Why does love exist? It's very presence on the planet causes problems for so many. I never understood how anything could conquer love. I believed that I held the keys to happiness when I was in love, as I still am. But then when love is not returned it causes nothing but a still, quiet darkness that one must live in day to day. This quote opened my eyes to the fake abstract world I had constructed to long preserve my relationship. This comes from the Ellen Hopkins book Tricks, "One thing I've learned in one or two years on this planet is to put myself first. Love is a fine thing while it lasts, but rarely is it permanent." Permanent, as I read that word over and over I tried to pull off the childlike cover that glazed my views on love. I thought the spark, that euphoric feeling you get would last forever until the seed of reality was planted into my consciousness about realistic love. That's when I realized there is a huge distinguishable difference between realistic love and ideal love. Ideal love is what we see on tv and read in fairy tales. But realistic love is our certainty. Why would a world of only ideal love be so cruel? I do sometimes dream of a world free from heartache and anguish, where it’s true love the first time for everyone.

I myself have just been told that the girl I love, does in fact not feel the same anymore. After nine months she tells me I have changed. We used to talk of marriage after high school, an idea I wasn't fully on board with at first but now would accept that idea. For the first time I am faced with the reality of living my life without her. It burns me on the inside knowing that her feelings have been skewed by her own accord. I trust that there is not another but sometimes I wonder. And that is one of my issues. I have made many mistakes; recently my mistakes have consisted of asking questions I ultimately don't want to know the answer to. The torture of the constant pendulum of heartache swinging above my head every night has kept me awake since I asked that stupid question. I knew the answer but didn't want it to be true. I hoped she would say yes, so I could put my anxious mind to rest but instead of a yes I received what I had ultimately feared. The pain I’ve felt has gone on as long as I come to understand this new principle of realistic love. I now find myself running a labyrinth trying to decide whether this relationship is worth preserving. Will this love I have ever wear off? This may not be my first love, but it's the damn strongest I’ve ever felt for another.

Is this love permanent? Or is it a way for me to cope with unresolved issues from my past? The love I have for her is rock solid despite her weakening emotions. Another issue is that I don't want to mistake lust for love. Her touch is electric but the thought of her eyes brings light to my day. Her smile gives me an intoxicating feeling that cannot be swayed. Her very presence fills me with ecstasy yet bliss. But even with the current elation, I am now faced with an inevitable future without her and I'm terrified. Will I be the happy kid I am now or will sadness swell and take over me? I'd rather not become this picture of the future me I see. Unfortunately, I'm already becoming this figure I have conjured in my mind. The feeling of heartbreak is a nasty one. As much as you want it to go away it remains, lurking, lazily, wherever you go. The very idea of it is like the taste of vomit in my mouth. It's awful. You could try swallowing your sadness, or maybe you’re one to drown it in different ways. Those vices are only temporary. The remnants that is left will be worse than before. Some people enjoy it, they attract it to themselves. They love wallowing in sadness because they are addicted to the empathy they receive from others. I can only imagine what psychopaths feel. No emotion. Maybe that would be a good thing sometimes. Too bad you can't turn your emotions off like a light.

This brings me to conclude, I still am undecided in what course of action to take. Are all relationships worth fighting for? Does true love really exist in our secular world or does ideal love just reside within our imaginations? Is love fair? To me, love is like two people pulling on a rubber band. When one lets go, the other gets hurt. No amount of alcohol or drugs can suppress the pain forever. Sometimes you just have to face reality and if you have glazed your significant other with a picture of ideal love, heed my warning. In an instant they can change their mind, could wise up and see who you are and leave you in an instant. Before you realize it they are gone and all you are left with are memories. Memories welded into your brain for eternity. Don't let your relationship end like mine, preserve and nurture the feelings you have for each other, don't sugar coat it. I should have tried harder. Learn from my mistakes. Guys: buy her flowers. Girls: give him a backrub. The torment of loneliness is something nobody should bare. Don't take these words for granted and thanks for reading.