I don't know if you're still on TeenInk, but where is the other novel you wrote?

I think there is an editing option near the deleting option.

@Sparaxis You can do whatever you want! This is literally the first full length story I've written, so it means a lot that so many people liked it. Looking back on it, it isn't the best, but I can live with that because it shows me how far I've come. There's no need to be afraid of writing anything, because writing's full of uncertainties and it's really impossible to be sure of anything. The important thing is just to write.

I'm still trying to do that. I'm deciding if I should write this one story I'm planning on (yes, it's about gaming), or if I should write a fanfiction first just to make sure.

What an interesting story plot! This well written novel could've only come from someone with quite a bit of experience in writing. You were very descriptive, and your vocabulary is impressive! I wouldn't change a thing.

I didn't read all of it but it sounds really interesting! Hope I have the time to read it in the near future.

@kingofwriters Thank you so much! I am hoping to expand this story soon, but you might have to wait a bit :)

Feedback's on the thread! After reading this, I REALLY want more of the story! The imagery was absorbing and the concept is incredibly inventive and has a TON of potential. Are you planning on expanding this at all?

Whoa, this is incredible! The fact that the story actually took place in a computer game is just genius! I love the creativity and your way of describing the scenes and the emotions of the characters. I hope there even more after this, I can't wait to read it! :D

Thank you for your input! As of right now, I am working on a new part, although that will likely not be posted for awhile yet.

This is amazing. Thank you for the read--will there be anymore or is it just a one-time thing for this character?

Hmm. I don't think so...I think that you'll just have to edit it on Word or something and then submit a new version. If you do resubmit I'd love to read it, though! Good luck!

@BreeZephyr Thank you so much! I really appreciate the honest criticism from everyone ^^ I would really like to get editing right away, but is there a possible option for doing that on Teen Ink besides deleting, then reposting? If so, let me know.

Hey Jtatsu. Read the book and love the story! The premise is amazing--how did you think of that? Anyway, I told you I'd leave some constructive feedback, so since I have both some praise and some criticism, I'll just get the criticism out of the way so I can talk about what I loved about this story: -The first paragraph. Opening a story by describing a picturesque landscape is nice, but it's also been done to death, and your story is so unique that I'd hate for anyone to just assume that it's like all the others bc of the first few sentences. Plus, the happy description is misleading, since your protagonist is not all too happy. Remember, you're speaking from her point of view. A person shackled in chains is not likely to spout purple prose for no reason. Make her description match her personality and attitude. -Lilith. It's mentioned later that she's some kind of caretaker for the main character, but that's not made clear until the backstory. Instead, in the first chapter, she's described as a "matron" whom the protagonist only knows the name of bc of her nametag. I had no idea that they had a personal backstory until later. If they have a history (Lilith being Aster's sister and all), wouldn't the main character know her name not because of her nametag but because they'd had enough interaction to have exchanged names? - Yes, the description about the glass table shattering under the weight of emotions cheapens the effect of the protagonist's pain. I think someone else gave a pretty good suggestion in place of that. -A couple of the phrases seemed a little familiar to me...for example, "Take me to your leader"? That's something that aliens apparently say when they arrive on earth, right? And "Search your heart, you know it to be true" sounds a lot like something Darth Vader said to Luke after the famous "I am your father" line. Ok, so now that I've gotten that out of the way, here's some stuff I loved about this book: -Keeping Code's name from us until the end. It added to the mystery of the story, and I enjoyed wondering about the protagonist. -The Virus thing! I loved that! Imagining how a personified virus would be viewed in a gaming system was a really interesting idea. -Your handle on the mechanics of your world. The infinite lives, the death room, the feeling of being controlled by someone else...all very well executed. The description of Code trying to die over and over with no apparent reason made me envision a glitchy game, which is what I think you were going for. Code's wry comments on how this must have looked to the player was a great touch, too. So anyway, overall, this was a great concept and you wrote extremely well. Hope my feedback was helpful, and I definitely hope you write more stories like this!

I posted more but they aren't showing yet I posted them private and I have to wait for them so they should be better.

@jamie. I'm glad you liked it!

OMG you are definatly a better writter than I am lol I am working on it though... The story is great everything you did was amazing you really grabbed my attention with the summary that was great and the story itself I could never compare to it I think you did a very excellent job.

@Sharkbait Thank you for the honest feedback! I appreciate it :)

Wow. This is a really mesmerizing story, having kept my attention through to the very end. I'm not much of a game person, but it was really interesting to think that each game has so many lives in it. I think that this would be worthy to publish when it's done, but I have a few things I must mention. First off, the first paragraph was a little confusing and out of place. I can see why you had it there, but it might help to intertwine the ideas from the first paragraph with the rest of that chapter: it kind of takes the focus off of the point that the first chapter should convey. Also, the very last sentence of chapter two was kind of disappointing. I mean, I was basically dissolved in the story, all throughout the chapter and then BOOM, the suspense just dropped. 'probably under the weight of so many emotions' seems like it's not really showing her actual emotion. Maybe something like 'the emotion boiled over in me like I was on fire. When I finally calmed down, I realized the glass table was completely shattered.' Not saying you have to change it, but the way it's written now kind of disrupts the flow of the story. I don't know if that's what Amai-kun was referring to with the 'sentence or two', but those are really the only things I think that weren't perfect. Okay, so I'm done with the advice part of this comment. The piece as a whole, and really each individual chapter, shows such fantastic description that I honestly could picture everything from the mountains to the way the 'virus' was running. I really liked how it showed a different side to the game world as people see it, and it seems really meaningful, in a strange way. Looking at it at first, I never would have thought to read it, but I'm beyond glad that it did. I really hope you keep writing this story and let me know when you come up with new chapters. Everything about you're writing seems so precise and intentional... You have a true talent!

It's rather overall. I can't really give examples of where because it's just a sentence or two in most places. Just thinning it out a bit. Of course, you shouldn't take my opinion too seriously, since it's just one out of ten or so, and everyone else likes it.