What is love? Love is like putting a gun into someone's hands and trusting them not to pull the trigger. He pulled it.

I begin to finally wake up. My head feels as if someone is compressing my brain, my body feels shattered like broken glass. My eyes, as swollen as 100 bee stings. I roll over and grab my phone. 10 missed calls, 30 unread messages. All from the traitor who pulled the gun to my heart. My room is dark, little sunlight peeking in. My room is quiet, with the sound of the wind whistling through my window. 

*Knock Knock* 

My door begins to crack open, and I see him. ‘The nerve of this kid.’ I think to myself. I quickly shut my eyes and pretend to fall back asleep. Talking to him is the last thing I want to do at this moment. 

“Bellis?” his voice enters the room. “Are you awake?” The sound of his voice just makes my tears want to escape. I hear his feet shift and feel him sit on the bedside. 

“I brought you orange roses,” his voice croaks. “Your favorite.” he continued. Then the first tear rolls, slowly, down my cheek. 

“You don’t know how sorry I am. It was a mistake, a big, big mistake. Trust me, if I could take it back, I would do it in a heartbeat. I love you Bellis. Please don’t let this go.” he whispers the last part under his breath. He gets up, sets the glass vase down on a surface, and walks out of the room as quietly as he possibly could.  

Ivan was a tall, dark, very handsome, junior baseball pitcher. He was the boy every girl crushed on, every girl wanted to get close with. I was one of those girls. But I always stood in the background and let the other girls take a swing at it. One day, Ivan and I were partnered up for a chemistry lab, and that led into a two year relationship. I wouldn’t say the relationship was as strong as people thought. Once the relationship got out, girls, with their jealousy, always tried ruining it. But, with Ivan always making the bad choices, and me, always taking him back in, the relationship kept moving forward. Here we are, 2 years later, and I think it's time to give up on taking him back in. 

I roll out of bed, and gradually make my way to the bathroom, turn on the shower, and slip my way in. As the water hits me, I feel the sadness wash from my body. The shower, which seemed to take hours, finally ended. I looked in the mirror, and my eyes remained puffy. I slipped comfy clothes on, and walked down to the kitchen. 

“Good-morning honey,” my mothers words welcome me down. “Ivan stopped by this morning, did you talk to him?” she asks with curiosity. All I do is shake my head. That’s when I look up and she sees my swollen eyes.

“Oh Bellis, don’t tell me he messed it up again.” She walks over and hugs me tightly. I begin to sob in her shoulder.

“Mom, I can’t keep playing this game with him. He always runs back saying sorry, and then betrays me by doing it again.” I cry out to her. She rubs my back and just holds me in silence as I cry out all my hidden tears. Once I feel okay again, I take a seat at the kitchen counter as my mother pours me a fresh brewed cup of coffee. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” she asks with love. All I do, once again, is shake my head. My thoughts are too scrambled for me to speak at the moment. My mother and I sit in silence for the remainder of the hour as she continues watching the news, and I think about my decision. Do I finally leave? Or do I give him back the gun he’s pulled the trigger to multiple times? 

I’m back in my room now. Daylight filling the air and the fall breeze coming in. I’m laying on my stomach, with my phone in my hand. I have a text typed out, just not sent yet. I’ve read it a million times now, I just don’t know if I have the guts to send it to him. The text reads: 

‘Hi Ivan. I saw the orange roses this morning, thank you. But this is the fourth time now in this relationship that you’ve gone and slept with another girl. Last night was my last straw. I love you Ivan, but I think it’s time we put this relationship to rest.’

I hit send, and throw my phone to the other side of my bed. I love him. But there comes a point in time where I have to realize a relationship needs trust and ours lost that ages ago. Although I made this decision, my heart still aches for him. That’s when I decided to call my best friend Carly. 

“Heyyy girl!!” her voice perks on the other side of the phone. 

“Hey carm.” I reply dryly.

“Uh oh. Who do I need to beat up??”

“No one,” I let out a little giggle. “ Could you just come over?”

“Right now?”

“Yes. Please?”

“Yes, ofc. I’ll be there in 10.”

We end the call with that and I sit impatiently waiting for her to walk through my bedroom door. 

Carly has been my best friend since third grade. She knows everything about me and I know everything about her. Our friendship hit a rough patch in the middle, but her and I have always made it work. She makes my bad days turn good, and that’s why I called her over. 

Exactly 10 minutes later, Carly swings open the door with small ice creams and tissues. ‘God I love this girl so much.’ I think to myself. 

“Are we talking or crying first?” she asks quickly, holding up ice cream for the talk and the tissues for they cry. 

“I already cried with my mom this morning.” I reply, grabbing the cookie dough out of her hand. 

“Did Ivan cheat again?” she asks as if we’ve been here before, but it’s because we have. I nod as I take my first scoop of ice cream. 

“Last night, he was supposed to come over and watch scary movies. About an hour passed and he still didn’t arrive. That’s when I got a text from him saying he messed up again and he felt ‘really bad’ and blah blah blah.” I continue to rant to her for the next 30 minutes. The best thing about Carly is she will sit there and just listen and not say a word until I’m done. That’s when I tell her about the text I sent him. 

“Did he respond??” she asks intriguingly. I shrug.

“I haven’t checked.”

“Check! Right Now!” 

I click open my phone, and sure enough, three unread messages from Ivan. I turn my phone to show Carly. She nods her head for me to read out loud. 

“He texted back saying:

‘Bellis please. You know I didn’t mean to. This relationship is my top priority. I would die for you. I can’t lose you again. Let me make it up to you. It will never happen again.’

‘Please baby.’

‘Don’t give this up Bellis.’ 

That’s all.”

I stare at the texts for a little bit until Carly snatches my phone as quick as a slithery snake. She clicks it off and sits on it. 

“Bellis. Look at me. Today is going to be different. You're not taking him back, do you understand?” 

I nod. 

“If you do, what is most likely going to happen?”

“He cheats on me.. Again.” I reply doubtfully. 

“Now I know losing him is going to hurt. But that’s okay. Because he was the man you gave yourself to for two years and it’s his fault for not doing the same.”

All I do is take her words in and think. After all I have done for him, he has never given me the same. All he has given me is trust issues and insecurities. I doubt myself everyday thinking I’m not good enough because he cheats on me non-stop with other girls. I look up at Carly.

“Give me my phone.” I say determinedly. She grabs the phone and places it in my hands. I click it open and begin to type.

‘Today is the day I realize you're not the one. You have put me in pain for years and I have always stayed silent. I can’t love you anymore Ivan. You know why? Because I need to love myself first. Goodbye, Ivan.’

I hit send and click off the phone. I hug Carly and thank her for knocking the sense into me. But in order to love someone like Ivan, I have to realize I’m enough and gain my self worth back.