“ You look beautiful” Josh whispered in my ear.
  “ Thank you” I replied
I couldn’t help to blush. How could I not ? He was amazing, he was all I needed and wanted. I was the perfect girl, in a perfect world with a perfect boyfriend.  Although we had our differences I didn’t care. I loved the idea that we were so different, yet we were in love. I guess opposite do attract.
“ Are you ready ?” he asked me
“ Of course” I replied
My thoughts were suddenly, rudely, interrupted. And I felt a heavy hand pat my shoulder.
“ Hey, Sarah are you ok?” asked John
“ Huh? What? I mean yea, yea I’m fine. Sorry I was just thinking”
“ I’m worried about you, Sarah. You’ve been acting strange lately. You’re not the same. Seriously, is everything okay ?”
“Yes, and i’m sorry i’ve been making you feel worried. I’m just stressed that’s all. You know with finals and all. I just want to do great and get it over with”
“ Okay, I understand. Just know i’m here for you whenever. I love you Sarah, and I hate seeing you like this”
“ Thanks I love you too. Hey, umm, I have to get going. I’ll talk to you later, okay ?”
“Ok just give me a call or text me. I want to spend time with you tonight”
“Sounds great. I’ll do that. Don’t worry. Bye”
He leaned in and kissed my lips. I hated that he did this. I can not take this anymore; I can not pretend this real. I can not lie to myself any longer. I am going to go mad. There is no changing what I feel. John is sweet and all, but he is only making things worse.
As I was walking around campus, ready to go to class, I see Ashley. Beautiful and happy as usual. She hasn’t changed one bit. She is still the same Ashley I met my freshman year of highschool. And he we are now in the same University and about to become seniors. Ashley and I are really close. She knows everything about me. Maybe a little too much.
“Ashley!” I call out in hopes that she see me through all the people, rapidly walking ready to get to class.
“Sarah!” she yelled while waving.
I gesture her to come toward to me. She makes her way through her all the people.
“Hey, what’s up. Is everything ok?”
“Yea everything is perfectly fine. What the hell! Do I have to have a problem to talk to you?” I said while rolling my eyes.
“Dam, what hell Sarah! Chill i’m only asking. But if it really bothers you that much i’ll just leave”
“No, no i’m sorry. I’m just not feeling too well. I can’t get over it. You know. Sorry.”
“Well that was a little rude. Don’t you think? And seriously Sarah, we’ve been over this many times. I understand it’s hard for you, but that’s no excuse to make irrational decisions and have random b**** fits with me.”
“I said i’m sorry. I really need your help right now though. I’m going mad.”
“Listen, Sarah you’ve said this many times before and you’re still here right ? Besides, it’s been many years since that happened. It’s time for you to move on. I don’t know what else to say. You need help and you need to get it as soon as possible. It’s not your fault Josh passed away. Stop blaming it on yourself”
“But it is my fault, I should have never forced him to come over. I was so selfish. I only thought about myself and what I wanted. I wanted to see him. It had been a little over a month since I saw him. He went to go visit his family in London. He was exhausted and I didn’t let him rest. I insisted he come over and spend time with me. I knew how tired he was and didn’t care. I purposely made him feel horrible so he would have no choice and come over. And that’s when it all happened. He crashed; he was killed instantly and his body was left unrecognizable. Don’t you understand, Ashley? It’s all my fault.”
“Sarah I -umm”
“It’s okay you don’t have to say anything. Thanks for being here for me. Hey, umm, I have to get to class, okay? I’ll talk to you later. Is that ok ?”
“Yea, of course. Wanna chill tonight ? I don’t watch Netflix or something.”
“I would love that but honestly I can’t because I have a lot of work I have to get done. Maybe next time?”
“Well, ok just hit me up”
Buzzzz. Buzzzz. Buzzzz.
“S***” I thought. I forgot John was coming over.  I get out my bed and slowly begin to walk towards the door.
“Hey baby” I tell him
“Hey, Sarah we need to talk. About us. You know me and you.  I love you and I only want the best for you. I want you to be happy. Even if that means I have to go. I know you don’t love me as much as I do. And I  also deserve to happiness. I just think it’s best, for the both of us, that we go our separate ways. I’m not leaving you. But I just think you need more time”
“ Josh I love you. Don’t do this.”
“ Did you just call me Josh! Sarah who the hell is that! You’re cheating on me! I’m such  a dumbass for thinking you actually cared. That’s it don’t ever talk to me. Leave me the f*** alone”
“Well that escalated quickly” I said aloud when he slammed the door. 
I could not believe what I had heard. I have never seen him act this way. I couldn’t do anything about it. I just let him walk out. I couldn’t say anything; he was right. I was cheating on him. I could not get over him. I was only using him to see if I could move on, but that obviously only made things worse. I didn’t know what to. I was going mad. Mad. Mad. Mad.
“I killed him! I killed him! I killed him! I killed him! I killed him! I killed him!” I was yelling like a lunatic.
Buzzzzzz. Buzzzzzz. Buzzzzzz.
“ Hey, sweetie time for your breakfast. How Are you feeling today ?” said nurse Susie
“ Why do you care? You don’t really care about me. You’re just here ‘cause you get paid to take care of crazy people like me”
“ You’re not crazy. Stop saying that you’ll be out soon”
“ So you don’t think it’s crazy that I killed my boyfriend. And my supposedly best friend Ashley? And then blame it on depression? Get the hell out of my face before I kill you to”
“ Now, Sarah that’s not nice. You’re just cranky because you haven’t eaten. And don’t be silly you didn’t kill her. She just left your sorry ass here. All alone, vulnerable, and depressed. So I suggest you get your attitude straight so you can get the hell out of here. I have the power to do so. But until you act human, your sorry ass will stay here for as long as it takes.”
“ Whatever” I said as I snatched the tray from her. I wasn’t hungry I just left the tray there.
How could I end up here? I never thought I wasn’t going to be able to control my feelings. I almost killed my best friend and ex boyfriend. I did kill my boyfriend Josh. And all because i’m a self centered b****. I’m getting this because I deserve it. There’s no other way to look at it. I’m not crazy but i’m here because they think I am. Dam! I need to get the hell out of here. But there is no point if I do. Everyone I love thinks i’m crazy. I will not tolerate the special treatment they think i’ll need. The best thing to do is to let go of the pain the easy way.
“ Oh my Sarah ! You’re out I love you. I can’t believe you’re out. How did you do it. I thought I would never see you again…”
“ Hey Ashley.. I... umm owe you an apology. I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was seriously messed up and I was making rational decisions. I guess I did need some time some to reflect and understand that it wasn’t my fault and I needed to move on with my life”
“ Hey listen your back that’s all that matters. I understand and I love you. Don’t sweat it I missed you and your sorry, you’re healthy and alive. So stop it and enjoy life. Besides what are best friends for”
“ Thanks. So how was graduation ? It sucks that I have to start all over. I’m back to my junior year of college. How fun. But enough about me. So?”
“ Oh it was ok, i guess. Nothing too special. I missed you.. It honestly would of been so much better if you were there with me. But things happen for a reason.. “
“ What do you mean.. Ashley is there something I need to know? I know you  Ashley tell me what’s wrong”
“ It’s just that.. I don’t know how to say this.. I’m really sorry Sarah..”
“ You’re dating John aren’t you”
“We’re engaged…”
“ I should of known how could I actually believe you forgave me. You just wanted to kiss ass because you know what you did was f***ed up”
“ Sarah it’s not even like that. You know how much I love you. We’ve been friends since high school. We’ve been through thick and thin. Hell and back. But I didn’t betray you… you never loved or liked him… he was just your dummy. You used him in hopes of getting over Josh. And he was really heart broken by this. I was there for him and he was there for me when you were taken away. It was hard for both of us. We were friends we just enjoyed each others company then… things got real. We couldn’t help it. We fell in love”
“ You’re right. Ok, well then I guess this is goodbye”
“ Sarah plea-”
“ Ashley please. Just leave me alone. Goodbye”
As I walked toward the door I wiped off the last tear I would ever get.