Our modern world has a peculiar dilemma: there is plenty of food, and plenty of money in the world—yet, according to the United Nations, about 25% of the world population is either starving, poor, or both. Why? We are insanely selfish. Honestly though, why would we developed countries ever want to help those meager and pathetic countries? I suppose we can at least offer them the usual cure for their disability: breed and eat babies—it certainly helped the Irish! But then they will whine and complain because those little bizarre monsters are “their own flesh and blood” and they “love them”. But it’s life or death here, people! Luckily for these nit-picky countries, The United States, being the richer, superior and more ingenious nation, has devised another plan for those opposed to baby eating: The First Annual Pauperized Hunger Games!

Now, we may have had some help from Suzanne Collins in the early beginnings of this plan, but we have modified the idea. We won’t make everyone participate because, obviously, not all of us need help like those regions’ with the handicaps of starvation and poverty do! In this new and improved version of the games we will still pick a male and female from each impoverished region at random. But, to ensure that everyone gets a fair chance at making a life for him or herself, we will place the ages between 25-40. That way, children will have 25 years to learn their lesson and get their life together before their name is placed in the pot. Then we can eradicate the problem before it has a chance to tarnish the region’s next generation. We will deal with the current generation in the games because they had their chance and clearly epically failed on all fronts. If a person somehow exceeds 40 years of age, we figure they most likely wont last much longer, and will allow them to slowly decompose without interruption. Also, while eating babies is perfectly acceptable, killing children just doesn’t sit right with people, which is another reason we had to raise the age limit. We will still have 24 contestants, and we will determine the gerrymandering of the 12 regions once the gullible paupers finally begin to understand the plan that will save their lives.

The rules will also follow in the lines of Collins’ spark of an idea; all 24 contestants will fight to the death. Whoever wins will be rewarded with a small amount of riches and food, and they can determine how to split it up within their region. The gifts will not last more than a year because they still need to work to pull themselves out of this hole. The games will be broadcast all over the world, especially in the bottom-of-the-barrel countries. We will display them all like raw meat to salivating dogs! We will not, however, devise elaborate arenas and have people who sit around and orchestrate the entire games. We will build one arena, to be used for all the games and we will make it the size of roughly two football fields, but rounded, along the lines of the Roman Colosseum used for gladiatorial battles. But the inside will be like the ridiculous mazes seen in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire and the Queen of Heart’s Maze in Alice of Wonderland. Whenever the contestants run into each other, they will be forced to fight, and therefore the games will not last forever. Then we can all get back to making money and eating. This may seem generous compared to eating babies, but it is honestly up to those imbecile paupers with what they want to do.

So, while neither option affects us sophisticated beings, at least we can feel good about giving back to those who are less fortunate. We can help to end poverty and hunger throughout the world by teaching a lesson to those lesser than us. If they manage to free their region of poverty, then we will continue the process of gerrymandering till all poverty and hunger has been rid from the world. We are not always charitable, but at least take these words of wisdom from our short-lived moment of caring for you people. Now let the 1st Annual Pauperized Hunger Games begin and may the odds be ever in your favor!