbook.
Our relationship has always been like this. I’ve always been the negative and serious person, while Kris is the exciting, fun, and, not to mention, really comical person. My mom calls us “bad cop-good cop,” me being the bad cop of course, and Kris being the good cop. As I walk home, I try to think of the best hiding place for my secret letter. All of a sudden, it hits me! I will hide it at the little café where Jason and I had our first date. So I turn around and head towards the little café. As I arrive, I decide the best place to hide the note is in one of the couch cushions. A few minutes later, I leave the café with a small coffee in my hand. In fifteen minutes, I reach the small apartment complex I call home. I head into the elevator and press the sixth floor button.
***
I open the door, exposing my tiny apartment that I share with my mom, Carrie. I see that she hasn’t returned from work yet, so I decide to go into my room and have a little “me time” before she returns home. I drop my bag on the floor and take out my laptop and my phone. I set my phone down on my nightstand while I sit on my small twin bed, placing the laptop on my lap. I start to hear a vibrating noise. I turn to face my phone. On the screen reads, “Jason,” and once I see the name, I automatically slide the, “slide to answer” button.

“Hi Jason,” I say calmly, even though my heart is beating heavily against my rib cage.

“Hi Nicole. What are you doing?” Jason asks nervously. I always find it amusing how shy he can be around me, even though we have been dating for at least a year now.

“Nothing really, mostly playing on my laptop and talking to you,” I say back, “Do you want to come over to hang out?”

“Sure I’ll be over in a little,” Jason responds.
***

Once Jason arrives at my house, I let him in and I ask what he wants to do. He says that he’s in a lazy mood today, so we both decide to rent a movie on the television. We settle for an old 90’s movie. Halfway through the movie, I start to become weary, so I rest my head on Jason’s shoulder and wrap my arms around his stomach. He wraps one of his strong muscular arms around me, and with the other, he brushes my side bang out of my face and gently kisses my forehead. I smile with my eyes closed.

“Has Kris said anything to you recently about me in a bad way?” Jason asks out of the blue.

“No, why?” I ask, half confused. Jason stiffens up a bit and replies,

“I don’t know. I just thought that he doesn’t like me or something like that.”
I cuddle up to him and reply, “Don’t worry, Jason. Kris likes you; he just won’t admit it.” I can hear Jason let out a sigh of relief. The next thing I know, we both fall asleep in each other’s arms. I wake up to the sound of a door opening. I slowly unwrap my arms around Jason who is still fast asleep and sit up. I look up and see my mom walking in through the doors with grocery bags in her hands. I stand up and head over to her, offering my help.

After my mom and I put all of the grocery bags away, I decide that it’s time to wake Jason up and tell him to head home before it gets too dark outside. Once Jason wakes up, he says hi to my mom and heads home. My mom starts asking how my day was. I respond by saying that it was a fun day and tell her about the “treasure hunt” that Kris and I are doing. My mom agrees with me on how complex and confusing the rules are.

As I lie in bed that night, I go over all of the things I did that day. As I think about the day that just ended and predict things about what will happen tomorrow, I drift off into a deep, peaceful dream. I wake to the sound of both my alarm clock and my phone ringing. I quickly sit up in bed, finally realizing that it’s morning. I slam the snooze button and pick up my phone, rubbing my right eye with my free hand.

“Kris, why are you calling this early in the morning?” I ask sleepily. There wasn’t an answer for a couple of seconds. All I could hear was a bunch of giggling in the background. “Kris, if you don’t answer me in the next three seconds, then I’m going to hang up,” I say firmly, not amused.

“Sorry,” I hear him say, right as I’m about to hang up my phone.

“What did you want to say to me?” I ask.

“Did your mom ever find out?” he asks to me amusingly.

“What do you mean?” I ask back

“With the toothbrush. Did your mom ever find out that you dropped her toothbrush in the toilet and then put it back, pretending that nothing ever happened?” Before Kris finishes the sentence, he starts breaking out laughing again.

“You already found mine? How did you find it so fast?” I ask.

“I stopped at the café to meet with my tutor yesterday, a couple of hours after you left my house. As I arrived, I remembered that this was the place where you and Jason had your first date, so I decided to look around and I found your paper under a couch cushion. Ha! I win and you lose.” I cut him off by saying, “Shut up!” in a sharp way that manages to shut him up, thankfully.

“I have to get ready now. I’ll see you at school, Kris.” I say disappointedly.

“Ok, see you at school sleepy head,” he responds teasingly, before he hangs up the phone. Once I hang up and place my phone back on the nightstand, I decide to get ready for school.
***
I arrive at school ten minutes before assembly is supposed to start. I decide to track down my two boys, Kris and Jason. I find Kris with no problem: he is on the roof, staring at the cloudless sky, like he always does when he wants to be alone. I sneak up from behind him and shout, “Boo!” into his ear. Kris turns around and scolds me for doing that to him. All I do is laugh, which really annoys him.
Once I finish laughing, he asks me if I can meet him after school. I ask him why, but he just says that there’s something important that he needs to tell me. I reluctantly agree and then leave to continue my search for Jason.
“I wonder what he needs to tell me,” I think to myself. I wander around the school for three minutes looking for Jason, but then the bell rings, signaling all students that assembly is starting.
*After School*
I wait for Kris at the park where we always hang out together. Kris arrives six minutes later. I stand up and head over to him to give him a friendly hug and he begins to talk. I storm away from him, not believing how he could betray me like this. How could he not tell me that Jason has been cheating on me for almost three weeks?!
As I angrily walk away, I can hear Kris calling my name. Don’t turn around don’t turn around! I think to myself. Even though I am supposed to hate him, I can’t. I turn around in the middle of the street, but all I see are random people. I don’t see Kris anywhere, so I decide to turn around. When I do, some random buffoon bumps into me, causing my bag to drop out of my hands, spilling all of its contents. I get on my knees to pick up all of my things. All of a sudden I hear my name being called again. I turn my head around, still kneeling on the ground, and see Kris sprinting towards me, his hair flying back, exposing his pale forehead. I’m about to stand up to ask him why he’s acting so frantic, when I hear a loud horn. Before I can see where that horn is coming from, I hit the cold, concrete street with my head and see the bright blue sky, but then everything goes black.
The next thing I know, I’m at the local hospital, sitting in one of their semi-comfortable beds. I immediately sit up, looking around frantically. I see my mom sleeping soundly in a gray chair pulled up to my bed. I gently shake her arm, and instantly her eyes pop open.

“Mom, why am I in the hospital?” I ask her. As I say that, I can see tears forming in her eyes. “What’s wrong? Did something bad happen?” My mom shakes her head vigorously, crying out loud sobs. Now I am really alarmed. I start shaking her arms almost violently.

“Tell me what’s wrong! Is everything ok?” I scream at her.

“Kris,” my mom is able to choke out still, sobbing her eyes out. I cover my lips with my hand gasping. I stop shaking her, and sit back half horrified and half curious.

“What do you mean, ‘Kris,’ Mom,” I ask. She doesn’t answer me, so I start screaming at her, “What’s wrong with Kris?”
“He’s… he’s in a coma, Nicole,” she whimpers out. My eyes grow as wide as they can.
“How,” I choke out
“He pushed you out of the way,” she chokes out again, crying even louder. Now I’m even more curious.

“The doctors told me that they heard that there was a garbage truck speeding down the street… The witnesses said that they saw a young man who turned out to be Kris push you out of the way, but… but he wasn’t able to get out of the way.” I can feel my eyes start to burn like they’re on fire. I start shaking my head vigorously, with tears streaming down my face. She’s lying, Nicole. Don’t believe her. She’s lying to you, I thought to myself. My mom tries to pull me into a comforting hug, but I push her away.

“I want to see him,” I say, looking down at my hands, clasped together.

“I’ll check with one of the nurses to see if you can,”

“I want to see him now!” I shout back at her. I can’t help but shout at her; I have no control over my emotions. Parts of me want to scream, others want to cry my heart out, and some want to make me feel like it was my fault that Kris is in a coma.

I watch as my mom walks out of my small hospital room and into the hectic hallway. Once she shuts the door, I shift my head to the long, partially open windows exposing the beaming sun and the white altostratus clouds. Even though I can feel the warmth hitting my exposed arms, all I feel is cold. I rest my head on the white wall, still sitting in my bed. The only noise in the room is the sound of my deep breathing, and my thoughts filling my head with memories of Kris. I can feel tears start to slowly stream down my cheeks, onto my neck and then onto my shoulder. I hear a door quietly open and the sound of light footsteps. I turn my head towards the sounds to find my mother tiptoeing towards my bed. I ask her if I could visit Kris more calmly this time. She nods her heads and gives me a weak, fake smile. I can tell she’s hurting deeply inside. After all, Kris is like a son to her and she would do anything for him. A nurse walks in. She has a giant, fake smile across her face. She walks towards my bed. I ask what she’s doing.

“I need to make sure everything is stable,” she says.
***
As I walk down the hallway I hear voices and a lot of beeping, but those noises don’t matter to me. All I hear are my thoughts, still replaying all of those memories, the happy and enjoyable ones and the harsh and painful memories. They all play like an old movie to me. I arrive at Kris’s room. Even though it has taken me only three minutes to walk to the room, I feel like I’ve been walking for a lifetime. I open the door slowly to see no one but my mother and Kris in the room. My mom shifts her head to see who is at the door. She slowly stands up and walks towards me. She pats me on my shoulder and says that she'll let me have some alone time with Kris. I nod slowly with my eyes glued to the floor. As my mom passes me, I can lightly smell the scent of her floral perfume. Once she exits the room, I slowly make my way to Kris’s bed. I sit in the chair placed next to the bed and steadily reach for his right hand. I stare at his once rosy face, saddened by how pale it has become. I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. I just sit there, looking like an idiot, with my mouth partially open trying to create words, but still nothing comes out. All of a sudden the door to his room opens. I expected to see my mom walking in again, but to my surprise, I see Jason. I automatically stand up and storm over to him.
“How is he, is he doing well?” he asks.
“Get the hell out, you jackass!” I shoot back at him.
“But I just wanted to-“
I cut him off. “I said get out!”
“What have I ever done to you, Nicole?” Jason asks.
“You cheated on me, you never told me that you were taking drugs, and you made KRIS cover up all of that for you!” Jason was now furious.
“I wasn't the one who suggested that we would keep this from you! Kris was the one who didn't want to tell you ‘cause he wanted to ‘protect’ you!” I step back from him.
“What do you mean by ‘protect’ me?” I ask Jason.
“How should I know? Why don’t you ask him? Oh wait, I forgot! You practically killed him,” I slap his face really hard.
“What the hell did you just say?” I say.
“Nothing! Just forget about it!” And with that, Jason walks out of the hospital room. My face is now red with rage. How could he just come in here and yell at me like that? I think to myself. I turn back to face the motionless teenage boy.
“I’m sorry, Kris, I didn't mean for any of this to happen to any of us.” I climb onto the edge of the bed and cuddle up to Kris’s body, resting my head on his steadily breathing chest.
“Please forgive me,” I whisper to him. As time goes on, my eyes grow heavier and heavier, until they eventually stay closed.
*2 Weeks Later*

“Ah, it’s nice to be free,” I breathe out, taking in the sweet scent of spring.

“Come on now, Nicole. We have to get you home!” My mom says, walking ahead of me. I run to catch up to her. She tells me to wait on the sidewalk while she go to get the car. I nod and wave her off, smiling at her. She smiles back and waves. Once she turns the corner, I let out a loud sigh. I turn my head to face the hospital building. My eyes go directly to Kris’s room. I can see the Get Well Soon stickers that I plastered on his windows when I was allowed to visit him. The doctors said that it’s only a matter of time before he dies now. I can still remember that stupid argument I had with him. If only I hadn't made a big deal out of it, if I didn't turn around and bump into that stranger, and if I hadn't spent so much time gathering all of my things off the street, none of this would have happened. I am pulled out of my thoughts when I hear a loud car horn and the sound of my mom calling my name. I take my eyes off of the building and walk towards the car. After a few minutes of an awkward silence, I feel a hand take a hold of mine, and then I feel a gentle squeeze on my hand. I slowly take my eyes off of the boring street and stare at my mom. Her eyes are looking at me and then at the road and then back to me.

“What?” I ask, half confused.

“Kris will be ok, Nicole. You don’t have to worry.”

“Why was it him and not me who got hit by the car?” I grimly ask.

“To be honest, I really don’t know, but that’s how life works.” What type of answer is that? I think to myself. I let out another loud sigh and rest my head against the cool glass window. I watch the cars pass by, trying to keep my mind off of Kris. Once we reach our building, I slowly make my way out of the car, up the elevator, and into the small apartment.
*One Month Later*
My mom got the call a couple of days ago. Once she told me I could barely keep myself under control. Whenever my mom tried to calm me down, I would always end up screaming at her and shutting my bedroom door in her face. Even though it has been three days since we got the call from the doctors saying that Kris had died over night, it feels like it only happened yesterday. My life has been totally turned upside down. We were best friends since we were five. I was there for him when both of his parents died in a tragic car accident, and he was there for me when my mom and dad had a horrible fight, resulting in my father leaving my house and never returning. Now I have no one to be there for me during the most fatal moment in my life. I found out last week that Jason has moved to Washington state because his mother had found a new job over there. I really didn't care about that when I first found out, but now that I really think about I really miss him, even though he was a cheating drug addict. Even though he had cheated on me, he was the best boyfriend I ever had. He always made funny jokes when we were on dates and always made me smile. I guess you could say that Jason was like another Kris, but in the boyfriend zone instead of in the best friend zone.
A couple of weeks later we all attended Kris’s funeral. Even Jason flew back to D.C to attend the funeral. Jason and I made up at the funeral, and we both apologized to each other. We also agreed to remain friends. Even though it was a funeral, everyone was as happy as they could be because that’s how Kris would have wanted it to be: everyone partying like it was the end of the world, everyone laughing with one another, and most of all, no one crying. Everyone had already cried their eyes out during the ceremony and the burial. As the funeral ended and everyone left, I decided to take a walk down memory road to the place where Kris and I first met.
***
As I walk down the concrete path, passing various slides and swing sets, all of my memories of Kris and I go into play. Wherever I turn, I can see us playing games like tag and hide-and-seek together. Suddenly, I am faced with the exact same tire swing that Kris and I had first met. I remember this memory like it had just happened seconds ago: he was sitting on the tire swing crying like a three-year-old. I walked up to him nervously, because he was the first kid that I saw, by himself, crying. I climbed onto the tire swing slowly looking at his tear stained red face. I remember then comforting him, saying that everything would be all right. He sat there staring at me half confused and half grateful still crying for what seemed like two hours. Once he had stopped crying, he explained to me why he was crying (it was because his parents died in the car crash). To help cheer him up, I went up to my mom, who was sitting on a bench a couple of feet away watching us both and asked if Kris could spend the night with us. She reluctantly agreed to it, and ever since then, we were inseparable. It was the happiest time of my life because it was my very first time hosting a sleep over, and also, I had made my very first best friend for life.
I can’t help but smile to myself. I don’t know why I’m smiling because all I feel inside is sadness. Then something catches my eye. I look up above me, and hanging there by a piece of dirty white string is a laminated piece of folded paper with some bird poop stains, addressed to me. I reach towards the paper and untie the bow, holding the letter to the string and I open it up:
Nicole,
We have been best friends since we were both five, but now, since we are both older, my feelings for you have been growing bigger and bigger every day. I know that you are truly in love with Jason right now, but I can’t help being in love with you, even when I see you with him. Seeing you and him holding hands and acting all lovey-dovey together makes me long to have that sort of relationship with you one day. From the first day I met you, I made a promise myself that I would protect you, even if that means killing myself in the process, until the day I die. I love you, Nicole, and I always will. This is my secret for you.



-Kris.
I fall to my knees on the cool wet dirt with tears slowly streaming down my face. My eyes shift from the paper to the blue sky. I don’t know how to react to this. I try to let out a painful cry, but when I open my mouth, only air flows out of my mouth. I kneel for at least fifteen eternal minutes. I hear children laughing and screaming, but there’s no one around me. I feel like I’m starting to go crazy. Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he hide his true feelings for me? Was he scared of being rejected by his best friend? My head is spinning with questions that will never be answered. Suddenly I see a little boy in the distance. He’s sitting under a tree crying. I wipe away my salty tears and head over to the boy, but when I arrive to the tree there’s no one there. I hit my head with my fist multiple times, telling myself that I’m going crazy. After I finish punishing myself, I glance at the tree and see some carved letters in the tree. I walk closer to the tree and run my fingers over the scratched-in initials, surrounded by a heart. I walk to my house and then return to the park, but this time with a knife in my right hand. I stroll towards the tire swing. Once I reach the swing, I go over to one of the wooden posts holding the tire swing up and carve the letters NS and KW 4EVER and then draw a heart around it. I smile to myself for some unknown reason. I don’t understand why but I do. Right now in this silent moment, I feel happy for the first time in a very long time. I don’t understand why I’m happy in this painfully sad moment but I am and I can’t control it.
*Two Months Later*
It’s 3:00am right now, but I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking about you. It’s like the memories I have of you are replaying over and over again, but I don’t have the remote to stop them from playing. I decide that I want to visit you right now. I sneak out of my room, using the window and then climbing down the fire escape. I walk down the busy dark streets, determined to reach my destination. I arrive there after about thirty minutes. I walk through the closed gates and to your new home that I have now memorized. In my warm hand is a letter to you and in the other is a flashlight, so I can make sure that I am at the right place. I can somewhat see you from a distance using my flashlight. I walk over to you steadily. I look down at the letters reading: Kris White, an honorable student and family member, a friend whom you couldn’t live without, and a best friend who will never ever leave your side, even if it means being with you in spirit.
“How have you been?” I whimper, holding back tears that threaten my eyes. “I miss you a lot, you know. What’s it like in Heaven, Kris?” I ask him. Of course there’s no answer to my questions, but I don’t really care anymore. I continue to tell the gravestone, marking the place where Kris’s dead body lies, about school and how much we all miss him. I soon can’t hold in my feelings anymore and the tears start flowing down my face. I try to control them, but all that happens is that I start sobbing even louder. I let out little screams at him, asking why he would leave me like this, and how come he never told me about his true feelings to me. After eleven minutes of crying, I start to get control over my feeling again, and so I decide to place my letter on the grave and start to walk back home.
Once I reach home and settle into my bed, I glance at my clock which now reads 5:30 in the morning. I shut my eyes and continue to think about you, but I also start thinking about the letter that I wrote to you that you will never get to hold with your warm, soft, milky white hands, read with your deep, dark brown eyes, or silently repeat with your pink, soft lips. The words from the letter repeat themselves in my head just like the memories of us do.

Dear Kris,
How are you? I know this letter is a bit over due, but I want to talk to you. Even though I have always viewed you as my best friend in the whole entire universe I want to say that I love you. I don’t mean as my best friend or as a brother, but as someone that I wouldn’t mind marrying in the future. I know this doesn’t make sense, but I just wanted to tell you this. In the future, I hope to be by your side again and live happily ever after with you in Heaven or another life, but this time as lovers and not as best friends. For now, though, I am forced to move on without, you and you are too. I hope that you are happy right now, beside your parents once again. I miss you very much.
Love,



Your best friend and crush, Nicole