The pendant of Andark | Teen Ink

The pendant of Andark

March 31, 2014
By Dujjo BRONZE, glasgow, Kentucky
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Dujjo BRONZE, Glasgow, Kentucky
4 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Does giving really mean hospitality, Or does caring for people? I think the latter. &quot;<br /> I know it&#039;s a random quote but I love it all the same!!!


Author's note: I was inspired by the legend of zelda series

My eylids slowly opened as I stared at the wooden cieling above me. as I lay still in my bed I realized something was not right. "Anne!" came my mothers voice from the floor beneath me. "Yes!?" I yelled back, she sounded extremely panicked. "Anne get down here now!" she yelled back "and please hurry" Getting up from my bed I quickly walked to my mirror and picked up my brown hooded cloak and looked in the mirror. A blond girl with green eyes and drooping eyes stared back at me. I threw on my cloak, slipped on some shoes, and hurried down to meet my mother. I stopped at the last step and stared with eide eyes as orange shadows danced along the walls like the sunset on still lake. "fire?" I whispered to myself as my throat became dry. "Anne!" yelledmy mother from accros the room, she was knelt down on her knees over a large hole that she opened up by removing the floorboards. I quickly ran to her and looked inside the small pit. It was about 6 feet deep and could hold about one or two small children- suddenley reality hit me. "mother" I said with wide eyes "you are coming with me, rght?" she smiled as her bottom lip started to quiver, she had given me her answer. "No!" I yelled as tears streamed down my face "we can just get out of the house" But as I looked out the window, the whole field surrounding our house was completely engulfed in flames in every direction. There was no escape "anne" she said calmly tugging my arm and pulling me to the ground next to her "it's okay" and then she held me as I sobbed in her shoulder like I did with papa before he died by the plauge. "Come on Anne" she said choking back sobs "in you go" I hesitated for a few moments but finally climbed into the cold earth. "Take this" she said handing me a soaking wet rag "breathe into it okay? and one more thing" she then handed me down a long object that I didn't have time to examine, for she was closing up the whole with a long stone. she looked down at me as the last few inches of light shone down upon my face "I love you anne" she said. and those were her last words.

"You look beautiful" I said staring in the mirror. I wasn't exaggerating, I was in the kingdoms finest gown. It was a dark purple that was tight enough to be sheek, but loose enough to be modest. my dark reddish brown hair fell perfectly down my shoulders down to my lower back. I picked up my crown to examine it, it was solid gold with silver linings and a half circle in the center making the whole thing look majestic. I placed it atop my head and stared into my blue eyes and saw tears piercing through them and running down my face. I quickly wiped my eyes and thought back over the past few months. My names is Sophine, princess of the kingdom Andark. I lived in the castle with my parents the king and queen. But then the plauge came. The plauge was a strange sickness that spread into the highest places such as the castle, to the lowest places such as the beggars on the street. It came in one night and if you woke up with sores and red marks all over you that burned like fire, then you had the plauge. But if you woke up normal, than you were immune to the sickness. My father got the plauge. After his passing my mother was nearly driven mad by grief. That is until Durane came. Durane was a strange man that came from the west, he had straight black hair coming down to his shoulders, a musclular build, and striking features. My mother fell in love with him instantly and they were married a month later. A week after the wedding festivities calmed down I woke up one morning to find my mothers limp body lying on the ground in the garden, with a daggar pierced into her heart and her hand on the handle. I knew that she would never commit suicide and realized that it must have been Durane, my new stepfather. All of these events happened about two months ago, I am alone with Durane in the castle and I don't know what to do. "Did you get it done?" said a gruff voice from the other side of my wall. I stood up and walked to the wall pressing my ear to hear better, but all I heard was muffled chatter. Durane's study was right next door to my room and he had a windo right next to mine, so I went to my window and looked out. It wasn't to steep of a roof but it wasn't excactly level either, but I needed to know what they were saying. I couldn't help my curiosity, so climbing onto the roof I came to his window and peered inside. "Your'e sure nobody saw you?" asked Durane sitting at his desk "No sir" said the captian of the guard "everyone will think the fire was natrual, we made sure of it" Fire? What fire, what on earth was he talking about? "Good" said Durane smiling "we just have one more thing to take care of. Kill my daughter" I shrieked in terror and covered my mouth but it was to late. He looked at me and shouted at the guards to kill me now. I stood up and ran accross the roof not bothering to go into my room, for they were probably in there by now. As I came to the edge of the roof I looked down into the crowded streets below. Phesants and carts stolled lazily down the crowded city streets. Suddenly a large cart filled to the rim with wheat passed by right underneath me. I knew what I had to do and jumped down letting out a small scream before the whole world went dark. I was uncociouss

My eyes slowly openend as if they had weights holding them down, I was so tired. I slowly sat up and pushed on the barrier between me and the world, after some effort I finally moved it away. The sun shone in my face as I looked around at the devestatinon the fire had done. My home was just a heap of ash and some charred wood that didn't completely disinigrate, and then I saw her. Lying on the floor was a completeley black and disfigured corpse of my...mother. I knew I couldn't leave her there like that so I found as many stones as I could and placed them on top of her body. After sitting there for what seemed forever, I remembered the object she had given me last night, and went to fetch it from the hole. It was wrapped in cloth so I brought it to the surface before unwrapping it. "Oh!" I exclaimed excitedley. It was my father's sword for when he was the captian of the guard for the royal family. It had a golden hilt with colorful gems all along the bottom, but my favorite part about it was the golden half circle right where the blade met the hilt "Thank you mother" I whispered holding it to my chest. We never should have come here, for I thought it was a blessing! After my father died from serving the new king Durane, he said that we should deserve better than a life in the crowded city. So he gave me and mother our own farmhouse with land and wheat already grown. Could the king have done this on purpose? I quickly brushed the thought away as my mother seemed to endlessly linger on the corners of my mind. I must get back to the city at once!

Small beams of sunlight shone on my face as I slowly opened my eyes. I looked around and picked up the object my mother gave me before... before she was gone. I forced myself to brush the thought of her being dead away and stood up and moved the slab of rock keeping me inside this pit. The sun shone into my face as I squinted and looked around at my house, well what used to be my house. Everything had either been burned to a crisp, or was a pile of ash. And then, I saw her. A black shrivled corpse that was once my mother laid by my feet. I squeezed my hands to my face and sunk into a pitiful heap on the ground. I let out what sounded like a sob, a groan, and a distressed sigh. Why did we even come here? I mean if the stupid king didn't give us a farm she would still be alive right now! Suddenley a horrible thought dawned upon me. My father was a very honerable man who served the royal family so the king sent a letter asking us to move to this farm after he died in a great battle against the kingdom of Ashtern to the east. But could he have planned this all along!? No, I quickly pushed the thought aside. But I will avenge her death, even if it kills me in the process.

I walked along the dirt farmroad that lead to the castle carelessly swwinging my sword around. If I got to castle town then some of my former neighbors would be sure to let me stay. "I know your out there!" I yelled aloud to nobody in particular "and I will find you!!!" My face turned red as I yelled up to the sky like a crazy person "And when I find you I will avenge my mother, and you will-" my last words were cut off by the sound of squeaking wheels and horse hooves. A large cart hauling a large load of hay was approaching me down the road. I saw the man driveing the cart chuckiling to himself, he heard me. My face turned red, but not from anger, from embarresment. "Hey girl!" He yelled down at me. I looked up at him and saw he was probably just a common farmer coming home after rading at the market. "Yes" I said carelessly not really caring what he wanted to say. "Did you hear about the fire?" he asked. I opened my mouth to tell him my house was the only one harmed by the flames, but I saw a hand drooping out of the side of the cart. A girl's hand!!! Could he be a murderer. Or worse, Could he be sent from the king to see if my whole family was burnt alive? "Excuse me" he said pulling me from my thoughts "could you watch my cart while I run up ahead and check on my girl?" I blinked nervously and nodded my head quickly. He looked at me like he genuinely thought I was crazy, and hopped down, unhitched his horse, and galloped down the road full speed. "Okay!" I yelled "who's in there!?" no reply "Don't make me come in there" but then fear of a dead body made me have second thoughts "Please don't make me come up there" I said rewording. After a few moments of scilence I climbed in and removed some hay, it was a girl! She wore a very stunning purple dress and her hair was done perfectly "A spoiled brat?" I said confused. Suddenly I looked to the right of her and saw a crown. My eyes grew wide, it was the princess!

My eyes slowly opened as a wave of pain went through my body. I was bruised really bad from that fall, but I guess it's better than dying. "So" came a voice to my right. I looked over and saw a young blond girl, around 14 or 13, standing on the cart with her sword pointing at me. "what are you doing in these parts princess?" she sneered. I had never been spoken to so disrespectfuly and was a little taken aback by her attitude. "Ummmm..." I said as I put my hand on the ground and started to pull myself up. "Stay down!" She yelled angrily pushing me onto my back "You killed her!" She screamed as water came down her already tear-stained face. I shuddered at her accusation and quickly responded with a casual "I have no idea what your'e talking about" She looked at me and laughed "And you excpect me to believe that?" "Yes" I answered even more casually. She seemed to be getting annoyed by me so she just started to threaten me "Do you want me to cut you open right now!" She yelled. I looked at her hands and saw calises, but not the calises of swordplay, but of farmwork. "You couldn't if you tried" I said. She almost lost her mind and ran towards me driving the sword down. I quickly rolled away and hit the back of her wrist disarming the sword from her hands. I picked up the blade and pointed it at her throat. "Do you think that my father gave me no training of self-defense?" She looked at me stunned, she probably thought I was just some rich spoiled brat who had servants waiting on me hand and foot. "Look girl" I said lowering the sword "I have no idea what your talking about, but I think that we should just forget this ever happened and go our seperate ways. Okay?" She looked at me with a red face, and her nostrils flared. "No!" She yelled smartly. "Your father killed my mother, and I will get my revenge!" "He's not my father!" I screamed as my voice cracked as I said the last words. She saw that my face was getting red too and she laughed. "I didn't know princesses could cry" tears started stinging my eyes and I felt them leak down my face. Her expression immediately changed to confusion "What's wrong?" She said almost comfortingly. "That man who you said killed your mother, he killed mine also" "Well" She said with wide eyes "At least we have one thing in common" I think she was trying to make me laugh but it was not working. "Here" I said handing her her sword. As I hopped off the cart and started walking away. "Where are you going!?" She yelled "The castle" I answered not knowing why I told her "Well" she said almost aquirdly "c-could I go with you?" I turned around and saw her face go red with embaresment. I can't believe the girl who wanted to take my life is asking to be my comapnion! Of course she can't come wi- "Yes" What!!! how did that even happen. It was like I didn't want her to but it just came out. "Okay!" She said happily jumping down and running to my side. "I'm annaliese, but you can call me Anne" She said looking at me with a shoolgirl smile "My name is Sophine" I said nodding "But I guess you already know that, huh?" She ignored my last remark and said "So I guess were like friends right?" I just kept walking "Friends? I guess"

The author's comments:
Hi, I really needed to add these to in on this part so please tell me if you though I should have held back on adding them, or if it was a good addition. Thanks!

I stood in line with the other boys and men as Durane paced back and forth looking us over and barking things I really didn't care about. You see I am 13 years old, and I used to live in the town with my mother and... my father. You see my dad provided for us but he died, by the plauge to be excact, and this may sound heartless but I'm kinda glad. Whenever I messed up on my chores he would take me to the cellar and beat me with a long wooden rod. I hated him. But after he died I realized that I have to care and support my mother now, so I joined the army. "Hey!" came a deep voice as a shock of pain went thrugh my face and I fell on the floor. I looked up to see the king looming over me viciously like a cat finding a mouse with a broken leg. "how old are you boy?" He bellowed. My eyes nearly popped out of my head I was so surprised and scared. "Ummmm..." Suddenly he slapped me again and memories of my father flooded into my mind making me wince and fight back tears. "When I ask you a question, answer it promptly!" I quickly nodded as I remained on the stone floor, maybe this wasn't a good idea "I'm 13 sir" I replied remembering his question. "13, huh?" he said chuckling "I'm gonna put you to a test, okay kid?" I nodded quickly "good, what's your name?" I stood up to my feet and answered him respectfully "Alec, sir" "Alec, okay kid" He then pulled out his long black sword from his scabbord and put it to the left of him so that it stuck straight out. He then proceeded to wave it back and forth in small motions and thick black smoke began to seep from the blade. I gasped and so did everyone else, for as the strange smog cleared, a little girl, around 7 or 8, stood there with large round eyes as if she was confused as the rest of us. "Kill her" Said Durane smiling devilishly "Wh-what!?" I exclaimed "do it or I'll cut you down right where your standing!" he then handed me a sword that would belong to a normal guard, and beckoned me towards her. Staring at her she reminded me of myself, brown eyes and hair that came down to her ankles wnd freckles dotted on her cheeks. A tear rolled down her face and she nodded at me. What!? This little girl was giving me permission to kill her? I looked at her reassuraingly and raised my blade over her head. I let it down with such force that it was hard to manouver it, but I did, and I made a large slice on Durane's face right under his eye! He screamed in pain as he fell to the floor and soilders rushed to his aid, amidst the commotion I grabbed the girl's hand and ran through the halls of the castle. Oh what have I gotten myself into!

The author's comments:
Sorry for the horrible paragraph spacing, I just started to do it so please don't get annoyed.

"C'mon Anne" called Sophine as she hurried along the road. But how could I even trust this girl? I don't know that she's not loyal to Durane or not, what am I even doing?!
We stopped at a large barn that was aa couple of miles away from the farmhouse who owned it.
"We can sleep here for the night" she said as we entered the barn.
..................................
"Anne!" Cme my mother's voice
My eyes slowly opened as I lay comfortably in my bed. My warm sheets comfortably wrapped me in thier warmth as I smiled. It had all just been a dream, just a terrible dream!
"Anne" came a voice nearby, but this was not my mother's voice nor was it downstairs.
"Y-yes?" I asked slowly as I looked around my room in a panic.
"Come here" it said, I don't know why but it sounded so familiar. Like someone I always hear but just don't pay attention to that much.
"Why do you need me?" I asked slowly sitting up and letting my feet drop to the floor.
"You'll find out, just come look in the mirror"
"No"
"Yes!"
"Why?"
"Just come!"
I slowly made my way to the mirror and looked inside, it was... me!?
Suddenley my eyes flew open again and I lay in the barn with Sophine again. My heart was in my throat and I was covered in sweat.
"Calm down" Said Sophine a little ways off sitting of a box with the crown in her hand.
She carresed it slowly in her hands as she looked in my eyes.
"Have you been watching me?" I said starting to get a little embarressed. I would hate the thought of her watching me as I suffered in a nightmare about... I don't know.
She laughed "Yes, but it's okay, same thing happened when I lost my mom.
I realized that me and her really had much more in common that I thought. Well besides our ovbious social gap, but that's beside the point. I'm talking about not what other people think about us, but what we think about ourselves.
I lay down again and was surprised how fast I fell asleep again, as I was on the edge of awareness I heard her whisper something
"Goodnight... Anne"

As I ran down the long corridors I could hear the guards shouts racing along right behind me. My heart seemed to be in my throat when I took a right and was met by a wall.
"No" I whispered under my breath and looked at the girl who was clutching my hand for dear life.
"Now what?" She said as I could feel her palm start to get sweaty.
"We sho-" My suggestion was cut off as the wall slid up into the cieling and a long dark narrow hall with a dim orangeish yellow light flickered at the end.
"What?" Said the girl as her eyes grew bigger than apples and she started to step back
"Well, c'mon" I said as I started to walk and nearly drag her in with me. As soon as our backs were clear of the hall, the wall slid right back into place.
"Were trapped!" She screamed as she let go of my hand and started to sob quietly.
"Oh stop crying" I said in a big-brother sort of voice. "Let's see what that light is"
It was the strangest feeling going down the hall, for there wasn't even the slightest gust of wind or air. It seemed as if the air just decided to cease and stay in one spot. It wasn't musty or dirty, it was just... creepy.
We came to the end of the hall to see a tall candlestand set up in the middle of an magnificently cozy dim litted room. There were two couches that were red on either side of the room. A large thick red carpet with gold edges covered the entire floor, but the strangest thing was at the back of the room. IT seemed like a well of some sort with a thick rope descending the pit.
"Hello?" I called towards th pit.
"I've been watiting for you" Answered a voice from below.



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This book has 6 comments.


on May. 3 2014 at 3:37 pm
LittleRedWritingHood, Nfdslf, Hawaii
0 articles 0 photos 45 comments
I just read the nine chapters you have posted, and they look like a pretty good start to the story. It's very intense, and I love how you set Sophine and Anne into very similar circumstances, despite their large status gaps. There are a few things that you could work on, however.   The spelling, grammar, and capitalization could use a bit of work. For instance, the word "pendant" in the title of your book should be capitalized, making it read as, "The Pendant of Andark". If you haven't already, I suggest you write your story in a Word document and then paste it onto this site. The Word document will point out most of the spelling/grammar errors you have, and it will help with capitalization as well. Of course, Word documents aren't always totally accurate all the time, and sometimes it won't recognize something as a word even if it is, or it will mark you as having a grammar mistake when you don't. However, it will definitely help.   I was going to comment on the formatting of your chapters, but then you started spacing things out better in the last two chapters. Good job, and keep doing this. Open space is attractive to the eye, and it will help your audience to read faster. Plus there isn't much more intimidating than clicking on a book, only to be welcomed by a massive block of text.   As for the content of the story itself, it is decent for what you have so far. There were parts I had to read over a couple times to understand what was happening. Maybe adding more detail will make things clearer? I would sometimes get confused as to who was speaking and when. I could usually figure it out, but please try to indicate more who says what.    There is a saying, "Show, don't tell." This means that instead of flat-out describing a character's personality, their name, how they look, or how they feel in the narrative, one should reveal all this by showing how they look, feel, or act through the dialogue and actions made by that character. For example, instead of saying, "My name is Billy Joe Winkle," in the narrative, you could reveal their name by what other people call him, or by the name that's written on the objects he possesses.   Another example is instead of saying, "She had long, black hair and chocolate-brown eyes," you could reveal how the girl looks by saying, "She cast her chocolate brown eyes to the ground, her fingers twisting themselves in her long mane of black hair." It ultimately makes your writing more interesting, and it gives better visuals of a character.  You used the mirror method in describing the appearances of both Anne and Sophine, and while this is ok, it isn't typically the best method to use. Especially not for more than one character.   You did show rather than tell to some extent, but there were parts where you did do more telling than showing. For instance, it was a bit unnecessary in Alec's first chapter for the narrative to say he was 13, when only a little bit later he tells the guard that same piece of information.   Other than that, I like what you have. Maybe you could include the name of the speaker at the beginning of each chapter, so that the reader will know immedietly who's perspective their reading through? But, yeah, good job with what you've got. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me, and I'll do my best to answer. Also, as a reminder, don't worry about returning the favor. All the stuff I have posted on this site were uploaded four years ago, so they aren't a very accurate representation to the way I write now.   I hope you found any of this helpful. Keep writing, and I'll keep an eye open for any further updates you make. :)

on May. 1 2014 at 9:10 am
CNBono17 SILVER, Rural, South Carolina
5 articles 0 photos 248 comments

Favorite Quote:
Lego ergo sum (Latin&mdash;I read, therefore, I am)<br /> The pen is mightier than the sword&mdash;unknown<br /> Don&#039;t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity&mdash;1 Timothy 4:12

The story's great, and I'll definitely be waiting to see how it plays out:) A few things, though. At the beginning of each chapter, you could include the name of the speaking character in the title. It takes a minute to figure out who's talking. This isn't as much of a problem with Alec, but Sophine and Anne have incredibly similar styles of speaking. Also, dividing the first few chapters into paragraphs would help with the flow of the piece. It's very good, though:)

MZeke BRONZE said...
on Apr. 25 2014 at 1:39 pm
MZeke BRONZE, Stillmore, Georgia
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments
Sorry that did not format right. After the dialouge just hit enter to separate the talking from what happens next.

MZeke BRONZE said...
on Apr. 25 2014 at 1:38 pm
MZeke BRONZE, Stillmore, Georgia
2 articles 0 photos 7 comments
This is very intense for something that's short. One thing I noticed is that you need to separate the dialouge from the descriptions. I used to do the same thing and it's hard to think of when you get a thought going and you just want to keep writing. For example: "Come on, Anne," she said choking back sobs. "in you go." I hessitated for a few moments, but finally climbed into the cold earth. See what I mean? The story is good though.

Dujjo BRONZE said...
on Apr. 14 2014 at 11:59 am
Dujjo BRONZE, Glasgow, Kentucky
4 articles 0 photos 16 comments

Favorite Quote:
&quot;Does giving really mean hospitality, Or does caring for people? I think the latter. &quot;<br /> I know it&#039;s a random quote but I love it all the same!!!

Okay, thanks! I love constructive criticisim so if you see anything else wrong be sure to tell me!

on Apr. 11 2014 at 6:41 pm
TheNobleSavage, Frisco, Texas
0 articles 0 photos 7 comments
I can't wait to see this story play out! But a couple things that I noticed: your chapter lengths feel a bit short to me; if you could add some more details or action to beef them up it would really help.