This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last,
that never become more than friends,
that endure hours of whining and b****ing about what assholes guys are,
while disproiving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who
always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative
hugs, those guys who open doors and give reasurring pats on the back and sit
patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in
honor of the guys that obligingly reitierate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy
their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know
most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds,
with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys
who respect a girls every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from
parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany
girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know
a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always
play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited
as boyfriends material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys
who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are
manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cellphone, and when you called her back,
she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over
dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that
it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best
killing spree you'd ever orchestrated on GTA4 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and
the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was
immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct
a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after
numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party
where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessy with you, justifying each fir of
reckless teasing by announcing to everyone, "Oh, but we'er just friends!" And even though you were invited purely
as a warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. and perhaps even more disturbing, the nice guys
don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't.
From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at school and in the
workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are jsut illogical, manipulative b****es. Many
Of them claim they just want to date a nice guys, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational,
confusing things such as, "Oh, he's too nice to date," or, "He would be a good boyfriend, but he's not for me,"
Or, "He already puts up with so much of me, I couldn't possibly ask him out!" Or the most frustrating of all:
"No, it would ruin our friendship." Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and
they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologise for them men that are jerks. Sorry, guys,
girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they
say (I want a nice guys!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!) But one thing I can
do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn't last forever. There are difinetly many girls who
grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The
tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick
of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the
department store, your holding of open doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty
smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless,
nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You have credibility in this society,
and your well deserved vindication is coming.