Roaming around East Central High School, you will find numerous couples groping in the middle of the hallway. As you take in this wonderful sight, you may find yourself wishing it was you swapping spit with that special someone obnoxiously in a very public place. Tired of being alone? Do you find cats easier to love than humans? Haven't been in a relationship for TWO WHOLE WEEKS? Fear not; I'm Emily Reiter, and I'm here to show YOU how to get a boyfriend.


Step 1: Finding The Problem

If you've been alone too long, it's always best to assume that there's something seriously wrong with you. And let's face it honey, you're ugly. Why else would you be single? The only known cure to The Ugly is changing yourself completely, and today I'm going to show you how. Lucky you!


Step 2: Dealing With “The Ugly”

The first step to dealing with “The Ugly” is bleaching the absolute crap out of your hair. The blonder and more straw-like the better, ladies! Next let's deal with your face, because let's FACE it, (Get it?) your face is the source of the problem. Coat it with at least three layers of the tannest foundation you can find. Notice I said least; The tanner the better. Leave them wondering if you're using actual make up or Nutella! Now let's fix those eyes of yours. If you're wearing glasses, toss those suckers out! Who cares if you're blind, you'll look fabulous! Go out and buy black eyeliner and black eye shadow, and slap as much of that on as possible. Personally, I like to add glitter eyeshadow because it makes me look like a street walker, but that's up to you. Now that we've dealt with your hideous face, let's move on.


Step 3: Getting Yourself Out There

Now that you're not ugly, how are people going to know? I would suggest taking a few pictures of yourself and posting it onto Facebook. A few of my favorites are the 'duck face', or 'duces', or a personal favorite; the 'middle finger to the camera because you're a classy lady.' That'll show em', girls! Another option would be the 'picture in the bathroom mirror', how could I have forgotten? And don't bother to clean up the place beforehand, no one will notice! And be sure to be wearing as little clothing as possible in those pictures/ Remember you're a girl, so your mind doesn't matter. You're wanted for your body only, so be sure to prop those puppies up like eggs on a plate and show em' off! Now that everyone knows how hot you are, let's get you that boyfriend.


Step 4: Luring Him In

If you're looking for a boyfriend, you've probably got a specific boy in mind. Now the he's in your crosshairs, I'm going to show you how to pull the trigger. Three words: flirt, flirt, flirt! Laugh at ALL of his jokes, and dumb yourself down as much as possible; make him feel REALLY smart. Once you've got this boy on a date, continue acting like the stupid bimbo you look like and give it all away! Remember ladies, if he provides dinner, you're REQUIRED to provide the dessert! Abstinence? What's that? The boys may call you a slut, but at least they're calling! Now that you and this boy have bonded in the most intimate way possible, feel free to change that relationship status of yours, because you have a boyfriend! CONGRATULATIONS! Next up, read “Emily's Guide to Teen Moms”; 'cause the way you're headed, you're DEFINITELY going to be needing it!