I anxiously wait in my cold, gray desk for my name to be called. I’ve never been more nervous in my entire life. My hands and feet are numb, and it seems like I’m in a silent movie. I can see everything, but there’s no sound. My head is pulsing; it’s being pounded by imaginary mallets. However, between the beats of my racing heart, I hear bits and pieces of conversations around me. One particular conversation that holds my best interest is between a girl with long, blonde, curly hair and green eyes and a boy with short, brown hair, that is gelled into small spikes, and brown eyes. At the moment, I cannot seem to remember either of their names.
        I hear the boy saying things like, “brother told… girl… went in… never came out.”
        This makes me all the more nervous. What if that’s going to be me? I’m sitting there like a pig waiting for slaughter, when I hear my name, or at least something that sounds like my name. I hesitantly get up and begin to walk towards a heavy copper door my test distributor is standing in front of. I see something peculiar inside the testing room: two rather large men, dressed in black from head-to-toe, cleaning what appeared to be blood off the testing chair. Also, I notice that the tall, skinny, brunette girl, who went in before me, never came out. I try to swallow but I cannot. It feels as if my throat is made of sandpaper.
        The test distributor notices that I’m trying to fight back tears. As I walk past her, she says, “Don’t worry, honey. It’s okay. Everything’s okay. Nothing to worry about.”
        Her comment doesn’t help, so I force my suddenly dry lips to smile the least pathetic smile I can muster. “I know. I’m not worried.” That’s a lie, and I know it. Truth is, I’m absolutely losing my mind.
        I go into the room and sit down on the chair, a futon-type piece of furniture. I do not know why I’m so worried,
3
we are mandated by the government to take this test every year. Maybe it is that, now that I am sixteen, the test actually counts. Yep. That is exactly the problem.
        The test distributor stands next to me and recites the purpose, history, regulations, and precautions of the test. She says all this like she has millions of times previous to this test. After she finishes, she goes to another heavy copper door on the other side of the room. When she opens the door, there’s a dark room with about six or seven computers, I guess, for testing purposes. Just as the door is closing, I see the two men dressed in all black who were previously cleaning blood off the chair that I currently sit in.
Oh. My. God. I am sitting in the chair where blood was not even ten minutes ago…
Anyways… I overheard one saying, “I don’t know, man. She looks like someone who isn’t gonna pass.” The other scarily buff man replies in rough voice, “Yeah, I guess. I ain’t sayin’ you’re wrong, but I think you’re wrong. She’s gonna pass.”
Then, I’m instructed to lie down and close my eyes. Only by fear do I do these things. As I do, something cold and hard hastily wraps itself around my waist, ankles, and wrists. I wait and wait; and, suddenly, I feel a slight pinch on top of my hand. The pinch slowly grows to a sharp ping of pain that stimulates the feeling of a knife precariously being dug and screwed into my sensitive flesh. I unsuccessfully open my eyes to attempt to see what’s causing the pain. I eventually open my eyes only to see a man; no, not a man, more a shadowy figure than a man.
Slowly creeping towards me with a knife in one hand and a handkerchief in the other.
Last thing I remember, my mouth is being tied shut with the handkerchief; then, it goes black…
4

When I finally open my eyes, I’m no longer in the testing room, but in another room almost exactly identical to the original room I’d been in, except this room has a small table in the corner with test tubes and scientific equipment on it. I see the shadowy figure talking to the scientist at the lab table. The scientist is a tall, lanky man with short, curly, dirty blonde hair and brown eyes. He’s wearing black, lace up shoes, khaki slacks, a green and blue checker board button down shirt, and a once white lab coat.
        Periodically, they look over towards me. Once I am able to hear, I hear the scientist say in a suave, sleek voice, “Everything’s looking really good. I just wish you wouldn’t scare those kids so badly. I mean is really necessary?” the shadowy figure of a man realizes mid-word that this is a rhetorical question, so he begins to creep over towards me again. As he slowly makes his way over, he says, “I’m gonna check on the girl. She should be waking up by now.” I fearfully close my eyes and begin to slowly open them again like I’m just waking up.
        Once we’re adjacent to each other, he says, “You passed. Congrats!” He unlatches the restraints around my waist, ankles, and wrists. I immediately sit up and ask a question that I know is an immense mistake as soon as the words the leave my lips: “What was the purpose of scaring me so bad? Huh?” the scientist can tell that the question angers the figure, so he says, “Oh, nothing. Um… We just do it to test your reflexes. But, don’t worry, Hun. This was the last time you’ll ever have to take the test.”
         "You know you could just use one of those little hammers doctors use. I mean seriously! You wouldn't be able to see if my reflexes work because you had me bound to the chair. I was also sedated."
         "We are required to see if you can or cannot fight the medicine. The government requires us to, so, if you have a problem, be my guest and bring it up with the government."
5
         "I might just do that, then."
        I quickly stand up and begin to walk to the door, when suddenly I feel like I did when I was a child playing on the merry-go-round. My stomach drops, and there’s a great deal of pressure on my head. My knees buckle under my weight and I feel as if I’m going to throw up. The scientist is able to catch me just before my body comes smashing to the ground. I must have blacked out from the pain because I don’t remember anything after the scientist caught me and said to the figure, “Come help me.--- Hun, don’t worry. It’ll be okay. Just keep your focus on my eyes.” Those big, brown, doe-like eyes. His eyes are the last thing I see.

6

I wake up in a hospital bed in the same room. The scientist is sitting next to me, asleep. I sit up only to find that there are three or so needles up and down my arm. I also discover there’s a bandage around my head. I wince like a puppy who has been bitten by fire ants. This wakes up the scientist who’s no longer wearing his slacks, button down, and lab coat, but gray sweatpants, orange and yellow sneakers, and a white t-shirt that peeks out from underneath his royal blue hoodie that has something written on it; but, I can’t make out what it says. He begins reassuring me that everything is okay, that I only passed out from the pain. The words he spoke could’ve mattered less; it’s his voice that truly soothes me.
        He stands up and gets me a glass of water that I choke down. He sits back down and asks me if I’m okay. I say yes. I wait until I sense it’s the right time and ask him my question that’s been racking my brain for what seems like an eternity.
        “What was the test? Like what happened after I had been sedated?”
        He replies, “Listen. You didn’t hear this from me, but the shadowy figure man cut your wrist to get a DNA sample. Then, a surgeon came in and removed the right half of your brain and replaced it with a special government manufactured right brain lobe.”
        I don’t understand. “Why?” I ask.
        “The government doesn’t believe individuals should have their own creative way of thinking.”
        “What’s so wrong with creative thinking?”
        “I don’t know. Governments are just odd like that.”
          "I just can't grasp why the government does this to people," I reply. "They say what they do is for the good of the people; the government says, 'You're extraordinary; be you,' but I don't understand why they say that. The government just wants everyone to be the same; they want
7
ordinary."
          The scientist looks at me for a while before answering my question. "Sometimes it takes extraordinary to recognize the ordinary." His mouth slowly spread from a suppressed smile to a look of pure joy. It’s in his eyes; his lips; his cheeks; his heart.
          There’s a moment, not even a moment; a split second where it feels as if we’re the only people in the world. But, as quickly as the feeling comes, it goes away quicker. Someone has entered the room. But who?
          "Pretend like you're asleep," the scientist quickly says. So I do.
"How's the girl?" It’s a woman's voice. Suddenly, I realize it is my test distributor.
          "She's doing good. She just woke up and asked for water, so I gave her a glass; she choked it down and went back to sleep."
          "Damn it! I was going to ask her the post-test questions. Will you ask her when she wakes up?"
          "Sure. I'll let you know when I get the answers."
~
        I stay in the “hospital” room for two weeks. During those two weeks, I get to know the scientist. His name is James, and he’s nineteen. I learn that he lives by himself because his mother and father moved away to give his sister a better life. James decides, after three nights, that I should not have to stay in my recovery room alone, so he moves into the room with me.
         During those two weeks, James tells me more about the test:
         "The government feels threatened by people who can creatively think. They don't want you being your own self."
        "What's so wrong with being your own self?"
        "You aren't the person they want you to be," says James.
        "But. I don't want to be anyone but myself."
8
"Me either."
One afternoon, James tells me something that I don’t need to know about my test. “After the surgeon cut open your head, he was called away for a life-threatening emergency. He left me with the responsibility of finishing your transplant.” The last thing James says to me is, “But, I couldn’t do it.”

9

Two weeks have gone by; I have to leave. As I check out of recovery, I’m given a card of citizenship: ‘Name, Ronnie Vicks. Age, sixteen. Gender, female. Hair Color, blonde. Eye Color, blue.’ I don’t want to go home. My parents have most likely forgotten about me. James says that I’m not safe anymore considering what happened during my test, so I go home with James.
        “Home sweet home.” He says as we walk through the chestnut door. James’ apartment is on the third floor of a six floor building. 317; my new home.
        Apartment 317 is a small one bedroom, one bathroom haven that has a kitchenette, brown couch, and matching brown chairs. There’s a small, glass coffee table in front of the couch, and, in front of the coffee table, there’s a large, chestnut bookcase. It looks like there are, at a minimum, one thousand books all different colors, lengths, materials, texture, and sizes. There’s also a small, two-person, chestnut breakfast table between the kitchenette and the living room. James' room is very confined. All there’s room for is a queen-sized bed, which has red and white bedding, two petite, chestnut dresser, and his hexitube. It’s small and a little cramped, but also homey.
        “Look, Ronnie, I know it’s not much, but it’s what I like to think of as home.”
        That’s the first time he has said my name. My actual name. Being enamored, I don’t realize I say that out loud.
        “What?” James says as he is fixing us dinner.
“Oh, I just asked where you want me to put my stuff?” immediately following the question, all I can do is congratulate the epic save I just made.
        “Uh… You can put it in my room. I’ll take the couch.”
        “No, you don’t have to do that. I can sleep on the couch.”
        “No, no,” he replies. “You need to sleep somewhere
10
comfortable. You’re still recovering.”
        I’m James’ guest and don’t want to anger him, so I surrender the fight and go to his bedroom. As I walk towards the chestnut door, I see James’ lips grinning as he makes dinner. I then know he heard me.
        The rest of the night is a haze, much like the next few weeks. All I remember is that I can’t fall asleep. Something is in back of my mind bothering me. But what? At around eleven o’clock, I decide that trying to sleep is useless. I get out of James’ bed and walk to where he now sleeps. I have quite a lot of trouble navigating my way around the apartment in the dark. I run into this, bump into that, and knock over a few things. When I finally find the couch, James is asleep. I hastily make the decision to crawl onto the couch with him. Not because I want affection, but because the tile floor is so cold it’s beginning to make my feet hurt. Once I feel his body’s heat against my back, I know in that moment in time I am safe.
        Unexpectedly, James says, “Bad dreams keep you up?” And, with that, he wraps his arms around me and holds me close.
        I reply, “Yeah,” but that’s only half of it.

11

I wake up the next morning lying in James’ bed; he’s next to me. He wakes up about five minutes after me. We both lethargically lay in bed for an hour or so before getting up. James makes scrambled eggs, crispy yet tender bacon, wheat toast, and I make fresh orange juice.
        After we eat our delicious, home-cooked breakfast, James and I go to my parents’ house and gather my toiletries, clothes, and any other necessities. We then return to apartment 317.
        When back at James’ home, I try to eat at least half of the turkey sandwich he makes me. I know, mainly because James keeps reminding me, that nutrition is important for my recovery. We live together in peace. Until, one day, the shadowy figure of a man comes to the chestnut door creating a barrier between the real world and our perfect world. He repeatedly knocks; first softly, then the knocks grow faster and more furious.
        The outside voice says, “Open up! Now! I command you to open up this door. Open it now, and there will be no harm done.”
        James walks to open the door, but, before he reaches the door, he says to me, “Hurry! Go to my bedroom. There’s a hidden door in my closet…”
        “Open this door now!”
        “It’s behind a small bookcase. Get your stuff and go hide. Now!”
         Sensing the urgency of the situation, I run faster than I know I even can. I do exactly what I’m told. I get all my stuff together.
        “Where’s that girl? I know she’s here.”
Faster; I need to go faster. I go into James’ closet and find the bookcase.
        “She’s in here somewhere.”
         “No. Haven’t seen her since the test.”
12
         “Liar! Tell me where she is! Now!” The figure is now shouting. He’s frightening, even more than on the day of the test.
         Push over the bookcase; careful, careful. Quiet. I scramble into the secret room and successfully close the entrance just in the knick of time. The figure is in James’ room.
        “Boy, where’s that girl? She has to be here. She ain’t at her parents house and none of her friends seen her since the test. She’s gotta be here. She’s just gotta.”
         “Nope. I haven’t seen that girl… What’s her name again? Since the day she was released.”
“Fine. She’s safe this time, but not next time. You’ve officially been warned."
          The figure leaves, and James attends to business as usual. I can’t take being shoved into this tiny panic room anymore. I begin to open the door when James casually makes his way to the closet.
          "Stay in here. You need to be hidden. I'll let you know when you can come out, Ronnie."
          "Why?" I ask.
          "Just trust me." James waits ten minutes before letting me come out.
~
        “We need to leave tonight.” James says to me as he’s frantically gathering everything we will need.
        “Okay. Well, where are we going to go?” I ask.
        “I don’t know. All I know is that we can’t stay here. You’re not safe. Just pack everything you’ll need if we’re gone for up to three months.”
        “Okay. Then what?”
        “I think that I might be able to get us out of here through the testing facilities, but we have to hurry.”
        James and I hastily pack our bags. Luckily, he has two rather immense backpacks that we use to carry what
13
now is our home. Four jumpsuits, one for each season, forty meal bars, ten extra large water bottles, a box of electric firestones, and transportable sleeping mats are crammed into each of our backpacks. James burns anything that can possibly give any clue to where we’re going.
If we wish to stay hidden, we must wait for night to cover the city. It’s six o’clock and still light outside, so we would not be able to leave without drawing attention to ourselves, so we wait impatiently for night to fall.
Without so much as telling anyone where we’re going, the two of us creep through the night. Down three flights of stairs; out the back door; and, three miles through the woods. We safely get the testing facilities, but now comes the tricky part: entering the facilities without getting caught. James leads the way through the white, clean, angelic hallways. Right, right, left, right, left, left, left, right, up six flights of stairs, right, right, left, through a copper door, and we’re to the destination where we’ll escape. One problem; the platform is heavily guarded.
        We quietly enter and are, fortunately, never caught. Now, the only obstacle in our way is getting to the place where we’ll escape to our freedom.

14

James is helping me into the get-away vehicle when, suddenly, everything becomes blindingly light. Caught in our tracks. James hops into the car and speeds down the path, away from the testing facilities. We drive until we reach the town limits.
        “We can’t stay in the car. There’s bound to be a tracking device in it. We have to walk the rest of the way.”
~
        James and I walk, and walk, and walk. There are many blazing hot days and many freezing nights. We never stay in the same place for more than a day, for the fear that someone will find us.
I notice that the weather is changing. The air becomes sharp, so that, when you suck in a breath, it stings your nostrils. Days seem to grow shorter because it gets dark earlier, yet light later. Another strange thing is happening; everything’s dying. The leaves turn brown and fall to the ground; the grass also turns brown and looks as if there’s none, but only dirt. We can no longer walk silently; nothing can be hidden. We see every little creature that makes a move. James and I have become what an elephant is when it hides behind a tree: vulnerable. There’s no where for us to hide. Walking silently is like trying to blend in with the age twelve children: impossible.
Since there are hardly any places to hide during the day, James and I travel at night. The moon is our guide to freedom. While the leafless trees make it hard to travel during the day, it makes our moonlight travels at night easier.
James told me that we’re not of the firsts to escape
the restraining grasp of the government. He proceeds to tell me that he has heard rumors of a village of people who have also escaped.
        “I’m not sure if it’s true, but we have no other choice
15
than find out for ourselves,” James says.
        “Well, then, where did you hear they were camped out?” I ask.
        “I think, if I’m remembering correctly, they’re in an abandoned village about three days from here.”

16

During our sojourn to the escapey village, the world becomes more and more fallish. Everything’s dying. There are no longer any bright, beautiful greenery or foreign creatures for James and me to admire. It’s all gone; hidden from view; dying.
“Why does everything die in the fall?” I ask James.
“So that something new and more beautiful can grown in the spring. Why?”
“I’m not used to everything dying, and I just find it kind of strange that something has to die in order for it to come back.”
“You know, people are like the seasons,” James pronounces. As he says this, he laces his fingers together with mine.
“How?” I shyly ask.
“Take you for example: you have always been beautiful, like spring and summer. I promise you I’m telling the truth. I’ve seen you around, and I’ve always watched you because you’re beautiful. Then, once I met you, I realized that something was dying in you; getting ready for a marvelous change. Now, I see it. Fall and winter have finished changing you, and what’s left is a beautiful, intelligent, compassionate girl; and, her name is Ronnie Vicks.”
I don’t know what comes over me, but I feel this sudden urge to run. Not run away from James, but to run and hope he follows. I do. I run from tree to tree, brush to brush; laughing as he chases me. We look like the age four kids playing the catching game.
Suddenly, I stop.
“What’s wrong, Ronnie?” James asks.
I don’t say anything; I stand board stiff. I’m unable to move, but I don’t know why. I want to move more than anything, but I can’t; it feels like my feet are stuck in the
white stuff used to make sidewalks.
17
“What is it?” I’m finally able to ask the question that keeps playing over and over in my head like a broken music drive.
“What’s what?” James asks. “What’re you pointing at?”
“I don’t know,” I answer.
“It, it looks like the town we’re trying to get to. But, wait. Where’s the people? Where’s anything? All it is a bunch of charred fabric.”
When the feeling comes back to my legs, I immediately turn around and run to James. I fling my arms around him and begin to sob. Neither of us say a word, much less make any noises. My body goes limp, so that the only thing holding James and me upright is him. I let go of James and fall to the ground with the crunching sound leaves being crushed.
Eyes shut and sobbing, I feel a warm embrace encase my body.
“Shhhh.” It’s James. “It’s okay. We’ll be okay. Okay? It’s okay. Don’t worry about anything. Okay?”
It’s this that I love so dearly about James. I clench his jumpsuit and cry; no, not cry; sob. I sob body-rocking sobs.
“I’m scared,” I mumble. “I’m scared that the government found the escapies, and that’s why nobody’s there. Because the government came and killed them and burned the village; and, now, they’re looking for us so they can do the same thing, James. What if they’re right by us, as we speak, getting ready to kill us? Huh.”
“Ronnie, listen to me. Okay?” He brushes the hair off of my soaked face and wipes it off. “We’re fine. Okay? We are fine. You hear me?”
“Yeah,” I gasp in between heaving sobs.
“You okay, Ronnie?” James asks.
“Yeah. I’m fine.”
“Good. It’s starting to get light. Let’s set up camp. You need some sleep.”
18
“No,” I choke. “No, let’s just keep going. I don’t want the government to find us.”
I wipe the tears away from my face with the heel of my hand. Then, I stand up, uneasy, and begin to walk in the direction of the decaying shantytown. James runs up behind me and grabs my waist, stopping me in my tracks.
“No,” he says, “Please, let’s just stay here. Ronnie, I’ll watch and make sure nobody comes, and, if they do, I promise I’ll let you know.”
I’m hesitant in my answer, but I finally say, “Okay, but you have to promise—no, not promise; swear to tell me if anyone comes. I’m trusting you.”
With that, I fall asleep.

19

I’m awakened by quite rough gestures, only to find that it’s still light outside. I begin to try and ask James what’s going on, but no sound is projected into earshot; my mouth is covered by a man’s dirty, burly hand. My wrists are restrained from movement with rope, binding them  together, same as my ankles.
        I quickly begin to search around for any sign that James is nearby; he’s not. Panic settles inside me like rocks settle in water. My first instinct is to fight against the strange force restraining me, but I soon determine that would be unwise. I suddenly remember something I’d been taught in school. It was: if you’re for any reason captured, do not try and fight your attacker. Go with what they want you to do, and you’ll be found, for there’s a locator chip inside all of your jumpsuits. We’ll be able to find you.
        But, wait. That won’t help because James and I took the chips out before we left so the government couldn’t find us. I don’t fight the figure; I go along with what it wants me to do. For a fleeting second, I’m able to steal a glance at the figure. It’s dressed in all black, but it looks very familiar…
        I don’t know where I’m going, but I know this: I’m being carried, hands and feet bound together, towards I don’t know what, going I don’t know where. I repeatedly tell myself: Don’t worry. There’s nothing to worry about. When in reality, there’s so much to worry about. I’m suddenly caught off guard by being thrown into a vehicle onto something hard.
        Sometime goes by, then James’ and my backpacks
are carelessly flung into the vehicle on top of me and the strange object I’m lying on. Then, the vehicle starts, and we jerk forward. We drive for what seems like an eternity, when the object I’m laying on begins to move and groan. I half roll, half shimmy off of the object, and it immediately sits up, board stiff.
20
        “Whatever, or whoever you are I just want to warn you don’t try to hurt because I’m armed,” I say. But I’m not armed. Well, unless you count my shoes as a weapon, then I’m not armed.
        “Ronnie?” The object mumbles.
        “How do you know my name? Who are you?” I splutter.
        “Ronnie, it’s me. James.”
The object is James. The fist that has apparently been clenching my insides releases, and I feel a great load of pressure being taken off my chest.
        “James? Is that really you? What are you inside? How can I help you out?”
        “I’m in this like bag kinda thing. My wrists and ankles are bound. Are yours?”
        “Yeah. I think there’s a knife in my backpack. Can you help me find them?”
        “Okay. Do you feel me?”
        “Yeah.”
        “Okay. Well, crawl over towards me, and then go straight behind me. Both bags are there. You got it? Okay. That’s my knee. Okay. My chest. Okay. Dead ahead.”
I fumble around for the bags, but I finally find one and open the front pocket. I’m slightly terrified to be feeling around for a knife in the complete darkness, but it has to be done if we want to escape.
        Suddenly, I feel a cool surface: the knife. I pick it up and hold it between my feet and begin sawing through the rope around my wrists. Once my wrists are free, I cut the rope on my ankles and then cut James’ restraints.
        “What’s the plan now?” I ask.
        “Well –get your backpack –if we can open up this back door, we can jump and make a run for it.”
        “Are you sure that will work?”
        “I’m positive. Now, I just need someway to see
21
where we are. Do you see a window anywhere?”
        “No. Wait. What’s that?” There’s a strip of something golden on the wall.
        “Jackpot!” James says, and in my head I imagine him pumping his fist forward and back.
        “We are still in the woods. And, and…”
        “’And, and…’ what?! What is it, James?” I half scream.
        “Smoke!” James also half screams. “Smoke. I see smoke. We’re near that escapey village I was telling you about. I’m positive.”
        “Well, should we wait until we get closer and then jump?” I ask.
        “No. If we don’t jump now, we’ll never get a chance to jump. Help me find a way to open up the door.”
        “I feel a latch. Will this help?” I guide James’ hands towards the latch.
        “Yeah!” says James. Then, he kisses me on the cheek. “Next time, I won’t miss.” I imagine two things: one, James winking when he says he won’t miss, and, two, the feeling of what it will be like to kiss James.
        “Now, we need to see what kind of barrier is separating us and the people driving.” There’s an umpf, and then James says, “it’s a solid wall with no holes or windows. Okay, Ronnie?”
        “Yeah. I’m fine. It’s just a little hot in here.” I wonder why he’d asked this, when I realize it is because I’m clutching the side of his jumpsuit.
        “Okay. Well, then can you let go, please?”
        “Oh, yeah. Sorry.”
        “It’s okay. So, here’s the plan: we’re going to unhook the latch, climb out onto to the back of the vehicle, close the door, jump, and run. You got it?”
        “Yeah.”
        “Alright?”
        22
“Yeah. I’m good.”
        “Come here, Ronnie.” I do. James wraps his soft, warm arms around me and squeezes, so I wrap my arms around him and bury my head in his shoulder.
        We stay like this for only a few moments, then James says, “Let’s go.”

23

James unhooks the latch, and we follow our plan. Everything goes smoothly, until it comes time to jump. I’m afraid of jumping off moving objects, like any sane person would be, but not James. He seems more ready to jump than a child ready to open their one gift on Christmas. I stand on the edge of the back of the vehicle trembling, waiting for a bump to thrust me off.
        “You ready?” questions James.
        “Uh… What?” I can’t hear a single word he says. All I can hear is my heart beating in every fiber of my body. It’s just like the day of my test.
        “I said, ‘You ready?’ Are you okay, Ronnie? You don’t look so good. You’re really pale.”
        “Yeah. I’m fine. Let’s just jump before I change my mind.” Honestly, I’ve already changed my mind, but I know that we must jump.
        “Alright,” James says, hesitantly. “On three. One, two…” I don’t hear him say three, but I jump when he does.
        Next thing I know, my body comes smashing down on the ground, tumbling on rocks, and sticks, and leaves. As soon as my vision stops spinning, I stand up and immediately begin looking for James. He’s lying on the ground a few feet away, and he’s also trying to regain balance. He finally stands up, and we both begin to waddle towards each other.
        When we eventually reach each other, James says, “Now that wasn’t too bad, was it?”
        “No,” I giggle. “It was actually kinda fun.”
        “Okay. Well, I hate to say it, but we can’t do it again because we need to move, fast.”
        “Right. Which way do we go?”
        “Left, I think.” James points in the direction that the smoke came from.
        “So, how far is it?”
24
        “I don’t think very far. Maybe one, two days walk, but we need to head that way fast, so we don’t get caught, again.”
        “Then, let’s go.” I begin to walk towards the hill in the direction that the smoke came from.
        “Woah! Where are you going?” James questions.
        “Where do you think? I’m going to the escapey village before anyone sees us, like you said,” I answer.
        “Ronnie, let me look at you. I just want to make sure you’re okay.”
        “I’m fine. Let’s just go before those guys realize we’re gone.”
        “No. No you’re not. Your arm is bleeding, and your jumpsuit is ripped along the back.”
        “Really. I’m fine. Let’s go, please.”
        I guess that James can tell I’m getting antsy because he walks towards me, and we begin our travel to the village.
~
        Two days seem to be a day that will never come. Time moves so slow I feel as if it doesn’t move at all. It seems like night and day run together, nothing differentiating the two. At some point during the escapade, it’s beginning to grow dark, when James noticed something strange. There are two lights growing bigger and bigger by the second. We quickly distinguish the lights as the front lights on a vehicle like the one we were captured in.
        “Quick, Ronnie! Run towards that dip in the ground!” James yells.
        We run to the dip in the forest floor, and, just in the knick of time, jump in and are hidden from view.
        “Are they going to find us?” I ask in a panic.
        “No. It’ll be okay. They won’t find us,” James comforts me, embracing my body and holding tight.
        The lights are growing bigger. The vehicle is getting closer. Soon, it’s upon us. James and I freeze; neither
25
of us make a single movement, I don’t even think either one
of us breathed. The vehicle slowly passes, I guess so it could survey the terrain. After it has passed, I begin to ask James a question, but he swiftly puts his hand over my mouth and brings his finger to his lips. I understand. Then, he holds up ten fingers, which signals we will wait ten minutes before moving.
        Not much time has passed when a group of maybe four or five men, who looked like they are in the GA (Government Army), walks past us. Now, I know why James wanted to wait. He understands the government more than I do, and he must have expected the men to come walking by. They pass, and I look at James. He holds up five fingers; five minutes. Five long minutes. We wait. Five minutes passes, and James gets up first, looks around, and helps me up.
        “We have to move faster. I don’t think any more GAs are going to come by, but we better go just incase they do,” James says.
        “How far away are we?” I ask him.
        “Only about half a day’s walk, but, if we hurry, we might be able to make it by the time morning comes.”
        “Well, then, let’s go. I don’t particularly want to get thrown back into one of those vehicles again. It was really terrifying,” I say trying to suppress the memory.

26

James and I reach the top of the hill about three hours before sunrise. I can see the valley that lies below: the escapey village. We made it. We finally made it. I look in James’ direction, and he looks in mine.
        “Ready for the rest of our lives to begin?” he asks.
        “Yeah. Are you?” is my response.
        “As ready as anyone will ever be. Let’s go make the best of what’s left of our lives.”
        I reach for his hand, and he willingly gives it to me. I breathe in and squeeze James’ hand; then, we run…
~
        At the bottom of the hill, James continues running, but I stop. This abruptly jerks him back, for our hands are still clasped together.
        “What is it, Ronnie?” James asks me.
        “I just want to stop running from our old lives and enter this life calm and walking.”
        “Then, shall we?” James gestures with his hand for us to walk forward.
        “Not yet. There’s something I want to do,” I answer.
        “What would that be?”
        “This.” And, with that, I kiss him on the lips.
        “Okay. Can we do that again?” James asks.
        I giggle, “Yes, but not here.”
        “Where?”
        “Let’s find a place to stay first.”
        “Okay. Well, where do we find that? I don’t see any visitor slumber houses around here.”
        “We go to the center of the village, explain ourselves, and hope someone will be nice enough to let us stay with them.”
        We arrive to the center of the village just as the sun is rising. People are beginning to come out of their
homes and move towards, what I guess, is the dining
27
building. One woman, who is my height, has long, brown hair, and grayish-blue eyes, is accompanied by four small children.
        “Excuse us, ma’am,” I say.
        “Yeah,” the lady answers.
        “Um, I… we were wondering if there was anyone that we could stay with. See we–” She cuts me off.
        “Look, I don’t need to hear your life story. You’re more than welcome to stay with me. As long as you can help me take care of the children.” The lady gestures to all of the young girls and boys playing around her.
        “Yes ma’am. We can help with anything you need us to. We just need a place to stay until we can get a feel for the community and get a place of our own,” I answer.
        “Okay. Well, my name is Lydia, and these are my quadruplets Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston.” The lady, Lydia, seems extremely friendly and harmless.
        “Hi guys,” I reply. “My name is Ronnie, and this my… uh…”
        “Her friend. I’m James. Very nice to meet you,” adds James.
        I turn to James and give him a silent thank you.
        “Come get in line with us, Wonnie,” Via tugs on my jumpsuit.
        “Via, it’s Ronnie; with rrrrr. Say it with me, Rrrr-onnie,” says Lydia.
        “Rrrr-wonnie,” says Via mimicking her mother.
        “Wonnie is perfect,” I answer, winking at Lydia. “I like that a lot better than Ronnie. Don’t you think so, James?” I look in James’ direction, and, to my amazement, he’s kneeling on the ground so that he can play with Lucas and Weston.
        “What? Oh. Uh… yeah. I like that a lot better,
Wonnie.”
        Via smiles to show her approval.
28
        “So, Wonnie, what do you want to do? Eat or get settled in,” James grins.
        “I say get settled in. Lydia, is that okay with you? Can we go back to your house and get settled?”
        “Yeah. You saw which house I came out of? Right? Good. So, you’re gonna go in and walk past the family room and turn right. It’s the first room on your left,” Lydia instructs.
        “Okay. Thank you so much for helping us, Lydia,” I answer. “Let’s go, James.”
        We walk to the small shack-like structure made of decaying wood that Lydia, Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston call home. James and I enter the house and follow Lydia’s instructions. We soon find ourselves in the room that she had told us about.
~
        “So, Miss Wonnie,”says James. “I’m still waiting. You said to be continued after we find a place to stay. Well, we’ve found a place.”
        “Okay,” I reply, trying to sound sarcastically annoyed. “Come here.”
        James and I take off our backpacks and place them on the chairs on either side of the small, wooden table in the corner of the room. I reach over towards James and beckon him to come near. When we’re finally touching, I grab his hands and pull him closer to me, and he pulls me closer to him.
        “I love you, Ronnie Vicks,” James says.
        “And I love you, James… um, I don’t know your last name,” I answer.
“It’s James Wilds.”
        “Well, then, I love you, James Wilds.”
        “Good because I don’t want us to ever be apart. I
love you so much Ronnie, and I can finally see in the dark,
emptiness of this thing I call my life. You know why? I can
29
see because a beautiful light came in and lit the path and
diminished the demons of my past… You’re the light, Ronnie. You are the beauty that is so beautiful that the demons of my past became vulnerable, and then you diminished them when you let me in your life because my past no longer matters. All that matters now is my future, your future, our future. Neither of our pasts matter anymore; the good, the bad, the painful. Nothing matters. And, if it does, I don’t care. I don’t care because it’s the past and that means that is has already happened, and it can’t be changed, but that’s okay. It’s okay because, when people are truly in love, nothing from eithers’ pasts can hurt that feeling.”
        “James. I… I…”
        “It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.”
        I don’t. All I do is stand there, looking at James, who’s looking at me.
        “Please come here,” says James. “Come here and let me show you why I think you’re beautiful.”
        I lay my head on James’ shoulder and hug him, and he hugs me back. He brings my head up to meet his eyes, cups my face in his strong, soft hands, and says “I love you, Ronnie. I hope you know that, and I hope you know that whatever happens to you, happens to me too. We’re in this together. No matter what.”
        “I know,” is my only response.
        Then, James kisses me. I tense momentarily, and I guess that James notices because he lifts his hands from my lower back to my shoulder blades. I relax, put my arms around James’ neck, and run my fingers through his hair.
        He stops a moment and asks, “Good?”
        “Yeah,” I respond. “I just…”
        “Yeah. Okay,” James replies sympathetically and understanding. “Yeah. I don’t want to scare you. Just let me know if we’re going too fast.”
30
        “I love you, James.” And, I kiss him. He must have been confused because his body tenses, but then quickly relaxes. I hold his hands, then guide them to my hips and place them there. I then resume my position of my arms on James’ shoulders and running my fingers through his hair. The feeling is back. The feeling that we’re the only two people in the world; it fills me up. It courses through every vein in my body. It fills and warms me. Suddenly, James picks me up like you would when you’re talking to a small child about something serious. He carries me to the edge of the bed and sits down.
        “Too fast?” James asks.
        “No. This is perfect,” I answer.
        James and I stay like this for only a few moments, then I take off my shoes, and so does he, so we won’t get dirt all over the bed that belongs to Lydia, also so we won’t get dirt where we have to sleep. We resume kissing, until the sound of a door opening interrupts the silence. Then, we hear four little voices all saying something simultaneously. James and I stop kissing and look at each other. The sound of voices and feet grows louder, which means the children and Lydia are coming closer.
        “The door’s closed, so we don’t have to worry about anything,” I say to James.
We resume kissing, but are soon interrupted by Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston.
        “Hiya, James,” says Lucas.
        “Hey, Lucas. Hi, Weston,” responds James.
        “Hi, Wonnie,” says Via.
        “Hi, Via and Meredith,” I reply.
        Meredith doesn’t say anything, but she looks up at me and James and smiles.
        “Mere doesn’t talk,” says Via.
“Oh. Well, you know what? That’s okay,” I answer.
Lydia then walks in behind the children and says, “Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston. What in God’s name are you
31
doing? I told you to go and clean up your room.” She sees
James and me and says, “Come on. Leave them alone– I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Really. It’s fine. They weren’t disturbing us. They just wanted to say ‘hey’,” I add.
“Are you sure?” asks Lydia.
“Yeah. They’re fine,” answers James. “We were just… just…”
“Talking,” I add. “We were just talking.”
“Don’t lie to me,” Lydia winks. “Come on, kids. Go clean your room and leave James and Ronnie alone.”
Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston file out of the room, and, as the last one leaves, Lydia looked as us and mouths ‘I’m sorry’ and shuts the door.
I turn back to James, and he says, “I don’t know what we’re supposed to do now. Do we continue or what?”
“I don’t know either,” I reply.
James looks at me like he’s waiting for an answer, so I proceed kissing him. We must have sat there and kissed for a while, but I don’t care. I wanted this moment to last for as long as possible. I run my fingers through James’ hair, and his hands on my lower back pull me closer, then releases me over and over again for at least twenty minutes.
        “I’m kind of getting hungry,” I say.
        “Yeah. Me too,” James says.
        “Let’s go get breakfast, or lunch, or whatever meal time it is,” I say.
        “Okay,” responds James. Then, he lifts me up and puts me on the bed next to him. I begin to grab my shoes, but he stops me and begins to put them on for me.
        “Why, thank you, sir,” I pronounce.
        “You’re very welcome, ma lady,” James responds.
        We both stand up and begin to walk out of the room, when James scoops me up and carries me out the door like you would a baby.
32

When we walk, well I didn’t walk; I was carried, but, when James walks into the kitchen carrying me, Lydia is cooking lunch. She’s stripping squirrels of their fur coats, chopping vegetables, and boiling water.
        “When did you get married?” asks Lydia, not even looking up from what she’s doing. “Not too long ago, I’m guessing by the way you two act.”
        “Oh,” I say in surprise. “We… we never got married. I’m sixteen and he’s nineteen. Marriage between different ages is forbidden.”
        “Well, does that matter anymore, huh?” replies Lydia. “You’re no longer under the rule of the government, so why should it matter what they say? Huh? Look, here’s my opinion: get married! You two obviously love each other, so do what people do when they love each other and get married. My husband, Reed, was nineteen, and I was fifteen when we got married. I was seventeen when the quads were born. Then… That doesn’t matter…” She stops stripping the squirrel and stares at the cutting table like she’s trying to remember something.
        “Then what?” James asks.
        “Then, Reed was hunting one day, just a few days before the quads were born, and some GAs were scoping out the area, looking for escapies, and they found him.” Lydia is now softly weeping. “They killed him right then and there. They killed him and hung his body right outside the village. That night, they came back and set the village on fire. Many of us died, including Zachary.”
        “If I may ask,” I say. “Who is Zachary?”
        “Oh my. I forgot to tell you about him. Zachary was my other child. I gave birth to five children. He was sleeping, and Zach was a sound sleeper. The fire was getting closer, and I was able to wake up all the other children, but he wouldn’t wake up. I tried to pick him up, but a flaming beam fell, and I couldn’t grab him. I tried.”
33
  She looks at us, sobbing. “I tried to grab him, but I couldn’t reach him. I didn’t want to leave him, but I couldn’t die in there and leave the other children alone. So, I had to leave…”
        “I’m… I’m so sorry.” I go over to Lydia, and she puts down the squirrel and knife, wipes her hands off, and I hug her.
        She’s sobbing, but her only response is, “It was all my fault.”
        “No. No it’s not.” We sink down to the floor. “It’s not your fault, Lydia. It could’ve happened to anyone. You did the right thing.”
        She quickly stands up and resumes her cooking. “Thank you. Thank you for helping me.”
        I smile back because I don’t know what to say.

34

James and I come back from breakfast, and he’s still carrying me like he had earlier. Lydia, Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston are sitting at the small, wooden table eating their lunch of squirrel and vegetables.
        “Wonnie!”exclaims Via, through the open kitchen door, when she sees James and me coming towards the house.
        “James!” shout Lucas and Weston simultaneously.
        Meredith says nothing, as usual, but her eyes immediately brighten up the second she sees us. I think that she’s my favorite. She’s like me: shy.
        The four children get out of their chairs and begin to rush to the door to greet us, but Lydia says, “Let them come inside before you storm them.”
        James and I enter, he puts me down, and we’re greeted with the biggest hugs that five-year-olds can give.
        “Hi, guys!” I say. “How are you doing?”
        “Good,” answers Via.
        “Good,” answers Lucas and Weston. “Come sit between us, James,” adds Weston.
        Meredith says nothing. She just smiles and gives me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
        “And, Miss Meredith. You doing good? You look like you are. Is your lunch yummy?” I ask.
        She doesn’t nod, or smile, or do anything that constitutes an answer to my question. All she does is grab three of my fingers and pulls me over to her seat at the table. Meredith pats the chair, and I sit down. She then crawls into my lap and resumes eating her lunch.
        “I think that you have a new friend, Ronnie,” says James.
        “I guess I do,” I respond. “Is there anything you need our help with, Lydia?”
        “Um… Let me think,” answers Lydia. “Oh! I will
35
need your help clearing dishes after lunch. James?”
“Yes ma’am,” answers James.
        “Would you take the children to their room, after lunch, and make sure that their room is clean?”
        “I will.”
        “Thank you.” Lydia stands up and walks over to the tub of water in the corner of the kitchen. “Who’s done?”
        “Me, me, me!” chant all of the children, except for Meredith.
        “Well, then, bring your dishes to me and Ronnie.” I pick up Meredith and put her on the ground. Then, I walk over to the tub and begin to help Lydia clean the dishes. After each child drops off their dishes, they walk over to James; they then lead him to their room for inspection.
        “I cleaned the most, James,” I hear Lucas say as they walk down the hall.
        “Nah ahh!” interjects Via. “I cleaned the mostest of the woom!”
        “Room, Via,” shouts Lydia. “Room. With a rrrr. So, Ronnie, have you and James thought any more about what I said earlier?”
        “Um… Yeah,” I respond. “We were talking about it on the way back from breakfast. We decided it’d be best if we didn’t get married right now. We just need a little time to settle down. You know? We need time to stop running…”
        “I totally understand,” says Lydia. “I felt the same way when I first met Reed. But, you know for the future… Will you just come with me to my room after we finish?
        “Sure,” I answer.
        Lydia and I finish cleaning the dishes, and so I follow her to her room.
        “Let me see,” says Lydia. “Where did I put it? Where did I put it?” She rummages through her closet and dresser for only a minute before she finds what she’s been looking for: a big black box. “Here it is.”
        36
“What is it?” I ask.
        “You’ll see. Just hold your horses,” answers Lydia. “It’s my wedding dress. I had it made before I left. I was engaged to someone else, but I just couldn’t marry him, so I fled the city and brought my wedding dress with me because I knew that I’d fall in love again. And I did. But, since I don’t need it anymore I want you to wear it on your wedding day. And, if I’m correct, I still have Reed’s suit. He was about the same size as James. He can borrow that. What size shoe do you do wear?”
        “Uh… size eight. Why, Lydia?” I ask.
        “Ooooo! Me too! You can borrow my shoes. And James? Do you know?”
        “Um. Let me think. Yes, I do know. He wears a size nine.” I remember seeing the size in a pair of his work shoes when I had to hide from the shadowy figure of a man in James’ closet.
        “This is perfect! So did Reed. He can borrow his shoes.”
        “Lydia,” I say, grabbing onto her shoulders to hopefully bring her back to reality. “Nobody’s going to borrow anything because we aren’t getting married anytime soon. I’m sorry if I’m upsetting you, but it’s the truth.”
        “How do you know that?” It’s James. “How do you know that I may or may not have a ring waiting for, right here in my pocket?” He reaches into his pocket and pretends to fiddle with something.
        “James,” I stutter. “Don’t you dare be playing around with me.”
“I’m not, Ronnie.” He gets down on one knee and pulls out a small, cream box. “Ronnie –I don’t know your middle name– Vicks, will you do me the honor of marrying me?”
        “Analise. And, yes. Yes I’ll marry you, James! When did you get the ring?”
“The city.”
37

James’ proposal was the greatest surprise I’ve ever received. I had been planning on talking to him after I had heard everything Lydia had to say. It all seems so surreal. I’m having a hard time remembering everything. My name is Ronnie Vicks. I’m sixteen years old. I fled the city that used to be my home. I’m now staying in a shack-like building with a lady named Lydia and her four children named Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston. I’m engaged to James Wilds. This world doesn’t seem like more than a dream.
        “Let’s go for a walk, Ronnie,” James half asks, half commands.
        “Okay. Yeah. That’d be nice,” I answer. “We’re going for a walk, Lydia. We should be back before dinner.”
        “What? Oh… Yeah. Okay. See you then,” responds Lydia as she’s preparing dinner.
        “Is there something you want to talk about, James?” I ask as we walk out of the front door.
        “Yeah. Actually, it’s not really talking, but more showing. Follow me, and I’ll show you.”
        “What is it?”
        “It’s a surprise.”
        We walk for maybe ten minutes; then, we’re in a part of the town that has many shack-like buildings in a row.
        “What’s this?” I ask, confused.
        “Houses,” responds James.
        “Why are we looking at houses?” Then, it clicks. We’re looking at houses because we decided to get one of our own.
        “Well, we’re getting married, and I thought it’d be better if we had a place of our own. So, I found some.”
        “James, I love them, but I want to live close to Lydia.”
        “But I thought that this was what you wanted?”
38
        “It is. It is, but… but not yet. I do want this, but I don’t want it yet.”
        “Will you at least look inside? Please.”
        “Of course. Of course I will.”
        “Thank you. That’s all I ask,” James responds.
        The building looks as if it has just been built only months ago. Immediately when you walk in, there’s a flight of stairs. And to the left, there’s a beautiful family room; and to the right, there’s an eating room connected to a kitchen. If you walk past the stairs, there’s a small bathroom and a bedroom, I guess that James and I would sleep in. Upstairs, there are two bedroom connected by a bathroom.
        “For children,” James says as we walk into the first bedroom.
        He knew. He knew that I’d always dreamed of having two children. I love how he always knows exactly what I was thinking before I even know.
        “How’d you know?” I ask in astonishment.
        “How’d I know what?” he responds.
        “How’d you know that I’ve always wanted two children?”
        “I didn’t. Well, until now, but I picked it out because I’ve always wanted two children too. What gender do you want the oldest to be? On three.”
        “Boy.” We both said this in sync.
        “I’ve always wanted a boy to be my oldest and a younger daughter because I want her to have an elderly brother figure to watch her back.”
        “That’s not why I wanted a boy as my oldest, but that’s probably the best reason.”
        “I’ve always wanted to name him Cody and her Sabrina. What do you think of the names?” I ask.
        “I love them!” James responds. Then, he kisses me.

39

When we return to Lydia’s home, she’s almost done fixing dinner.
        “How was your walk?” She asks as we walk into the kitchen.
        “Good,” James responds. “We think that we’ve found a place to live.”
        “Ooooo,” says Lydia. “Tell me about it.”
        “It’s fairly new, and it has two floors, and a eating room, a family room, a medium-sized kitchen, a small bathroom on the first floor, a big bedroom downstairs for me and James, and two bedrooms joined by a bathroom upstairs,” I say.
        “It sounds perfect. Have you found a place to work yet, James?” questions Lydia.
        “Not exactly. I was going to ask for your help. You know; because you have more experience in this town than we do. So, what do you think?” asks James.
        “Young, smart,” says Lydia as she skims over James. “Strong, healthy. I say that you could probably get a job as one of the town’s programmers or inventors. They both make a pretty good share of money, which is good for a new family.”
        “Ronnie, what do you think?” James asks.
        “Inventor. You have this sort of creative aspect to you that screams inventor.” I say.
        “Then, it’s settled. Inventor it is,” exclaims James.
        We’re beginning to fall into a rhythm, a lifestyle, in our new lives. Everything’s coming up perfect, and nothing can hurt what’s in store for us.
~
        “Let’s get married in a week,” says James one afternoon while we’re babysitting the quads while Lydia is at the market.
        “Okay. I was just wondering when we were going to
40
have the ceremony,” I say.
        “Well now you know, a week from today,” answers James.
        When Lydia returns, we tell her the news, and she’s overcome with happiness when she processes the information.
        “We have to get everything ready. The food, the guests, the venue, the ceremony master. There’s just so much to do!” answers Lydia. “I’ll start right now.”
        “We don’t want anything big. Maybe just you and the quads. You have to remember we don’t really know anyone here,” I add.
        “Oh my, I forgot. Yes, yes that will make the whole process so much easier.”
        “How does this sound? We, all three of us, can start on the planning tonight after they’ve gone to sleep.” I gesture to the quads.
        “Perfect,” says James. He’s been so quiet that I almost forgot that he’s been there with us the entire time.
        “Great,” says Lydia. Her eyes are sparkling more than I’ve ever seen anyone’s eyes sparkle before.

41

Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston have gone to sleep, and Lydia has made sure they are asleep before we begin planning.
“Okay,” Lydia says. “It’s fall, so I think you should have a beautiful, outdoor ceremony. That’s all reds, yellows, and oranges. What d’ya think?” I can tell she’s anxious to get everything finalized. I am too.
“I love it!” says James. “It’s perfect. Isn’t fall your favorite season, Ronnie?”
“Uh… What?” I answer, dazed. “Yeah! I love fall!” I look at James and wink. I hope he understands the gesture.
“You are the visual representation of fall, aren’t you?” He winks back, so he must have understood.
“If you say so,” I say.
“You want a minute?” Lydia inputs. I had almost forgotten that she’s been in the kitchen with us; I’ve felt as if James and I are the only people in the whole world.
“Yeah,” James answers because he can tell I’m speechless. “That’d be great. Thanks, Lydia.” After she leaves, he turns to me and says, “You okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.” Lie.
“No. No you’re not. I know better.”
“Okay,” I cave in. “It’s just… it’s just that I started to think about what you said. You know? What you said about me being like fall because I’ve always been beautiful–” he snorts in remembrance– “how I used to be like spring and summer. Then, you met me and you noticed that I was like fall because something inside me was dying. And, now, I’m done changing and the end result is a ‘beautiful, intelligent, compassionate girl’ named Ronnie Analise Vicks. I can’t stop thinking about it. I just can’t. It just made me so happy. You know why?”
“No,” James answers, looking at me with his big, brown, doe-like eyes. “Why’s that?”
42
“Because it was the first time I realized that I truly loved you…” He keeps his gaze steady and soft. “I realized that I never wanted to know what it feels like to love someone else. Or worse, not love you at all…”
“Don’t worry about that, Ronnie. I’ll love you for as long as you love me. Even if you stop loving me, I will never stop loving you. Ever.” Then, he pulls me, by my waist, towards him and brushes my cheek with his strong, warm fingers; then runs them through my hair and slowly kisses my forehead; then in between my eyes, down to the bridge of my nose; and, finally, to my lips.
I feel a sudden flash of electricity flow through my body. Then, I close my eyes and settle into the smooth rhythm of the electric pulses of my heart touching James’ chest. I slowly run my fingers through his hair and find their rightful place: one around his side and the other over his opposite shoulder, clasping in the back.
I slowly pull away, unable to breath. “What’s wrong?” James asks, with a note of concern underneath.
“I’m fine,” I say, which is true. “I just couldn’t… I wish… I was just wondering, thinking, that maybe we should go somewhere else.”
“Yeah. Sure. Okay. If that’s what you want. I just thought something was wrong, or I upset you, or something along those lines.”
“No. I just think somewhere other than the kitchen would be more comfortable.”
We search for all of ten minutes, when we find a large, leather chair where we settle into the position of me draped across James’ lap; him hugging my back so we can allow our breaths to move in sync, our hearts to beat as one, and our minds to think the same thoughts.
“I love you so much, James,” I say during a torturous breath of our own.
“I love you so much more, Ronnie,” James parrots.
“You promise that you’ll never ever stop loving 
43
me?”
“I promise you that I’ll never ever stop loving you, Ronnie. I’ll love you with every fiber of my being; every last breath. Nothing will ever make me stop loving you.”
“Tell me again,” I whisper.
“I love you, and I always will, Ronnie. I’ll love you the rest of my life.”
“I love you so much, James. Please…” I pause, choking back tears. “…always know that I love you more than anything.” Just then, there’s a small noise that comes from the corner of the room. “Hello?” I hesitantly say, hugging close to James’ chest. “Who or what’s there?”
Suddenly: “Via… It’s me, Wonnie. It’s Via.”
“Hi, Via,” James whispers. “What’re you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be asleep?”
“Yeah, but… but… well, I heard Mommy talking about a wedding; then, I heard you talking. Are you really gonna move away from me, Wonnie?”
“No. No, I would never do that. I mean we, James and I, are going to live in a different house, but it would be right near your house. I promise not far. You would be able to walk there all by yourself.”
  “But you’re not gonna live with me? You’re gonna move away and not say ‘goodnight’ and ‘good morning’ to me anymore? You’re gonna leave me?”
“No,” I say comforting her. “No, Via. I promise I’ll say ‘good morning’ to you when you wake up and ‘goodnight’ every night. We’ll only live a little ways from here. I promise nothing will change.”
“Then don’t leave if you don’t want anything to change. Stay here with me, and Mommy, and Mere, and Luc, and Wes.”
“But James and I want a place of our own. Please, understand.”
“Okay,” Via sullenly says. “But promise no other kids.”
44
“Well, we have no control over that.”
“Yes you do. This older boy says that–” I cut her off.
“The government makes all of the babies, then the mommies and daddies go and say they want a girl or boy baby, and the government gives them one at random.” I shoot a quick glance at James.
“But it doesn’t work that way anymore. We don’t live with the government anymore,” retorts Via.
“Okay,” James cuts in. “So maybe the story the boy told you is true…”
“James!” I snap back, playfully slapping his shoulder.
“Just come here, Via,” James says; he pats his lap. “What did this older boy tell you?”
“He said that when a man and a woman love each a lot, that they want a child, so they mix up their blood, and the woman eats it, and then a baby grows inside her, then when it’s done growing the woman gives birth to it, and they have a baby.”
James and I exchange a quick glance.
“Yeah, Via. That’s exactly what happens,” James reassures her.
“Okay,” Via mutters. “I mean I guess it would be okay if you had one kid. But no more than one!”
“Are you our mother now?” James jokes.
“Yes,” answers Via, giggling. “And I command you to go to bed.”
“Yes ma’am,” I answer, laughing.
I pick up Via and take her to the quad’s room; put her in her and Meredith’s bed. “Now go to bed, Via,” I command.
“Yes, Miss Wonnie.”
~
“So are we going to bed now?” asks James. “Our mom told us to.” He laughs.
45
“Yes, we are. Why?” I ask, trying to sound suspicious.
“No reason. I just want to know what it feels like to have our bodies touching, hugging for slumber.”
“I want to know too, but not so soon. Please, James. Look, I’ll sleep on the ground or the couch.” I take my pack and head for the couch, when suddenly James grabs the inside of my elbow.
“We’re engaged, and it’s okay now. Remember how we slept in my apartment, but that’s not the same. Please, Ronnie. It’s not like I’m asking you to mix your blood with mine.”
“Well, maybe the mixing blood wouldn’t be so bad…”
“Really?” James asks in surprise and excitement.
“No. I was just kidding. But I will sleep with you in the bed. It will be more comfortable, and I’m really tired.”
“Okay,” James says, semi-disappointed. “I guess that will have to do, for now…” Then, he smirks at me.
We crawl into bed and lay down; I perfectly fit into the curve of his body, and we settle into the steady rhythm of sleep; dark and heavy, carrying us away on a soft, plush cloud.
The last thing I say before we drift off into the darkness of sleep: “I love you, James.” Then, it takes me with it.

46

When I wake, James’ body is still pressed to mine, arms embracing my waist.
“Good morning, love,” I say.
“Mmm…” is James’ only reply.
“Good morning,” I say again, lightly shaking him awake. He stirs. “Good morning, love. How are you?”
“Good. You?” James says, rubbing sleep from his eyes.
“Good.” And, I kiss him, not caring about my or his morning breath.
“Thank you,” he says and pulls me closer, kissing me again, only tighter, longer, warmer…
~
We walk into the kitchen to find that there’s no one else home.
“There’s no one here,” James states the obvious, his voice still thick and slurred from sleep. I love it.
“No, there isn’t,” I answer back. The wedding is in five days, and I’m beginning to become more and more comfortable to let lose near James. I’m not so protective anymore; I don’t care if he sees me naked. I don’t care about anything but him.
We kiss for some time before James stops and says, “Do you wanna go get breakfast, love?” So he had heard me this morning.
“Yes, love.” The word feels so beautiful, so free in my mouth.
“Love? I like it, Ronnie.”
“Yes. It shows that we love each other, but it also shows that we’re sophisticated enough not to have our faces smashed up against each other’s twenty-four/seven.”
“Totally,” James says, then he kisses me, hugging my lower back, holding me close to his body.
“Hello? Anyone home?” Lydia suddenly appears,
47
questioning us. “Need a moment of privacy?”
“No. Sorry, Lydia,” I answer.
“It’s okay,” Lydia says. “It’s young love… It’s beautiful.”
“It is?” James asks.
“Yes,” Lydia answers. “Young love is beautiful, and powerful; it holds the two people together forever. They believe in love; they have it; it’s the glue of their building blocks. Nothing can destroy young love, or love at that. The only time it can be destroyed is if it wasn’t really real. Let it be real, Ronnie, James. Let it fester in your bodies; let it course through your veins, infecting every inch. Let it be love.”
“Lydia,” I splutter. “Lydia…”
“Don’t say anything,” she says. Then, she whispers: “Let it be love.”
I hug her as she walks by and say, “Thank you.”
She nods.
“Let’s go get some breakfast, Ronnie,” James says.
~
When we come back from breakfast, Lydia isn’t preparing lunch like she has the other days. My theory is there’s nothing to prepare lunch with.
“Good breakfast this morning, wasn’t it?” Lydia asks as we walk into the kitchen.
“Yeah,” James and I answer in sync. And James adds, “The food here is way better than those stupid nutrition flanks and bars we used to have to eat. Uluck! Those things were disgusting.” They were.
I jump onto James back, knocking both of us slightly off balance, but I like how strong he is. Seemingly nothing can knock him over.
“Off to the quads castle,” I joke.
“Right away, ma’am,” James answers.
He’s perfect; the perfect amount of serious and silly.
48
He carries me to the quads room. When we arrive, James lifts me up off of his back, then gently places me on bed with Via and Meredith, who have gone back to sleep, along with Lucas and Weston in another bed. I’ve heard that when you sleep, you look younger than you truly are. I now know it’s true. The four children look as if they’re only two or three years old.
“I can’t wait until I have my own children,” I whisper, looking at each sleeping child, pausing longest on Meredith.
“You’re gonna be a wonderful mother,” James whispers back.
“And you will be a magnificent father, James.”
“Remind me, why we have to wait so long?”
“It’s better to wait. If something were to happen, I may not be able to wear Lydia’s wedding dress. What would we do then? That reminds me. We need to try on the wedding dress and suit. Let’s go do it now, before we forget.”
“Okay,” James responds. He tip-toes to the door and waits for me. “Are you coming?”
“Yeah. Just hold on,” I answer. Then, I stand up and walk over to each child, giving each one a small kiss on their foreheads.
“I love you, Ronnie,” James says as I walk towards him. When I reach him, he grabs my waist and pulls me towards him and kisses me. We slowly back up, until I’m against the doorframe. We stay pressed to the doorframe, bodies touching for a long time. Then, I pull away and say, “Let’s go to the room.”
We walk hand in hand to the bedroom. James sits down on the edge of the bed, and I go and fetch the boxes containing the suit and dress. When I get back in the room, James has unzipped the top of his jumpsuit, which is now dangling by his knees. His torso is so muscular; so chiseled, like a statue. He sees me entering and stands up.
49
“Let me help you,” James says, not giving me time to protest. He takes the two black boxes and carries them to the bed, where he lays them down.
“Let me help you into your suit,” I say, not realizing what I just offered.
“Okay,” James says. “Then, let me help you into your dress.”
“Okay,” I shyly answer.
James finishes taking off his jumpsuit, rendering him nearly naked, except for his underwear. I’m used to this. It’s how he sleeps.
We’re able to easily get James into the suit because it’s a perfect fit, for a perfect boy.
“You look… You look magnificent,” I say.
“Really?” James asks.
“Really. Now help me into mine,” I say. I slowly begin to unzip my jumpsuit. Wondering– my chest is exposed– if this is a– now my stomach– bad idea. Too late; my jumpsuit is unzipped. Then, I hesitantly take off the jumpsuit, leaving myself exposed, so I wrap my arms around my stomach.
“You okay?” asks James.
“Yeah,” I answer. “I’m fine. It’s just kinda cold, and breakfast isn’t sitting well with me.” It’s true. My stomach has felt queezy all morning; well, since we ate anyways.
“Lay down,” James instructs. “Here’s the blankets. I’m gonna take off the suit, so it doesn’t get ruined.” He undresses and sits on the edge of the bed, half-naked. I crawl over towards him and get into James’ lap, putting my head on his chest. He strokes my hair, whispering, “It’s okay, Ronnie. I’m right here. It’s okay.”
I lay there, head buried in James’ chest, clenching and unclenching my fists, willing myself not to throw-up. “James, I…” I can’t continue, for I feel bile begin to make its way up my throat. Then, I begin to cry, softly.
“Shhhh. Ronnie, it’s okay. Alright? It’s okay. Shhhh. You’re safe. Okay? I got cha. I got cha.”       50
Lydia must have heard us because she has come into the room at some point. “Everything okay in here?” she asks. “Oh my… What’s wrong? James, what in God’s holy name happened in here? Ronnie, are you okay?”
“No,” James answers for me. “She said she doesn’t feel good. Maybe breakfast didn’t sit well with her. She told me that her stomach hurt while we were trying on the wedding stuff. Then, she got into the bed and curled up on my lap and has been like this for a while.”
“Oh my goodness, Ronnie. You’re burning up,” Lydia says, touching a hand to my forehead. “She’s got a fever, definitely. I’ll be right back. I’m gonna go get the bucket.”
“James, I… I can’t wait,” I splutter.
“Shhhh,” James says. “Shhhh, Ronnie. Don’t try to talk. It’s okay. Okay? Lydia will be right back. Just wait a few more minutes.”
Lydia appears triumphantly holding the bucket over her head. “Here you go, dear.”
Then, it all comes out. There’s no stopping. I’m choking and coughing, while James holds the bucket, and Lydia rubs my back and holding my hair out of the way. When I’m done, my body’s shaking. Lydia has also gotten a towel and is wiping off my face.
“Better?” asks James.
I nod. Then, James picks me up and lays me down on the bed.
“Go to sleep now, Ronnie.” I do.
~
When I wake up, I’m still practically naked, laying in bed wrapped in a blanket. James is laying down next to me, asleep; he too still wearing only his underwear. I purposely turn over and moan in pain to get James’ attention, even though it really does hurt.
“Hey,” James says in the beautiful, sleepy, slurred voice of his. “You feeling better?”
51
“Yeah, kinda,” I answer. “I just have a headache now, and my throat kinda hurts still. Like it’s on fire.”
“I’ll go get you some water.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
James gets up to get the water and as he’s leaving he turns around and says, “You know if you hadn’t just thrown up, I would totally kiss you right now.” Then, he leaves and reappears shortly after, empty-handed, and comes over to the bed and kisses my forehead. “I love you.”

52

When James returns, he has a small glass of water in his right hand and a small, ratty towel in his left. The towel appears to be damp.
“Here,” James says. “Drink this, and, after you’re done, I’ll put it on the table.”
“Thank you,” I manage to mutter as I gulp down the water. I finish the glass in one sip.
“God, you were thirsty,” James says.
“Yeah. I haven’t had anything to eat or drink since I got sick. Can you grab me another blanket? I’m really cold.”
“Yeah. Sure thing, love. You know, you were really warm while you were sleeping. Let me feel you,” putting a hand on my forehead. “Oh my God! You’re burning up!”
“Am I?”
“Yeah,” James says, concerned. “You are. I’m gonna go get Lydia. That’s not good.”
“Okay,” I say beginning to get worried.
Lydia flits into the bedroom, “Are you doing okay, Ronnie? Do you need anything?”
“Actually, another blanket would be great, if you have one.”
“Okay,” Lydia answers. “Let me see if I can find one.”
“Thank you so much, Lydia. I’m so sorry…” I can’t continue talking. It just hurts so much. Then, I begin coughing.
“Shhhh, Ronnie. Don’t try to talk. Okay?  Everything’s gonna be fine. I’m right here,” James comforts me.
Lydia returns, blanket in hand. Even though it’s small and tattered, I’m thankful for any extra warmth I can receive.
“Here you go, honey,” she says and wraps me up
53
tightly.
“Thank…” I wheeze. Then, she rests her hand on my shoulder and squeezes.
“Get your rest, Ronnie,” Lydia instructs.
“I think I’ll stay in here with her,” James says. “Just to make sure she doesn’t need anything. You know?”
“Okay,” adds Lydia as she’s leaving the room.
After Lydia has left, James says, “You doing okay?” “Yeah, kinda,” I mutter. “I’m just… I’m just kinda cold and tired.”
James walks over to the bed and lays down next to me.
“James, you’re gonna get sick,” I cough.
“I don’t care about that. All I care about is you. I just want to be curled up with you, holding onto you, never letting you go. I’ll love in sickness and in health. I’ll be with you forever, I promise.”
“I love you, James.”
James kisses my forehead. “I love you more, Ronnie.”
“Please don’t leave me,” I whisper.
“Never,” James whispers back.
I curl up on James’ chest and hug him. I never want this to end, that’s why I’m so anxious to get married. Wait. The wedding! I’m sick, and the wedding is in less than a week. What if we can’t have wedding because I’m sick? What happens then? Lydia says that in time I’ll get better, but I’m uncertain we have enough time.
~
I wake from a much needed nap to find that I’m lying on James, who’s asleep. I feel a sudden wave of nausea surge through me. I grab bucket and vomit up what’s left in my stomach. This wakes James up.
“Hey, Ronnie. You’re okay,” James says as he rubs my back. I sit there pathetically vomiting, while my fiancé
54
rubs my back. When I’m done, I begin to cry because I’ve always despised throwing-up. It makes me feel out of control and powerless. Then, James wipes my face with the damp towel.
I bury my head in James’ chest and sob, “I hate this. I hate it!”
“Shhhh,” James continues to rub my back. “Shhhh…”
“Why?” I ask, pathetically looking up at him.
“I don’t know,” he responds. “But it’ll be okay. I promise.”
~
Two days pass by, which means only three days to the wedding. I haven’t thrown-up anymore, but the fever holds steady. I wish it would go away. I wish everything would go away, except James.
I wake up from one of the numerous naps, that I’ve been instructed to take, to find that James isn’t in the bed with me.
“James,” I call. My voice has returned, but it’s hoarse, and I feel fine, but the fever won’t leave. “James,” I call again.
He pops his head from around the doorframe, “Yes, Ronnie?”
“I didn’t know where you were and I was scared.”
“Nothing to be afraid of,” James says, drying his hair; he must have taken a shower. “I just was taking a shower. I smelled awful, so I took advantage of the opportunity.”
“Okay,” I reply in relief. “Can I take a shower?”
“Yeah, I guess. You want me to help?”
“No. I’m fine. I can do it by myself. Thanks though.”
“Okay. But I’ll wait by the shower incase you need me, or anyone.”
“Okay,” I say. With that, I begin to stand up but
55
quickly lose my balance. James lurches forward and catches
me at the perfect moment.
“Thanks,” I mutter.
“Anytime,” James answers back. “I was waiting to get to do that again. Let’s go. I’ll carry you. How does that sound?”
“Perfect,” I say, and Jamespicks me up and carries me to the makeshift shower.
As we walk through the kitchen, Lydia says, “Where in the world are you going?”
“To the shower,” I mutter.
“Okay. I just… You shouldn’t be out of bed, but I guess a shower will help. Here’s a towel.”
James takes the towel, nods, and walks towards the door; but, before we leave, he drapes it over my head, which is lying on his chest. The darkness is comforting.
James carries me to a small shack behind the house. The shack has one door, and a crack maybe a foot wide under the door. The showers. I’m still wrapped in the blankets, wearing only my bra and underwear. James puts me down, helping me gain my balance.
“You got it?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I answer, shaking. “I’ll be fine. Just… just don’t leave. Okay?”
“Okay.”
I hobble into the shower and turn on the water. I don’t expect hot water, but miraculously I get it. I take off what clothes I do have on and walk in, holding onto the freezing, metal pole holding the three shower curtains, covering the wooden walls, upright. James’ back is turned, shielding me from any wandering eyes. The door could’ve been closed, but we decided against it, on the odd chance that I do need James’ help.
There is no soap, but I still enjoy the feeling of the hot water slipping over my skin, burning it. The water suddenly turns ice cold, so I make the decision that I should
56
get out of the shower.
“Here’s your towel,” James says, still facing the other way.
“Thanks,” I say, shivering.
“Alright, let’s go inside. You’re wet and it’s cold out here. We don’t want you to get any sicker.”
“Yeah. That’s probably not the best idea.”
I hobble inside, clenching James with one hand and the towel with the other. Once inside, we go back to the bedroom, and James leaves me alone to change. I put on the winter jumpsuit, which is white. The jumpsuits are usually worn underneath our regular clothes to keep us warm or cool, depending on the weather. James and I brought no regular clothes, only winter, spring, summer, and fall jumpsuits.
I zip up my jumpsuit just as James and Lydia walk into the room.
“Hey, Ronnie,” chirps Lydia. “Nice to see you up and at ‘em.”
“Yeah,” I say. “I’m feeling a lot better, especially after that shower. I’m not queezy, and I don’t feel any hot or cold flashes anymore.”
“That’s good,” says James.
“Come ‘ere,” Lydia commands. “You’re not overly warm anymore, so I say no fever, but, just to be safe, no kissing…” She trails off.
I blush. “Yes ma’am.”
“Good. Now, try on the dress! I wanna see it!”
“Okay.”
“I’m gonna go empty the bucket,” James announces. “I don’t want to see the bride in the dress before the wedding; rules are rules.”
“Okay,” I answer. “See ya later.”
~
“Ahhh! It’s stunning!” Lydia shrieks. “I love it!”
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The dress is a beautiful, crisp off-white. It hugs my body at the top, then, at my knees, it begins to flare out. The bottom is trimmed with lace. It has capped sleeves also made of lace, which come together in the middle of the heart-shaped neckline. The back is my favorite part. The sleeves meet near the base of my neck; then, the lace continue down, by my sides, and joins together near the bottom of my spine. There’s a gorgeous, lace belt around my natural waist that buttons in the back.
The shoes Lydia has loaned me are the most beautiful shoes I’ve ever seen in my entire life. They’re the same off-white as the dress; the shoes are simple, plain silk, but they may as well be the most extraordinary shoes in the entire world.
“Do you really?” I say. Being sick has made me frail and boney, but I trust Lydia judgment.
“Nobody in the entire world has ever looked as beautiful as you do right now.”

  58

The day before the wedding. The day before my new life starts. Everything is frantic in Lydia’s house; there’s just so much that still has to be done. The food, the ceremony, the decorations. Everything.
“I like the idea of homemade decorations,” I protest. Lydia has been trying to persuade me to make the decorations with her. “I want the quads to make the decoration, please?”
“Whatever,” Lydia grunts. “Just do whatever you want. I don’t have the time to argue with you about this.” She’s been really snappy lately. I guess the stress is getting to her; just like everyone else.
“Via, Mere,” I call. “Luc, Wes, I have a project for you.”
“What is it, Wonnie?” answers Via.
“It’s a craft project.”
“Yes!” exclaims Weston.
“Okay. So here’s what I want you to do, Via and Meredith: take the pinecones, acorns, bark, and pine straw and make a pretty arrangement in the wooden bowl. Lucas and Weston, I want you to go get me twenty small sticks, fifteen medium sticks, ten large sticks, and fifty green reeds. Oh, also, thirty flowers.”
“What color?” asks Lucas.
“All colors,” I answer.
“Okay, Miss Ronnie,” says Weston.
“We’ll be back before dinner,” adds Lucas.
“Don’t go any farther than the edge of the town,” yells Lydia to the boys as they saunter off.
“Almost done!” Via shouts.
“Can I come see?” I ask.
“No. Not yet… Okay, now.”
“It’s beautiful!”
“Weally?”
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“Really. I love them.”
~
Lucas and Weston renter the house at the same moment Lydia is putting out dinner.
“I was so worried about you two,” Lydia scolds. “I’ve sitting around this house; a nervous wreck for hours, pacing, waiting for you to come home.”
“Sorry, Mommy,” both boys apologize.
“I’m just relieved you’re safe.”
“It’s my fault, Lydia,” I confess. “I sent them out to get stuff for decorations. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would take that long. I should’ve gone with them.”
“It’s not your fault, Ronnie,” Lydia says.
“Ronnie, you can’t put the blame on yourself,” James adds, hugging my head, bringing it to his chest.
“Thanks,” I say. “You always know how to make me feel better.” I lean in to give James a peck on the lips, but quickly remember Lydia rule: ‘no kissing’. I look at Lydia, asking permission, and she nods to simply show her approval. I give him a quick kiss.
“Eeeeeewwwwww!” say all of the children.
“Be quiet,” Lydia hisses.
“But it’s grodey!” whines Weston.
“It’s not your place to give that opinion.”
“We’ll go in another room,” says James. “I guess I wouldn’t want to see it either.”
“Okay,” answers Lydia, even though it wasn’t a question. “You know the rules, right?”
“Yeah,” I say.
“Okay; well remember them!” Lydia calls as we’re turning the corner.
We quickly decide against going to the bedroom because there’s still the lingering smell of bile floating in the air. So, for the last few nights, we’ve slept on the couch; or what functions as the couch. James and I have slept like
60
we did when our lives existed in the city.
“I love you, Ronnie. I can’t wait until we’re married, then nothing can ever break apart our love. And, ¬every–”
“What do you mean ‘nothing can ever break apart our love’? Are you saying that it can be broken now?”
“No. No,” James says, grabbing my shoulders and pulling me into him, so we can make eye contact. I don’t meet his eyes. “I didn’t mean that. What I meant was nobody can break it apart because they’ll know that we love each other, and they won’t even bother to try because they can feel how strong –it’s as strong as anyone’s will ever be– our love is. That’s what I meant to say, Ronnie.”
“Oh,” I mumble. “Okay…”
“Let’s go eat. You’re still really skinny. I don’t want you getting sick again.”
“Okay.”
~
“Everything okay?” Lydia asks.
“Yeah. We’re fine,” I say.
“Never better,” James adds.
Night fall comes faster than expected. Darkness covers everything like a dark, impenetrable, velvet blanket; concealing everything.
“Tomorrow,” I whisper, snuggling closer to James. “We’ll be married. Tomorrow everything else will be dead to us. Nothing will matter. Tomorrow–”
“–will be our promise to each other that neither one of us will ever love anyone else, or will never stop loving each other.” James finishes my thought.

61

Today is the day that I get to show James how much I love him. Today is the day when I get to wear the most beautiful outfit in the entire world. Today is the day I’ve waited for since I meet James. Today is the day of the wedding.
“Wake up, Ronnie,” Lydia whispers as she gently shakes me awake. “Come on; wake up, please. We’ve got a lot to do.”
“Good morning,” I say, still half-asleep. “What’s the first thing we have to do?”
“Your hair. And, by the looks of it, it’s gonna take a while. Let’s go into my room so we don’t wake up James. He hasn’t slept much lately, too worried about you.”
“Really?”
“Really. You picked a good one, Ronnie.”
I sluggishly mope to Lydia’s room where she practically renders me bald trying to get my hair untangled. Every pull sends wave of electrifying pain through my scalp all the way to my toes. After maybe an hour and a half, my hair is tangle free.
“Okay. Sorry that hurt so much, but it had to be done,” Lydia apologizes.
“It’s fine,” I say, fully awake now. “So what are you planning on doing to my hair?”
“I think a braided up-do; maybe something dramatic. Let me just experiment for a few minutes.”
“Okay. Just no more pulling and pain, please. It’s still early in the morning.”
Lydia finally decides that my will be in a french braid that starts at the top of the right side of head; then, it goes diagonally across my head to my left ear, where it turn back towards my right ear. She finishes off the braid and twists the excess into a beautiful, elegant, braided bun.
Finally, Lydia adds small diamonds ¬–which are actually
62
made of glass– all throughout my hair to add a little extra sparkle.
There’s no jewelry or make up here, so we just do what we can to make it look like I am wearing both. When Lydia is finished, the sun has just risen, which means that James and I will be getting married in less than six hours. My body quakes with nerves. I’m praying that everything will go smoothly.
~
I’m dressed in the beautiful wedding dress, and James is in the suit. The ceremony is about to being. I stand facing James, staring into his eyes, communicating in silence. The ceremony master looks as pathetic as anyone I’ve ever seen. He’s at least eighty years old, missing a few teeth, and smells strongly of Scotch and whiskey.
“Today,” he wheezes, coughing slightly. “We’re gathered to join Ronnie Analise Vicks and James Emerson Wilds together in holy matrimony.” I don’t know why the ceremony master is saying all of this; we no longer live under the government, so why is he saying this? Why is he doing it this way?
I hear sniffles from our crowd of five –Lydia, Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston. The decorations made by the quads are beautiful, and they make me almost as happy as I am to be marring James.
Just as James and I are about to be officially married, there’s a sound near the top of the hill that sounds like yelling. While the source of the voice is unidentifiable, we all know it can only be one thing. GAs…
~
We stand there like deer in headlights. Then, something clicks: we’re under attack. Immediately, Lydia grabs Via, I grab Meredith, and James grabs Lucas and Weston. The ceremony master has already fled the scene.
We run to Lydia’s house and flood through the door, snatching whatever we can. James and I run to our bedroom
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and quickly change into jumpsuits. James obtains our backpacks as I’m zipping my jumpsuit. We run to the kitchen and find Lydia stuffing food into a bag Meredith is carrying, water into a bag Lucas is carrying, blankets into a bag Via is carrying, and one extra pair of clothes for everyone into a bag Weston is carrying.
“Come on, Lydia!” James shouts. “We have to go, now!”
“Alright,” Lydia says, trying to suppress panic. “Alright. I’m not leaving anyone, am I?”
“No,” I say, not caring if my voice comes out panicked.
“Okay. Via, you stay with me. Meredith, stay with Ronnie. Lucas and Weston, stay with James. We good? Okay. Let’s go!”
We run through the door and around the edge of the town until we reach the river. There, we hastily cross and sprint into another thick forest surrounding the south border of the town. My second home, ripped out of my grasp. As we’re running through the forest, I get glimpses of other people running in the same direction that we are. I soon know why.
At almost sunset, we reach what seems to be an open place in the woods. There are no trees covering us from above, so we could easily be spotted. Then, I see another family composed of a mother, a father, and a little girl that’s fast asleep on her father’s shoulder. They slowly creep to the middle of the clearing and pull what looks like a vine up from the ground. A hatch flips open, and they begin to descend what I guess is a staircase. Suddenly, the hatch flips shut. We wait maybe three minutes, then Lydia runs to the vine and pulls. She motions for us to follow, and we run to her.
“Go down,” she instructs. “James, I’ll whistle twice; when I do, I want you to push a small, blue button on the wall.”
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We descend the stairs just like the other family. Lydia whistles twice, and James presses the button. At the bottom of the stairs, we wait until everyone is down, then Lydia leads us to a small room marked with her and Reed’s names. In the room, there are two medium sized beds, a small cot, a small coffee table, and five chairs.
“We camp here,” Lydia says.
“Mommy,” Via whines. “What’s happening?”
“The government found us. Now, they’re trying to hurt us, so we have to run away from them. It’s okay, though. I’m here, and so is Ronnie, and James, and your brothers and sister. We’ll be okay. So, here’s how we’re gonna do this: James and Ronnie take one bed, Lucas and Weston take the cot tonight, and Via and Meredith will sleep with me in the other bed. No one’s allowed to go outside without me, Ronnie, or James; also, you have to take a buddy.”
“I have something for you, Lydia,” James says. He pulls out the two black boxes. “I saved them and the shoes, along with Reed and Zach’s pictures. I just thought you would want them.”
“Thank you,” Lydia sniffs. She takes the pictures and places them on the coffee table. Then, she places the boxes under the bed she’s sleeping in.
“I need some fresh air,” I croak. Everything that has happened in the last few hours has just caught up with me.
“I’ll come with you,” James says.
We take off our packs and set them down on the bed Lydia assigned us.
Meredith walks over to me and motions for me to bend down. I do. She takes a small box out of her bag and whispers, “I saved them for you.” Then, she kisses my cheek and gives me a hug. “I love you, Ronnie.”
I stand up and walk over to James. We sit down on the edge of the bed. I slowly open the box to find that there
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are two rings in it. One is a solid, copper band that, I’m guessing, is for James. The other is dainty, copper ring with a big, glass diamond like the ones in my hair.
“Thank you,” I say to Meredith.
She nods. James and I walk towards the area where the stairs are and begin to climb up, and up, and up. We reach the blue button, and I press it. Once we emerge from the secret staircase, James pulls the vine to close the hatch.
I walk in the direction we came earlier. After walking for maybe fifteen minutes, I see a red haze in the distance. My body takes over, and without realizing, I’m running towards the light. As I get closer, the air becomes thicker; smoke. The light is fire. They have lit the entire town on fire. Then comes a noise like thunder; government vehicles like the one James and I had been captured in. I turn away, but can’t help to look back just once. I see people, many people, almost the entire town being forced into the vehicles where I know their destination will be death.
I turn and run…
~
When James and I re-enter the underground village, there is an older man with a sheet of paper checking the rooms. More than half are empty. When he sees us, he pauses, nods, and watches us go to Lydia’s room.
“What’d ya see?” asks Lydia.
“The town, on fire,” I casually say. Then, I sprint over to me and James’ bed, where I flop down, curl up into a little ball, and cry.
“It’s okay,” comforts James. He lifts me out of the ball and hugs me.
“No. It’s not,” I retort. “The government is trying to ruin our lives. They don’t want us to have homes. Why? Why can’t they just leave us alone? We just want to be alone!” I’m now screaming in a fit of rage.
“Okay, so I will admit that they’re doing all of that,
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but isn’t all you really need right here, right now? Isn’t this all you really need? We–” he gestures to Lydia, Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston– “are your life, your home. Can you possibly see that? We are everything that you could ever need or want. Right?”
“You know why I love you?” I can tell James knows that I realize that what he just said is the truth. “Well, it’s because you always know what to say. You can make me laugh when I’m sad, be serious when I’m being silly and silly when I’m ‘too’ serious. But, also, I love you because you’re the kinder, more serious, sillier, funnier, better part of me. You always know what I’m thinking before I do, and you know exactly what I need, when I need it without me having to ask. Above all, you love me without even needing a reason. It’s like your love for me is like breathing; you don’t even realize it’s happening, but it is.” I pull away from the hug and kiss James.
“Goodnight,” says Lydia. Then, it goes black…
~
It’s been maybe an hour or so since Lydia turned the lights off. I lay in the designated bed with James. Technically, we did get married because we both said “I do”, so my fantasy has come true.
My back is facing James, so I roll over and whisper, “We may spend the rest of our lives running, but I’m happy to say that I get to run away from life with you,” as I rest my head on his chest for slumber.
        “And I’m happy that we are going to be together forever now. That’s exactly what I wanted. Can I tell you a secret?”
        “Yeah. What is it?”
“I never had my brain lobe transferred either. That’s one of the reasons why we had to leave. Someone figured it out; and they were about to tell.”

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Lydia wakes us up at what I guess is seven o’clock in the morning. She never wakes up any earlier or any later.
“Wake up,” she says. “We over slept. We have to hurry if we want to make breakfast.”
“Over slept?” James says, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
“Over slept,” Lydia parrots. “Come on, come on, come on!”
We hurriedly get dressed, not because we want to, but because Lydia forces us to. I just want to be back in the warm, soft bed, cuddled up with James. Yet, I’m sort of glad Lydia woke me up because I was having a nightmare that the government found the escapey village, and they were going to each house threatening to burn it and the people inside if the residents didn’t come out. The GAs were at Lydia’s house, and we were asleep. Lydia, Via, Meredith, Lucas, and Weston had left the house, but I couldn’t wake up James. The house was on fire; I could smell it. Then, the flames engulfed the doorway leading outside. James was groggily awake, but he was awake. We tried every way we could find. There was no escaping. The window in our bedroom was stuck. When Lydia woke me up, the flames were licking up around my ankles. James had sat down in the chair in the corner of the room, and the flames were already halfway up his body. I tried to walk over and hopefully put out some of the flames, but every step I took the fire grew bigger. I leaped forward and clasped James’ hand, knowing we were going to die. I woke up with a slightly nauseated feeling in my stomach and a pounding head.
~
In the eating hall, there are only a hundred people or less. The attack has stolen many of them away from us. I see fatherless or motherless families; I see a woman holding a picture of a small child crying on her husband’s shoulder.
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The depressed feeling inside everyone is seeping through their skin and hovering in the air.
Please don’t ever let that be me I pray to someone, but I don’t know who anymore; or, maybe, I never really knew. Everything in the world seems to be against me, burning and destroying everything I love or have loved. I love James, but I’m scared that, because I do, he’ll be taken away. I pray that’ll never happen.
“What do you want to eat?” James asks, bringing me out of the daze.
“Uh… What?”
“I said ‘what do you want to eat?’ Are you okay, Ronnie? You’ve acting kinda funny ever since last night.”
“Yeah,” I stutter. “I’m… I’m fine. I just… just–” I can’t hold it in anymore. I can’t hold anything in anymore. “No,” I explode. “I’m not okay. We fled the city to be free, James. Does it look like we’re free to you? I just want to stop running. I just want to stop being afraid. I just want a happy, peaceful life.”
“Sometimes love doesn’t let that happen. Sometimes you have to choose. Do you want love, or do you want peace?”
“Love,” I immediately answer, but, deep down, I think that maybe I want peace more.
“Don’t forget we’re here, Wonnie,” Via says. “We’ll always love you. Even if we don’t say it.” She glances in Meredith’s direction at the last part. She doesn’t know that Meredith does talk. I’m the only one who does. I know that she loves me the most because of that; because I’m the only person she’s ever said ‘I love you’ to, or talked to for that matter.
“Don’t worry, Via. I’ll never forget about you, or Meredith, or Lucas, or Weston, or Lydia. I’ll always love you.”
“I don’t think you’ll forget us; I just thought you would stop loving us.”
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“Never,” I promise.
“Never?” Via says, reassuring herself. “Okay.”
~
After we’ve eaten breakfast, Lydia leads us back to the room. We sit in the deathly silent room for what seems like an eternity; when, suddenly, there’s a small knock. Lydia crosses the room and opens the door to find the frail, old man with the clipboard isstanding in the doorway.
“We have extra rooms on either side of you if you wanna move some of your, um… uh… family to another room. Do the young man and woman wanna move to their own room?”
“Ronnie, James, you wanna?” asks Lydia. It seems like she’s pushing us out, but also like she’s trying to keep us.
“Um…” I look at James for an answer. Nothing. “I don’t know. James, do you?”
“I… I… I kinda wanna stay here. I mean it would be nice to have our own room. And then, the quads could sleep in our bed.”
“And, we’d be right next door,” I add.
“Yeah. Sure. That sounds good.”
“You’re leaving, Wonnie?” asks Via.
“No,” I answer. “Well, I mean yes, sort of. We’ll be right next door, and I promise I’ll come put you to bed every night and wake you up every morning. You can come over any time you want. Okay?”
“Okay,” Via says, sulking.
“So, it’s settled,” Lydia says to the old man. “They’ll move in next door. Tonight?”
“Yes ma’am,” he scoffs. “They better ‘n be there tonight or else won’t be at all. I’ll be back to check in at sun down.”
We leave the familiarity of Lydia’s room and walk next door. The room is slightly smaller, and it has one king
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sized bed, a coffee table a little bigger then Lydia’s, a medium sized dresser, and a small table next to the bed.
Then, we walk back to Lydia’s room, grab our stuff, and return to our new room.
The old man returns just as he said he would, when he said he would.
“Sunset,” he says as he enters the room. “You settled in?”
“Yeah,” James says.
“Okay,” he says, closing the door. “Power out at eleven. We wanna save energy.”
Eleven o’clock comes faster than expected. James and I are sitting in Lydia’s room, talking. My eyes are open, and the lights are on; I blink, then the lights are off.
“Time for bed,” Lydia instructs. Everyone except Meredith is still awake. She went to bed maybe an hour ago. “Here’s a candle and some matches, Ronnie. Go back to your room, and I’ll wake you up when the power comes back on at sun up.”
James and I walk back to our room, led by candlelight and stalked by shadows. Once back in the room, I lay down in the bed and kick off my shoes. James comes over to the bed and sits down next to me. I roll over onto my stomach. He unexpectedly begins to rub my back.
“What’s wrong, Ronnie? And don’t say nothing because I know that something is bothering you.”
“I’m just… I just… Why? Why does the government do this, James? Huh? What do they want? We left so they didn’t have to deal with us and we didn’t have to deal with them.”
“I don’t know,” James hesitantly answers. “It’s like I said at the testing facility: they don’t want us to creatively think. They’re just odd like that.”
The testing facility. It seems like something from another life. A life that doesn’t even belong to me. A life that doesn’t exist. A life that’s nothing more than a thick,
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dark, blurry haze.
I lay in bed trying to sleep but quickly give up.
James is asleep. I can tell by his breathing. I stand up and the cold, stony floor shocks me. Next thing I know, I’m in Lydia’s room. My brain is not awake yet, so I don’t know exactly what I’m doing. Invisible strings are pulling my body I don’t know where. I feel like a puppet. I silently walk over to where Meredith is sleeping. When I reach her, she’s awake.
“Ronnie?” she whispers.
“Yeah. Come here,” I whisper back. She does.
“Where are we going?”
“My room.”
I carry Meredith back to my room and lay her down on the bed in my spot. Then, I crawl into bed between her and James. We settle down, and I hug Meredith’s waist, pulling her into me.
“I love you, Ronnie,” she whispers, her voice thick with the heavy weight of sleep pulling on her to fall under its spell.
“I love you, too,” I whisper in return.
As I’m settling into the perfect rhythm of sleep, James wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. “I love you, Ronnie,” he whispers. “You too, Mere.”
“Can I sleep in here again tomorrow night?” asks Meredith.
“Yes,” I answer, knowing it’ll make her and me happy. “We’ll do it just like this again. We can’t let Via know. She’ll be mad at us.”
“I won’t tell,” promises Meredith.

72

Lydia wakes us up when the power comes back on, just as she promised. I open my eyes, and the look on her face is indescribable. Scared? Happy? Sad? Surprised? Horrified?
“Meredith?” she says. “What are you… Why are you… What’s going on?”
“She slept with me last night,” I say because I know Meredith will never talk.
“Well, I can see that, but why?”
“I couldn’t sleep, so I was walking around, and I heard her. It sounded like she was having a bed dream, so I went to check on her. When I did, Mere was sitting up in the bed, and her face was all wet. I took her back to my room so I could calm her down. Then, she fell asleep. So did I.”
“Okay,” Lydia says, seeming like she doesn’t believe the story. “Alright. If that’s what you say that’s what happened, I believe you.”
As she’s leaving, James wakes up. He knows. He knows that Meredith does talk.
“Good morning,” he says, voice thick with sleep. “I didn’t expect to have a visitor last night.”
“Did you here the story?” I ask.
“Yeah. What really did happen, Ronnie?”
“I couldn’t sleep. I just wanted Meredith. I don’t know why, but I did.”
“Okay. Hey, didn’t you promise Via you would wake her up?”
“Oh god! Yeah I did.” I quickly stand up, grab Meredith, and run to Lydia’s room. I sprint over to where Via is sleeping; she’s still asleep, good. I put down Meredith on the end of the bed and gently begin to wake up Via: “Good morning, Via. It’s Ronnie. Here to wake you up like I promised.” I’m panicking on the inside.
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“Wonnie?” she mumbles.
“Good morning, sleepy head,” I say. “Time to wake  up.”
“You kept your promise.”
“Of course I did. Why wouldn’t I?”
“I didn’t think you would because you said you’d never move away from.”
“I didn’t say that, Via. I said that I wouldn’t move far away. That you’d be able to walk there all by yourself. Well, can’t you?”
“Yeah…” she trails off.
“So, I haven’t broken my promise. Any of them.”
“Okay. Can we go get breakfast?”
“Sure.”
“Let’s go!” Via grabs my fingers in her tiny, soft, warm hand and pulls me towards the door.
~
Breakfast is a bland mixture of stale bread, mysterious, leftover meat from last night, and bush peas. The dull tastes and colors cause me, along with many others, to leave our food untouched.
“Ronnie,” James asks. “Why won’t you eat? It doesn’t taste like anything. I promise. Please, I’m begging you. Eat.”
“I’m not hungry,” I argue.
“Tell that to your stomach that growls all night.”
“It’s not hunger that makes it do that. It’s digestion of what food I do eat.”
“Okay. Well, then what have you eaten since we got here?”
“Bread, meat, an egg, some bush peas. Need me to continue?”
“No, but I… you… please eat some more, Ronnie. I don’t want you to get sick again.”
“Look, James. I’m fine. Okay? I don’t need you to
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be my food consultant. I’m a grown woman. I can take care of myself. Okay?”
“Okay,” says James with the slight hint of an undertone of a person that’s been beaten; cowering and paralyzed.
I stand up, leaving my tray on the table and storm out of the eating hall. I walk through the halls to the flight of stairs. I climb upwards until I reach the blue button; I slam my fist on the button and walk up to the top. I then emerge from the secret haven. I quickly tug the vine– noticing that my hand is beginning to turn red where I hit the button, an early sign of a bruise– and run. I run in the direction of the escapey village. I know it’s probably crawling with GAs, but I have to go back. I have to be there just one more time.
My feet carry me to Lydia’s house. It looks as if the fire didn’t spread this far. Most of the houses in this area look exactly how I remember. I go into the collapsing shack and stand in the doorway, bewildered. It looks as if nothing has happened; as if there wasn’t a fire not even forty-eight hours ago. Everything is perfectly in its place. Nothing is overturned or out of place. It’s too clean for someone to not have been here. Then, I know why…
I hear voices that sound as if people are sitting in the living room.
“You think they’re all gone?” I hear a man’s voice.
“No,” another man answers. “Some of ‘em are still here.”
“Where d’ya think the others –the ones that escaped– went?
“Probably some secret little hideout near here,” another man inputs. “We’ll start lookin’ tomorrow. I need volunteers. Ingle and Jove will go west to the forest. Lancer and Hols, you go back the way we came. Batcher and Millet come with me down the river. The rest of you stay here; if you see any more of them escapies, contact me. Don’t kill them, but do capture them.”
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They’re looking for us. Will it ever stop? When can we be safe? When can we just live our own lives?
Then, I hear the men stand up and begin to walk towards the kitchen. I have to run. If they catch me, I’m as good as dead. I quickly turn and run out of my old home, hiding behind some brush. When I sense the coast is clear, I bolt for the river and into the forest. Once in the safety of the forest, I check to make sure that no GAs saw me. None did. I sprint back to the underground haven. I yank the vine, practically fall down the stairs, slam the blue button– causing searing pain to shoot through my hand–, and dash to my room.
James is sitting on the edge of our bed, arms resting on his thigh and head cupped in his hands. When he sees me, he immediately stands up and runs to me.
“Ronnie!” he shouts, picking me up and squeezing me tightly. “God, I was so worried about you. I didn’t know what had happened, and you weren’t anywhere. I… I thought you…” He trails off.
“I’m okay,” I say. “But not for long.”
“What do you mean?”
“I went back to village. I wasn’t thinking, and I went back. I went to Lydia’s house, and there were GAs, James. They were plotting out a way to find us. They’re looking for us. I heard their leader say that tomorrow a whole bunch of them are going to search the area for us. We have to tell someone. We have to warn everyone.”
“How? What do we say? ‘Everyone, we’d just like to inform you that, even though we fled the GAs, they’re coming after us again, and there’s a good chance we’re all going to die.’ That’ll just them freak out.”
“Okay, well we have to tell someone. Lydia!”
I run out of the room and make a sharp left into Lydia’s room. The quads are sleeping. Lydia quickly put her finger to her lips.
“Lydia,” I whisper. “I need to tell you something.”
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“Okay. Let’s go out in the hall.”
Once we’re in the hall, I say to Lydia, “I went back to village–”
“You what?!” exclaims Lydia.
“I just… I don’t know what happened, but I just had to go outside, and my feet just took me somewhere familiar. But, anyways, I went back and I saw them. The GAs. They’re in the village– in your house– plotting out ways to find us, Lydia. They’re looking for us. They’re trying to find us so they can kill us. We have to warn someone. We have to let everyone know, so we can stay hidden.”
“We can make an announcement at lunch or dinner. When are they coming?”
“They’re beginning their search tomorrow morning. We have to tell everyone not to leave the haven. If they find one of us, they’ll find the rest.”
“I agree.”
“Me too,” James says as he emerges from our room.
“I thought you were against this whole thing.”
“I was, but then I realized that, if we want to be alive together, we should probably tell everyone else, so no one’s cover gets blown, and we all die.”
“Okay. So here’s the plan: at lunch, we wait fifteen minutes after it’s begun; that gives everyone time to get to the eating hall. Then, the three of us will make a lot of noise– you know, to get attention. Once we have their attention, I’ll calmly explain to them everything I said to you. Good?”
“Yeah. Okay. We’re really going through with this?” James hesitantly asks.
“It’s to keep everyone alive, James,” says Lydia, confidently.
“Everything will be okay,” I whisper to him. Lydia walks back into her room and softly shuts the door. “Come on,” I motion for James to follow. We go back into our room and sit down next to each other on the edge of our
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bed.
“I love you, James. Okay? I don’t want to hurt you or make you unhappy. I have to do this, for us. I promise I won’t let anything bad happen to you or me. I don’t want to get hurt because that means I could die. But, I also don’t want you to get hurt because that means you could die. If you died, I think that would be the worst wound I could ever get. Because it would mean you wouldn’t get to be the first thing I see when I wake up or the last thing before I go to sleep. I wouldn’t get to tell you ‘I love you’ anymore, and I wouldn’t get to feel your warm embrace when I’m sad, or cold, or tired, or anything like that. I would still love you; I’ll always love you, but it’d be different because I wouldn’t get to tell it to you, face to face…” I begin to tear up.
“I would never let that happen, Ronnie. I love you too much to put you through that kind of pain. Trust me, it’s worse than the worse thing you’ve ever been through. I never want to leave you. I never want you to have to go through that type of hell. And, if you died, you know what I’d do? Well, I’d kill myself. I made a promise to you, Ronnie Analise Vicks. A promise that said I’ll never leave you, and I intend to keep that promise.”
James wraps his big, strong, warm arms around me and squeezes me slightly. I wrap arms around his neck and crawl into his lap, so I can sit facing him. Once I’m settled, I wrap my arms tighter around James. I look up, still leaving my arms loosely placed on his shoulders. His eyes are a beautiful, sparkling brown like the color of the special, gooey stuff we get to eat on holidays. I quickly press my lips against James’. Then slowly pull my lips away from his, leaving our foreheads touching.
“I love you,” I whisper.
“I love you more,” he whispers back.
Then, James falls backwards, and I land on top of
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him with my head on his chest. I look up at James, and he looks at me. We both let out a small laugh. I then lay my head back down on his chest. James swings his legs around
so that we’re laying in our bed normally. I roll off of James, and we simultaneously begin to inch back and lay on heads on our pillows. James is laying on his back, and I’m laying my stomach, so I rest my head on his chest once again, and he puts left arm on my back and pulls me closer to him.
~
We must have fallen asleep. I open my eyes to the sound of the last call meal bell. I look at James, but he’s still asleep.
“James,” I say, violently shaking him. “We have to go! Last call meal bell.”
“What?” James says, groggy.
“We have to go if we want to eat lunch.”
“And make your announcement,” he says with a small smirk.
We arrive just as the last person is being served. James and I get our food, and, instead of following the plan, we just start the announcement. Lydia begins by pounding her fist on the table; then, James taps his cup against the table. I motion for the people around us to do the same thing. Once we have everyone’s attention, I stand up on the table and make my announcement.
“Listen, my name is Ronnie, and I have something very important to tell you. I was back at the village, and I went to my old home. There were GAs in the house. I heard them talking about how they’re going to find us. Starting tomorrow morning, a bunch of them are coming into the forest to search for us. What I’m saying is don’t go aboveground tomorrow. They will find you. Once one person’s been found, the rest of us will be too. I don’t mean to scare you, but I just wanted to let you know.”
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I sit back down and begin to eat my lunch. The eating hall is dead silent for a few minutes, then the noise returns, but only now it’s quieter.
~
For the rest of the day and much into the night, it’s very quiet in the underground haven. No one wants to make a lot of noise or do anything that could possibly draw attention from the GAs. James and I sit in Lydia’s room; no one says anything. We just stare at each other. The lights go off, signaling that it’s eleven o’clock. I stand up and walk to my room. James must notice because he follows. Again, it seems like I’m in a silent movie. I can see James moving around the room, saying something to me, but I hear nothing.
Finally, he walks over to me, touches my shoulder, and says, “What’s wrong, Ronnie? Aren’t we safe? Didn’t we do everything we possibly could to stay safe?”
“Yes,” I answer. “But, I don’t know. I have this feeling that they’re going to find us. I just feel like at any moment they’re going to walk through the door and capture us.”
“Don’t be scared of that, Ronnie. Even if they do, we’ll put up a fight. I won’t let them take you away from me.” Then, he pulls me close and wraps me up in his big, strong arms. I press my face into his shoulder and inhale. James has lost his old smell; the smell of labs and medical equipment. Now, he smells like smoke and earth. The old smell made me feel safe, but the new smell has made me realize what he has done to be with me. What I mean to him; it makes me realize that nothing will ever separate us.
“I love you,” I say, face still pressed to James’ body.
“I love you more,” he says. We lay down, and I immediately begin to drift off to sleep. Suddenly, James wraps one of his arms around my waist and pulls me into his body. I feel safe. I know that nothing can ever hurt me now.
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I wake up on my own. The lights are still off. It’s before sunrise, or else the lights would be on. Why am I
awake? I repeatedly ask myself. I stand up and begin to walk to the door and open it to see if anyone else is awake. I quickly glance back at the bed to make sure I didn’t wake James; he’s still fast asleep. There are old fashioned clocks on the wall at intervals of maybe seven feet. The numbers are glowing a harsh greenish-yellow color. The clock in front of my room says it’s eight-thirty.
“What the hell?” I whisper to myself. Then, it hits me. “Oh God!” I run down the hallway to the eating hall. All of lights are off here too. “Hello?” I call into the darkness.
“Yes?” a voice answers back.
“Where is everyone? Why are the lights off? When did those clocks get put up?”
“They’re still in their rooms, I guess. The government has technology that can detect light energy, so we’re keepin’ the light off. I put ‘em clocks up last night. Answer your questions?”
“Yeah, but… What are we going to eat? How do we know where to go? What are we supposed to do all day?”
“Man, you ask a lot ‘a questions. We got dried food for ya. Ya can use ‘em candles. Those fancy, smancy technological radars don’t ‘tech no ol’ fashion light. Just stay in your room, I’m guessin’. We’ll bring ya some grub later. Now stop askin’ all ‘em questions and go back to your room.”
I hesitantly turn and walk back to my room. The fact that I couldn’t see the man I was talking to sort of terrifies me. For all I know, he could be a GA that was able to come into the haven and pretend to be one of the escapies, and he’s going to turn us all in, and we’ll be taken back to the government labs. I can’t go back to that city. I just can’t go
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back. They’ll find out about my test and perform the procedure that was originally supposed to happen.
James wakes up when he hears me come into the room. 
“What time is it?” he groggily asks. “Why are the lights off, Ronnie?”
“It’s nine,” I say, peeking out of the room at the old clock. “The GAs are searching today, and they have machines that can detect light energy, so we have to keep them turned off.”
“You mean you can’t see me right now?” he asks with a slight happiness to his tone.
“No…” I hesitate. “Why? What are going to do that requires me not to be able to see you?”
“Nothing.” I hear James stand up and walk towards the coffee table. My heart is pounding. What’s going on? The question is screaming in my mind. I hear the zipper of one of our backpacks unzip.
“James,” I stutter. “What… What’s going on? What are you doing?”
“Nothing.”
“No, you’re doing something.”
“I’m changing.”
“So why can’t I see you? I’ve seen you change like a billion times.”
“I’m changing everything, Ronnie. Like ‘I’m going to end up commando, changing everything’ changing.”
“That’s not that big of a deal, James. I’ve seen you almost completely naked before. Remember?”
“Yeah, but it’s different. I…”
“You’ve seen me practically naked, haven’t you? Hmm? You helped me change out of my wedding dress when I was sick. You took it off –leaving me in nothing but my underwear and bra– and put my jumpsuit on. And, remember that other time that you carried me outside in
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nothing but my bra and underwear, then you practically carried me inside buck-naked, and you helped me get dressed. James,” I say taking a step in what I think is his direction, “You don’t need to be embarrassed. I will love you no matter what. Remember that?”
“Yes. Okay. I’m going to light the candles.”
We now have three candles. We still have the candle that Lydia gave us. We found one in a drawer that the family before us must have left. We also found matches. The other candle was distributed to us; apparently everyone got one, even if you already had multiple. One day I found three rather large acorn tops and brought them back to make the candles stand up. James lights the candles, and the room immediately illuminates. James is still in his jumpsuit, well halfway. It’s unzipped to his hips; the rest dangles. His upper body is so muscular; I don’t think I ever realized.
We stare at each other for some time, then I say, “Look, I’ll change completely if you will. I haven’t changed since we got here, and my clothes disgusting.”
I walk over to my backpack and retrieve a bra, underwear, and a new jumpsuit. James has underwear and a jumpsuit in his hands, which he is twisting to suppress his nerves. I put my clothes on the bed and look in James’ direction. He gives me a look that says Go ahead; I’m waiting. I unzip my jumpsuit all the way and step out of it. I stand there, nearly naked, looking at James. He finishes unzipping his jumpsuit and steps out. We stand there looking at each other for a few seconds. Then, I take off my bra and place it on the bed. I quickly look at James, but he averts his eyes so that we don’t make eye contact. I put on my new bra. Then, I proceed to take off my underwear. I slowly peel them off my grimy body and look at James, trying to send him the signal to take his off too. He understands.
After we have both changed, I blow out two of the three candles.
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“What are you doing?” asks James.
“Don’t want to waste the candles. Plus we only really need one. I think I’ll check on Lydia.”
“Want me to–”
“No. It’s fine. I can go by myself.”
I walk to the door, unaware of everything that’s going on around me. I walk out of my room and let the door slam behind me.

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I enter Lydia’s room and sit down on her bed. She begins to talk to me, but I don’t know what she’s saying. Lucas and Weston are playing some game on the floor, Via is sitting on the other bed, and Meredith has pulled the cot into the corner of the room, and she’s sleeping, back turned towards us. I know she’s sleeping because of the steady rising and falling of her ribs. I stand up and walk over to her. I sit down on the cot and see that her eyes are opened. Meredith immediately sits up and crawls into my lap. She looks at me with eyes that say she needs to tell me something. I stand up, still holding onto Meredith and walk mindlessly out of Lydia’s room and into mine; I walk over to my bed and sit down next to James.
“Hey, Meredith,” says James.
“Hi,” she responds.
“You have something you need to tell me?” I ask.
“Mmmhmm.” She nods. “I don’t wanna stay in there anymore. I wanna come stay with you. I don’t like it in there. And, Ronnie, I’m scared.” She wraps her small, thin, pale arms around my neck and sobs into my shoulder.
“Shhh,” I whisper, comfortingly rubbing Meredith’s back. “It’s okay. You’re safe. I won’t let anything bad happen to you, and neither will James. We love you so much. Okay?”
“Yeah, Mere,” James inputs. “I love you and so does Ronnie. If anything were ever to happen, I promise you I’d protect you and Ronnie. I’d never let anything hurt either of you. Okay?”
“Okay.” She wipes off her wet face with the sleeve of her shirt.
I stare at the shirt momentarily, amazed by how much it’s been through. Then, I say, “We promise you.”
“You can stay here as long as you want,” says James. “I think you won’t be the only one happy about that.” He looks at me.
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“I want you to stay,” I whisper. “I want you to be mine, so that I can be with you all the time. Lay down. Go to sleep. I’ll wake you when it’s time.”
“Time for what?” Meredith asks.
“Time for you to wake up,” I answer.
I put Meredith down on the bed; we’ve acquired another pillow for her use. She snuggles up underneath the thin blankets and begins to be pulled away from this world and into another world where there are no GAs, or governments; no running, no homelessness, no hunger, no fear, no nothing but happiness.
Once I know she’s asleep, I turn and whisper to James: “I want to adopt her. I want her to be ours. I want to be able to hug her whenever I want. I want to talk with her whenever I want to. I want her to be Meredith Wilds. Can we do that?”
“I don’t know, but it’s worth a shot. We can ask Lydia later.”
“No,” I practically scream. “I don’t want to wait. I want to do this now. Please, James. Don’t you see how important this is to me? Can you possibly see?”
“I do, Ronnie. I know you better than anyone else, and I know that you want this more than you’ve ever wanted anything. Do you really want to do this now?”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes, James. What do you not understand about yes?”
“Okay, Ronnie. I’ll go talk to Lydia. You stay here with Meredith.”
“Okay,” I say. I didn’t really want to go anyways. I’m too scared she’ll say no.
I sit on the bed next to Meredith, waiting for James to return with any news. I wait, and wait, and wait; nothing. I decide to lie down next to Meredith, and just as I feel sleep pulling me down into its deep, dark depths, James
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slams through the door and runs over to where I’m laying.
“You’ll never guess what Lydia said, Ronnie!”
“What?” I answer, groggy.
“Yes! She said yes, Ronnie! Meredith can be ours now. She belongs to you and me. She’s now Meredith Wilds.”
Everything that I’ve ever wanted, needed– even if it was only a mere hallucination– is coming to me. My life is beginning to make sense; to take the shape of something miraculous. Anything that could possibly go wrong could never bring me down again. My life is beginning to become perfect.
~
I wake the next morning to find that the lights are still off. I check the old fashioned clock; the little hand’s on eight, big hand’s a little past the two. They must still be looking. The thought rushes through my head. We aren’t safe yet. Will we ever be safe? Can we defeat them? I want light. I want to see. Suddenly, something grabs my waist.
I flail around, trying to hit whatever is holding. Then, it turns me around to face it. Warm, strong arms hastily encase me. It’s James; I can tell by the softness of his skin, the muscles in the arms, the distinct smell of earth.
“I’m sorry, Ronnie,” he whispers in my ear. “I didn’t mean to scare you that bad. I was just gonna pick you up and hug you. I guess I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s okay,” I mutter, face pressed into his shoulder. My heart is pounding like the wings of a butterfly trying to escape a container it’s trapped in. James brushes away the tears slowly sliding down my cheeks with his thumbs.
“I love you,” he softly whispers in my ear.
“I love you too.”
Then, James lifts my head from its place on his shoulder and leans his forehead on mine. “We’re a family now, Ronnie. We’re finally a perfect, complete family. I promise to do the job of a father. I will protect my wife and
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daughter; I will make the nightmares not seem so scary. I want to be someone you and Meredith can come to whenever you need me. I will be the father I never had…” He begins to tear up.
“I know you’ll be the best father ever,” I say, running my hand through his hair. “You’re gonna be the best father in the entire world, or what’s left of it.”
Then, I lean in and kiss him. I pull away and walk over to the bed because I hear a noise. It’s Meredith; she’s having a nightmare, I can tell because she’s thrashing around and sweating.
“Here’s your first chance,” I say, turning in James’ direction.
He walks over to the bed and sits down next to Meredith. Then, he picks her up very gently, so that he won’t wake her, and cradles her in his arms. Occasionally, he’ll squeeze Meredith tighter to his chest and softly kiss her forehead. Eventually, the nightmare goes away, and she continues to peacefully sleep. Meredith wraps her tiny arms around James’ bicep and snuggles her head onto his chest. James lies down, carefully and lays Meredith on top of him. I crawl into bed and snuggle up next to James. He wraps one arm around me and the other around Meredith. Then, sleep takes us all with it.
~
“Good morning, Ronnie,” whispers Meredith, kissing my cheek.
“Hey,” I say. “Good morning to you too. I’m glad to see you up. I’m gonna wake up James. Wanna help?”
She nods.
“James?” Meredith whispers. “Wake up. Good morning.”
“Good morning, Mere,” James says in that beautifully slurred, groggy voice. Then, he wraps his arms around Meredith and pulls her into his chest, lightly brushing his lips across her cheek.
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“Why d’ya do that?” she asks.
“Oh, um… Has no one told you yet?”
“No?”
“Well, uh–”
“You’re going to come live with us,” I say. “You are part of our family now.”
“You mean I don’t have to be quiet anymore? I don’t have to be shy? I can be myself, and people will play with me and talk to me?”
“Yep,” answers James.
“You’re Meredith Wilds, daughter of James and Ronnie Wilds,” I add.
“Really?”
“Really,” James answers.
“Why would we joke about this?” I say. “We love you, Meredith. You make us– especially me– happy, and I, we, want you to be ours, so we made that happen.”
“I love you, Meredith,” says James.
“Me too,” I input.
“I love you, Ronnie and Jam– Mommy and Daddy.”

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After three days, candles are no longer needed to see anything more than a few inches in front of you. James moved Meredith’s belongings into our room yesterday during lunch. Lucas, Weston, and especially Via can’t find out that Meredith is my daughter now. We have to keep the secret, but I’m not sure for how long…
Our new family sits so that we’re removed from everything that is going on around us. We only want to be in this world of ours; no one else knows how to get into it, so we’re safe from intruders. In our world, we’re no longer in a war-torn reality, but a fantasyland of peace and love. No one keeps secrets, no one lies, no one fights, no one is ever unhappy. I wonder if this was the kind of land the government has always strived for: a utopia? We sit isolated from everything that could possibly hurt us.
I see Lydia, Lucas, Weston, and Via walk into the eating hall and quickly alert James.
“We have to go. They can’t see us,” I whisper. Meredith doesn’t know yet that they don’t know she belongs to James and me.
“We can’t make it too obvious,” he says, shooting a glance in Meredith’s direction.
We remain seated until the four are in the food line; then, we casually stand up and slip back to our room. Once we’re safely inside, Meredith begins to act as if she’s fighting a battle with her eyelids; she wants them to stay open, but everything else in this world wants them to close. Finally, she’s defeated. The battle has been finished. She’s asleep.
“When do we get to stop lying? When do we finally get to tell the truth?” I whisper the question to no one in particular, back turned towards James. I think I may have asked the question to myself more than to anyone else.
“Soon, Ronnie,” James whispers back. “Soon.” He slinks soundlessly over to where I’m sitting and puts his
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warm, strong, calloused hands on my shoulders.
“When is soon?” I ask, pivoting my body to face him.
“I don’t know. I don’t think I, or you, will ever know when ‘soon’ is. Nobody ever will.”
“I want to move to a room farther away from Lydia. I don’t want to have to constantly worry about her hearing what we’re talking about. I want to live whatever life I have left free; to do what I want.”
“Well, then what is it that you want to do?”
“Live free and shameless. Live without secrets. Live a normal life; but, then, what is a normal life? Maybe this is a normal life… I don’t know. I just feel like I don’t know anything anymore.”
“You know what’s something you’ll always know?”
“No. What?”
“I hope that you’ll always know that I love you.” James takes my chin in the tips of his fingers and raises it so that we make eye contact. Then, we kiss.
~
The man comes and makes his rounds a few days after the GAs’ search is over. He comes to my door and walks in without any invitation.
“May we help you?” I ask, astonished that he would just waltz into someone’s room and make himself at home.
“Yeah,” he replies. “Is everyone okay? Adjustments?”
I shoot a glance at James; he nods. “Yes,” I say. “There are. We would like to move to a room further away from here. Can you make that happen?”
“Probably.”
“Okay, good.” I allow my lips to form a small smile.
“I’ll be back later. If I find ya a room, you’re gonna hafta move in tonight.”
“We’re good with that,” James inputs.
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“Looky here, you do speak,” the man retorts.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” James asks irritably.
“Oh, nothing. It just means I thought you were too scared to speak or something.” He spits out the words like he’s trying to rid his mouth of the fowl taste they are causing. “You know she,” he nods his towards me, “was your ‘mommy’, and you’re afraid too talk to a stranger.”
“Don’t push me, old man.”
“James,” I say, grabbing his arm. I know that I’ll never be able to stop him if he lurches towards the man. He’s too strong for me. “Please stop, James.”
“Why? He just needs to get out! Then, I’ll stop.”
“Fine.”
“Thank you and sorry!” I cry after the man as he leaves.
“Shut up, missy! Oh, and you won’t be gettin’ that new room!” The thought of being stuck here for God knows how longs makes my eyes fill with tears.
“Yes we will,” says James, comforting me. “I’ll move us to another room. I’ll find us somewhere else to live. There are so many empty seats in the eating hall. There has to be a room somewhere other than next to Lydia.”
“Okay.” I sniff back to snot that usually follows my tears. I bury my head in his shoulders and inhale. I’m glad that Meredith has been asleep and is a heavy sleeper because I don’t want her to have to see me like this.
“Come ‘ere.” James scoops me up and places me on the bed next to Meredith. He tucks me under the blankets, like you would a small child. I’m the child; he’s the father. He guards me from the demons and tormentors. He will keep me safe until I wake.
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
See me safely through the night,
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Wake me with the morning light.
The mindless recitation plays over and over in mind. My mother used to call it my bedtime prayer, yet I don’t know what she means. This “prayer” is empty; thoughtless. There is no meaning to it! My mind screams at me; tearing my insides to shreds. It’s nothing! Screams fill every crevice of my head. It means nothing! You’re not safe! Nothing, no one will keep you safe! Screams fill every last centimeter of my body.
“I’m not safe. We’re not safe! No where is safe!” I scream, trying to over power the voices in my mind. I can’t; nothing will ever be loud enough to drown them out.
“Ronnie,” James whispers in my ear. “Ronnie!” A little louder. “Wake up, Ronnie! I’m here. I’ll keep you safe. We’re safe.”
“We’re not safe!” I scream, gulping air as though I’ve been underwater for too long. I thrash around punching, kicking, scratching whatever I can reach. “James, we’re not safe, James. We’ve never been safe, and we’ll never be safe!”
“Yes we will, Ronnie. Calm down. Okay? I’m here. We’re okay.”
“Where’s Meredith?” My voice sounds too soft, too calm to be coming from this body, this throat I call my own. It’s alienated. It’s a voice all its own; detached from any person.
“New room.”
“Where’s that?”
“Two halls down from here. Let’s go.”
“Mmhm.” I do not move, though. My body feels as if it’s made of the material used for constructing the GA vehicles.
“James?” I say after a moment. Now, my voice sounds strangled, like I’m trying to push the words past an invisible force that is choking me.
“Yes?”
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“Why are you doing this?”
“This? What, Ronnie? I don’t think I understand what you’re asking.”
“Why do you stay here, with me? I’m not very pretty, or smart, or nice. So why do you do it? Do you pity me?”
“Pity you? What?! No! I do ‘this’ because I love you; because you make me feel good, like when you get something you really want.”
“But why? You can’t possibly love me. There’s nothing to love.”
“I beg to differ. There’s so much of you to love. There’s your actions, ideas, thoughts, words, heart, body.
But, really I love that it didn’t matter about my life or your life. I feel like you chose me because you wanted to; not because someone told you to. I feel, well felt, that our love for each other was like breathing; it happens even when you aren’t aware it is.”
“But–” I’m at loss for words. My body automatically sits up, and my arms self-consciously wrap themselves around James’ neck, and my feet the same around his waist. James grabs the blankets, the only things left in our room, and drapes them over my back. I grab the corners and pull them in between his shoulder blades. He wraps his arms around my lower back and pulls me tighter to his body. I bury my head in his jumpsuit and tilt my head so that my mouth is right next to his ear. Then, I whisper, “I love you because you don’t and never have needed a reason to love me. I love you for loving me for me.”
Then, we leave.
~
In this new room, I feel as if we can finally be free. It’s practically the same set-up as our old room, but this one has two beds instead of one. One bed looks to be a queen, and the other is a twin. One for James and me; one for
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Meredith. There she is, my beautiful Meredith. I’ve noticed that she looks more like James and myself than Lydia and Reed.
“Hello, beautiful,” I say as I hop off of James.
“Hello, Mommy.” I don’t think I will ever get tired of her saying that word; that one word that can make or break my role in her life: Mommy.
“Hello, sweetheart,” James says, kissing both Meredith and I on the top of our heads, but he kisses my head longer. We’ve decided it is inappropriate to go full out with the kissing in front of Meredith.
“How have you been?” I ask.
“Magnifi– Mangifica– Magnificant. Magnificent!” She stumbles over her words more times than not because she’s still figuring out how they feel in her mouth. I have to remind myself that she hasn’t talked for nearly her entire life. I wonder if she talked to Zack?
“Magnificent!” I reply, flinging my arms into the air. Then, I run to her, arms still outstretched, and wrap them around her torso. I lift her into the air, and she lets a small shriek escape her usually clasped lips. James charges us like a bull would and plows us down onto the bed. We three lay giggling until it hurts.
“God, what would I do without you?” James whispers.
“You’d be alone,” answers Meredith.
I roll over so that I’m facing James, and my back is turned against Meredith. “You’d still be in the labs in the city.”
“You’re right,” he whispers back. “I’d still be asleep and under government control.”
I can’t help it. I lean in and kiss James; all promises have now been forgotten. It is only us in this world. I’m not sure how long we stay this way–I’ve found that I lose track of time a lot when I’m with James– all I know is that when our current world comes back the lights are off. Meredith is
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still sitting next to my back.
“When did the lights go off?” I ask.
“Just a second ago,” she responds.
“Alrighty,” James proclaims. “Bedtime!”
“Okay.” I can tell she is tired by the slight lag in her voice.
“I’ll put you to bed,” I say. I pick her up and carry her to her bed.
“Goodnight, Mommy, Daddy.” Then, she whispers, “I love you, Ron– Mommy.”
“I love you too.”

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The lights are on when I wake up. This is the first time that has happened in a long time. I’ve found that I cannot sleep knowing that at any moment GAs could come in and kill me; and my family… I get a small feeling of joy bubble inside of me. I have a family. I have a family of my own, that I chose.
“Good morning.” The sound is so quiet, so discrete that I feel that it may have been only my imagination playing tricks on me. Then, it comes again, a little louder: “Good morning.” I roll over. It’s Meredith.
“Good morning to you too,” I reply. “Sleep good?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
“Can we go get breakfast?”
“Um…” I glance in James’ direction. “I think we should wait for him to wake up.” I continue looking in his direction for a few more moments. “I guess we could go… He hasn’t slept well for the last couple of days, and I guess we shouldn’t wake him up.”
James was up almost all night. I know because I heard him sit up in bed after he thought I was asleep, stand up, and pace back and forth by the door. Then, I must have drifted off for a little while because next thing I know James is sitting down next to Meredith. Why was– The question momentarily runs through my mind. The answer pops into my head before I can finish the silent question. I remember waking up and hearing soft grunts, cries of pain, and whimpers; Meredith was having a nightmare. Then, I heard James whisper, “It’s okay, baby girl. I’m here. I’ll make the monsters go away.” The sound of a kiss; the noises subside. “I just made them go away with my love.”
James stood up and walked over to where I had been sleeping. He sat down, lay down, then thought for a moment, sat up again, leaned over, and whispered in my ear, “Good night, Ronnie. I love you.” He knows I’m
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awake.
“Good night,” I whispered back. “See when the morning’s light.”
“And I promise to see you safe throughout the night.”
My heart pounded. He knows it too. He knows the bedtime prayer. He knows my bedtime prayer.
Next, softly, I heard: “Now I lay me down to sleep…”
“I pray the Lord my soul to keep.” I finished the phrase.
“See me safe throughout the night…” He continued.
“Wake me with the morning light.”
“Good night, Ronnie.”
“Good night, James.” He encased my body and sleep took us with it.
  The memory, while fleeting, makes me warm inside.
“Let’s go get breakfast, Mere. We’ll bring some back for him.”
“Okay.”
~
We do not eat our breakfast in the eating hall. Instead, I carry back the food, which is carefully wrapped in a piece of cloth, and Meredith carries the medium can of water and three cups. Since there are now three people in my family, we’re given a medium can instead of the small can I received every meal when it was only James and myself.
When we return to our room, James is sitting up in bed with a panicked look in his eyes.
“Where the hell have you been? I thought something bad had happened! You scared me!” He’s screaming.
“Sorry,” I say, trying to suppress his anger. “You were sleeping we didn’t wanna wake you up because I know you haven’t gotten a lot of sleep lately¬–”
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“Don’t ‘sorry’ me! I thought that something serious had happened to you! Okay…” He runs his hands through his sleepily messy hair. “God, Ronnie… Ugh! Sometimes you really frustrate me!”
James’ comment hits me as hard as those wooden stick things hit those white round things in the popular game they played long, long, long ago.
“James… I’m sorry. Okay? I’m sorry! But there’s no need to say things like that.”
“Like what? Like the truth? Is that what you want me to exclude? The truth? I’m sorry if the truth hurts, but you’re gonna have to grow up sooner or later.”
“Meredith, go outside for a minute please.”
“Okay,” her voice quivers with fear.
“You really mean that?”
James inhales and lets his words bleed into the air he breathes out. “No, Ronnie. I didn’t really mean that. Okay? I’m sorry. I was just frustrated.”
He reaches out to wrap his arms around me, to apologize for the harm that he’s done, but it’s too late. I step back so that he can’t touch me.
“I’m not going to forgive you that easily, James. What you said hurt. Here!” I fling the food at his chest and call to Meredith: “You can come back in, Mere.” As she walks through the door, I continue to back up never averting my eyes from James’. I catch the door just as it’s about to close and at the last possible moment turn.
I don’t hear the door close; I don’t hear anything. I don’t know where my feet are taking me either. I walk and walk and walk until I am blinded with light of the morning. My feet have carried me outside. GAs are out here! Turn back! Run! They’ll find you! They’ll kill you!
“They’ll kill me.” The words escape my closed mouth. “They’re looking for me. If they find me, I’m dead.”
Then, I hear a noise…
~
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I run, but not in the direction of the underground haven; I run in the direction of the escapey village. When I’m a few hundred feet away I see that the village has been rebuilt. However, it’s not the escapies who have rebuilt it; it’s the government.
The buildings look exactly like those in the city that I fled not too long ago. They’re tall, sturdy, unbreakable. What on Ear¬–
I’m interrupted. “You think we are safe here?”
“Safe? No! No one will ever be safe here or anywhere as long as those felons are running a muck in this world!”
  I recognize those voices. I instinctively take another step closer to the voices but still stay hidden. I peer around the base of a rather large tree trunk. The voices are coming from a man and a woman. These people, those people, were mine, but now they’re as strange to me as I am to them. These people in front of me as I breathe the breaths of life are my parents. No, I correct myself; were my parents.
I run until my legs, arms, feet, hands, face, everything is numb. Tears begin to form in my eyes and blur my vision. Everything is smeared together as would a picture colored by a two-year-old; lines, colors, shapes merging together, indifferent from each other. Once my vision clears, I’m once again inside the dark depths of the underground haven. I go to my old room next to Lydia’s. The door is open and no one’s here. Everything is just how we left it. Except there’s something in one of the chairs at the coffee table.
I step closer. “Hello? Who’s there?” the voice calls.
Another step. The person is beginning to take a shape.
“Hello?” it calls a little louder.
“Hello,” I answer back.
“Ronnie?”
“Yes? Who are you?”
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“James.”
James! The name, the word; it makes me happier than anything in this world has ever made me. “James!” I whisper-scream. “Oh God, I didn’t mean what I said earlier.”
“Me either.”
I begin to walk towards him, hoping that he does that same. I stop. “Come here.”
“No. You come to me. I have something I need to tell you.”
“Okay.” I walk over to James and sit down in his lap. “Ye–” Then, I feel something wrapped around his stomach. “What’s this?”
“That what I needed to tell you. There’s, um… someone else here.”
“Besides us?”
“Yeah. I think you may know them.”
“Okay. Um, who is it?”
“Me,” says rough voice.
“Who’s me?” I ask. “James, are you playing around?”
“No.”
“He’s not.” There’s the voice again.
“Who, who are you?” My voice quakes with the fear that is slowly growing in my stomach.
“We’ve met before, but last time you were in his position…”
The shadowy figure of a man.
“Why are you here?” I spit. “Haven’t you already gotten everything from us you need?”
“Why matter of fact, no. You didn’t give me something I need when you were back in the city.”
“And what would that be?”
“Oh, you know. You see, I’ve looking for you just so I can do this. And why not now? It seems as good of
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time as ever.”
“What are you going to do?” I know the answer, but I cannot stop myself from asking the question.
“Don’t be a stupid little girl. Now, to make sure you don’t try and stop me…”
The figure grabs me before I can even think to move and ties me to the chair he must have been sitting in because it’s still warm from his body. He lights a candle, and the table is illuminated. Before looking at the table, I look at James. His eyes are bloodshot and look as if they’ve never known hope. Then, I look at the table, resistant. It’s covered in medical tools and other scientific equipment I don’t recognize. And at the side of the table farthest away from me there are four containers. Two empty and two occupied.
“Gonna have a little empathy.” And he smacks James in the back of the head. James’ head falls forward as if to show me the red mark of the blow. “You, however, have to watch.” He smirks.
The figure takes a tool that I don’t need to know what it is to know what it does; it will cut open James’ head.
“No! No! Stop it! Stop it! Stop!” My throat aches from screaming, and I notice that my cheeks are wet. “Stop! Please, stop! Don’t do it, please!”
“Idiot. You think that saying ‘please’ will stop me. You’re a fool if you think that’s true.”
“I’m not hoping that you’ll stop. I’m, I’m…” I suddenly become sluggish from my fit of rage. I’m hoping that someone will hear me. I finish the thought in my mind. Then, I scream as loud as I possibly can and don’t stop until sound no longer escapes my mouth. This has caught the figure off guard, and he drops the knife.
“Damn it! Look at what you did.”
“Sorry,” I manage to gasp.
“Shut up,” he grumbles.
I hear the door shift a little and hope surges through
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me. A hand creeps around the edge of the door; Lydia. Her eyes widen bigger than I knew eyes possibly could.
I mouth the word ‘help’ to her because I do not dare speak. Then, I bring a finger to my lips. The figure is occupied with the scientific tool and doesn’t notice Lydia come in. I remember putting a gun in one of the drawers when I lived here. James brought it for protection, and I put it there so we wouldn’t lose it, also so no one could find it. I nod my head in the dresser; she points at it, and I nod. Then, I hold up two fingers; she touches the second drawer, and I nod. She looks at me to find out what she’s supposed to be looking for, and I make a gun with my fingers.
The figure crosses my mind, so I look to make sure he’s not paying attention; he’s not. He’s rummaging through his bag for another knife. I look back at Lydia, and she has the gun. I nod my head in the direction of the figure; she nods. Lydia focuses the gun on the back of the figures head and places her fingers on the trigger.
Bang!
Thud.
It’s all over. He’s dead, and we are safe.
Lydia runs over to where I’m sitting and unties me. “Are you okay, Ronnie?”
“Yeah.” I stand up and walk towards James. I take the knife and with shaking hands cut the ropes binding him to the chair. James’ eyes flutter open and halfway close again.
“Mmmmm. Ronnie?”
“I’m here, James. I’m here. Okay? I’m fine. We’re safe. Where’s Mere?”
“She came to my room,” Lydia inputs. “She’s okay.”
“Good,” James groans.
“Can you stand up?”  I ask.
“Yeah.” He stands up and quickly clamps his hand on my shoulder for balance.
“You need me for anything?” asks Lydia.
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“We’re good,” I answer.
And with that, she leaves. I grasp James free hand and guide him to the bed. Then, I help him sit so that he’s leaning against the wall.
“What happened?” I see James’ eyes drift to the lifeless body of the figure.
“He came to do the procedure, James; on both of us. He found us, which means others must know where we are, and he came down here to perform the procedure.”
“Okay. Um… well, we will just have to find another place to live.”
“Yeah. God, I wish we could stop running.”
“I was gonna ask you when got you back, but where’d you go?”
I breathe in deeply and exhale softy, hoping the lack of oxygen will make me dizzy, and I’ll have to lie down, avoiding the question. “I… I, um…” I walk to the other side of the bed, crawl in, and snuggle up next to James. He puts his limp, heavy arm around me and brings me closer to his body. “I kinda went to the village. I don’t know why. It was like my feet had a mind of their own. Are you mad?”
“No. Considering everything that’s just happened, I’m just happy you’re safe. So, what did you see?”
“The government’s come in and built a replica of our old city. I saw a bunch of people I recognized.” I pause; it will hurt to have to admit this next part out loud, but I promised James no more secrets. “I, uh, saw my parents.”
“I’m sorry, Ronnie,” and he kisses the top of my head.
“They were talking about, about–”
“Shhh. You don’t have to talk about it.”
“No. If I don’t say it now, I’ll never be able to.” I push back tears. “They were talking about how no one’s safe because of us ‘felons’. They were talking like they had forgotten that I, their daughter, am one of those ‘felons’.”
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“They honestly may have forgotten, Ronnie. But you know what?”
“What?” I sniff.
“I’ll never forget you.”
“Thank you, James. You always know exactly what to say. I love you.”
“I love you too.” James kisses the top of my head, then my forehead, in between my eyes, the bridge of my nose, my left cheek, my right cheek, right above my mouth, then right below it, and finally presses his lips against mine. It feels strange and wonderful to feel this familiar feeling.
My instincts take over, and my body mechanically leaves the comforting grasp of James and positions itself so that I’m sitting in his lap, our torsos facing. My hands comb James’ hair, and my fingers become encased in his golden curls. Then, they run their way down to his neck so that I can pull him closer to me, never have to worry about letting go. My fingers linger only a moment before moving to his shoulders, where they lightly brush the muscles. Simultaneously, my feet curl up underneath James’ knees. My hands find the zipper of his jumpsuit, and before I do anything there’s a moment where neither of us breathe, like there’s not enough oxygen to suffice our demands.
The moment passes, and all actions resume. The tips of my fingers clamp down on the edge of the zipper and pull down. We do not move positions, but James simply slides his arms out the sleeves, and the jumpsuit falls, draping itself on the bed. The next move is James’. I am vulnerable, unable to decide my fate as would be the opponent in chess who is waiting for the other to make their move.
Only a second’s hesitation allows me stop this here, but there’s something inside me that can’t. I want to stop, but I don’t; I’m afraid, but I’m confident. I’m anxious, but I’m excited; I want to cry, but I want to laugh. I’m divided.
Before any part of me can feel anything, James leans
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his head over to my ear so that his mouth is touching it and whispers, “I love you, Ronnie.”
“I love you too,” I whisper back.
“We can stop. I don’t mind. I want you to make the decision. Just know I will do whatever you want me to, now and forever.”
I do not answer with words. I take James’ hand and lace with mine and twist my arm around my back. The other hand, I guide to my zipper. He grabs it. I nod. My jumpsuit unzips and I slip my arms out of it, letting it drape over the bed like James’.
The feeling of his hands on my bare skin makes me feel as if I’m going to throw up. Do I want this? I question fills my mind. Yes, I do. The answer replaces all doubt. I let go of James’ hand and run both of my hands through his hair. His fingers glaze my back with imaginary paint that makes my hair stand on end.
Then, I close my eyes…

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I wake with my head lying on James’ bare chest. The lights are off. James is sleeping, and I can tell because of the steady rise and fall of his chest. My mind suddenly realizes that we’re still in our old room, and Meredith is still in Lydia’s. I begin to ease my head off of James, but he makes a small noise in the back of his throat.
“Ronnie?” he grumbles.
“Yes?”
“Where are you going?”
“To go get Meredith.”
“Okay. I’ll come with you.”
Both of our jumpsuits still hang around our hips. I made the decision that I wanted to keep it on the level of ‘only top half bare’ last night. I unsuccessfully search for my bra which was thrown somewhere in the midst of the ordeal.
“James.” I’m hesitant in my question.
“Ronnie.”
“Have you, uh, seen¬ my, um…”
“Your um what?”
“My…” It’s dark. I can pretend I found it. “Ah ha! Never mind. I found it.”
“Okay.”
“Let’s go. I don’t think I can stand to be in this room much longer. You know, considering what has happened.” I’m cautious of the body and the scientific equipment, but not cautious enough because I trip over the figure’s arm, launching a screech from my farthest depths of the pit of my stomach. I wait for the stinging smack of my skin on the floor, but it never happens. James catches me.
“I’m always catching you, aren’t I?”
“I guess so.” I giggle. “Do you know what all of those tools are; you know, the ones on the table?”
“Yeah. Why?”
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“I just wanted to know.”
“What are you thinking?”
“What ever do you mean?”
“There doesn’t have to be light in order for me to know there’s a smirk, or grin, or whatever you call that look, on your face.”
“I just think we need to get rid of them because well they could be used against you.”
“God, I didn’t thi– You’re right.”
“Hey, if they try to use it against you, I won’t let them.”
“And if they try to use me against you, I won’t let them.”
“James, we have to run. We have to get rid of these tools. We have to leave, James. I’m not, you’re not, Mere isn’t, none of us are safe here.”
“But where do we go? How do we get there? You have to think logistics, Ronnie.”
“We need to just disappear all together; suddenly. Then, no one will suspect a thing.”
“Okay, so when do we ‘disappear’?”
“Tonight. I’ll go next door and get Mere. You go back to the room and pack everything up. At breakfast, we’ll each get half of double what we normally get. Then at lunch we’ll get the same amount and do the same at dinner.”
“So what do we do with the food? I mean like how do we carry it?”
“Remember when we left the village?”
“Yeah.”
“We can get Meredith’s bag and fill it with the food and drinks. And, we can use the figure’s backpack to carry Meredith’s stuff.”
“Okay. Your plan is getting there. But, now here’s the big problem: how to we leave the haven?”
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“After the lights go out. We can sneak out.”
“Perfect. Where do we go after that? We can’t go back to the village.”
“We’ll just have run the opposite way and see where it takes us. There’s bound to be other escapey villages. We can just do the same as last time.”
“I hope that your plan works, Ronnie.”
~
At breakfast, we follow the plan, but while we’re eating, I notice that people are looking at us strange; like they know something.
“James?” I whisper.
“Yeah.”
“Look. People are looking at us; you know, like they know something. Why are they looking at us like that?”
“I don’t know. Maybe they do know something about… You know what.”
We still haven’t told Meredith what exactly happened last night. I don’t think I ever want to tell her.
“Maybe. Let’s just hurry up and go.” I shovel food into my mouth, but then I suddenly feel as if I might throw up, so I stop.
“You okay?” asks James.
“Yeah.” I hiccup. “I just feel kinda sick to my stomach.”
“Don’t eat so fast. That could be the problem.”
“Okay. I think I’ll just take the rest of this back to the room with me. Later, if I feel better, I may wanna eat it.”
“Okay.”
I swipe the remaining food into a cloth that James is holding and tie it into a bundle. I walk out of the eating hall followed by James who is carrying Meredith. I try to ignore the stares, glares, and looks of disgust, but it doesn’t work. I see them, and they cut me in half like a knife.
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Only once I’m back in our new room, far away from Lydia’s room, am I able to breathe; really breathe, that is. I can’t wait to get out of this underground, crowded, dank hell. I hate this place more and more each second I spend trapped down here.
The entirety of the plan is followed through, and only is it when nightfall comes that I begin to doubt my choices. I pray to let the ones I love, Meredith and James, live through this. I pray for everything to work in my favor. I pray all these things and more.
I pray, but I’m not sure to whom.

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The lights are off. It is time to leave, but there’s a part of me that wants to stay. You can’t. If you stay, it’s basically suicide. I repeat the phrase in my mind like I’m trying to memorize it.
“You ready?” asks James, touching my shoulder.
“Yeah. You got Mere?”
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
“I–” I know that if I keep talking I’ll admit that I want to stay. “Never mind.”
“Okay.”
We leave our room and quietly shut the door. I, by instinct, begin to walk towards Lydia’s room. I’m not exactly sure why, but my mind is telling me that I need to go that way. As I get closer and closer to her room, the nauseated feeling is my stomach grows with each step. By the time I am standing next to the door, the feeling and the taste of bile has overcome my entire body.
“Ronnie,” James whispers. “We have to go. We don’t have time to stop and chat. Come on. Please!”
“Hold on,” I say, not caring how loud my voice is. “I have to do something.”
“What is it that you possibly have to do?”
“I’m not sure, but I have a feeling that something’s not right here.”
“Okay. Go in and see, but Ronnie, please be fast.”
“I will.” I stand, staring at the door, for a few minutes and then find the courage to open the door from somewhere unidentifiable. The door soundlessly opens and reveals a horrifying scene: Via lying on Lydia’s bed, pale and skinnier than normal. Lucas and Weston are sleeping on the cot. Lydia is sitting next to Via, holding her hand and softly weeping.
I hear her speaking under her breath: “Via, sweetie. Via, please say something. Please squeeze my hand if you
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can hear me. Via, please squeeze my, my…” Then, a cry of sorrow escapes from pit of her stomach. “Via?” Lydia’s voice is shaking. “Via, please; please do something, Via.”
I know why Via isn’t responding; she’s dead.
“Lydia?” I whisper.
She cranes her neck to look at me. “What?”
I walk over to Lydia. When I reach her, she stands up. I hug her, and we both begin to sob. Eventually, we sink to the floor and depend on each other to stay upright.
“Why does this keep happening to me?” she heaves between sobs.
“Sometimes bad things happen to good people more often than not,” I say. My father told me that when I was maybe six or seven. My mother was to have a baby in two months, but something happened, and the baby was lost. I didn’t understand why it had to happen to my mother of all people. She’s always been so kind, loving, and obedient.
I stand up and walk out of the room. I cannot stand being in that room anymore; not now while Via’s body is in there, not ever again.
“Was anything wrong?” James asks once I have closed the door.
“Mmmhmm,” I nod and bite my lip while I make the noise that is my answer. My eyes begin to fill with tears, and I guess that James notices because he put down the sleeping Meredith and the bag he’s carrying and wraps his arms around me. I press my face to chest. “It’s Via. She’s, she–” My voice breaks.
“It’s okay, Ronnie.” James comforts me, stroking my hair and back. “It’ll be okay.”
“Sweet, innocent, loving Via is gone, James. She’s gone! Why did she have to leave?!”
“I don’t know, Ronnie. I don’t know, but I do know that everyone will leave at one point or another in his or her life.”
“But why does her time have to be now?”
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“Beca–”
“Whatever.” Anger is beginning to consume me. “Let’s just leave this hellhole. I can’t stand it any longer.”
“Okay.”
~
James, Meredith, and myself emerge from the underground haven–even though it’s become less of a haven and more of a prison– and are greeted by the warm, still, sticky air of civilization. The bright whiteness of the wasting of energy penetrates the thick entanglement of what was once known as abandoned land. They’ve come in and seized this land away from us, just like they have everything we own, or owned.
“Why can’t they just mind their own business and stay out of our lives, James? We don’t need them, and they don’t need us, so why bother?”
“Because they’re idiots that don’t know when to stay out of other people’s business.”
“God, I’d love to just go over to them and…”
“Ronnie.”
“James.”
“You know good and well you can’t go do that. You’d get killed. Plus, you don’t have anyone to back you up.”
“Well I would hope that you would back me up.” I batter my eyes in the pleading fashion of a child no bigger than Meredith.
“You know I support you on many things, but I don’t support your suicide missions.”
“Isn’t that basically what this is?”
“Ronnie–”
“Yes.”
“–can we please just continue with the plan?”
“Sure. Let’s just pretend our entire world isn’t falling apart; that everyone is best friends, and we aren’t trying to
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kill each other just to prove that one is better than the other. We can just forget the fact that we aren’t the ‘better’ of those two friends; we’re the weaker one, the one that gets killed, James. Let’s just completely forget that someone could kill us at any moment, at any second.”
“Okay. I see your point.” James rubs the back of his head with the palm of his hand. “But what’s so wrong with being in that little world of ours? It’s a good place, Ronnie. Can we just stay in the good place?”
“You can,” I say and whip my head to face opposite James. “You can stay, live, and die in this ‘perfect’ fantasy world of yours, but I will be in reality if you need me.”
~
We walk away from the whiteness of the lights that mean enslavement and conformity in silence. As the white fades, daylight begins to appear. James and I decided that we would follow out this escape like we did the other; walk during the night, and sleep in the day. I find a small area of bushes and drag branches and leaves over to it to make the hiding place bigger and more camouflaged.
“You can sleep first,” James says as I’m finishing assembling the “shelter”. This is the first thing he has said to me since we had our fight.
“Okay.” I avoid eye contact.
“Hey, Ronnie.”
“Hmmm?”
“I love you.”
“Yeah. Me too.”
“Aren’t you gonna say it back?”
“I did.”
“I mean say ‘I love you’, Ronnie. It’s not the same if you just say ‘dido’.”
“I love you.” I raise my eyebrows. “Happy?”
“No.”
“Why? I said it back, didn’t I?”
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“You did, but you didn’t mean it. Please just tell me what’s going on. Okay? I can’t read your mind. I only want to help you, not hurt you. And I’m sorry if I do.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine. Okay? Everything’s all good. You don’t need to worry about it.”
“Um, yeah I do, Ronnie.” He takes my chin in his hands and forces me to make eye contact. “I wanna know what’s going on. You’ve been acting kinda weird lately, and I just wanna help you.”
“I’m fine!” I try to wiggle out of his grip, but it’s too strong. My eyes begin to fill with tears, not because James is hurting me but because I know he really does want to help, but I don’t know what’s wrong; so how can I tell him?
“No you aren’t,” he whispers. Then, he places his lips on mine. “No you aren’t.”
“It’s just–”
“What is it, Ronnie? I’m here for you. I promise you’re in good hands.”
“I can’t tell you.”
“Why?” I can tell he’s trying to suppress anger.
“I don’t know.”
“You have to know.”
“No,” I gulp. “I don’t know what’s wrong. There’s something that’s not right, but I don’t know what it is.”
“Well, in that case, I will be right here waiting when you figure it out. And when you do, we can fix it; together.”
“Thank you,” I whisper, pressing my forehead to his.

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I wake to the absence of day. My first thought is that James left me, but then I soon realize that’s not true; he’s asleep, cuddling Meredith.
“James?” I whisper, scared that someone will hear me.
“Yeah?” he answers back; his voice is normal.
“Shhhh!”
“What?”
“You’re being too loud.”
“Oh, sorry. Good morning,” he says, sitting up.
“Good morning. When did you fall asleep?”
“Sunset. It looked all clear, and you look so tired, and I didn’t want to wake you up.”
I don’t know what to say. Instead of speaking, I just stand up and motion for James to follow. He does. We half crawl, half walk out of the brush cave.
“What is it?” he asks, once we are outside. The sky is darker than usual tonight. The moon is only but a sliver, forming the beginning of an imaginary smile.
“I know what it is.”
“What what is?”
“The problem, James.” I inhale. “I know what the problem is.”
“Well…”
“Okay, so you know how the figure knew exactly where to find us?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, how could he have been the only one to know; someone else had to have known where we were.”
“Okay? I’m following. I mean we already established that, so that’s why we left.”
“But isn’t it kinda suspicious how no one seemed to care where we’re going. People saw us, James. People in the city did. It’s almost like they know exactly where we are
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going and someone has already been sent to get us.”
“You know, now that you mention it, I did notice that a few people saw us and had this look in their eye like they know something we don’t.”
“That’s what I mean! We need a new plan.”
“Okay. I agree; but now, we need to run.”
I don’t disagree. Instead, I follow the statement as if it was a command. I walk back into brush cave to find that Meredith is awake.
“Mom–” She bursts into tears before the word is finished. Meredith hastily stands up, runs to me, and flings herself into my arms. I embrace her pale, small, boney body; pulling her closer and closer with each breath I take, almost as if I am trying to make her become part of me.
“Shhhh. I’m here,” I whisper. “It’s okay. Everything’s okay now, Mere. I’m here.”
“But you left. Where did you go? I thought you had left me here. I was scared.”
“I’m sorry, Mere. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“It’s okay,” she heaves between sobs. “But never leave me again.”
“I will never ever leave you ever again, my sweet Meredith.”
“Promise?”
“Promise. Now, come on. We have to leave.”
“Where are we going?”
“I don’t know. All I can tell you is away from here.”
Meredith and I stand up, gather what scarce belongings we have, and leave the brush cave. James is standing outside just as I left him. I pick up Meredith and begin to walk, hoping James will follow, but he doesn’t.
“James! We have to go. Come on!”
“Okay.” He doesn’t move.
“Why aren’t you com–” He turns towards me and begins to walk.
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We walk in mind-racking silence until the soft, warm light of day begins push away the black velvetiness of the night. Communicating with our bodies instead of our words, we agree on the place that we’ll take refuge. A group of ever-growing trees creates a roof-like structure and bushes surrounding the sides make a perfect place for sleeping.
“What’s wrong, James?” I ask, breaking the silence that has made me feel like a mad man.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean you were just standing there, staring into space, or at something, and I just want to know if you’re okay.”
“I’m fine, but I was just thinking, you know, about everything that’s been going on lately. I just started thinking about what would happen if we were caught; like would it be so bad if we just gave up and stopped all this? I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be awful we just let them capture us. Maybe it would be kinda nice to get to enjoy things like real food, showers, beds, clean clothes… Maybe all this is just aimless, foolish wandering; maybe we should give up.”
“James,” I say, placing my hands on his shoulders. I can’t quite reach them, so I have to stand on my tiptoes. “Listen to me. We are running for a purpose: to get away from those god-awful people. Okay? Do you love me?”
“Yes, Ronnie. I love you. Don’t you know that? I love you more than anything in this entire world. Remember? My love for you is the ‘if-you-were-to-die-I-would-kill-myself’ love. I can’t go a day without you.”
“Well, if we give ourselves up, they’ll separate us. Remember? We are different ages. They would take us away from each other, do the transplant, and we would forget all about each other. I don’t want that to happen; I love you too much to let you go–” I slide my hands up so that I can cup his face in my hands, touch my forehead to
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his, and whisper– “I wouldn’t be able to get myself up in the morning, knowing that I let the person that means the entire world and more to me go.”
Then, James cups my face in his hands and whispers, “And I wouldn’t be able to get myself up in the morning, knowing that I let the person that means the entire world and more to me let me go so that I could go a different way than they do.” He wraps his strong arms around me and presses me close to his body. I bury my head in his chest. I look up, unable to stand the fact that I can’t see him. Then, he leans down and kisses me; the warmth radiates through my entire body. James straightens and causes me to lose my stance on the ground.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, suddenly unable to breathe. “I’m just not ready to give up everything I’ve worked so hard for quite yet.”
“It’s okay,” he whispers back. “I’m not ready to give up the thing that has shown a light on my life.”
“Please promise me that you will try to run and not get caught to the best of your ability, James.”
“I promise you that I will not rest until you, me, and Meredith are safely out of reach of those damn GAs, Ronnie.”
“Thank you.” I take James hand, in spite the fact that his hand is almost twice the size of mine, and pull him towards the shelter where Meredith is sleeping. I take my and James’ backpacks and place them resting against the trunk of one of the tree on the front side of our shelter. When I turn around, James is lying down next to Meredith; but, as walk closer, he slides back so that I can fit in the space between the two. I lay down, and James moves back so that we are touching. He wraps his arms around my waist, and I wrap mine around Meredith.
~
I wake up to the sun slowly slipping away from the earth like butter slips about on a hot pan. Meredith and
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James are already awake. They stand, silent, looking at the mysterious beauty of the sunset; their silhouettes are dark with rays of light exploding from all sides. They’re beautiful. I’m in disbelief that this is my life, this is my family, this is my world. I see Meredith reach her small hand up and grasp James’ pointer and middle finger. This life is not real. It can’t be. Can it?
“Do you see how beautiful it is, Meredith?” whispers James.
“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, Daddy,” she whispers back.
“The colors; the way they run together… It’s spectacular.”
“What does spectacular mean, Daddy?”
“Spectacular means something so magnificent, so wonderful that it almost doesn’t seem real. For example, my life; my life is so spectacular right now that I’m scared it’s a dream, and I’m gonna wake up to find that it wasn’t real, and I actually live in some horrible, awful world.”
“But how is your life horrible? Don’t you like it? Aren’t you happy?”
“I am, Meredith. Why?”
“You said it was horrible. Don’t you like how me and Mommy are in your life? Are you not happy with us?”
“No, Meredith. I love you, and I love Ronnie. I just don’t love the other people in this world. They’re mean, and nasty, and harmful. They don’t like me or you, so I don’t like them.”
“I’m happy you love me ‘cause I love you.”
“Well, I’m happy you love me ‘cause I love you.”
This life is perfect. I want every moment in this life to be like this moment. Suddenly, I realize that the sun has set. James must realize this too because he picks Meredith up, turns, and begins to walk in my direction.
“Hey,” I whisper when he is close enough to hear me.
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“Hey right back. How long you been up?” he asks, putting Meredith down.
“Long enough.”
“For what?” He sits down next to me.
“To hear what you said to Mere. It was really sweet. I loved it.”
“Oh, that. Yeah…” He scoots closer.
“Did you not want me to hear that?” I know he didn’t.
“Not really.”
“Well, I think you should be happy I heard it.” I lean in and kiss him. James pushes one hand through my hair behind my left ear and uses the other to support himself. “By the way,” I whisper, barely audible, “you made my love for you grow beyond imagination when you told Meredith that your life is spectacular.”

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“You just wanna stay here tonight?” I ask James. There is no moon tonight, so we will have nothing to guide us on our tolling journey.
“Maybe,” he answers. “I’m just a little scared that if we do stay they’ll find us. But, if we go, how will we find our way? We won’t have the moon to help us see where we’re going?”
  “So…” I say, or ask, I’m not really sure which.
“So, I say let’s just stay here.”
“Okay. I’m good with that. What do we do then?”
  “What do you mean?”
“Well, normally, we would move to a new hiding place, but now we can’t; so, what do we do until tomorrow night?”
  “How about this: we make a plan to move when daylight first breaks. We’ll have to move fast, but at least we will be able to get a little distance between us and this spot.”
“That could work. We’ll just have to be ready to so that we can move fast.”
“So, it’s settled?”
“Yeah, we’ll move to a new hiding spot at daybreak.”
~
After hours and hours of waiting and planning, we are ready to move. The once black night sky begins to slowly bleed into gorgeous gold, pinks, oranges, reds, and purples. We make our move. I lead us through the forest, constantly stumbling over rocks, sticks, limbs, and tree roots. I am carrying the bags that contain everything that we own, and James carries Meredith. Because it is still mostly black, I clench James’ hand so that we don’t get separated, and he clenches mine back. We are unbreakable, inseparable; that is until we see the bright lights quickly
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charging us.
Panic takes over every inch of my body, and I do the unspeakable: I let go of James’ hand.
~
My mind is so panicked that I don’t know what I’m doing; I run in the opposite direction as James, the only person who truly matters to me. I was so focused on being separated that I did not notice how close the lights are. I absent-mindedly run behind a large tree just in time because the lights are upon me.
I wait and I wait for the line of lights to end, but whenever I think that the last vehicle has gone by, another line, and another line, and again another, and yet again another line pass by; all I want right now is to find James and Meredith. Please let me, and James, and Meredith survive this. Please let me see them again. I sink down to the ground, clench my knees against my chest, press my face to my knees, and begin to silently sob for the fear that someone will hear me. Please let us all live; please let me see them again. The phrase is repeated over and over in my head, blocking out all noises around me. I finish my silent prayer to some mysterious being only to realize that the vehicles and their blinding lights are gone. I quickly stand up, and I’m about to go find James and Meredith when I remember the first time James and I fled the government; the vehicles had left, but there were GAs that surveyed the terrain a little while after. I wait for what seems like an eternity before 10 or so GAs walk past.
I let them all pas and make sure they are out of sight before I move into the clear. I immediately dash over to the trees across from me. I cannot find them. I suddenly have this pain in my stomach that feels as if someone punched me. I run around in circles for 30 or so minutes before collapsing on the ground in a heap of tears.
“Oh my God,” I whisper to myself. “They’re gone. The government took them, and they’re gone.” I sob so hard
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that I fall over. Then, out of nowhere, I hear the rustle of leaves. I spring upright. “Who’s there?” I attempt to scream, but my voice is hoarse from crying.
“It’s me, Mommy.”
“Meredith?”
“Yeah. What’s wrong?”
“I thought you had been taken by the GAs. I thought you were gone. I thought I had lost you forever.” I reach up and grab Meredith; then, I pull her down into my embrace. “I love you so much.” I close my eyes and squeeze Meredith so hard; I’m pretty sure I almost suffocate her. My eyes still closed, I take a deep breath.
When I open my eyes, I see James walking towards us. I stand up and run in his direction. I jump up into his outstretched arms, knocking him off balance.
“James,” I whisper in his ear. “I thought you were gone. I thought I had lost you forever. I thought… I thought…” I can’t finish my sentence no matter how hard I try.
“Shhh…” James strokes the top of my head. “It’s okay now. Everything will be okay now. I’m here, Meredith’s here, and we’re all alive.”
I bury my head in James’ shoulder, hoping that the smell of him will comfort me. Then, I feel Meredith wrap her small, delicate arms around my leg. I pull my head away from James’ shoulder and look up at him, and then I look at Meredith. We pick her up, squeezing her in between us.
“I love you both so much,” James whispers. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
We put Meredith down, and I look at James. I stand on my tiptoes and cup his face in my hands. “I love you so much too. You have no idea how upset I was when I thought that I had lost you forever. I felt like my whole world was falling apart.” I lean in and let my lips touch his. I feel a tear run down my cheek; and, just as quick as it
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came, James brushes it away. “I felt like the light that had lit up the darkness of my life had been lost forever. I couldn’t see anymore.”
“I can’t believe you remember me saying that to you.”
“How could I have ever forgotten?”

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The sun slowly begins to creep up from under the surface of the earth. We must find somewhere to hide, for the daylight makes it nearly impossible to move without being seen. After frantically searching for maybe half of an hour, James finds a hollow area in the forest floor that’s hidden behind a group of bushes. All three of us squeeze, squish, and cram into the dip with some difficulty.
As our journey has lengthened, the weather has become colder and colder. Running has made me forget about the weather, but the longer we stay in our hiding place, the more and more I am reminded how cold it is. I notice that Meredith is shivering, so I scoot closer to her, hoping that my body heat will warm her small, frail, pale body. I close my eyes and with each breath I pull Meredith closer to my body. I must have been shivering because James comes up behind me and wraps his arms around Meredith and me. Last thing I remember is Meredith whispering, “I love you, Mommy and Daddy.”
~
I wake up before James and Meredith. We are still pressed together, clenching each other for warmth. I lay here, taking in everything around me. Then, I hear voices; they’re faint, but I hear them. I dig my heel into James’ shin, waking him up. He springs up with a look of confusion on his face, but then, he must hear the voices too because he soundlessly flops down next to me.
“What do we do?” I whisper, panicked.
“I don’t know. Just stay here and hidden, I guess.”
“Okay. Well, let’s not tell Mere though; I don’t want to scare her.”
“Okay.”
We lay and wait and wait as the voices get closer and closer. The voices are coming closer; they’re almost upon us. I scrunch my body up smaller than I even knew I could. We wait and wait, and we barely breathe. They walk past
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us, pausing only a moment after they pass by where we’re laying.
“Where d’ya think they are?” It’s a woman’s voice, and then it suddenly hits me; the woman is my test distributor.
  “I don’t know, Johann, but we better find them soon. Big Man’s gettin’ pretty fed up with us.” The second voice is a man; one of the ones that cleaned blood off my testing chair.
“Yeah.” The other blood-cleaning man. “Big Man ain’t gonna be happy if we come back without them two fugitives.”
I constantly have to remind myself to breathe, but breathe softly. I watch them walk dangerously close to where we are hiding. I silently pray. Don’t let them find us. Please don’t let them find us. We just want to live our own lives. We don’t even want anything to do with them anymore. We aren’t even bothering them. Please let them walk away without finding us.
“Where else ya think they could be?” the lady named Johann says.
“Anymore fugitive campsites around here?” one of the men asks.
“Don’t think so,” Johann replies. “There aren’t that many places for them to hide, so I don’t know why this is so damn hard to find them!”
“Let’s just keep walking. I’m pretty sure there’s another town we can stay in tonight that’s not too far from here.”
The trio walks away. I wait until I can no longer hear the crunching of dead leaves to even think about moving. I turn to James to try to tell him something, but I find that he’s asleep. I lay back down and try to find the seemingly protective blanket that is sleep, but it’s nowhere to be seen. I lay, waiting impatiently, for a slumber that I believe may never come.
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~
  I don’t remember falling asleep, but I wake up to a sky that is the light gray color of our old houses in the city that I no longer belong to. Then, something exotic and strange happens: little, wet, white flakes begins to sail down from the sky. They pile up on the ground and make everything look white, clean, and pure.

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I lay watching the white flakes collect for a long time before I move, or wake anyone up. I finally can no longer stand being the only one awake, so I whisper James’ name until he begins to stir.
“Yes,” he says in that sluggishly sleepy voice that I love.
“Look,” I whisper. I nod upward towards the flakes.
“Snow.”
“Snow?”
“Snow. That’s what those white flakes are. It’s very common for this place this time of year. I’ve heard about them before, but I’ve never seen them in person before.”
“Should we be worried?”
“No. I don’t think so, but I guess we should start moving again.”
I go to wake Meredith up when I notice that her fingers are beginning to turn purple and that she is shaking uncontrollably. 
“James,” I say, never averting my eyes from Meredith. “Come here. Something’s wrong.”
“What is it?”
“It’s Meredith. She’s… She’s… I’m not really sure what’s wrong, but there’s something not right.”
James walks over to where I’m standing next to the sleeping, purple Meredith and crouches next to me. He lightly touches a hand to her neck and he wraps his other hand around my waist.
“What’s wrong?” I gasp, pushing the words past an invisible force that is trying to keep me from talking.
“She’s really cold,” he whispers.
“Like a dead person?”
“No. Not that cold but almost.”
“No. No. No. No–”
“Ronnie, look at me. She’s okay. We just need to 
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warm her up. Help me pick her up.”
James and I pick up her nearly lifeless body.
“How do we do that?”
“Face her towards you and sit her in your lap.”
“Okay?”
“Then, come sit in my lap the same way.”
I inch my way into James’ lap, clutching Meredith to me like she is a precious treasure I’m afraid to lose or like I’m afraid I might drop her. Once I’m sitting in James’ lap, he wraps he arms around me. I pull away from Meredith and James, forcing James’ hands to unclasp, and unzip my jumpsuit. I put Meredith inside the small opening and hold her close once more. Meredith’s icy skin makes my skin begin to go numb. James never wraps his arms around us. He is doing the same thing I did. He wraps his arms around us at last.
“Please don’t leave me, baby girl,” I whisper in Meredith’s ear. Her breaths are shallow and spread apart. “Please don’t go. I love you so much. Please don’t leave.”
I wait and wait for her breathing to become normal. Please don’t let her die. Please! Please don’t let her die. I’m not ready for it yet. I want to live with her peace first. Please! Let her live. The inevitable tears slowly slide down my cheeks. Suddenly, Meredith’s eyes flick open.
“Meredith?” I gasp. “Baby girl?”
“Mom–” she says in a strained whisper.
“Shhhhhh. It’s okay. I’m here.”
“I’m really cold, Mommy.”
“I bet you are.” I let out a laugh-like snort, still crying.
~
Meredith has stopped shaking, and the color returned to her fingers, so we begin to move towards the place that promises us our freedom from the government. We walk and walk for what seems like forever and ever. The snow
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piles up, higher towards the sky with each hour that passes.
“We can walk through the night,” James says, more to himself than to me or to Meredith. “The government doesn’t have vehicles equipped to travel through snow.”
“But can’t the GAs just look on foot?” I ask.
“No. I bet that half of them don’t even know what snow is or looks like, much how to handle it.”
“Okay,” I say, hesitant to agree. “How far away from the next escapey village do you think we are?”
“Not too much longer. I think that if we walk through the night– Hello? Ronnie? Anyone home?”
“Hmmm. What? Sorry.”
“You good?”
“Yeah… Hey–”
“Hey?”
“Do you still have all the stuff we packed back in the city?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Don’t we have electric fire starters?”
“What?”
“Didn’t we put some in the backpack?”
“Oh my– Yeah! We do, Ronnie! I totally forgot. Oh my God. Wow! I’m so happy you– I can’t I didn’t– I could just kiss you!”
“Please don’t. It’s kinda yucky,” Meredith says, gripping my hand tighter.
“Don’t worry. We won’t.”
“Good.”
“So, James?” I say.
“Yes, Ronnie,” he answers.
“How far is the next village?”
“My guess is about one day, maybe two, if we walk all night.”
And, so we do…
~
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The snow makes our walk slow, and I think it would have been painful if the coldness hadn’t made me numb. Not only does my body feel numb, but my insides are numb too. They’re still convulsing from previous events. The snow has stopped falling, and floating, and skating down from the sky, but the aftermath is the actual difficult part. Each time you have to lift your foot to take a step feels like you are trying to lift a huge block of ice with nothing but your finger. James is numb too; I can tell by the way he has to pull all of his strength from the deepest depths of his insides just to take a single step.
“How much further?” I ask, but James does not hear me because my voice is so hoarse. I clear my throat. “How much further?” I ask again, this time audible.
  “I hope not much,” he says. It sounds like he is having a hard time speaking too.
“Can we stop here and maybe camp for the night?” I wait for a moment, then add, “We have fire.” I don’t want either of us to forget again.
“Yeah. I guess.”
Meredith has not said a word since her incident earlier, and I’m beginning to become worried. I want her above anyone or anything to be safe and well.
“How ya doing, Mere?” I ask, hoping to spark a conversation.
Nothing. She just shrugs her shoulders. I hope that she isn’t relapsing to her prior manner.
“You feeling okay?”
“Yeah… Maybe… I guess… I don’t know…”
Good. She isn’t.
“You wanna stay here, tonight?”
“Mmmhmm.”
“Okay. Well, we’re gonna build a fire, and you can snuggle up with me and James.”
“I’d like that.”
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“Me too,” says James; the statement coming from nowhere in particular.
~
The fire is not as warming as I thought it would be, but it is better than sitting in the dark frigidness of night. When I finally fall asleep, Meredith’s is pressed against my stomach, and my back is pressed against James’.
Now I lay me down to sleep;
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
See me safe throughout the night;
Wake me with the morning light.
James whispers our bedtime prayer in my ear. I don’t hear anything else until I am woken with the morning light.

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When I’m woken by the morning light, I notice that the snow has stopped falling from the sky. The only sign that it has snowed is the white, icy blanket that covers the ground. The fire never went out last night, so I don’t have to worry about anyone freezing.
“Good morning, Ronnie.” The voice comes from behind me, so it must be James.
“Good morning,” I say. “When did you get up?”
“Not too long ago.”
“Okay. Well, let’s get moving. I wanna get to the next escapey village as fast as possible.”
“Okay.”
I wake up Meredith, and we pack up the electric fire starters. James begins to walk towards what I guess is the direction of the escapey village. I follow carrying Meredith. We walk and walk.  I pause after we have walked for two or three hours. My feet are growing numb, and it’s too painful to walk anymore.
“James, hold on for a second.” I crouch down and sit on a mostly covered tree root.
“What’s wrong?”
“The snow. It’s making my feet numb.”
“Okay. Well, take some time. Then we need to get moving. I think we’re less than a day away.”
“Oh my– Really?”
“Yeah.”
“Let’s go!” I stand, pick up Meredith, and begin to walk in the direction of the village.
~
The more we walk, the more the anticipation of what could be builds. I begin to not mind the numbness that penetrates every bone, every tendon, every blood cell in my feet. The excitement that comes with the feeling of possibly having a life where I will not have to hide anymore is
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overwhelming. The adrenaline rushes through me like an overflowing river rushes through a weak dam. My blood is flowing hot through my veins. The thought of being free, actually free, is almost too much to bear.
  I turn back to James, Meredith on my hip and her head on my shoulder. “You ready?” I whisper.
He picks up his pace, and I slow mine to a complete stop. We meet; side-by-side. James takes my hand in his. I lace our fingers. Finally, he whispers, “Are you?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, let’s go then.”
  We hand-in-hand until the escapey village is in sight. When I can’t hold it back anymore, I let go of James’ hand and begin to run towards it. My heart is beating so hard, so fast that I can’t hear anything else. I see, but do not hear, James run in front of me. Out of everything that is happening at the moment I have forgotten anything physical or mental that could have ever slowed me down; I am titanium. I am unstoppable. I am free. I am–
Then, I feel something like a gunshot hit the back of my thin; then my shoulder; then my lower back. I fall, crashing to the ground. I see Meredith’s mouth open in a scream, but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t see James anymore. I want to so badly, but I don’t; I can’t.
I hit the icy, white snow face first. The impact sends tiny daggers into my face, my hands, my everything. I reach for Meredith, but my hands cannot seem to find the familiar feeling of her body.
Then, it goes black…

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