Heaven or Hell?

A Screenplay

EXT. GRAVEYARD-NIGHT

The Churchyard is full of wandering spirits; they float around aimlessly in circles.

ANGEL is a short man with blond hair and blue eyes. He is dressed in an all-white robe and a pair of white wings. DEMON is a tall but overweight man with a long unkempt beard and two black horns on his forehead.

ANGEL and DEMON are in an argument surrounding a single gravestone.

DEMON

(Constantly and excessively stuttering)

Angel s-s-s-sir, he has g-g-g-got to go t-t-t-to hell. He was a m-m-m-mean man who was b-b-b-bitter and t-t-t-terrible.

Angel snatches skull from Demon.

ANGEL

(Singing to the tune of “I’m a Little Teacup”)

This was a great man, nice and good.

He should go to heaven, I know he should.

Demon snatches skull from Angel.

DEMON

(Constantly and excessively stuttering)

This g-g-g-guy did m-m-m-many crimes, include b-b-b-burning many hospitals and b-b-b-buildings.

Angel snatches skull from Demon.

ANGEL

(Singing to the tune of “I’m a Little Teacup”)

Those hospitals were overpriced,

And the orphanages weren’t very nice.

Demon snatches skull from Angel.

DEMON

(Constantly and excessively stuttering)

B-b-b-but he only b-b-b-burned the b-b-b-building b-b-because he thought it was f-f-f-fun. He is an arsonist-t--t.

Angel snatches skull from Demon.

ANGEL

(Singing to the tune of “I’m a Little Teacup”)

It does not matter, the crimes were just,

Sending him to heaven is a must.

Demon snatches skull from Angel

.

DEMON

(Constantly and excessively stuttering)

Are you ins-s-sane?!?

He is such a b-b-bad m-m-m-man. How could you th-th-th-think he should go to heaven?

Angel snatches skull from Demon.

ANGEL

(Singing to the tune of “I’m a Little Teacup”)

I’m not c-c-crazy, I’m just fine.

I really do think this man should be mine.

Demon snatches skull from Angel.

DEMON

(Constantly and excessively stuttering)

N-n-n-no way! I c-c-can’t let this h-h-h-happen. You have got to have some ulterior m-m-motive!

Angel snatches skull from Demon.

ANGEL

(No longer singing)

Ok, fine. You got me. Look, I’ve got to get 20 people to heaven by the end of this week. If I don’t, my boss is gonna fire me.

Demon snatches skull from Angel.

DEMON

(Constantly and excessively stuttering)

I knew there was s-s-s-something b-b-b-behind this. I won’t let you g-g-get away with this!

DAVE FROM PURGATORY suddenly enters and snatches skull from Demon. Purgatory is the void between heaven and hell where the fate of souls is in limbo.

DAVE FROM PURGATORY

(Speaking in a monotone and boring voice)

Hey guys, my name is Dave, and I’m here from Purgatory. Let’s get this thing going. If you can’t figure out if he belongs in heaven or hell, I’ll just let him rot in purgatory.

DEMON

(Constantly and slightly less excessively stuttering out of frustration)

W-w-w-what are you d-d-d-doing here? This is between me and h-h-him. I’ve got to sort this out f-f-f-fair and sq-sq-sq-square.

DAVE FROM PURGATORY

(Speaking in a monotone and boring voice)

I get you want to be all fair and everything, but the rules are rules, and I gotta get this guy somewhere, right place or not.

Angel snatches skull from Dave from Purgatory.

ANGEL

(talking angrily to the tune of “I’m A Little Teacup”)

You’re a total buzzkill, mean and rude.

I can’t say I like your at-ti-tude.

Get out of this churchyard, leave us be.

You better be gone by the count of three!

DEMON

(Constantly and slightly less excessively stuttering out of frustration)

You shut up-p-p-p, you c-c-con artist.

DAVE FROM PURGATORY

(Speaking in a monotone and boring voice)

Okay! Relax! Look. If you can have this done soon, it’s up to you. Just hurry.

Dave from Purgatory storms off of the stage in a huff.

ANGEL

(Talking normally)

Ok, look, I really need this job. If I get fired, I won’t be able to pay my rent. I’m already way behind on my rent, and I can’t let it go another month.

Demon snatches skull from Angel.

DEMON

(Constantly and slightly less excessively stuttering)

Th-th-th-that is it! I’m g-g-g-going to celestial HR

in heaven to f-f-f-file a complaint.

Angel snatches skull from Demon.

ANGEL

(Singing to the tune of “I’m a Little Teacup”)

Please, please, leave him to me,

I just want to set a good man free.

(Angel looks at audience member.)

You there, you there, can’t you see?

Heaven is the one place he should be!

DEMON

(Constantly and slightly less excessively stuttering)

F-f-fine! Take him and l-l-live with the fact you let a t-t-t-terrible man go!

Demon storms off of stage.

ANGEL

(Talking normally)

Oh, thank God, I was worried I’d get fired. I hope he doesn’t go to HR. They’ll never get off my back.