I clean myself up the best I can. I comb my hair with my hands and find a tooth brush and bubble gum flavored tooth paste, I silently cheer considering my mouth tastes like stale vomit. I'm thinking about the fact that now my mouth just tastes like bubble gum and stale vomit when suddenly I begin to remember last night. I hear spurts of sound, screaming and yelling and my head is on fire when suddenly I feel like I've been punched in the gut and I remember everything.

The kitchen door is kicked open and the sour smell of alcohol immediately floods the room. The second it reaches my nose I know its going to be a bad night. My overly drunken father stumbles into the kitchen and I swear their is alcohol running through his veins. No words are spoken, none need to be, we both know what comes next. I duck the first swing just barely but then his knee comes up hitting me directly in the stomach and I fall. I could have won this fight, I know I could have. My father had drank way to much for him to be able to actually cause me harm but as my luck would have it when I fell I hit my head on the edge of the counter. "I deserve this so stop feeling bad for yourself" is my last thought before my dad kicks me into unconsciousness.

As I remember everything I'm not shocked. I'm almost thankful for only a broken rib and a mild concussion, he could have done a lot worse, he has in the past. A doctor knocks on my door pulling me out of my almost coma like state.

"Hello young man, Daniel Blare is it?"

"Yes," I flinch at the sound of my mothers maiden name.

"Well Daniel, your injuries aren't to serious and by the way your up and about it seems to me that you'll be just fine. A nurse will be in soon to re wrap your ribs and check on your head so just sit tight." The doctor is looking right into my eyes. I wonder if he can see all the secrets I keep in them.
"Okay," is all I say and he leaves.

I decide I cant stick around for the nurse to come check on me, they'll be to many questions, "What happened to you?" "Why is this the second time a sixteen year old boy has been in here in the last month" "Where are your parents?". I don't want to see the pity on the adults faces when I give them the answers.

I check the drawers of the nightstand and find my cell phone. Its nine thirty so only second hour at school. I make the decision to call Parker hoping he's skipped biology like he usually does. The thing about Parker is that everyone thinks he's stupid for doing things like that, but really he still has an A in the class and could probably get into any college he wants and he's only a junior. The phone only rings three times before Parkers voice is blaring in my ear.

"Danny where the hell are you Will's worried sick," His voice is gruff, still sounding like he just woke up.

I sigh, I never even thought about what my friends must be thinking. "Will always worries."

"That's true, but really are you okay man?"

I don't want to worry him or lie to him so I avoid the question, "Can you pick me up? Hospital parking garage, same place as last time?"

A small pause and I hear Parker exhale, I can picture his eyes closing and brow furrowing a face I've seen to many times. "Yeah I'm coming," then the line went dead. Millions of thoughts fly through my head like a Ferris wheel on high speed and in the center one cold realization. I don't deserve Parker. Those four words dripping into my brain, raindrops into the muddy puddle that has become my mind. I don't deserve someone who will drop everything for me and hold me when I'm beyond broken. I don't deserve anything but what my dad does to me. I wallow in self pity for a moment before taking my medical papers off the clipboard and tearing them to pieces. I easily make it to the parking garage without being stopped once and I know that when the doctor returns to my room and finds it empty he wont care or try to find me. They never do. That's the thing about adults, they don't care about kids that aren't their own. I'm not there problem. They'll write my injuries off as a mere skate boarding accident and forget about me by tonight. When I enter the parking garage the first thing I see is Parkers old beat up black jeep sitting right where he said he'd be. He's standing up leaning slightly against the side door, arms crossed in front of his chest, chocolate hair blowing slightly. When he see's me a small smile forms on his lips but it doesn't quite reach his eyes. I begin to rush my steps until I reach him then wrap him in the tightest hug I can, burying my head in the crevice of his neck because god I've had a shitty morning and I need to feel loved.
I went to open the passenger door of the jeep but when I looked through the window a smiling Max Montgomery was looking back. I would have put up a fight about Max being in my spot but I was exhausted. I dragged myself to the back seat, laid down and just thought. My thoughts at the moment are mostly about Max. He's supposed to be a sophomore, a grade below us, but at the beginning of his 7th grade year he tested out and joined us 8th graders. Everyone gave him a rough time at first, calling him a nerd, but I bet they just wished they were as smart as him. I know I do. Max and Parker had first hour language arts together and became almost immediate friends. That's how Parker is, everyone wants to be his friend because he's loud and funny and always laughing. Parker and I have been friends since I moved here when I was ten. We met William a year later when he was getting picked on by older boys for god knows what. Parker stood up to the bullies and they never bothered William again. Will has the biggest heart of anyone you will ever meet and people often take advantage of that but Parker and I will set anyone straight who tries. That's basically how its always been with us, Max the smart one, Will the one with the huge heart, Parker the funny and loved one, and then me. Just Danny with nothing special to offer to anyone. Now known as 'Danny the one who killed his mother and 6 year old brother.

I wake up in Parkers bed and roll over to see Will lying next to me. When he see's I'm awake he gives an explanation, "Parker and Max said you didn't look to good when they picked you up earlier, I didn't want you to wake up alone," his voice sounds tired and strained.

"Thanks Will," I scoot over to him and lift his arm up to put it around me and rest my head on his shoulder.

"What happened Danny?"

"The usual. My dad got drunk. Only a concussion and a broken rib. I'm okay."

"You need help, please just let us help you. What if this was Sam this was happening to? you know you'd do whatever you could to help-"

"Its not Sam. Don't talk about Sam," I begin to untangle myself from him and get out of bed.

"Danny its been almost two years you need to-"

"To what William? To get over it? To talk about Sam like I didn't kill him? Like its not my fault he's dead?" I'm out of bed and staring at Will now. The pity in his eyes is overwhelming.

"Its not."

"I was the one driving Will. I was the one who stopped paying attention for one second and their gone!" I'm yelling now. "I don't need to be saved, I'm going home," I turn and walk out the door feeling like my body is sheathed in ice and I just left the sun sitting alone on a bed.

I storm into the kitchen and see Max and Parker sitting at the table drinking hot chocolate. I don't know why I got so angry with Will for bringing up Sam. Its not like we haven't talked about him before. My head is buzzing and my thoughts are ping pong balls bouncing off the walls of my mind and I cant seem to grab a hold of any. I feel like that a lot lately. I rush past the kitchen and out the front door ignoring calls from Max and Parker. Its snowing and all I have on is jeans and a black t shirt but I don't care, I just want to go home and sleep. My thoughts are far away when I get to my front door. On the outside my house looks like any other on the street, dark red bricks with blue shutters and a blue front door, average. No clues to what goes on in the inside, no hints about my loving fathers daily beatings. I get the key out from under the matt and slowly open the front door. I didn't bother to check the time at Parkers house but his parents weren't home so I assume its still working hours. Hopefully my dad is still working at his the god forsaken run down bar downtown. I run up the stairs and into my room immediately flopping onto my bed. I enjoy thinking about my life before all of this, I can sometimes still pretend that my life isn't the way it is now.

Two years ago I loved my life. I was a freshman at Hillsboro High school, wide eyed and innocent. Everyday after school Parker, Will, Max, and I would go to Parkers and tell our parents we were doing homework but usually we'd play video games and eat food and just enjoy our high school lives. I was loud back then and lively and funny. Everything that I'm not now. I'd stay at Parkers until my mom insisted I come home for dinner. I'd come home to a home made meal on the table with my family waiting for me. Though my dad and I were never very close. After dinner Sam would usually make me play cops and robbers with him but I never minded. When it was time for bed I'd pick up the screaming 6 year old and hold him high above my head and throw him onto his bed while he laughed and laughed. But on December 14th, 2011 everything changed for me. I had gotten my permit in November and was itching to drive anywhere. Sam, my mother, and I were leaving Target while snow was heavily falling. I knew the roads were icy and the snow would block some of my view of the road but I convinced my mom to let me drive home, I said I needed to drive in the snow one day. I just wish it hadn't been that day. We were close to home, so close to home, when Sam laughed so hard the milk he was drinking came flying out of his mouth. My mom was yelling at him but he just kept laughing. I took my eyes off the road for half of a second to look in the mirror at Sam and I hit a patch of ice. The car swiveled out of my control, hit another car, and flipped off the road into a ditch landing upside down. I don't remember if I ever woke up in the car, I don't think I did. I woke up in the hospital with the feeling that my head had been split in half. I groaned and opened my eyes, stunned by the light I quickly closed them. Suddenly I recalled the accident. Sam and my mom. Sammy. Sammy. Sammy. I whipped my eyes open and sat up like a rocket and saw Max and Will sitting, staring at me. Their was tear streaks on both their faces and their mouths hanging open. They didn't look happy or excited I was awake. They stared at me utterly shocked, they looked like they had seen a ghost. Suddenly I couldn't breathe anymore and I realized that there was a breathing tube down my throat. I began to choke and Max rushed forward and ripped it out. Will began to sob loudly and heavily and every breath he took said my name.

"Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny," Will jumped onto my bed and wrapped his arms around me and cried into my neck.

Max joined us on the bed and he looked so small, so fragile as he laid down next to me and put my arm around him. He smiled and small tears leaked from his eyes. I didn't understand why my friends were acting this way. Surely I was only unconscious for a day or two. I probably had a concussion or something. I wanted to ask which room my mom and Sam were in so i could go see them but then Parker was in the doorway. His face bare the same confused shocked emotion i had seen on Will and Max. He dropped the coffee he was holding and it fell to the floor, but he didn't seem to notice. He glanced at the still lightly crying Will and Max but then his eyes focused on me. I felt the strong urge to wrap myself around him and comfort him, he looked so lost. I pushed Max and Will aside and swung my legs around off the bed and tried to stand. I immediately fell to the ground and my vision blurred. I heard everyone yelling and felt doctors rush around me as i was lifted back onto the warm hospital bed and I distantly heard the cries of my friends as everything faded to black. I woke up again the next morning and saw Max, Parker, and Will asleep in chairs in front of my bed. I wondered briefly where my dad was then decided he was probably waiting in Sam or my moms room.

"Guys...," My voice was dry like i hadn't drunken in days. I started to cough and it woke them all up.

"Hey," I smiled at them, "How many days have I been out? What rooms are my mom and Sammy in? I hope Sam's foots not messed up, he has soccer tryouts next week," I had assumed that since I was awake and okay that they must have been too. That it was just a small accident. Max was the first to speak.

"Danny... Parkers going to tell you what happened."

"What do you mean? Max what's going on?" I began to worry when tears made their way down Max's face. Parker stepped forward and held my hand. He held my hand and I knew that it wasn't just a small accident.

"Danny you've been in a coma for a month. The doctors didn't expect you to ever wake up. Yesterday.. yesterday your dad gave the doctors the okay to take you off of life support. But then you woke up and took everyone by surprise, your dad didn't say anything... just went home," his eyes were welling with tears. It didn't make sense to me, what he was saying. Coma for a month? Life support?

"W-why would my dad want me to die?"

"We don't know Danny," It was Wills sniffling voice now, "We fought him and we yelled at him trying to get him to change his mind but he wouldn't, hell Parker even socked him in the face but he was set on his choice."

Then Parker held my hand and cried as he told me what had happened to Sam and my mom. They died on impact when the car flipped and landed in the ditch. He told me that it wasn't my fault, that it was a cruel twist of fate that the patch of ice was where it was. But I knew then and I know now that it was my fault. Max, Parker, Will and I all piled into my hospital bed and they held me as I cried all through the night. The next morning my dad came and wordlessly checked me out of the hospital. He didn't talk to me for weeks until one day he came home drunk and that was the first time he was violent. He left the house right after and I called the only three people I trust anymore to come over and comfort me while I sobbed. We made the decision to not tell anyone what my dad does because then I'll have to go to court and move away and that's not happening. Lately when things have been getting really bad the boys have suggested that we tell someone. I'm not going to tell anyone.

I must have fallen asleep last night because I wake up and the sun is shining brightly in my eyes. I realize its going to be a bad morning before I even get out of bed. Its eight thirty so school started ten minutes ago. I'm going to be late with no excuse on why and no excuse for missing school completely yesterday. Also to my dismay, Parker, Max, and Will are all in my first hour class and after what happened yesterday their probably all ready to kick my ass for not calling and telling them I'm okay. And, finally, my first class is taught by the lovely Mr. Podnick who, for some unknown reason, hates my guts. I do a limited amount to get ready, just toss on a blue baseball sweat shirt and jeans, brush my teeth and grab an apple on my way out the door. Just to add to my great morning, its snowing. My walk to school only takes ten minutes and once I'm standing outside my first hour class door, I'm twenty five minutes late. The second I open the door all eyes are on me including three that range from concern to "I'm going to kick your ass for not letting us know you were okay last night." Mr. Podnick looks up from the excerpt he was reading aloud and the second his eyes land on me they're filled with distaste.

"Ah Mr. Shell, nice of you to join us."

"Its Blare," since the first beating my fathers last name has disgusted me and I started to use my mothers.

Mr. Podneck raises his eyebrows for a moment but quickly put his face back into a scowl, "Well Mr. Blare, care to tell the class what happened to your face there? Causing trouble again hm?" I had almost forgotten about the bruises on my face. I say nothing, just walk to my seat avoiding any eye contact.

Were doing a worksheet on god knows what when suddenly the date registers in my mind. December 14th. Two years today. Suddenly I cant breathe. At all. I'm a fish roughly thrown onto a dock and I just close my eyes and let my mind wander to Sammy. His big blue eyes and fluffy brown hair. I must have gotten lost in my day dream because suddenly the bell rings and class is over. My eyes snap open and i quickly stand and walk out of the class running into three mildly angry boys.

"Danny we need to talk to you come on," Will grabs my wrist and leads us into a bathroom.

"I'm not in the mood for this," I try to push past them and leave but they're blocking the exit. "Stop it, were going to miss second hour," they all just look at me sadly, then Parker speaks up.


"Listen Danny we know what day it is... Do you remember what happened last year on the anniversary?" I do. Very clearly. My dad was so brutal that night its almost a blur. I ended up with a severe concussion, 3 broken ribs, a broken wrist, and I still have the scars marring my collar bone from cigarette burns. Ugly red circles traveling all along just below the hem of my shirt. We had to tell people I was mugged, they believed it without hesitation. Adults like to believe what's easiest for them. "Yeah I do," I mumble back.

"Good, so you understand why there's no way in hell your staying at your house tonight right?"

"Yeah how and is that going to happen Parker? My dad suddenly has a change in heart and actually lets me leave my house for once or I don't tell him and get beaten to s*** tomorrow night?" The annoyance in my voice in my voice isn't left unheard.

"I don't know yet Danny but why don't you try a few more sarcastic comments and we'll see where that gets us," Parker huffs clearly exasperated.

"Okay when you three become miracle workers let me know, until then I'm going to physics," I push past them and hurry down the hall.