As a child, I was clueless. I didn't do well in school, and I was always made fun of at school, yet didn't realize it. I truly don't know what I was thinking back then, and to prove it, I even threw an orange at this one kid on a school trip because I just didn't like him. I would do the dumbest things, and sadly all my memories of Elementary School is either being reprimanded for failing to do my homework or just causing fights with my classmates. However, as I grew up, I began become less ignorant, and I realized my life was far from the fantasy that I was living in before. I would look at my friends' families, and I saw how happy they were, and I was confused to why my family was so different. My family was always fighting, but I never knew exactly why. I eventually found out from my dad that "my mom had a problem" as he put it, trying to downplay the severity of the problem. Whenever I got in the car with my mom, I would notice that she acted differently everyday. Some days, she was very kind and loving, but other days, she would forget her way home and tell my sister and I she hated us, while threatening to get a divorce with my dad. It was all so overwhelming as I was only a child. I can vividly remember instances in which I was forced to come with her after school ended and pick up my sister my her dance practice. She would constantly slur her speech, and sway from lane to lane, without being aware that she was swerving. I would often cry in the back seat, feeling as if my life could end at any moment. For years, I kept on swallowing my tears. I truly felt helpless, as if I had no escape.

Consequently, I developed an eating disorder. Today, I realized that by starving myself, I gained some control over my life. At the time, my mom had been drinking to the point she would forget our names, I was bullied at school for various reasons, and my family always fought. I officially had no control over my life. I was not the most likable person, and once people started to make comments about my weight too, I just wanted everything to end. Multiple times, I tried killing myself. In the end, I decided that I didn't want to succumb to the sadness and be just another face that shows up on the news, then everyone forgets later on.

I needed to prove to my parents that I existed, that I struggling, another way so I turned to starving myself. At first, it was just counting calories then I would try to lie to my parents about eating, then it got so worse to where I could feel my rib cage penetrating under the skin. I was forced to go to children's hospital,  but it turned out that it wasn't a good environment. I used that place as an immediate relief, but when I had to face the reality of having to go back home, I would refuse. My parents sent me after that to another center, in which I had no contact with my family, or anyone else. My parents had tricked me into getting the car, and I remember thinking about jumping out of the car, running as fast as I could and never coming back. Eventually I recovered, yet my mom still drinks to this day. She has severe brain damage, and to this day, I blame myself. I try to remain detached from all people, and whenever people stare, I believe that something must be wrong to me. I still feel like a freak sometimes even though I have worked so hard to improve my confidence. I might have all these confidence issues, but I feel almost thankful for going through this experience. I have become so much stronger, and I can proudly say that I will never drink alcohol in my life. I know now that Alcoholism can ruin relationships, families, your self-esteem, your outlook on life, how you treat others, and the list goes on, but it can never define you.