Folks, Florida is being overrun by illegal immigrants. These aliens cross borders without any qualms, and take without cessation without providing any benefit to the state. These immigrants seem to be centered in south Florida, especially Miami. Most come from South America and that whole region, but the rest of the world certainly has representation n the local populations. As a park warden here in the Glades, I am qualified to tell you about these foreign invaders that have infiltrated our homeland.
     These invaders are not of the human breed, which is a whole separate issue. These invaders are critters that shuffle and slither and swim and soar into our land, and they have monstrous effects. Nile Monitors are large aggressive lizards that devastate local bird and reptile populations by devouring eggs. Nutria are furry vermin that eat roots and burrow into the river bank, greatly weakening the area’s natural defense against hurricanes. Wild boars ravage the land wherever they travel. Burmese Pythons can grow to twenty feet long, and threaten to destroy the natural food chain by outcompeting local predators. Offshore, lionfish threaten to destroy reefs by devouring native fishes and crustaceans. Inshore, snakeheads devour native fishes while a flurry of nonnative cichlids outcompete the locals for food. A wild array of invasive birds including parrots roam the skies in multitudes that rival our native birds. These are just a few of the invasive species that have made homes in our state. Now, at this point, the problem can seem woefully daunting, and it should. This is a legitimate threat.
     These unwelcomed guests are laying waste to the local environment. Local movements have begun to make minimal impacts through hunts and derbies, but it is inefficient and impractical. We cannot eliminate them one by one and expect to control the populations. I, as a concerned citizen, firmly believe that we must at all costs keep these invaders from usurping the swamp. I have a proposal to make, however. At the cost of losing the environment looming, I believe we should take action to actively control these populations through a mass poisoning.
     This poisoning would bring a quick and swift death to every living creature in the state. This is the way that prevents the aliens from winning. We will use a very effective poison, and spread it throughout the land and water via airplane, in a manner similar to crop dusters. The human inhabitants of this great state will be issued gas masks to protect them during the infection period. The poison should linger in the air for about a week until it is absorbed into the ground.Of course, asthmatics will be advised to wait longer.
     Think of all the other benefits that would accompany this. There would be so much more room for the human population to expand. In Everglades National Park alone, there would be   
1, 508, 530 acres to build infrastructure, homes, condos, shopping plazas, car dealerships, etc.With our state becoming overcrowded, especially during snowbird season, this is not only aviable solution but an essential one.
     Also, with how bad traffic can get on our roadways, consider how much better the flowwill be without road-kill littering the road left and right. Traffic jams would be a thing of the past. Next, consider the environmental impact: families would save so much money not havingto provide for pets. The state of Florida estimates that it costs $13, 624 to raise a child for a year, on average. Using the fact that one human year equals seven dog years, we can conclude that it costs around $95, 367 to raise a dog in the same amount of time. If the dog survives for about a decade, a family can expect to save nearly a million dollars because of my proposal. Needless to
say, budgeting for conservation would no longer be necessary, allowing the states to give more money to welfare recipients, and fewer people would need to work at all.
     For all of you naysayers out there, I have expected your critiques and have counter-arguments. First, some people may complain that there would be much less oxygen if we kill all
of the trees; however, I find that most of these people fail to consider how much more oxygenthere will be without greedy creatures consuming most of it. Next, people would argue that we will have much less food to go around. True, but think of the stimulus for the global economy ofout-of-state food manufacturers battling to feed us. The third argument I have considered is thateco-tourism may drop, but I propose that it will actually rise. Take a moment to consider how
many people have never been to Florida for fear of being mauled by bears, sharks, or alligators.People would swarm the state, filling our wallets.
     Some of you may see me as a anti-nature masochist, but if you have actually listened to what I have said, you can see that it is painfully clear that this proposal is more than worthy of
receiving strong consideration. By the way, I actually love animals, and feel that we need to make this drastic step to save the environment. I am dedicated and passionate about this area, and am deeply saddened that I will have to move across the country next week