I don’t know where to start, so I’ll just say everything that comes to my head. It’s been one rough year, and I know I haven’t made it easy. I don’t usually post details of my life, and I thought about ignoring everything that might slow me down, or bother me right before I fall asleep, but I read a book recently called “The Perks of Being a Wallflower”, and figured that it might help a little if I for once ignore the judgements reality might use against me. The boy in the book was known as a wallflower, because he “sees things, he keeps quiet about them, and he understands”. He wrote to an anonymous person, because it helps him bear the complications in his life. The book displayed all his letters to this anonymous person, and you won’t really understand what he was really going through unless you pay attention to what he wrote. I’m not done reading this book yet, but I thought if it helped him by being honest in his writing, it might (just maybe) help me a little.
I feel like I’m stuck in reverse. I’m constantly tired, but I can never sleep, I still eat, but I’m hungry anymore.
Is it normal for me to think that I’m still fine? Because really, I am. I’m still having fun whenever my friends are around, and I’m doing great in school. I have a job to pay the piano lessons I enjoy, and I know I have the opportunity to go much further in life (If I really try). Which is great, I guess.
Playing the piano is something I do to avoid the things that I can’t talk about, things like this, it may sound crazy, but I got used to the idea of focusing on music when problems appear in my life. I don’t like dealing with them, because I don’t know how. But I learned something; I mean...I guess I did. I was right when I didn’t want to let you in, I was smart when I kept you away from what’s inside, but time and words changed you into someone that I began to depend on, and I allowed you to know me better than I knew myself.
My parents never put my feelings into considerations when they make decisions like not staying, or avoiding problems that can easily be solved if they just simply sit down and talk to each other, to me, spilling words that brought me down in every hurtful way. No one really taught me how to trust, because nothing like that was built around me when I grew up. I thought I knew how to give it away, but I guess I don’t.
I’m not the vulnerable type, (at least I hope I’m not), so I’m going to fix myself. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. This is something I have to do for me, in order to like myself again, someone else, and hopefully we’ll be able to be close again in no time. Thank you for everything you have taught me. It’s been a long, crazy ride.