I think everybody fears that they'll be the one who cares the most. I know that I'm scared of that because I feel like I care too much about everything. Or does everybody feel that way? I guess if I ever found another I really cared about, romantically, the rest wouldn't matter so much.

I feel like maybe sometimes, being a writer, I make everything more extravagant in my head. I don't know if extravagant is the right word, but [i]more[/i] definitely is. In my head, I make things more momentous, more complicated or emotional, until I'm starting to wonder if I'm making up the emotions I feel for people; if these things that I "feel", I'm not actually [i]feeling[/i], but fooling myself into believing I'm feeling. Maybe it's my way to feel like my life means more than it really does. Maybe making up emotions is my way of making life feel less empty.

I'm not looking for sympathy; I've made my decisions, and I don't regret them-- not really. I think sometimes I fool myself into thinking I regret them, because that would make a better story. And I forget where I was going with this, so now I guess these are a bunch of words wandering aimlessly on the page. But at least they're true words. At least they aren't some modified version of my life to make it more worth writing, or more worth reading about. This here, folks-- what you're reading right now-- contains no bullshit. Just truth.

I guess what I really want is to feel like they do in the books, and so I make my feelings into bigger things than they really are, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I turn my life into some huge, fantastic story and I'm sorry that I make things up in my head-- things I should have said, or done, conversations I should have had, instead of doing them in real life. It all seems to be a part of who I am. And if you don't like it, I'm sorry for that too-- but I don't know how to change, and I'm not sure if I want to.