The next morning I woke up and walked into the kitchen where my mother was on the phone. “I realize she’s a teenager but this is different. I think something’s seriously wrong”. She looked up at me and immediately hung up on whoever she was talking to. She smiled and went to the fridge and pulled out some bacon for breakfast. I slowly went towards the basement to check my Facebook. When I looked at my messages I had a total of 236 all from people at the high school. The ones from girls were all calling me a s**t and guys were all perverted things. I quickly checked my Formspring which had a total of 765 questions. I turned the computer off immediately and went in the bathroom with the pair of tweezers I bought. I pressed gently in the skin then a little harder till blood trickled down my arm. At this exact second my mother called me upstairs to eat. I quickly pulled my sleeve down and ran towards the stairs. Suddenly a sound startled me. It was my phone. My best friend Stacy texted me asking to talk to me. I ran up the stairs and eat quickly then ran back to the downstairs bathroom to get ready. When I arrived at the Montgomery’s sprawling mansion I saw Stacy lying by her pool. I slowly and cautiously walked up to her. All at once all of my memories of us came into mind. The day I had my first beer, the day we got high and ate everything in sight and I swore to never do it again. We had been friends since diapers and I knew this was the end. Slowly Stacy lifted her new Gucci sunglasses. With a frown on her face she said “I’m pissed at your sl***y ass.” I knew this was coming. I had been prepared, but it still stung to hear my best friend say those words. “Why?” I asked. She smirked and replied “You know the exact reason. We worked so hard to be at the top and now that we’re there you decide to sleep around. I can’t believe that people actually ever liked you.” I realized she said I slept around. I never recalled this but it gave me a piece of the night back. “If it was with Austin how am I a s**t?” I asked puzzled. “It would’ve been fine if it wasn’t with Steve!” Steve Smith had been Stacy’s boyfriend since we became popular. He wasn’t gorgeous or cute. His head was shaped oddly. I turned and realized the truth of the matter. I didn’t intentionally sleep with him. I had a purity ring. I wasn’t waiting till marriage but I was waiting till I found the right guy who loved for me for my true self. “Stacy, I did not sleep with him consensually He raped me. I believe it.” She turned away obviously disgusted at such a remark. “Spencer, you think every guy wants you, but the truth is only Austin wants you. Gosh, you’re such a conceited selfish b***h!” Then she turned away from me and went through her sunroom which led to her humongous bedroom. I knew something major had just happened as I drove away. I drove as far away from home as possible till I ended up in the next town over which happened to be Burlington, Vermont. I drove to the docks near the Ethan Allen and parked and bawled over everything I lost in my life. I bawled for my father leaving, for my brother and sister going to the psych wards when they were sophomores and I bawled for my old life. The docks were a big part of my childhood. I used to ride my bike to them with Stacy and we’d eat ice cream and talk about everything possible. I would ride alone during the divorce so I could cry without my family knowing. It now seems like it was one of the only things that never changed. I slowly drove up to Church Street to go shopping for gifts for my mom and maybe buy a sundress. As I pulled into a parking spot I saw the one person who I missed. My brother Jake was walking towards the mall with his girlfriend who I never met. I ran out of my car towards him and hugged him like I had never seen him. His girlfriend looked like she was so confused. “Hi I’m Jake’s sister Spencer.” She smiled and hugged me. “Hi I’m Melissa. Your brother talks about you all the time. He never mentioned you were beautiful.” I blushed and we all started walking together like we were a perfect family. “Hey do you two want to go get some Ben &Jerry and catch up.” Melissa nodded and I did too. We were together for about an hour then we split up so they could go back to the UVM campus. I continued to wander the street till I found the dress I was looking for. As I was looking for my size I saw another familiar face. It was the one guy that loved me for everything I was. He quickly looked away when he saw me. I ran up to him but saw he was with Steve. I tried to walk away without them spotting me but with my horrible luck Steve spotted me and immediately called my name. Austin turned with a frown on his face. I knew right then he knew. Steve swallowed me in a hug. I pushed away and ran. I’m sure I looked insane but I didn’t care. Steve took one thing I could never get back and ruined every relationship I built. I got right in my car and drove right to my family’s summer house. This house was right by the lake and it was insanely beautiful. It had a huge loft with 12 beds and a big window. The rest of the house was fairly normal size. It had 3 bedrooms but it was very open. I took my keys out of the BMW’s ignition and went to unlock the door. Down on the docks was Jason the neighbors’ son. We used to be super close but he admitted he had feelings for me the summer before and everything changed. He spotted me and made a beeline up. Slowly I walked into his arms and cried. I cried for ever believing that I could be popular and also that I let my need for popularity come before my best guy friend. Jason slowly unlocked the door without saying a word. I walked into the kitchen towards the fridge and fell. Jason looked at me longingly. “Hey Spencer, I thought you weren’t coming this summer. I missed you.” His sincerity made me cry more. “I wasn’t supposed to but I screwed everything up. I had something taken away. Something that’ll never come back”.

Jason gently picked me up and brought me all the way to the attic with the window that overlooked the lake. He looked like he needed to do something. I leaned in and kissed him and immediately regretted it. I pulled away and cried some more. “I’m sorry Jason. I shouldn’t have let you in I know this must be hard. I wish you didn’t have to see me this way. I don’t want to lead you on. I have a boyfriend.” I noticed that he wasn’t sad at all. He smiled. “Spence, you always believe everyone wants you. I have a girlfriend. I still love you, but I’m doing my best to move on. Now what did you lose?" I whispered “I was violated. My best friends boyfriend put himself inside me and ruined every relationship I ever had” I almost fell asleep a second later. I was suddenly lifted onto the bed where I slept all night.
When the sun’s rays hit I knew it was time I called my mom. I sat up and looked around. Jason was on the bed next to me sleeping soundly. My cell was next to me on the stand. The only message was from Austin asking if we could meet later to talk. I dialed my mom’s number carefully. When she answered it was obvious she was freaking out. “Spencer, where are you? I haven’t seen you for a day and I thought something horrible happened to you” I quickly replied I was fine and I spent the night in the summer house and was going to stay for a week or so. I hung up and walked down the stairs towards my room. I saw my old self in it. My clothes were neatly put away and the only bathing suit was my one piece speedo. I knew I had to go clothes shopping but I couldn’t throw anything out because it was something that would remind me of when my life was normal. I ran down the stairs toward the door when suddenly I heard Jason move upstairs. He walked down the stairs and I suddenly saw him more clearly. He had changed over the year. He now was muscular and lost his glasses. In every meaning of the word he was gorgeous. He smiled and said “I think you’re strong for admitting that you were raped. Now let’s get you happy. How about we go shopping today?” I had to smile because he read my mind.
An hour later we were in Burlington buying all the clothes I wanted the day before. I felt as whole as before, but I knew I wasn’t. A girl around our age walked up to Jason and pulled him into a kiss. I realized this girl was his new girlfriend. Suddenly I saw Stacy by her side. She looked at me with disgust then whispered in the other girl’s ear. I knew that Jason would be forbidden to talk to me and suddenly I wanted to cry again. Surprisingly the other girl smiled at me and said “Hi I’m Ashley, Jason’s’ girlfriend.” I smiled and turned to pay for everything. When I turned back around I saw that everyone had left. I walked towards my car just in time to see Austin and Stacy kissing. I walked over and slapped him and told him I never loved him. “Spencer, no one cares. I only wanted you for sex, but you only gave that to Steve.” I felt like a bullet had gone through my heart. I jumped in my car and drove to the house. Outside on the porch swing was Jason. He looked distraught. I walked up to him and sat down. “What’s wrong” I asked. I already knew the answer. “Ashley broke up with me” he said to my surprise. We walked into the house and talked till it was around 7. We walked towards the lake and sat and talked some more. I never felt at peace like I did then. Suddenly I remembered my real life at home. I thought of all the lies and I knew I never wanted to leave this place. I fell asleep in Jason’s’ arms for the second time. I awoke an hour later to my phone. I realized Jason was nowhere to be seen. The text was from Jason saying to go toward the boat. As I walked closer I saw his family’s house boat. Inside it was light and Jason was cooking. I ran in it and hugged him. He had a serious look on his face. “Spencer, I need you to tell me about your rape.” I shivered. “I don’t remember much it’s all coming back slowly. I remember I was drunk and high and I had left my beer around and kept getting it back a little later. The next thing I know I’m on the ground struggling with Steve on me. Then he slapped me and I stopped moving but kept saying no. He suddenly pulled my pants down and went in me. Then I blacked out.” Jason looked shocked. I slowly stood up from the stool and walked back up to the house and for once I didn’t feel like crying. I felt light like a burden had been lifted.

I was alone for another week. Jason had left to go home for a while. I knew what I said shocked him and it hurt him I left him like I did. I was making my dinner when I got the phone call I knew was coming. “SPENCER! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I can’t believe you just left home like that.” “Hey, Addison.” Addison was my sister who acted like a mother. “Don’t hey me. Mom has been harassing me all week about calling you.” Suddenly something made me hang up. At that exact moment a car pulled into Jason’s driveway. He walked out and turned toward my house. He walked over and came in without knocking. He proceeded to walk over to me and pull me into a heart stopping kiss. I was so surprised but I couldn’t help but kiss back. I knew someone believed me. “Spencer, I think you need to know that I love you.” I took a step back and tripped. I couldn’t believe him not after everyone that ever loved me broke my heart. I knew it was my last chance but I also knew I didn’t want anyone to get hurt. “I went to someone and told them everything you told me and they’re willing to take the case for you.” I knew that no one would believe me and it was the last week of summer and it would only make school worse. “I don’t need anyone to help me I can’t people will just think I want to make it look like I’m a s**t.” Then I ran upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door. I took the sharpest thing in there which happened to be a razor blade and I cut and bled. I had control back. I made my own pain and it was worse than the pain others were causing me. I heard the front door close and I knew Jason was done with me and would never help me again. I didn’t care. I guess you could say I was very selfish. I broke his heart twice and I still don’t know why.

School was starting in a week so I was driving home. I knew it’d be difficult to go back to everything again and I knew I’d probably be grounded forever. As I pulled into my long hidden driveway toward the gorgeous mansion overlooking the mountains I saw my mom sitting on the balcony crying. When she saw my car she ran downstairs towards me. We hugged like we were little kids. Then we walked in filling each other in about what went on during the summer. I didn’t mention the truth of why I left and I didn’t want her to ever know. I was afraid of how everyone would look at me. A week later I was up and ready for school. I looked in the mirror and realized how much I changed during the summer. I don’t think I would be who I am today if that summer never happened. If only the people at school had changed. When I walked through the doors I saw everyone’s different reaction. All the guys eyed me like they were gonna eat me up and the girls mouthed s**t and other nasty names. The one girl that looked at me like I was a human was a new girl. She was model gorgeous with stunning maroon eyes and shiny blonde hair. I knew I saw her before. Suddenly I knew she was one of my friends from the summer house. She was Jason’s sister. She ran up and hugged me. When we pulled away I told her that she shouldn’t be seen with me or she’d be an outcast too but she didn’t mind. That day will always stay in my head. Turns out that Jenny, Jason’s sister, was in all my classes which made my day a lot better. We talked about everything except Jason. At lunch we sat together. “Jason’s here too. He misses you but he refuses to admit it.” Jenny said suddenly.Jason poked me and when I turned he kissed me. I was so surprised. After the kiss I pulled away and realized it wasn’t Jason it was Austin. I pushed him off me and me and Jenny walked off. I wish I could say I lost all feeling for him but that’d be a lie. I don’t think I realized how much he hurt me at the time. Suddenly the real Jason stood behind Jenny and I. He raced by us towards Steve. Steve gave him a high five and they walked off. I think at the point I fainted. I couldn’t believe that my almost boyfriend was now best friends with the guy that hurt me the most. Jenny looked on in disgust. Then she whispered “That guy is ugly. I sometimes wonder how my brother almost got you.” I smiled and we walked out of the school towards my car.

That night me and jenny talked I knew she heard what happened during the summer. She brought it up slowly with questions I didn’t really know how to answer. “Jason is coming to pick me up and he thinks you two need to talk.” She had surprised by being so straightforward. I knew we had to talk eventually but it was something that needed to be very private. “I think we do too, but we need privacy because we have to work something very private out.” She frowned and stood up. “I know about your rape and your newfound depression and cutting.” I knew I was caught up in my own lies. “Jason told you? Oh that stupid liar he said he’d never do such a thing!” I screamed at the top of my lungs so loud my mother ran down the stairs. “Honey, what are you talking about what happened over the summer.” my mom asked. “Nothing mom it’s unimportant now.” Then my mom slowly walked over to the bathroom and turned on the light. I had it sparkling this morning so she didn’t find anything. A minute later Jason’s new red mustang convertible pulled up. I was shocked to see Stacy in the passenger seat. He leaned over and kissed her like he used to kiss me. My cell started blaring Taylor Swift’s “The Story of Us”. It was weird because it pertained to the situation perfectly.
Jenny and I slowly walked outside to meet him. When we got to the car Jason hopped out and unlocked the back doors and Jenny got in. “Spence, I think it’s about time we talk about what happened in the summer.” “I think that we should go talk in the pool house.” I replied to Jason. As we walked we were strangely silent and the silence wasn’t comforting.
What happened in the pool house wasn’t what I expected. “Spencer, I love you, but me and Stacy want to be more then friends. Steve approves and the only person who doesn’t is you. I think I should have a reason seeing as you don’t love me.” It took me a minute to get my thoughts straight. “Jason, I don’t love you because I never gave you the chance to make me. Stacy was the reason I left home for the summer. She ruined my social life and my relationship with Austin. She’s taking every relationship I form. Steve is just as bad because he ruined my friendship with Stacy and that’s why she’s ruined my life.” Jason surprised me by standing and leaving me to myself.
I walked over to the extra dresser full of my old nerdy clothes and put on my long Care bear pants. I walked over to the bed and sat. I thought more about what I could’ve said that would’ve convinced him. I spent the night in the pool house and woke up around 4 am. I quickly put on a one piece to go swimming before school. After I took of my sweater from the day before I saw the scars. I had about 10 of them on each arm. I ignored them and finished changing in to the bathing suit. I jumped in the indoor pool and swan till 5. I knew I had to go get changed into real clothes but I felt at peace with my mistakes and all the mishaps. I wish I could’ve missed school to swim. As I walked into my room I saw something I didn’t want to. It was the picture of Stacy, Steve, Austin, and I before homecoming. I wondered if Steve wanted to hurt me then. I pushed the thought aside as I pulled on my new sundress and Ugg boots. I knew I looked like Taylor Swift with auburn hair which was fine because I wasn’t in the mood for looking like me.
As I walked to my car my phone started playing Taylor Swift again. I quickly answered and saw it was Jason. “Spencer, meet me at Starbucks before school” Jason said quickly. He hung up after that. I unlocked my car and drove towards the school. Our school was fairly big and it had a Starbucks built into the café. As I walked in people looked, but like they were shocked at my change. Jason was waiting in Starbucks. When he saw me he smiled. I walked over to him and slapped him. “You left me last night and I opened up about everything.” He stood looking shocked. Then we both smiled and hugged. I don’t know why I decided to forgive him quickly, but in all truth I believe I was falling for him.

That day everyone was complementing me on my change and I knew I was happy with myself for the first time in a while. That night Jason and Jenny were going to open mic. night at a club. They invited me to go, but I wasn’t sure because I couldn’t sing very well. In the end I went so we could all talk.
When we arrived at open mic night Stacy ran up and put her arms around Jason. To my surprise he didn’t return the hug. When she saw me she looked disgusted. I smiled because I knew that I won something. After a few minutes they began calling people up and somehow my name was put in there. Jenny came up with me so she could help me sing better. I decided to sing Leave the Pieces by The Wreakers so we’d have equal parts. It turned out pretty well and I sounded better than usual. When we got off the stage Jason walked over and hugged me and for once it felt perfect. I wish I could say that everything went back to normal, but it didn’t. After a few more people sang we left to go swimming at my house.
The house was completely dark when we walked in and there was a note on the table saying my mom had went down to Massachusetts to visit my sister at her new brownstone. We all walked in the back just in time to see Austin, Steve and Stacy pretty much destroying my pool house. I ran in just in time to see them take a picture of all my nerdy clothes and I knew that no one would care about who I used to be so I just pretended not to see them. They left after 10 minutes and I knew that by tomorrow everyone would know about this. It made me feel invincible to know that it didn’t hurt because those three did far worse than ruin my already non-existent social life.

The next day was even better than the day before it because people knew what I used to be like and it gave them hope. Not to say anyone else wanted to be my friend. I was still referred to as the school sk**k but it didn’t bother me much. Truth was I was happy. I had two friends who I loved and one I was falling in love with. That was even better than being popular. Slowly, though, my depression was worse than before. I was contemplating hurting myself every day. I wasn’t cutting as much because I wanted to do worse. I knew sooner or later I’d have to tell but I was afraid that my family would look at me differently and would think I was a s**t and just wanted to get out of being called one. The truth was starting to show thought because my mom noticed Stacy never visited anymore and Austin and I were never together. I think that she was happy of those 2 changes. She loved Jenny and Jason like they were her own. She also knew that Jason was very important to me. One afternoon after another day at school things couldn’t have been worse. People were back to taunting me and threatening me. They also said that they’re boyfriends slept with me which wasn’t true because I didn’t want my relationship with Jason to be ruined. That afternoon was the day my brother and sister arrived home for Thanksgiving break. I was so depressed I was on the bathroom floor cutting my arm when someone knocked. I wasn’t thinking so I left the tweezers on the floor and didn’t roll up my sleeve. My sister looked in and let out a sigh. She walked by me and I shut the door. “Why are you doing this, Spence? Things can’t be that bad at home or school.” I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. This was what I was afraid of. A person finding out was the worst thing that could happen. “Please don’t tell mom. I don’t want her to think she’s doing something wrong because she’s not.”

Things that week were tough. Addison kept avoiding me. I think she was afraid that she’d spill her guts to mom if she talked about me. Jason and I were together for most of the break anyways. He was part of my family already. I think that I started to have doubts in December. I was afraid if I told him I loved him he’d try to get me to tell. I kept drowning in my fears. I felt as if I wasn’t even living and everything was just a horrible nightmare. I knew this was just part of my depression or anxiety. It had been a week since I cut and he mentioned that night again. “Spencer, I know that over the summer you refused help, but you’ve gotten worse. Addison told me you started cutting again. I need to understand why.” I nodded and replied “I don’t feel like this is my life. I feel like I’m in a dream. Cutting brings me back to reality and I need control. I can’t tell anyone they won’t believe me. I wish I could but everyone thinks I’m a liar.” Then I whispered “ I love you Jason.” I felt perfect and didn’t understand why I didn’t say it earlier. “Spencer, I love you too.” We kissed like we did during the summer. It was better then the last kiss we shared. I knew I finally didn’t have to worry about losing him. I knew it was almost time to tell someone the truth about that night and also time to tell them the whole story not just the parts I already told. I needed to tell the whole truth but not to Jason.

After Christmas I was finally ready to tell someone and that person was Addison. She was down again for winter vacation. “Addison, I need to talk to you about what happened over Thanksgiving. Things are pretty bad. Not at home, but at school and I’m depressed.” It hurt to finally tell the truth after staying quiet for so long. “Spencer, Why?” She seemed genuinely worried so I spilled my guts. “During the summer before I went to the summer house something horrible happened. Austin and I went to a party after I snuck out and I had a lot to drink. I also took a few hits of a joint. But I had left my beer around for maybe 2 hours then got it back after and I went wild. I danced on a pole and I’m pretty sure at one point I had just a bra and underwear on. Stacy’s boyfriend, Steve, took the liberty to carry me to a bedroom and lay me down on the bed. He took out a small condom package, and tried to get on me” I shivered “I fought hard to get him off till he slapped me and I just kept saying no. He pulled my dress over my head and took of my underwear. He gently took his pants of like this was consensual. I was in pain. Austin walked in and punched me and him. Stacy looked pissed she walked over and slapped me. I felt violated. I needed control back in my life so I started cutting” I rolled my sleeve up to show her almost 30 marks “I thought if anyone found out I’d be a disgrace to this family or worse, people would think I was lying.” Addison had her head in her hands and she lifted it up for me to see tears streaming down her face. “Spence, No one would judge you if you were raped. We need to tell mom.” When I told my mom she was bawling her eyes out and I knew that this would change everything forever. My mom immediately picked up the phone and dialed a lawyer. By the night we were talking about a trial. I had called Jenny and Jason so they could come over. Jason walked in with a smile on his face. “I’m so happy you told. Now we can get that guy some well-deserved punishment.” I smiled. It was nice to know so many people that love me The next few weeks were a blur. We met with the lawyer a few times to get my testimony figured out and we talked about if they were planning a plea bargain. It was scary to think the jury would be listening to me tell my story of a night that I’d never forget. My family all were trying to deal with the news. Jake and Melissa were talking to many lawyers to make sure ours was doing the right things and Addison was helping the prosecution get ready to persecute Steve. The court date came so fast. When we arrived at the court house we saw news trucks everywhere. This wasn’t a surprise because Steve came for a very rich family and we were accusing him of rape. It was scary when they made open arguments and when I got on the stand I was crying almost. Jason was nowhere to be seen which was strange. We were supposed to go to the summer house. The whole process was nerve wrecking and after it was over I felt so relieved. I drove up to the summer house and saw Jason down at the docks. He had his arm around another girl. As I got closer I realized it was his ex, Ashley. They were kissing. I immediately ran up to the summer house and slammed the door. I felt like he lied to me. I was lifted out of my dreamland into the cruel reality. Jason had stood up and they were walking into his house boat. I couldn’t bear to see more. I thought he loved me. I ran towards the liquor cabinet and drank till I couldn’t think straight. I walked out of the house down into the water and swam. I saw shadows in the boat but I didn’t go near it. I waited till they both walked out to get out. Jason looked sad when I came out. “I saw you. Why would you do that to me?” Jason looked shocked. “Do what?” I laughed “Cheat on me with Ashley.” He looked confused. “Spence, that wasn’t Ashley that was Jenny.” I didn’t understand. “Why’d you kiss her then?” He laughed “I didn’t kiss her I hugged her and we went in the boat to eat.” I realized how quick I had been to judge him and I felt horrible. Things went back to normal after Steve got sentenced to 1 year in prison without parole. Jason and I stayed together and ended up married. The scar of being raped never disappeared and never will. I wish I could say that I was normal like before the whole thing happened but I’m not. Normal doesn’t exist. Everyone’s different so no one can be normal.