Snap bracelets, Silly Putty, and Pokémon: the nineties knew how to keep a child entertained. Sadly, only one of these trends has stuck with me -- the game with the adorably lethal pocket monsters. I'm not the only child who has used birthday wishes as a feeble attempt to make Pokémon exist. Luckily, after several years of careful analysis, I have discovered how to become a Pokémon trainer in a world without them.

The first step to bringing this video game to life is leaving home with nothing but a backpack. Disregard your mother's pleas and abandon her to walk across the countryside. The fact that she raised you as a single parent should have no correlation to how many times you come back to visit her throughout your journey. Stop by sparingly, and only when your pets are in poor health and in need of her services (all mothers of trainers have taken mandatory classes in animal nursing).

Before leaving your home town, find a senile mentor. Be aware that the greatest instructors have minds that are as cracked as the leather seats in their windowless vans. He'll ask you your name as well as your gender -- don't take it personally, he doesn't even know the name of his own grandson (your rival). Use the old man's impairment to gain power by kindly reminding him that your adversary's name is Gaylord (any insult will suffice). Strictly call him this throughout your journey -- it will lower his confidence and give you a competitive edge.

Now, it is time to make your team of champions. Walk into some tall grass and capture the strongest animals you can find (which will, sadly, consist of small birds and rodents in the beginning). Obviously, cramming them into pocket-sized balls isn't realistic -- a trolley full of cages will provide ample transportation. Remember, these captive creatures are your new best friends, no matter how much they whimper over their forced captivity or growl at your presence. Just to be safe, you may want to carry an electric cattle prod or borrow a snare from the local pest control.

More important than the bond between you and your enslaved savages is your strength as a trainer; prepare your pets for battle. It is harder to find real animals with "types", so you may have to make them yourself. This is when you need to get creative. For example, if you want a poisonous type, infect your pet with rabies (this can also energize their fighting drive). To make a fire type, equip them with a flamethrower. I wouldn't suggest making a water type unless the animal can summon a flood or use other means to drown your opponents. Once their skills are determined, teach them how to fight by stoking the fires of their rage and making them unleash it on weaker animals.

Emerging from the wilderness, leaving a trail of near-dead pygmies, you start to feel like a real trainer, which means it's time to profit from it. Money comes with power -- specifically, the power of dominating other trainers. Your conquest begins when strangers make eye contact, a clear sign that they're questioning your superiority. Crush their audacious lack of timidity toward your awesome power by releasing one of your pets and commanding it to bludgeon theirs into unconsciousness. Now that they're defenseless, take their money and move on to your next victory.

Eventually, no one will make the mistake of crossing you, making battles scarce. Law-abiding civilians make boring and weak opponents anyways; it's time to move onto criminals. You can find a gang virtually anywhere, and, being the great person you've proved yourself to be, you must defeat them. Follow them into dark alleyways and basements to release your virtuous violence of justice. Don't worry; they won’t use guns or knives -- that wouldn't be fair. Once you singe-handedly flatten their creatures, they'll renounce their evil ways.

You are now a hero, but why stop? Pokémon training is a never-ending power struggle. Go out and capture as many creatures as you can. According to the rules, only six beasts may be carted along with you, but the rest can be held prisoner elsewhere. Don’t set the useless ones free; they've probably forgotten what freedom is anyhow. Besides, there’s strength in numbers, and you may tire of watching the same mutilation sequences of your top six monsters. Remember, you can do whatever you please; you’re a champion now.