“You look funny.” Those were the first words Joseph Clarence said to me when we first met.
“What is that supposed to mean?” I asked angrily, glaring at him.
I was wearing my favorite yellow dress, my hair was braided.
I was playing outside with my sister Catherine when Joseph came out of the house.
He started grinning at me. “I don’t know. You just do.”
For a 6-year-old boy, Joseph had been pretty mean. He used to make fun of all the kids in the neighborhood, including me at the beginning. But after a while, he started to like me, he was an only child and started telling people I was his little sister. He protected me and stood up for me, when someone insulted me.
I really grew to Joe over the years, and whenever he called me his ‘little sister’ I had to cringe.
At the age of 14, I realized that I wanted to be more than just his little sister. I fell in love with him.
The way he pushed back his dark brown hair, his almost black eyes that I couldn’t stop staring into, the way he smiled when he was truly happy. That really got to me.

“Come on M.A., we’re gonna be late.” 14-year old Joseph shouted from outside my bedroom.
He had this annoying habit of calling me “M.A.”, as a short version for Mary Alice. I tried convincing him to call me Alice about 500 times, but he just laughed and kept calling me “M.A.”. He said Alice was too ordinary, everyone called me Alice and he wanted his own special name for me.
“I’m coming.” I shouted back. We were going to a country music festival in town, some people or bands performed and the people from our town would dance to it and have a good time. I was kind of Joe’s date, not officially, he had just asked me to join him, but to me, he was my date.
And that’s why I was putting extra effort into my appearance. I wanted to look good, I wanted to look pretty.
I was wearing a black, country styled skirt, that went above my knees, and a denim top that was knotted under my belly with matching black cowboy boots.
My hair was loosely braided and I was wearing a black country hat. I opened my door and stepped outside to show Joe, who was wearing a black shirt, dark pants, a brown cowboy hat and matching cowboy boots, my outfit but all he said was “You look funny.” He used to say that a lot. Whenever I wore something special, like a dress, he would say I looked funny. I guess he just wanted to tease me, but it hurt, whenever he said it.
“Why? What’s wrong with it?” I asked slightly upset.
But instead of answering me, he just shook his head and laughed at me, before turning around to go downstairs.
I stayed still for a moment, looking down at my outfit.
“M.A” He shouted again. “Get your ass down here, or I’ll leave without you.”
I quickly climbed down the stairs, because I knew that he would leave without me. That’s just who he was. He had this strange power over me, I knew that, he knew that, and he enjoyed it. Every moment of it.

Joe and I were standing at a table, drinking some iced tea, when Rebecca Simpson, my mortal enemy from middle school, asked Joe to dance with her.
To my dislike he actually said yes. It broke my heart, that he left me standing there alone, for a girl who made my life a living hell. He knew how much Rebecca hated me. So I didn’t understand why he would do that to me.
Did he do it on purpose? Or did he do it unintentionally? I didn’t know back then.
But I think he did it on purpose. Like I said, he enjoyed having power over me, like I was his doll.
I didn’t have many friends, so I had to stand there all by myself. Joseph seemed to have a great time with Rebecca. They were laughing and to my dislike, he was standing way too close to her.
I kept watching them, he whispered something in her ear that made her giggle like crazy. She put her left hand over her mouth and playfully hit him with the other hand.
The view of the two of them made me sick. I couldn’t take it anymore. I finished my iced tea, grabbed my purse and walked away from the scene.
I turned around once more and saw Joseph looking at me with a grin on his face. I just shook my head, as he continued dancing with Rebecca. I turned around again and started walking, hoping, praying, he would come after me.
But he didn’t.
Of course he didn’t.

It was a week before my 22nd birthday when Robert started to act weird.
We had been a couple for about a year by then. He made me very happy and my parents were waiting for his proposal.
We still went to the same literature course and we went out on a date at least once a week. We hadn’t had sex yet, he knew that I wanted to wait. At the age of 15 I promised myself that I would wait until the night of my wedding and Robert respected that. I knew that he wasn’t a virgin. He met his first girlfriend when he was 16, they broke up 2 years later.  I was his second girlfriend.
It didn’t bother me that he was more experienced than I was. To me, marriage and kids were still far away.
The only thing that bothered me back then, was his weird behavior.
He was supposed to come over for dinner that day, so I decided to talk to him afterwards. I wasn’t an expert when it came to relationships, everything was so new to me.
I went to our local supermarket to pick up some things for dinner. The moment I walked out of it, I could’ve sworn I saw Joseph.
I only saw the man’s backside. But he looked awfully a lot like him. The hair, the way he stood. His weight balanced on his right leg, the left one crossed. His right arm was placed on his hip, with the left hand he smoothly pushed back his hair.
It was him.
I knew it.
I would recognize him anywhere.
I was so shocked that my grocery bag fell to the ground. Quickly, I picked everything back up. I got up and looked around, but he was gone.
Confused I kept looking around, but nothing. Was I going crazy? I started to think that I had only imagined it.

After putting my bags into the car, I quickly made my way home. I was shaking, my thoughts were spinning around.
It wasn’t possible. He couldn’t be back. I tried to hold my tears back, he didn’t deserve a single tear.
I tried to concentrate on my dinner with Robert, or more specifically, the conversation I had planned for afterwards. That conversation was more important than Joseph.
I had to stop thinking about him, I knew that. I hadn’t thought about him in a while and suddenly he was all I could think about.
After a few more minutes I arrived at home and parked my car in front of it. My Dad was setting the table on the terrace, I could see my Mom trough the kitchen window preparing some salads.
We were about to have a huge barbecue dinner in the garden with the whole family. My parents, Robert and his parents, Elizabeth, Catherine and me. My two older brother’s and their wives as well as my two older sisters and their husbands, were joining us with their kids.
Arthur and his wife Jane had 2 sons, twins, named Adam and David.
Michael and Lily had a son, Byron, and were expecting a daughter. Unfortunately, Lily died 5 months later while giving birth to Kate. Michael re-married 5 years later, Teresa, a waitress he had met in Mexico.
Anna had a daughter called Mary. Back then she was married to James, but they got a divorce a few years later and she never got married again.
At the age of 18, the doctor’s told Susie that she would never have Children. Hank always told her that he loved her and that he didn’t care about the fact that they would never be parents.
I’m not sure if he told the truth, considering that he cheated on her with his secretary and got her pregnant. Susie always acted like she didn’t care, Daniel lived with them and she looked after him like he was her biological son.
Maybe she really didn’t care, and was just glad to be a Mom.
I have to admit, I was nervous about dinners like that. We never really had dinners with our whole families. Robert joined us once a week for dinner, I showed up for brunch at his house every now and then.
Even after a year of dating I still tried to avoid the Countess. Robert once told me that she needed time to warm up to people, I just didn’t expect that to take more than a year.
Our family really wasn’t something to show off. I was nervous how Robert’s Dad and the Countess would react to them.
They were all farmers, I was the only one attending a College. My sister’s husband had a “bastard child” and we were what people like the Countess names “The Poor”. Elizabeth was still in middle school, she was a smart girl, she could’ve made something out of herself. Catherine was in High School, but she didn’t even try to get good grades, she accepted that her fate had already been sealed. They both ended up as housewives and mothers, just like my two older sisters, like expected.
I can’t say that I ended up any different. Just with the difference that I was the only one who didn’t marry a farmer, I married into a rich family. But I ended up as a mother and housewife as well, just that I was wearing designer clothes while cleaning the house.
“Did you get everything, Mary Alice?” My Dad asked me shouting as soon as I climbed out of the car.
I nodded at him and handed him the grocery bags.
“Fantastic.” He grinned.
I excused myself to the bathroom to get ready.

My siblings and their families arrived two hours later and were shortly followed by Robert and his parents.
We were all sitting on the terrace. My Dad had started a bonfire, he knew how much I loved them.
Robert took my hand into his and slowly stroked the back of it with his thumb. I smiled at him, before turning my head back to the bonfire. Edward was talking about something with my Mom, my siblings were laughing all the time.
The Countess, like expected, didn’t talk to anyone, except her husband.
After we had all finished dinner Robert cleared his throat and stoop up. I looked up at him in confusion.
“Arthur, Sue, I just wanted to thank you and our family or this beautiful dinner. I can’t tell you how grateful I am to be a part of this family.” He said smiling. My mother had tears in her eyes, leaning her head onto my father’s shoulder. My siblings were smirking at me, I had no clue what was going on.
Edward looked really proud, the Countess just raised an eyebrow.
“I really do consider you all my family. But I want to be an official member of this family. That’s why I’d like to ask you a question, Arthur.” He continued and walked over to my dad.
I was still completely confused. My mom was crying by then, the countess had a look on her face that scared me to death.
“Arthur, I’d like to ask you to give me your permission to marry your daughter.”
I gasped. He wanted to marry me? We had never talked about marriage before.
I saw my father standing up. He offered Robert his hand, who accepted it gratefully.
My father shook his hand. “Son.” He said. “We couldn’t be happier to have you as our son-in-law.” My mother wiped her tears away and nodded.
Robert grinned from ear to ear, Edward and the rest of the family started clapping, while the Countess excused herself to go the toilet. She wasn’t amused.
Suddenly Robert turned around and walked towards me. I was still sitting in my chair, shocked, speechless, confused.
He pulled out a little box and got down on one knee.
“Alice, the moment I met you, I knew it was you, you and no one else. You are the most beautiful, smartest, funniest and kindest person I have ever met. I can’t imagine my life without you. Would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?”
I swallowed hard. That was supposed to be the best moment of my life. The most amazing man was on his knees, proposing, and I had to think about Joseph. I felt awful.
I didn’t know why, but suddenly I felt myself starting to nod. Robert pulled me into his arms, slipped the ring onto my finger and kissed me hard.
Everyone was on their feet now, clapping like crazy, laughing and crying.
And I, I was engaged to an amazing person.
He held me in his arms while I was thinking about another man.

“What do you mean?” I asked shocked.
“We are moving back to Minnesota M.A.” Joseph told me casually, like it didn’t bother him at all. Considering how he acted, I guess he really didn’t care. Maybe he was even glad to get away from me. A few weeks before he moved away, he started to treat me really bad. He was always mean and started to make fun of me. I never understood why. We were best friends and suddenly he treated me like that. And then he moved away.
When I was younger, I always dreamed about my wedding day. I would get married in a small chapel, wearing a beautiful, but simple ballroom wedding dress and a huge train. A veil, that covered my face, everything in white. In my dreams, my hair was curled and open. My dad would walk me down the aisle. Down the aisle my groom would be waiting for me. Wearing a classic black tuxedo. And that groom, was always Joe.
I always thought that I would marry him one day. He was my best friend, the person I trusted the most. I loved him, in so many different ways. But he never loved me back. Unfortunately, I realized that too late. It would have saved a lot of tears, If I had realized it sooner. I’m not even sure if he ever considered me his friend. Maybe he just enjoyed playing with me. I never told him, but I know that he knew, that I was in love with him. He never mentioned it, but I knew him so well.
He had promised me once, that we would be friends forever. But that was a lie. He didn’t even bother to properly say goodbye to me, when he moved away. He never called, he never wrote me. He just left and never looked back. If you truly care about a person, you show them.
He never did.
I was really upset when he left. I cried myself to sleep for months, I barely slept and I was really moody throughout the day.
Every day I wished that he would come back, or at least call or write me. But he never did.
Today, I wish that he would have stayed gone. He ruined everything. And he did it on purpose. He enjoyed watching my life fall apart. And even as I watched him destroying my life, not for one second, I was able to stop loving him. That was the worst part.
No matter what he did, how horrible he treated me, I wasn’t able to stop. He was like an addiction that I couldn’t get rid of.
I once promised him, that he would always be in my heart, and unlike him, I kept my promise, much to my dismay.
I just kept on loving him. I loved him all the time. I loved him when I graduated from High School and I loved him when I first met Robert at College. I met him when I got engaged to Robert and I loved him when I married him. I loved him when I lost my virginity to Robert and I loved him when I got pregnant.
I loved him. All the time.
I didn’t tell Robert about Joseph at first. I told him about Joseph two weeks after we got engaged. I already knew about his ex-girlfriend, and he knew that I had never been in a relationship before.
“So he was your first love?” Robert asked me after I told him about me and Joe. We were sitting next to each other on the couch in his living room.
“Yeah, he was.” I confirmed and looked to the ground.
“I’m sorry that he broke your heart, Alice.” He said understanding, stroking my cheek with his thumb.
Obviously, I didn’t tell Robert that I was still in love with Joseph. I know that I should have told him. I should have been honest, but I was scared.
Robert pulled me into a hug, slowly stroking my back, comforting me.
He was perfect. He was kind and funny, intelligent and understanding. Perfect.
I was really angry at myself, that I wasn’t able to love Robert, the way I loved Joseph. Joseph didn’t deserve my love. He didn’t deserve any of it.
But Robert, he deserved it. But I didn’t have a say in it. My heart never asked for my opinion, it made his own decisions.
“Do you still miss him?” Robert asked after a while, still holding me in his arms. “Sometimes.” I lied. It wasn’t a complete lie, I admitted that I did miss him, but I didn’t only miss him sometimes. I missed him all the time. I had been missing him for 6 years.
Robert kissed me on the forehead and gave me a small smile.
“I’m sorry.” I said to him, looking into his eyes.
“That’s nothing to be sorry for, Alice. It’s completely normal that you still miss him. He was your best friend, your first love. And you never got the chance to properly say goodbye to him. That’s nothing to be sorry for.” He replied gently.
I simply nodded at him and hugged him back.
He was so understanding and I was such a coward. I didn’t only apologize for still missing and thinking about Joseph. I also apologized for still loving him, but again I wasn’t able to say it out loud.
I didn’t want to admit it out loud. I was still hoping, that one day my feelings for him would go away. That one day, my feelings for Robert would grow. But that day never came.
“I love you.” I heard Robert whisper into my ear, snuggling his face into the crook of my neck.
“I love you too.” I said back.
It wasn’t a lie. I did love him. I did. Just not the way I should have. He loved me more, than I loved him.
I knew that wasn’t fair to him.  But I loved him as much as I could.
Robert was perfect, but maybe he was too perfect. I was far from perfect. And Joseph was even further from being perfect.
I don’t know if that’s the reason why Robert and I didn’t work out. I hope it is the reason, because it would hurt less than admitting, that it was all my fault.
Every day that I spent with Robert, I felt guilty. He made me so happy and I felt like I didn’t deserve so much happiness.
Like I wasn’t worthy of it. And maybe, I really wasn’t.