Dear Thomas

As if my day could have gotten any worse. One minute I'm talking to this beautiful girl for whom I have unrequited love and the next minute I am tied up in the trunk of despair. Obviously I am not actually tied up in the back of someone's car. If that was the case, this story would have taken a rather morbid turn. Oh how rude of me, I didn't introduce myself. My Mom is always saying that I like to start a conversation before I even introduce myself. It's funny and a bit hypocritical because she does the exact same thing. People said that we are basically the same person, for one thing we both have the same high browed facial features and nappy hair. She has the same slouch that I have and we are both slightly pigeon toed. Even the way that we act are the same. She's dead now, not literally. She did something to me that. What she did to me was despicable and I can't forgive her . I  rather not talk about what she did to make me feel this way.Anyways my name is Thomas Mills Ferguson III. As you were probably already able to piece together there are two other people in my family who were unfortunate enough to be given that name. I guess I was just meant to continue this streak of bad luck, if I was to have a son I would probably give him the same name. Of course there would be no malice intent  behind me doing that, if anything it would be out of solidarity. Back to what I was saying, my day has just been horrible to say the least. Adults never want you to be too pessimistic when it comes to the prospects of your day. Say anything like " My day was really bad." If you do they will respond with a bunch of crap, pardon my French.

" Don't be saying that boy. How could you possibly be having a bad day? Want to know what having a bad day is just look at me. I could have gone  to college and make something out of my self  but instead I'm stuck in a dead end job." Yada yada yada. Unfortunately I had a conversation like that earlier today with a gentleman that I meet at the subway. New York is a cool place but I can't stand the people. It's strange because people from New York are famous for being rude but that is not completely true. They are some kind and respectful people, this of course makes it ten times more aggravating when you meet a complete jerk. Anyways this guy kept on going on and on like he had something to prove, I didn't  think he did as I already viewed him as a hack. For one thing he had a horrible sense of hygiene, not mention his absolute regard for manners and basic incompetence when it came to personal boundaries. Eventually something caught his fat droopy eye's attention. This "observant" man noticed something.

" So you go to Mueller's School for the Gifted ? "

" Yes I do. " Trust me, he was no Sherlock Holmes as I was wearing the school's uniform. A putrid vomit colored yellow polo with a huge patch pathetically stitched on to it that said Muller's School for the Gifted in bold letters. Helen Keller wouldn't have been able to miss. I'm sorry that was a bit insensitive but you get the point.

" Well I don't think I need to tell you this but apply yourself at school young man."

" I will. Thanks for the advice Mister? "

" Lennox. " Then all of the sudden he stuck out his crusty hand for me to shake. Ashes of his last cigarettes were conveniently stuck on his palm as I was able to take a closer look and see last nights dinner wedged in his fingernails. I shook his hands and then quickly sanitized. Thank God my stop was on its way. Once I was able to I just about ran out. After I arrived on the steps of the prestigious academy that is MSG I saw her. Strangely enough she was just about as gorgeous as the last time I saw her if not more.
" Hi." That's the only thing that I could even muster up the courage to say. How pathetic.
" Hi."
She is absolutely beautiful but she also absolutely hates my guts so... It could be worse but then again it could be better. The classes went by and I was stuck just thinking about her. I mean I always think about her but today I thought about her even more. I have a class with her so I concocted this brilliant idea. I decided that I would actually keep a conversation with her. Now time for some backstory. This girl that I like so much, Rosemary, I've known her since 1st grade. I started liking her around seventh grade. That is around the same time we became friends. She liked me but being the coward that I was and that I still am I didn't do anything. Eventually we got to high school and we talked less and less until we stopped talking all together. I'm pretty sure she was mad about this and she would glare at me. To be honest I don't really know why I stopped talking to her. At times I would even avoid her. Maybe I was just afraid of the feelings she caused me to have. Anyways I was pretty sure my idea was fool proof. So first thing I did when I got to Calculus was sit right next to her.

" So Rosemary how's it going? " Instead of even acknowledging that I had said something she decided to rest her head on her hand purposely blocking me from her peripheral view. Eventually the professor began his lecture and starting writing stuff on the board.

" So class as you can see this is a equation that can be figured out in a multitude of ways." Rosemary was really persistent in her ignoring me so I just didn't pay any mind.

" Okay I understand why you wouldn't want to talk to me. I get it. It's okay if you don't even like me but at least say something. " Anything would suffice to be honest. "You don't even have to say a word, I am cool with a grunt. Please anything. Won't you say anything? Won't you do anything? " Naturally I caused quite some noise pleading to her so eventually the Professor had to address this issue.

" Thomas! Say one more word and I will kick you out of the class. Frankly I don't even care if you are my star student, rules still apply to you big shot." Reasoning with her was out of the question so I had to figure out something else that I could do to get her attention. I decided I should stare at her. Obviously not in any creepy way but just occasional sudden glances which would last at the most ten seconds. Hard work pays off and we eventually locked eyes. Every time I see her my heart starts to lose its control, and that time was no exception. I couldn't help but smile. It was no toothy wide grin type of smile but it was a smile nonetheless. To my surprise I noticed tears flow down her check. Her blue eyes were watery and  tears didn't contrast the paleness of her skin well at all. She turned away from me and I was a bit confused. I finished the rest of my classes I was thinking about why she was crying. Who was the jerk that could make her cry? At the end of the school day we just so happened to bump into each other, literally.

" I'm so sorry." She said this as she picked up the multitude of books that were scattered across the floor. Of course I was happy to see her but I played it off well.

" It's no problem. Umm by the way, why were you crying in class today? "

" Wouldn't you like to know. "
" You're right I would like to know. " She looked at me and gave me a face that had a lot of different emotions to it. There were undertones of mild annoyance, sadness, interest and love. I'm usually good at reading people but I couldn't read her if I tried. You might be thinking why was your day so bad ? So far nothing really happened. Well what she said right after made today the worst day ever.

" I was crying because of you. " Just my luck. I was the jerk. " You never ever talk to me to begin with. You make it seem like you're interested then you go back to not talking to you. Honestly I like you a lot but I can't keep living like this. I've been waiting a good four years  for you to stop acting like this. I think I understand why you do this to me."

" What are you talking about, I like you a lot. "

" I don't deny that. I never said you didn't like me. You are just always in your own little world that you never seem to have time for other people. You are also scared to love."

" What do you mean? I am on planet earth. I'm on this world. "

" Yeah but your not actually in this world. You're always somewhere else. This is why you treat me the way you do. I like you. I know you like me but honestly I can't be with you for that reason." She gave me a hug and then gave me a piece of paper. " Put it in your pocket Thomas." she said this with resilience. Then she left.My day has just been absolutely horrible and this letter is partly to blame. What was written on the letter was basically what she said but in a more formal manner. She wrote it in letter format but instead of ending it with something cheesy like " Best regard, Rosemary"  she put this instead.

               To those who meet someone who they can never fully love,
                                                     Rosemary

P.S. It's probably best if we don't talk to each other. Ever.

Unrequited love is one thing. But a mutual love that can not be fulfilled because of your own flaws is something entirely different. After reading the letter I felt empty inside and even now as I am writing this letter I can't even begin to ingest all of this. This letter that I'm writing will not be sent to anyone. It's just for my own sanity. I have thought of what I should  do with the letter that Rosemary gave me . I must have crumbled it up a million times as I put in in the pockets of my dark blue khakis. The brown leathered creasing of my shoes must have made contact with it who knows how many times. It's doesn't really matter anyways. She has a point. I am in my own world, she has a point. Nothing I can say now will change her mind. It's best just to let it go. I can never love again.