Did you honestly belive you were okay? That you moved on, or were doing you? Honey, I think you and I have both come to terms that that is a lie. It has been three months of being single for me, and I thought I was doing pretty okay. I've begun to think about him less, I barely see him, keep myself busy with schoo, clubs, events, I even started working out. Twice a week.

Anything to stop the thoughts from flowing, from hearing that small voice in the back of your head you all know we have. The hateful one, filled with negativity telling you you'll never be good enough. Nothing you ever do is good enough. 

And then you see him. And he's with someone. A girl. She's pretty, probably with no reason to be insecure. And he is smiling. It isn't just the fact that he is smiling, but he's smiling that special smile he used to only share with you. And it still takes your breath away, but then the initial shock hits. That smile was not directed toward you, it was toward her. And I didn't think it was possible for my heart to break all over again, but it did. Because, I am not okay.

I am not fine. I am still just as heartbroken as I was when I played that voicemail on repeat for hours, listening to those first words play "That's it, it's over." 

And then the sound of my heart being ripped out of my chest.

I do not care, what people may say. They say to move on, but when they say it they mean it as find someone else. I don't want anyone else. I don't believe in rebounds, using someone as a distraction or as a boost to your self esteem. Moving on should be a mental progression. 

Putting yourself and your needs first, picking up the pieces on your own. Learning from the mistakes you made. Instead of setting yourself up for disappointment again. 

I am not angry. Only sad. Sad, because I am not ashamed to admit that I am still in love with someoe who hurt me, or to admit that I believed he was worth it. Yes, I am a teenager so go ahead and judge me, but I really believed he was. As much as I sacrificed for him, he should have been. It took him leaing me for me to understand that I was taken advantage of. That I was used. I was not the perfect girlfriend, but I put everything on the line for him. I got called something no girl ever wants to hear from their mother. I lost the one thing too him, that I can NEVER get back.

Then again, what do I know? He's probaby just as hurt as I am, probably thinks about me too. I would never know, neither will I ask. He's too prideful to ever admit it.

Which leads me to this question, when did his pride come before me?

What happened to the boy who cried, when after a argument with his mother, she threatened to make him transfer schools so he would not be able to see me. Someone who rarely shows emotion, or even speaks about his feelings, cried. In front of me. Cause the thought of not being able to see me, made him afraid.

What happened to that?

And all these analysis and observations has led me to one obvious conclusion.

I still have plenty tears left to shed.