A new disease has begun to stretch across American soil. What began as small out bursts throughout the U.S. has morphed into an epidemic, which has everyone worried. What authorities are calling the Sea Side Syndrome, began with the first episode of the newest season of MTV’s hit series Jersey Shore. As soon as the episode aired, teenagers up and down the east coast broke out with the severe symptoms.

What parents first noted in their teens was the sudden change of accent and vocabulary. In North Carolina a mother named Tammy Bennett raised concern after noticing the symptoms within her son, Robert Bennett.

“He started using all these acronyms like: DTF, WTF, GTL, and so on. I was so confused, so I asked him to explain his new words. Robby just stared at me like he himself didn’t know what they meant. I suppose all he knew is that they were now needed in his word choice,” Tammy explained tears welling in her eyes. “He used to be such a good boy. Now he talks in a nasally New Jersey accent and continues to blurt out ‘THE CABS ARE HERE!’” Older generations struggle to keep up with their children’s and grand children’s evolving linguistics. Baby Boomers find it difficult to maintain a normal conversation with “letters flying out everywhere.”

One grandmother spoke about her recent attempt to order coffee at a restaurant run by those infected with Sea Side Syndrome. “I walked up to that boy with the silly hairdo and asked him for a cup of coffee with DTF. I assumed he would know what I wanted because I utilized his lingo. He gave me a funny look and said ‘What a grenade!’ To do this day I am still not sure what I ordered.”
The second symptom, the sudden need to tan, follows the switch of accent and vocabulary. The teens urgently search for the perfect tanning salon in town and dye their skin a pasty orange color. As the Sea Side Syndrome spread it seemed as if a new race had been instantly manifested. The adolescence from the East Coast to California shores swathed their skin in rusty orange. Angela Nathan, which spoken to briefly, attempted to explain her strange desire to “tan.”

“Well, WTF, I mean like I don’t want to be white! I need to get dark so I can find me a real juicehead that’s DTF! [Juicehead- another form of the American Guido who possesses and extremely muscular body],” Angela said. Teens have not taken to account the addictiveness of the “tanning” which has made the disease all the worse.

As the Sea Side Syndrome continues to invade the teenagers of the U.S., the third symptom has become evident. The young adults of America have begun to rat, gel, and hair spray, extend, fade, and rat again with more gel and more hairspray their hair. Fake eyelashes, hair extensions, and Snooki’s latest novel are flying off the shelves at record speeds. As their looks evolve into more Guido appearance, teens wish for their name to match their looks. Motor Vehicle Departments and Social Security offices have been inundated with requests for legal name changes such as Gilbert Samuels to Gilly “The Solution” Castellano. The Sea Side Syndrome rots the brain causing these strange symptoms.
The more the young adults of the nation become infected with this party nonstop disease, the more the nation’s leaders worry about the future of America and the world.