It’s August 27th I start school in 4 days. Great, starting 9th grade, high school, with no friends. Ha, what a huge change from how this year was supposed to start at Eastwood. I would’ve been the most known freshman, my school was so small. It was easy to be well known. My class had about 150 students in it. As apposed to this one that had almost 300. I was like a little fish in a huge lake. I was scared. People were a lot more preppy up here too. I begged my mother to take me shopping. I needed new clothes if I was going to fit in. she said my clothes were fine. And that’d we’d go shopping the second week of school once everything had been settled in. the funeral was two weeks before our move here. Everyone in our whole town gathered to pay their respects. Jenny stayed at my house all three days, both days of the wake, and the burial. I needed her. Even though in two weeks we’d be separated. I cried all night and Jenny held me in her arms and didn’t say a word. Even when my cries were silent she still knew what was wrong. And I’ll always remember those nights after the funeral I walked to her house at 4 in the morning and climbed in her window just to talk about everything. The day we left Eastwood was the hardest day of my life. I think it was worse then the day of the shooting, the wake and the funeral all jammed into one, cause with this one there was no going back home. As far as I was concerned I didn’t have a home anymore. We were like nomads searching for a place as far away as the place before. That place happened to be Westchester County, New York. No one here had spoken to me, I was just Josie Keller, the girl with the dead sister, who came from the land of nowhere. Yup that’s me. The next three days went by with worry and fret for that dreaded first day at Westchester high. I got on the bus that first day and wanted to cry, so bad, but I couldn’t let myself ruin my make up. “Suck it up kid,” I said to myself, “it could be much worse.” i carried a drawstring bag on my back and my saxophone in one hand. I loved playing my instrument I don’t know why. But all I knew was this year, if I wanted to play in symphonic band, I had to be in marching band, which at my old school, you wouldn’t be caught dead being in, I was going to quit for ninth grade so I wouldn’t have to do it but I got suckered in by my friend Stella, who said we could do it together, well look where am I now Stella! All alone with no one to share a band cubby with or someone to laugh with at the ugly, gross uniforms we had to wear. The bus stopped in front of this massive high school. It must’ve been 7th- 12th grade here. My stomach started churning, this was it. I walked into the school and looked down on my schedule, I had math 1st period, Algebra, and that’s when I met him, we were being put in alphabetical order (which I hated a lot, because I could never be on the edges, where I liked to sit the most)I ended up in the second row next to some guy named David. He looked like he was really popular here. A type of guy I probably would’ve gone out with in Eastwood, just because he was my type. The more I looked at him the more attractive he seemed. He had brown hair and was pretty tan. I don’t know where he’d gotten tan because there’s beach within 3 and a half hours from here. Well whatever. No one spoke to me. Not David and not this weird girl with dark frizzy hair sitting behind me who made a lot of gross noises. I picked up my saxophone and headed to second period, 1st period, day 1, no friends, not fitting in. I had gym second period I sat alone on the bleachers, the teacher called attendance and I raised my hand when my name was called, two girls came and sat next to me, “Hey!” said this one with really long blonde hair that I could tell was down to her butt even though it was French braided. “Hi, I’m Josie.” “I’m Rita, and that’s Jeanine, did you just move here?” “yeah I came from Eastwood, its like this really small town all the way towards the east end of New York.” “why’d you move here?” “Its just, well you probably heard of it, my sister was killed in a shooting at her elementary school. And well, my parents didn’t wanna live there anymore. So here we are.” “I’m sorry for asking. I didn’t – I mean-“ “its okay I mean I’m used to it. Everyone around here knows what happened anyway. No one in our neighborhood talks to us.” “where do you live?” “over on uh, umm, Cranberry Lane.” “OH MY GOD!” why was this girl screaming in my face at 8 in the morning? “you live right near the hottest guy in the high school. He’s a Sophomore and his name is David, do you know him?” “Wait, is he like stupid because he’s in my Algebra class and that’s a 9th grade course, at least it was at my old school.” “oh that’s because here it’s a 10th grade course so you’re a year ahead, his name is David Marsen. What’s your house number?” “um 7 I think.” “Josie! He’s your neighbor, he lives at house number 5, you need to get on that girl,” just then the bell rang. “well, see you around.” They walked away I couldn’t wait to go to band this afternoon after I’d eaten lunch in the bathroom 6th period and sat alone in pretty much every class, I just figured band was one place I’d fit in at this school, cause you know I’m a loser. I walked in to find out that not only was I the only girl saxophone player, but at this school you have to go to band camp or else you don’t know the field sets. I was the only person who didn’t go. I got a drill book with my name and the number and letter “S14” on it. I sat between these two guys, Will and Ricky. They were both really nice and offered to photocopy there music for me. They said I could hang out with them at the field rehearsal tonight which made me feel a little bit better knowing I had friends. I didn’t know what to say when I figured out that there’s no real teacher for this class. We had 1 head drum major, 2 assistant drum majors, and 4 field majors. Louis, our drum major was a senior who was probably the biggest band geek I’d ever met, he actually went to this thing in Virginia called drum major camp. Seriously, ew, and I thought I would fit in here? Every 5 seconds someones saying they love marching band. I guess I wasn’t the only one who found it annoying when Will whispered in my ear and said, “don’t worry you’ll learn to ignore it soon.” He was a freshman like me. Who had fortunately known about band camp. And was probably the most normal and loved band geek among them all. Everyone knew him, he was the brother of some musical prodigy who graduated last year, so naturally he was excepted. When the afternoon bell rang he introduced me to his friends, “guys, this is Josie, she’s knew. Be nice.” He laughed. “listen Will, I’ll see you at the rehearsal tonight at 6. I gotta go.” “alright! Don’t forget your drill book! You’ll need it!” he smiled. I walked home but left my instrument in Will’s band cubby. I felt like I made a friend. I told my mother about the band rehearsal tonight, “Josie, do you still wanna do this marching band thing?” my mother found it weird that I actually wanted to do something tonight. “yes, I made a friend so I wanna go back.” “okay, just as long as your happy.” “Yeah cause I’m just dandy after a day with no friends. I’m going to change my clothes and go for a run” “Josie, wait-“ “mom, seriously don’t try to make this seem like it was a great change for us. Cause it wasn’t” I ran all the way around our neighborhood hoping to catch a glimpse of David. I saw him once come out of his house. But I was scared to talk to him. So I just kept running. After 30 minutes around and around the neighborhood, I finally went inside showered and got ready for band. I put my drill book around my neck and looked in the mirror. “God, I look like an idiot” I thought. I took off the book and threw it back in my bag. I walked downstairs and told my mother I was ready. She drove me to the school and dropped me off by the south entrance where the band rooms were. I put my instrument together, grabbed my drill book and walked up to the field with Will. He started explaining who everyone was, he said to stay away from this really skinny kid Michael. Who apparently everyone hated. He was pretty much the only bad person in band. He was annoying too. “Just stay away from him, okay?” “okay, um, Will, by chance is someone named David Marsen in band?” “Oh god, don’t tell me your in love with him too?” “No! of course not. I mean he’s good looking but he’s really popular.” “Good, cause you’d be about the thousandth girl after him. Girls in band know better not to go there, but new kids and other girls are like, all over him.” “well in that case… I won’t be ‘going there’” “he’s a jerk anyway. You now how many girls he hooked up with under the bleachers at band camp?” “Ew okay, okay don’t tell me! I don’t want to know I’d rather think he’s just good looking and… wholesome.” “Yeah the only thing wholesome about him is that he ahs the decency to show up.” “So, you seem kinda popular around here,” “Yeah, I mean my brother went to school for music so I’m kind of expected to be like amazing you know?” “well, do you like it?” “Its okay, I just wish so much wasn’t expected of me you know?” “Do you have like a lot of friends in band, like if you don’t really like it why do you do it?” “I’m excepted here you know,” I honestly didn’t know what Will was talking about, he looked like an older Aaron Carter, he had semi long blonde hair, and these electric blue eyes that were just… to die for. I don’t see how people don’t love him. He seemed like the nicest person I’d met all day

In late February, our band director announced an over night band competition at Dorney Park in Pennsylvania. I was excited. But scared, I mean what if David tried to pull what he had at that party again on this trip? He was lucky this time, he had given me no STDs, and Will hadn’t punched his face in like he insists on doing everyday at band. This time for the band trip I made sure to set my alarm so I would get to sit with Will. I walked onto the bus at 8:40 on time and got my seat. Thank God, I made it this time. I breathed a sigh of relief, maybe this trip will be good. We got to the hotel, I shared a room with Rita, Jeanine and this other girl Lori-Anna. We decided to go walk around. We met Will and Anthony downstairs. We were walking around the hotel when we turned the corner and I bumped into David Marsen. I stopped in my tracks. “Well look who we have here, little Josie Keller.” “Get lost David.” I muttered. “Well, you know Josie, if you want a repeat of that Night at Katelyn’s, I’m room 359.” He winked, and then all his friends laughed. Will turned around, “You better keep your mouth shut Marsen.” “Oh yeah, what ya gonna do about it pretty boy?” “Listen, I’m not looking for a fight, but here’s the way it goes, touch her, look at her, talk to her, even think about her, and I’ll come after you.” “Oh really Sarkski, you better watch it before you run your mouth like that.” “That’s it,” and He decked him. Will just punched David, for me. “Stop!” I yelled. Everyone looked at me. “Will, he’s not worth it.” Will got up and his lip was bleeding. We all walked away from David and his “entourage” of jack asses. “Why did you do that?” I asked. “I did it for you.” “But you’re hurt. You shouldn’t get hurt for me.” I put ice on his face. “Josie, stop it.” “it’ll make it better. Unless you wanna go get a nurse to help you and risk getting sent home.” “Okay. Okay, you know I fought for you today Josie.” “I know. You shouldn’t have done that though.” “Why not? Josie I care for you.” “Will I care for you too but-“ “No Josie its not the same. I care for you because I- you know what never mind.” “No, Will, what were you going to say?” “Josie, I like you, I mean I really like you. And I haven’t told you because it didn’t seem like the right time. With David and all, and then we started hanging out more and I started to care for you more and more. But I didn’t tell you because I didn’t wanna ruin this with you.” “Will, I-I-I like you too. But I don’t know if I’m ready to be in a relationship. I’m scared.” “You know I wouldn’t pressure you, I’m not David. And you know that.” “I know. I just- I would love to be with you, but I wanna wait. Okay?” “Whatever makes you happy beautiful.” Why did he just call me that? That sounded just like David. “why did you call me that?” “Because you’re beautiful?” “No, no David used that line on me.” “Josie, its different. I actually mean it.” “That’s what he said.” I felt a lump in my throat. “Josie, I’m not going to rape you, or hurt you. I would never do that. You mean to much to me.” “You’re right. I’m just really tired. I know that.” “Go get some rest, I’ll see you in the morning.” “goodnight Will.” “Goodnight Josie.” He kissed me on the cheek. And in that moment I felt in love with him. I know, I know, I’m 15, but I’ve never felt this feeling in my heart before. And not like the love you hear about today. And not like how I felt about David. I walked to my room. I felt like I this was a dream. One part of me was worried though, I mean I know all guys aren’t the same but it scared me. I opened the door to my room and Rita and Lori-Anna were sitting there. “where’s Jeanine?” “Off with Anthony” “when is she coming back?” “Who knows. How’s Will?” “Bruised. But David deserved it.” “He’s always been a jerk.” “Wish I knew that before I saw his stunningly good looks.” “don’t we all?” we laughed. I had a weird feeling in my stomach the next morning when I saw Will the next morning. It was like butterflies, but worse. I felt like I was gonna throw up all over my band uniform. I left the room with Rita. Jeanine had most likely slept in Anthony’s mean it was quite obvious they were going to get together sometime soon. I saw Will, he smiled at me. God I loved his smile. We stayed by each other’s side the whole weekend, and like a gentleman, he didn’t pressure me once to do anything. We had no confrontation with David who I guess had finally realized he should stay away. My mother picked me up at the school on Sunday night. Will kissed me before I left. But we weren’t official. I know, very confusing but I don’t even care. This was the best weekend since I have moved here. Little did I know the worst was coming. I got into the car and I could tell something was visibly upsetting my father. Which lately, has been happening a lot. I mean don’t get me wrong his daughter was shot he has a reason to be a bit disturbed. “Hello dear, how was the trip?” “It was amazing! I had so much fun. Is everything okay?” I could see he was getting pale. He was worried about something. “Everything is okay. I’m just very worried about your mother.” “what’s wrong?” recently my mother had been diagnosed with Clinical Depression. She hasn’t left the house in over two weeks. I caught her in Georgia’s room the night before the trip. She was just sitting in the corner looking around. I brought her back to her bed. “She’s worse then when you left. It hasn’t gotten any better.” I went home and saw her that night. Her eyes were sunken in, she was pale and sickly looking. She had lost a lot of weight. Ryleigh was at her bed side. And never had I seen her look more worried. I felt something wasn’t right. I said goodnight to my mother. And I went to sleep. When I got up on Monday morning my father had taken Corey to school, Ryleigh was gone. She had left late last night. I got up and got ready for school. I didn’t feel too hot, I put on a t-shirt and jeans. I missed Georgia a lot today. I put her locket in my pocket. I went to say goodbye to my mom. She looked small in bed. She was awake, she just lay there. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her and she just grabbed my hand. Her hands were so thin. I was scared.

I went to school like it was a normal day. Will and I didn’t hang out that day, he had some music thing. I walked home I turned the key into the lock. I slowly opened the door. Something smelt weird. It didn’t smell like home. I was the first home as always besides mom. I went to say hi to her, but all I found was a card on my bed. On the front envelope it read “Josie Katrina Keller. My heart.” I opened it. It wasn’t what I’d hoped it had been. It wasn’t a love note from Will, it wasn’t a card from my grandmother back in Eastwood, it was a letter. That I will forever regret opening and reading. It was from my mother, it was a suicide letter. She said she loved me, but why would she do this? I don’t understand. I couldn’t breathe. My chest. My heart was collapsing. Ii couldn’t breathe. I screamed, I screamed like someone had just stabbed me. I ran into her room, I heard the water running, I shoved open the bathroom door hoping to find my mother brushing her teeth or doing her make up, or just alive. Her bloody corpse was lying on the floor of the shower. She had done it. She had killed herself to be with Georgia. I ran out, I ran out of the house. I heard my father coming inside. I ran to him. I hugged him. He didn’t understand what was happening. I shoved the letter at him. And I ran into my bedroom. My mother had killed herself. She was dead. She was not breathing. That was it. we buried her in her coffin next to Georgia. Right next to each other, so they could be together for eternity. That was the hardest day of my life. It was the first time I saw Georgia’s grave, and having to see my Mother’s headstone next to hers, was the worst feeling I’ve ever had. After the suicide Cory and I were sent to live with Ryleigh and her husband in North Carolina. My father stayed in Westchester, and it would be a long time until the next time we saw him. He needed time to breathe. And he wanted to be alone. I spoke to him every night, Cory doesn’t know my mother died. We didn’t tell him. He thinks living with Ryleigh is fun so for right now, we’re trying to help him be normal. As for Will, we talk, all the time. Before I left, we spent one last hour together, just talking and he’s coming to stay here over the summer. Is it scary to think that just a year ago I was a small town girl who had never witnessed danger? Very, did I ever think my life would end up like this? No, and I miss my mother and Georgia everyday with all my heart. I know they’re watching over me, forever, until the day I am with them again. And until then, I will live for them and make them proud.