WESTCHESTER, NY—Ashleigh Panton spent most of a Friday night party taking pictures of herself and her friends to later post on Facebook. By 2:15 Saturday morning, Panton had uploaded 324 pictures from the previous night’s party to share with some 7198 Facebook friends, not including her eight mobile uploads.
“I just want all my friends to see what a good time I had at this party,” said Panton. “I mean, what’s the point in going if no one even remembers you were there?”
When asked to select her favorite picture of the previous evening, Panton scrolled through 40 consecutive duck-faces before coming to one she liked.
“That’s it!” Panton shouted victoriously. “Look at that picture and tell me we don’t look like we’re having a good time.”
Studies show that Panton spent a drastically large portion of her Friday afternoon getting ready for the party, interviewing many friends over what exact combination of rings she should wear to match her layered necklaces.
“Does this look like I’m trying too hard?” Panton asked enthralled companion Veronica Lager. “It’s got to be perfect, but, like, casual, effortless, perfect. After all, I’m not even taking these on a real camera.” The two locked themselves in the bathroom while dressing, Lager’s mother reported.
“The bathroom mirror catches my best angle,” was Lager’s only response.
The purpose behind this obsessive uploading was not entirely selfish, Panton reaffirmed. “Of course I’m not doing this just for me! It’s also for all my stalkers—guys who think I’m hot, girls who are jealous, you know—to see what I do with my life. And these pictures show that I am a fun, partying person.”
When asked if she would upload these same pictures to Instagram, Panton scoffed, declaring Instagram to be reserved solely for meals, outfits, and intentionally blurry scenery.
Snapchat didn’t even register on the same scale. Seventeen polls found that more teenagers prefer Facebook to Snapchat for picture sharing. “Snapchat is kinda fun, sometimes,” teen Brandon Meyers confided, “but it gets old pretty fast. And you can only share with someone for a few seconds, and then you can’t revisit that picture. It’s pretty tough to keep making fun of someone with no visible evidence.”
Of her pictures, Panton later admitted that the red solo cups had been strategically placed to lurk casually in the corners. “We weren’t actually drinking, of course. We just needed to look like we were so that everyone who sees the pictures later will think we’re cool.”
“Besides,” she added, “I needed a new cover photo.”
Panton’s only worry about uploading pictures was the potentially deleterious effect they might have on her college acceptances. “Well, I was a bit nervous, but then I saw on Facebook that colleges actually want you to have these pics. This is how they know you are a well-rounded individual and good at time management, capable of balancing schoolwork and a busy social life.”
Widespread buffering on Facebook was reported Friday night, causing delays across North America and Europe; it’s now been attributed to the influx of pictures from all who attended this same party.
Police arrived at the party at 10:26, though Panton claims to not have noticed their initial presence, as she was preoccupied recording her friend, Veronica, vomiting across the couch. She remained unaware of the new guests until she was detained and sent back to the station. Cops reported having a surprisingly easy time handcuffing Panton, as she would not remove her hands from her phone.
“Well, the dim lighting in the back of a cop car isn't exactly great for selfies, but that’s why we have flash. Besides, the change of scenery was nice,” Panton commented of the unplanned interruption. “And all those comments on my pictures, especially from my mom, all like, ‘ASHLEIGH WHY ARE YOU IN A COP CAR!’ were pretty funny when they popped up in my notifications.”
During an interview the next morning, Panton couldn’t recall any details of the party, and not just because of the alcohol she didn’t imbibe. “Well, I was so busy taking pictures—I had to get one with everyone who was there, right?—that the party broke up before I was finished.”
Panton was quick to reassure this reporter that the night hadn’t been entirely wasted.
“I made my mug shot my profile picture, and it’s already gotten 536 likes!”